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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  December 16, 2015 9:23am-9:57am PST

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caption made possible by comedy central. captioned by realtime captioning van nuys, california. >> larry: tonightly, scientists have reconstructed the face of jesus christ using computer imaging. donald trump immediately tried to send him back to syria.
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a shooting instructor in california is training churchgoers to carry concealed weapons, which explains why the priest keeps saying, "in the name of the father, the son-- he's got a gun." and bill cosby saying his accuserss sexual assault allegations defamed him. no, it was the stories about the raping of the women that did it. this is "nightly show," ( bleep ). let's do it. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: yes! thank you very much. twok "nightly show." look at this audience. >> larry!
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larry! larry! >> larry: thank you so much. so kind of you. such a great crowd. i'm so excited. i shaved my head clean tonight. ( laughter ) just-- a little tiny hairs. ( laughter ) turned around. it's all good. it's all good. taye diggs joins us on the panel tonight, taye diggs. ( cheers and applause ) you know, some nights we just have several stories that really tell us who we are as a people. so tonight, we're putting a few of those together in a segment we're calling murka. murica! now, we begin in that moment murikan setting, the purple
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mountain majesty of home depot. now, this particular home depot two men were trying to get away with a car load of stolen goods, and a lady decided to be a good american. >> tatiana duva rodriguez heard commotion, someone yelling for the man to stop. she pulled out a handgun and opened fire, flattening one of the tires of the getaway vehicle. >> larry: you're probably saying why didn't she write down the license or call 911? because this is 'murica! guys, see something, shoot something. that's how it works. ( laughter ) but i have to admit, though, part of me admires someone who, you know, has taken it upon herself to stop crime. but the part of me that houses my brain thinks that this woman is crazy. all right, what does she have to say about it?
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the woman, descriekd as a sharpshooter, was sentencing to 18 mongst' probation for reckless discharge of a firearm. >> i tried to help and i learned my lesson they will never help anybody again. ( laughter ). >> larry: no, that's not the lesson. you're a sharpshooter. you're just not very sharp. what is it with this attitude? "well, i'll never help anybody again." that's not helping anybody. "i'm just going to take my bull expets go home." it's like bad cops that say you don't want me to shoot unarmed black people? fine, i won't do my job then. just because you get criticized that doesn't mean you stop doing your job. except for you, m. night shyamalan-- or-- please stop making movies, all right? did i get his name right? i always get it wrong. shyamalan. why is there a "y" in there?
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that's what i want to know. is that, like, a twist? there was a "y" in his name? ( applause ) make a good movie and i'll commit to learning your name! all right, but anyhow, since this is 'murica, let's double done on our related stories. >> church members are signing up for firearm classes. john blackstone met the faithful at a gun range in placerville in the state's gold country. >> god-fearing, gun toting. >> safe and saved. >> larry: a pistol, apostle. tomato to-mah-to. packing heat, and packing homilies. what could go wrong? >> pastor tom smith was wounded earlier this month taking shooting lessons near his church in modesta. >> larry: uh-oh! hey, man, how did you shoot yourself? what were you doing? were you at a home depot?
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hmmm? so this is how far the gun culture has gone? it's got to be in church now? you know it's a good day if jesus didn't have to use his a.k. ( laughter ) thank you very much. matthew 27. ( laughter ) oh, wait, no, no, my bad. ice coup 92. sorry. i'm getting my scripture mixed up. plus, i want ton what do churches need guns for? i've seen preachers knock people over with just the power of the holy ghost. there's your hoim depot security guard! he probably shouldn't tell them to take it. mixed messages. so why do all these churchgoers think they need to pack heat all of a sudden? >> many of these trainees say
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they become more focused with each new mass shooting, and they know churches have been targeted, most recently this past june when nine people during a bible study were killed in south carolina. >> larry: it didn't happen because they were churchgoers. it happened because they were black. may i suggest some "don't accidentally become black" training? possible. what else you got? 'murica! thank you very much. thank you verthank you. for the last stop on our road trip we turn to the familiar driveway of america's dad. william h. cosby jr. by the way, if you guys are wondering about cosby's middle initial, by the way, i think "h" stands for rapist. ( laughter ) i think that's true. i do believe that's true. all right, so what's landed fat albert back in the news? >> he has been accused by more than 50 different women of sexual assault. now, bill cosby is suing seven of his accusers.
