tv The Daily Show Comedy Central December 10, 2015 1:30am-2:05am PST
we'll get you, rad manning. hey, talc, go steal us some tattoo needles, you useless idiot. (dazzle voice-over) and so, with only minimal shoulder damage, moonbeam city's finest heroes lived to fight another day. emboldened to face the challenges that lie beyond each new dawn. also, i might have gotten that mob lady pregnant. not sure. i've been avoiding her calls. so, we'll see. [techno music] [guns firing] ♪ ♪ chirp. [pop] hey. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: thank you. welcome to "the daily show." i am trevor noah. my guest tonight is actress and
oscar winner marion cotillard everybody! ( cheers and applause ) but before we begin tonight, a little update on donald trump. now, last night on the show, we made two observations about mr. trump. our main point that he is a racist maniac danger to this country, and its freedoms. and also a shorter segment about the many times trump has said things suggesting that he wants to bang his own daughter. now, get guesswhich one apparently got donald trump's attention. ( laughter ) to the point where he brought it up completely unprompted on this morning's "kelly and michael." >> you know, i said on a certain show that my daughter is a beautiful young woman. so i said-- and i said it joking. everybody laughed. everybody laughed. i said, "my daughter is so beautiful that if i weren't married, et cetera, et cetera i'd be dating her." okay, cute. it was cute. everybody laughed.
they cracked up. the next day "trumps want to date his daughter." the whole place was cracking up. ( laughter ) >> trevor: look at what's going on here. donald trump is saying "i can't believe nobody got my hilarious joke about banging my daughter. i don't understand. i don't understand." and i love how michael and kelly are like, "it's 9:00 a.m. we cannot have a no-ipset of policy before noon." trump's point here is you know this is a joke because of how much audiences laugh at it. well, let's hear that audience one more time. >> if i weren't married, et cetera, et cetera, i'd be dating her. okay. cute. ( laughter ) >> trevor: that's not a laughter sound. no "no no, it is. thousands of people were laughing, up on the rooftops in jersey. i saw it." ( cheers and applause )
and and by the way "if i weren't married et cetera, et cetera." you can't just yada-yada banging your daughter. that "et cetera" is that you you her father. that's a pretty big detail to skip over. the only people who hide that detail are you and darth vader. ( laughter ) and vader just wanted to take over the galaxy with luke, not bang him. laugh the only point is this-- as we move on to more important stories, don't forget-- donald trump wants to bang his daughter. ( cheers and applause ) so, this is the second week of the global climate summit in paris, where nearly 200 world leaders have come together to figure out how to reduce carbon emissions and almost every day we are reminded of how serious the problem is. >> beijing has issued its highest-ever smog warning. the red alert is the most
serious of the government's four-tier scale. it means three days of severe smog are expected,. forcing schools to close. >> trevor: yay! smog day! let's make smog angels! yay!" ( coughing ) now, obviously addressing climate change is important for all of us, but it's even more important for island countries like the dal myself. >> leaders in the maldives have been a lot more vocal. they warned their low-lying island in the indian ocean could disappear. former president narendra modi once held a cabinet meeting underwater to illustrate the point. >> trevor: yes soon we'll all be living under under the sea under the sea down where it's wetter. why is everyone smiling? this is serious. why is everyone laughing? if the world is going to help
these people, then countries need to step up, especially the culprits who are responsible for putting all the carbon out there. >> nasa released this animation showing a year's worth of global carbon emissions compressed into a few minutes and you can see the three main culprits right there it's u.s. europe, and the new top emitter china. >> trevor: oh, wow. the world, it remind me of, like, a lava lamp because in a few decades it will be gone. now, the u.s.-- ( laughter ) the u.s. europe, and china have all pledged to cut their carbon emissions, but here's the problem-- if we want to keep the earth from getting more than two degrees celsius hotter, the world can only emit a certain amount of carbon, and if we take the amount of carbon the u.s., the e.u. and china have pledged to emit by 2030, that only leaves that much carbon for the rest of the world. there's nothing left. it's like shopping at the scarf
store after johnny death depp has been there. you work in l.a., johnny depp. why are you so cold all the time. for more we turn to senior climatology correspondent ronny chieng, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) so ronny this climate change thing is a mess. >> well, i don't know why everyone is so worried. i mean, climate change is actually make a lot of good things happen. >> one study suggests that the southwest and the great plains will face a so-called megadrought by 2050. cornell scientists say the odds of the megadrought in these regions are 80% if climate change continues at the same pace. >> trevor: i'm sorry that said a may go drought. i thought you said good things were going to happen. >> yeah, good things. the great plains are home to most of america's cattle ranching. that means all those cows are going to turn into delicious
beef jerky. why eat a steak when you can eat a piece of meat that looks like grandma's elbow. >> trevor: oh, yummy. ronny, look, man while i appreciate your optimism climate change is doing real damage to our oceans and food supply. >> most years the dungeness crab harvest in california is bountiful, worth close to $60 million. but this year, there may not be any harvest. high levels of toxic algae in the ocean make the crab too dangerous to eat. the widespread algae bloom is because of unusually high temperatures in the pacific. >> oh, no! no more crabs? you mean we can't eat the food with the worst worker-to-reward ratio ever. i'm going to take out my tool belt and just hammer into this thing, perform some hard labor on this. let me break off a expleg just suck on it.