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>> larry: hold up. cosby is suing women who accused him? so it's not enough to blame the victim and shame the victims. now you have to make yourself the victim? well, i guess there's nothing more 'muriccan than that uponp pb that's like if jeffrey dahmer sued the families of his vehicles because he got sick after eating them. even though dozens of accusers have come out against cosby, he's counter-suing the women for dying a defamation lawsuit against them in massachusetts. >> he is saying the women who have been accusing him of sexual assault have actually unlawfully caused him emotional distress. ( laughter ) >> larry: this is causing him emotional distress. what about the distress it's causing the women? it's also causing us emotional
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distress. you think i like talking about this ( bleep ) all year? that's right, ( bleep ). i haven't forgotten about you. that's right ( bleep ). i haven't forgotten about you. that's right, ( bleep ). i haven't forgotten about you. i haven't forgotten about you ( bleep ). ( bleep ). bill cosby, yada-yady-yadda, i haven't forgotten about you. >> even our commentators haven't forgotten about you. >> i haven't forgotten about you ( bleep ). >> i haven't forgotten about you. ( cheers and applause ) talking about this cosby story is killing me. this is what i looked like a year ago when i started this show. ( laughter ) yes! i was so beautiful then, you guys! i was gorgeous!
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so i'm happy to say that this story marks the end end of a year of cosby coverage on can the nigh. but 2016 is coming. i'm not about to forget you, ( bleep ). we'll be right back. redid you say 97?97! yes. you know, that reminds me of geico's 97% customer satisfaction rating. 97%? helped by geico's fast and friendly claims service. huh... oh yeah, baby. geico's as fast and friendly as it gets.
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( cheers and applause ). >> larry: welcome back. it's the holiday season and it means it's that time of year when people travel to see family and friends and collect presents from people who are completely out of touch. by the way, thanks, aunt judy. i love my new zune. now, this travel requires people to fly all over the world, but if you're taking off from america, it may be harder than think. >> we have seen significant abuse and misuse of the no-fly list. number one, just the fact that there's a secret list that the government uses to deprive individuals of their right to
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travel without any due process. >> of the 71,000 names on the list in 2007, roughly half of them were there by mistake. >> larry: that's right. the secret list the government keeps to prevent terrorists from getting on planes is actually just preventing a lot of non-terrorists from ever leaving america. and the craziest part is, you can't even get off the list once you're on it. so basically, the government makes a clerical error, and your life is ruined. ha-ha! what joy. ( laughter ) and, you know, to me this isn't even a surprise sprooiz. i mean, did anyone think the government was going to get this right. they couldn't even prevent ( bleep ) snakes from getting on that ( bleep ) plane. am i right? i think i'm right about this? those poor people never forget. but this is my problem with these government watch programs like "see something, say something." i live in new york city. i literally see something every day that i could say something
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about, right? but i get it. i get it. we live in dangerous times. we have to be vigilant, but we also have a constitution. i'm just saying-- you know whose job this should be? elf on the shelf? right? you guys know about this ?ing parents put him in rooms around the house and tell their kids the elf is watching them and reporting back to santa. i mean, hey, can't we put elfs and shelves all around new york? that would be awesome. and then we could go back to not looking or saying anything, right? okay, well, i thought i'd go right to the source on that question so please welcome an elf on the shelf. ( cheers and applause ) >> what's up, larry? >> larry: hey, elf. now your job is to exile the naughty or nice list for santa, right? >> normally, yes, but, unfortunately, this year, santa won't be delivering no toys, all
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right. >> larry: oh, man. what-- is he okay? >> he's fine, he's fine. he's just on the no-fly list, you know. ( laughter ) holy baby jesus, how did that happen? >> i saw something and i said something, larry. that's what i did. >> larry: no, wait, wait, no, no, no, no. elf, you got sapta on the no-fly list because of see something, say something? >> he's a bearded dude who comes into this country dropping off mysterious packages everywhere. ( laughter ) these days that's kind of a problem, larry. >> larry: no, no, no, no. elf! we're talking about santa! i mean, you know him. he's a nice man. >> a nice man, really, larry? you sound like every neighbor who's ever lived next door to a terrorist. oh, that boy from up the way, he's so nice. he always seemed normal. that's not going to be me, larry. not going to be me. >> larry: no, elf, elf, you're making a huge mistake. santa can't be on the no-lie fly list.
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you're areining christmas. >> don't shoot the messenger on the shelf. my job is to observe. santa already called me a snitch-ass bitch. >> larry: i don't believe santa would use those words. >> he did. he's a sad man. >> larry: i'm not trying to be on your back but don't you think you've gone too far? >> dude! not my job to think. the government wants us to report shady ( bleep ). a dude in a velour track suit, kind of obsessed with children. ( laughter ) it's worth reporting. that's something to report. so-- >> larry: it sounds bad when you put it like that. look, i get you can never, truly know someone but we need santa out there on christmas. how do we get him off the list? i don't know. tell him to shave. stay away from people's chimneys. and more importantly, their kids, all right? >> hey, man, it's not my job to think of ( bleep ). i'm just an elf on a shelf. >> larry: this is all too much for me. elf on the shelf, everybody,
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we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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>> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor rory albanese, "nightly show" contributor robin thede, and he's an actor and author whose book "mixed me" is available now, taye diggs. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home join our conversation right now on
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twitter @nightly show" using the hashtag "tonightly." there was an article where scientists stitched together what they believe jesus looked like and he's a little different from what most people are used to seeing. first let's look at traditional jesus. >> there he is! >> larry: and now let's see new demoraphically correct jesus. oh, yeah. >> wait a minute! >> larry: yeah! ( laughter ) okay do you think people are going to have a problem with this? >> of course, they're going to have a problem with this. it's jesus. everything with jesus is a thing. that's a big deal. it's another science versus religion moment where science is like, you know that magical guy you love so much. this is what he looks like? he looks like an uber driver. got you, religion! got you, religion! larry, you know what i'm talking
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about. come on, you know what i mean. >> he's so swarthy, this new jesus. i have never been able to use that word correctly. >> larry: do you think you need your god to look like you in order to worship that god? >> i think-- i think you shouldn't. i think it's kind of-- kind of hypocritical. i think it shouldn't matter what this cat looks like. what should matter is what he said, what he stands for, how he lived, of course,, of course. but-- i mean, i know-- growing up we all thought that whole reference to hair like lambs wool. >> right. >> we all thought okay he had a 'fro, with a pick in it. >> absolutely, absolutely! >> that makes a lot of sense. >> that's the velvet jesus we have at my house! >> it makes so much sense. like, he's from the middle east. he's going to look like a manner guy. he's not going to look like an
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irish dude, you know what i mean? he's just not going to look like that. >> black people think think he was dark. they thought he was black. >> we come in all colors. look at us. why can't jesus be light skinned? i don't know. >> it's true, it's true. but it does-- glu know what i like about-- he had that good hair. >> he had that good hair! >> i do love that it's like he-- we, like, showed up. what's up, jesus? >> larry: what do you think would be the biggest resistance to this jesus? do you think there would be a resistance? >> yes. >> of course,. >> larry: here's what would have to happen. i'ming catholic. they would have to go through the whole church and change all the jesuses on cross. >> so true.
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>> nobody smaik those changes. >> larry: you don't think that's going to happen? >> absolutely not. >> larry: thes evidence doesn't matter? >> no. >> religious people, generally speaking, aren't huge fans of science. but, also, it's like you said at the top, my favorite part about it is all these christian people, your mike huckabees and all these guys are always talking about jesus, jesus, jesus, this is the kind of jesus they wouldn't let into america. >> word up, word up. that's for real. >> and the best part about it sucan't even keep him out because he can walk on water pup know what i mean? ( bleep ) he will find a way in! he will find a way in! >> larry: can you put up the old jesus/new jesus? okay, let me ask you, straight up, which one of these guys do you think knows more about carpentry? ( laughter ) i'm just asking. i'm just asking.
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>> it's very true. if make-believe, like, 12-pack jesus, the guy with the abs, hanging in church, super hero jesus came over with a hammer, you're not going to fix anything. >> i think you just described thor. >> larry: why is jesus so cut all the time gidon't know, but i love it. i love it. it is why i went to church. the day they make jesus look like idris, i'm going seven days a week. i'm going seven days a week. >> larry: that's the next step. >> hallelujah. s that's so funny. >> larry: i have to show one more. this is my favorite jesus. ben carson has a picture of his jesus. ( laughter ) >> what is that! >> larry: why can't this be
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jesus? wait, which one is jesus? okay the one in the back. >> i have to be honest, you should just do a show where you just show pictures of jesus. that is the best thing of all time. >> wait a minute, what is wrong with jesus? >> it looks like he-- >> ompa-loompa jesus. >> it looks like he went to the wharf in san francisco and said, "do me in jesus." >> larry: a picture that looks like geez sus photo bombing him. >> why are they both in creepy white robes like they're going to the spa together? what is that? >> like they just came from a couple's massage. right there alone, ben carson should not be president just for having that in his house. >> larry: on that note, merry christmas, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panelists, rory albanese, robin thede, taye diggs, and our elf on the shelf. student for "@midnight" with chris hardwick. good nightly, everyone! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ♪


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