♪ ♪ ♪ mmm! mmmm! that's one crab down. another 14 of these and i'd be half full. ( laughter ) haven't we tortured crabs long enough? think about it. we say we're making crab cakes and the crabs put on their cab birthday hats, and, yay, crab cakes. you're make a crab cake just for me. wait! why are you holding those giant hammers? ow! ow! ow. >> trevor: that was amazing, ronny. you should turn that little crab thing into a one-man show. >> yeah, i'm thinking about it. i even got a poster printed. ( laughter ) ( applause ) hey, we can't all be host of "the daily show," right? listen, the good news is not only are we getting rid of our crabs. we're also making ( bleep ) happen in the ocean. >> oceans are getting hotter and researchers believe a warm patch in the pacific known as the blob
may be partly to blame. >> there's a particular spot in the northern atlantic that is normally cold. >> you may remember the blob, the area in the pacific where temperatures were running well above normal. now we have the atlantic blob and it's quite the opposite. >> this is perfect. we have a warm blob, we have a cold blob. all we have to do is get them together, put on some marvin gay, you know what i'm saying? just turn the lights down low let the blobs get their freak on and then watch as the ocean temperature slips into something just a little bit more comfortable. and, hey, maybe there'ss a decent looking asian guy in the corner just standing there way certain blob fetish. you know what i'm saying-- not touch, just watching. unless they want him to join in of course. in which case, i do. i just dive right in there take a ( bleep ). put a condom on. you never know who has been in the ocean who hasn't been in the ocean. everyone has been in the ocean you don't know what's going on. >> trevor: what the hell is wrong with you? ( laughter )
( applause ) >> look, tref on the world is ending. you gotta get it while you can. >> trevor: all right, thank you, ronny chieng, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) other wireless carriers make families share data. some way to say happy holidays. switch to t-mobile now and get up to 4 lines with up to 6gb each. just $30 bucks a line, that's 6gb each plus unlimited video streaming with binge on™. stream netlfix, hbo now , hulu and more without using your data. and now unwrap the samsung galaxy s6 for $0 upfront and just $10 bucks a month. this year tear into the holidays with t-mobile.
( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." yesterday we heard about the problems the republican candidates have a certain religious minority. but did you know there's actually one minority republicans like? >> more than a dozen white house hopefuls descend on washington, d.c. yesterday for a. candidates seemed to stick to their scripts but the event did produce a number of awkward moments. >> trevor: ooooh! did ted cruz get a boner on stage again. so awkward. so what happened at the republican jewish coalition forum? for that we turn to our newest contributor, senior jewish
correspondent adam lewitz, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you trevor. first off, it's nice to be breaking new ground. finally, after all these years a jew on "the daily show." ( applause ). >> trevor: did you not see-- >> i've never seen the show. ( laughter ) let my explain why this meeting is significant. traditionally, nominee jews actually vote for republicans but a hand full do, and inside those hands are giant wads of cash. ( laughter ). >> trevor: is that, like, a jewish money joke. like i'm not really comfortable-- >> it's okay, trevor. i can say that because it's true. ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, adam, what were these awkward moments that the media was talking about because i hear a lot of it was-- um-- i am not sure i'm
pronouncing this right mishigosh. >> yes, that is the coond of pandering other the non-jewish candidates brought to the event. >> i've been to israel many times with my jewish friends. >> i have had the opportunity over and over again to go to israel. >> i may have the first all-jewish cabinet in america. >> happy hanukkah, ladies and gentlemen. >> trevor: adam if all the candidates are pandering, then how do they separate themselves from the pack? >> it's by showing their deep connections with the jewish people, their deep deep connections. >> last night, i was watching "schindler's list." everybody here has seen "schindler's list." >> yeah, seen it? we lived it! last night you watched "schindler's list." you were cramming for this event? ( laughter ) ( applause ) by the way he hasn't finished the movie yet, so no spoilers. , of course, not everyone trotted out their netflix cue as
a character reference. some candidacy had more personal stories. >> my mother told me one time, she said, "johnny--" when i was a very young man-- she said, "johnny, fundamental to look for a really good friend, look for somebody who is jewish. your jewish friend will stick by your side." >> that might have been a delightfully awkward day for little johnny kasich in first grade look for a jewish friend. "okay, let's see here, we both enjoy he man. we like eating candy. now i'll just need to see your foreskin." ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> trevor: i mean, i guess i see what you mine by pandering but what about the issues here? did we learn anything about the candidates' positions on let's say, the middle east. >> sure, we learned ben carson had trouble qish distinguishing between fatah and hamas. >> trevor: that is tricky. >> between fatah hamas and
humus. >> the challenge is the split between foughtas and humus. they operate in a constant state of conflict. fatah rules the west bank, humus rules the gaza strip. >> and, of course, the sinai peninsula is covered in babaganush. but, trevor, there was one guy at this event who had a more sophisticated take on the middle east situation. >> obama is the worst thing that ever happened to israel, the worst, the worst. >> the worst yes i cannot think of a single worse thing that has ever happened to israel. it's just been 65 years of tranquility over there. ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, i guess we're back to trump. >> yeah, he is a blessing. >> trevor: so you talked about how the other candidates pandered to their jewish audience and i'm only imagining trump did the same. >> well, as my rabbi said about the book of exodus, it's a matter of interpretation.
>> obama a-yi-yi. i'm a negotiator like you folks. you're negotiators. i would say 99.-- is there anybody that doesn't renegotiate deals in this room. i want to renegotiate-- this room, perhaps more than any room i've ever spoken. >> yeah, but have you seen "schindler's list!" >> trevor: wow! i bet the crowd was really offended at that. >> no, no, no. trump is a member of the tribe. we're allowed to crack jokes like that among star people. >> trevor: wait, trump isn't jewish, though? >> of course, he is. there's plenty of evidence. look how he puts his name on everything. people think that he has a big ego. wrong. that is a habit jewish families have from sending their kid to summer camps. his mother wrote it on all the buildings for him. "donald, you're going to lose your building if you don't put your name to!" >> trevor: that's ridiculous. that doesn't prove trump is jewish. >> trevor, let me put it this
way. the man's cam was only supposed to last one month and by some miracle, it lasted for eight. >> trevor: we'll be right back. ♪ and they're off! well, that took a turn. what's the speed limit in here? dad! should we tell them there are more? they'll figure it out eventually. ("imperial march" playing) some networks promise "unlimited" data then they slow your downloads after just a gig or two. there!
if unsightly tartar buildup is giving your dog bad breath... try doggie dentures. now available in extra white! umm, you're kidding right? just give me dentastix. the dog treat that's clinically proven to reduce tartar buildup. (wooshing through snow) (carbonation fizz) unleash a refreshing citrus kick. do the dew.
emerge restored. fortified. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. ♪ ♪ ♪ hello world...♪ ♪ ...hear the song that... ♪ ♪ we're singing. ♪ ♪ come on get happy♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> that was great. >> trevor: that was my-- that's a powerful-- that's a powerful clip. bonjour, bonjour. >> trevor: eh... i would carry on, but a lot of the audience would be lost. ( laughter ) thank you so much for joining us on the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: thank you so much. this is a momentous occasion. you don't meet many oscar-winning actors. this is a beautiful moment for me. everyone in the building was so enthralled. everyone was like, "is that marion cotillard coming? marion cotillard." do you get people doing that around you? >> no. should i? ( laughter ). >> trevor: i feel like you should. you're so grateful and you're french. you have like, that french
power about you. >> well, maybe people who know me don't cothis anymore because they know that it's all-- i mean, it's not true. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you shut it down. like, "this is so no, not true." but it really is. you're an amazing actress we have seen for so many years. i mean, i first saw you i was it was "midnight in paris" and i spotted you in other firms. i was fascinated. did you speak english before you got into english-- american film, or did you learn it? >> well, i started to speak very bad english when i started to do movies here, which was-- i think my first american movie was tim burton's movie "big fish." and i had a very hard time understanding people on set, and also we shot in montgomery alabama, and the accent was so--
( laughter ) it was so strong. >> trevor: i'm picturing a conversation now between you and them. >> well, the conversation was basically, "what did you say? what did you say?" and after three times i felt so bad asking, i was like, "yeah! ." >> trevor: you're playing lady macbeth in this. for those that don't know the story, lady macbeth is really-- she really is a maniac who inspires her husband to be more of a maniac. >> a maniac, i don't know. she's very manipulative, and she will do anything to reach her goal for sure. >> trevor: like a maniac. you see you-- now every-- or many famous actors, i feel, have been drawn to shakespearean roles. was it the same for you or more the film itself and the director? what is the thing that got you into "macbeth"? >> well, shakespeare for an actor is really, like it's an
amazing place to dive in because his writing is so rich. you can give many interpretations of only one sentence. so, yeah it's very rich for an actor. so i loved shakespeare before i was approached. >> trevor: it's a beautiful story, though. i mean-- and this film is a very-- i guess it's an action-packed story. it's gory. it's not what i expected "macbeth" to be. "macbeth" is not the most peaceful story. but this was-- it's really action packd and the scenes of violence. it's very "game of thrones" sometimes where you're watching. i could get into this. i wish more shakespeare movies were like this-- shakespeare makes movies by the way. and you were acting opposite michael fassbender, who is amazing. >> he's amazing, yeah. yeah, yeah, you can go on. ( cheers and applause )
yeah, he must be one of the most creative actors i worked with. the thing is he's super creative, but at the same time i mean, he's not only creative for his character and his creativity through his character helps the movie to be, you know, very singular and unique. >> trevor: he's a powerful actor. you're a powerful actress. it's a beautiful film. i recommend people watch it. it's a lot easier than the book. ( laughter ) "macbeth" is currently playing in select cities and will be released nationwide on friday. marion cotillard everybody. ( cheers and applause )
[girl laughing] are you finished yet? no, it's getting better! [girl laughing] do you do this every time you clean? are you done or...? no! no. and it's bridgewater... he's looking deep, splits to the right... and puts a dime right on the receivers back shoulder... whoa...and he connects... you can feel the excitement here... nobody saw that coming... let's see em try and explain that one on the sideline.
other wireless carriers make families share data switch to t-mobile now and get 4 lines with up 6gb each. just $30 bucks a line and no sharing. plus get the samsung galaxy s6 for $0 upfront and $10 bucks a month at t-mobile. ♪ bud light has your commemorative super bowl series cans. build your dynasty today! ~holiday music~ high pitched excited squeal yes! yes!
kids never get this excited about clean teeth. but dogs do. give the gift that makes dogs giddy. and fights plaque and tartar. greenies dental chews. plause ). >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. now, here it is, your moment of zen. >> talk about getting caught with your pants down. croatia's human rights leader receiving an award while wh his trousers fell off. the president stayed calm-- poor guy-- and captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org . >> larry: tonightly, marko rubio calls for evidence that americans discriminate against muslim, president obama heard that and was like wait, do secret muslims count? just saying