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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  January 5, 2016 1:33am-2:06am PST

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ow. i don't get it. i've been trying to say that i understand how you feel, but i'll never understand.l nev i'll never really get how it feels for a black person to have somebody use the "n" word.have sm i don't get it. - now you get it, stan. yea - yeah, i totally don't get it! ♪ get up, come on get down with the sickness ♪ ♪ come over me >> trevor: happy new year, everybody, tonight we'll cover the news we missed over the holidays and see how the republican candidates spent their new year's eve. if you guessed snorting cocaine off each other's again i tales, you're right. and my guest tonight is david cross. i'm trevor noah and this is "the daily show." >> january 4th, 2016. sphr comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause)
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>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everyone, and welcome to 2016. happy new year, everybody, happy new year. (applause) >> trevor: yes, i hope your holidays were fun. this is my first new year in america. and it was a fun-filled new year's eve with parties and celebrations that i skipped mostly to watch "making a murderer," that show is insane! now we were on break for the holidays. and during that time there was a lot of news that we missed out on. so i thought you know, let's catch up real quick on some of the big stories. obviously, we'll start with my favorites. >> miss universe 20150 is colombia! (cheers and applause) i have to apologize. the first runner-up is colombia. miss universe to 15 is
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philippines. >> trevor: that is so embarrassing. and the worst thing is the whole universe was watching, people. that is the worst mix up ever. i am disappointed in you samuel l. jackson. so disappointed. now some people would say that steve harvey just made an honest mistake. but some people don't live in colombia. you see, colombia was the same country where a soccer player was killed for scoring an own goal in the world cup. so after this little foa paw, steve harv-- harvey in paper mashier style met justice colombian style. >> trevor: hey, steve harvey, this is your agent. i have great knows-- news. you're blog up. now here's the bad news-- and while we're on the subject of people being brought to justice.
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>> comedian bill cosby is now formally charged with sexually assaulting a woman. >> mr. cosby urged her to take pills. the affect of which rendered her unable to move on respond to his advances. >> constand stated she awoke the next morning partially undressed. cosby gave her a muffin, walked to the front door, opened it and said, all right. (laughter) >> >> trevor: i didn't think it was possible for this to get worse. and i don't know why, but the muffin, it just makes it worse. you gave her a muffin, man? a muffin, man? a muffin man? he is lucky we're not holding his trial in colombia, i will tell you that much. and then there was litt ethan couch, the spoiled rich kid who in 2013 killed four people while he was driving drunk. but then he convinced the judge to only give him probation because his family was so rich
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they didn't raise him to know that drunk driving was bad. yeah, in fact, his lawyer said he was so rich he suffered from a rare disease known as affluence-- affluenza, the one disease that has yet to ravage the african continent. people every day please, please, affluenza, affluenza, affluenza. what is it-- ah, ebola! ebola again. so now, so now over the holidays affluenza kid allegedly violated his probation and then he tried to escape to mexico with his mom. >> they were captured in mexico after a phone call to order domino's pizza gave them away >> trevor: how douchey is this kid. you go all the way to mexico and you order pizza. you are in mexico, order mexican food. you know, you belong in prison for that, my friend, yeah. and for the man slaughter, obviously. the worst thing is right now there is probably a mexican
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trump standing in mexico somewhere. and you know what he is saying right now, you see, that's why we need to build a wall. america is sending us all their drunk drivers and their drunk drivers' mothers. and some people i assume are good but for the most part, it's these assholes. and that brings us to 2016. texas started the year off with a bang. >> a new open carry gun law taking affect in texas. it allows licensed gun owners to carry a holstered gun in public. >> texas is one of the last states to legalize it. now the whatth with some form of handgun open carry. >> trevor: ah, texas, even made me move to the desk because whenever i'm doing a story about guns i like to have something i can duck behind. so with the slew of other shootings, texas has legalized open carry. of the few fire arms that they couldn't already. because texans could already
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carry assault rivals. so basically it is like they started at a ten on the crazy scale and now they are saying you know what, let's throw in a seven as well. and i understand that many people are worried that if people carry guns openly, that will lead to more gun incidents. but that's not necessarily true. after all, walker texas ranger openly carried his gun. but his feet were the real danger. and they were always concealed. but also open carry doesn't mean more people will be carrying guns. they were already doing that. it's texas. all it means is that now they can be open about it. and that's all they were asking for. >> it's about time many texans will tell you. >> i don't have to worry about am i hiding anything. >> you will see more and more people realize it's no big deal, really. >> everybody should have the freedom to defend themselves however they choose >> trevor: yeah. is you see gun lovers in texas just want to stop hiding who they really are. although it is a little odd how as soon as people got this right they immediately went out into
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the streets. they were just running around, like yahoo, now i'm going to bring my gun everywhere. they were in the street. let's go shopping and the laundromat, and hey, i'm late for my shift at the coffee shop. and you know what, a little exuberance is fine. but the people in texas, this was almost a little bit like when gay people first realized that society was starting to accept that people might be openly gay and they immediately went out and started dancing on truck beds dressed as giant penis, which on the one hand is great, i mean you be you. but at a certain point we get it you love giant penis. so texas is out of the closet about being supergay for guns, what should people do if they see somebody walking around with one. that say big question. >> don't worry because a local texas police department has completely cleared that up with this helpful very serious, very real public service announcement >> .
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>> they have a gun. >> effective january 1s open carry is legal in the state of texas. the law allows licensed citizens the right to carry handguns in plain view in a waste or shoulder holster >> trevor: guys, please, don't laugh. that's not cool. you can't judge somebody by their accent. i need you to be mature. this is a real video. at that the texas police department made. don't laugh just be serious. >> before you call 911, ask yourself, is the gun out of its holster? is the person acting wreckless? if you see something suspicious, call 911. >> trevor: you know what i'm saying. is he acting reckless? suspicious. is he, you know, from the dark side of the crayon box? you know what i mean.
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oh, but wait, wait, angry on. i do see something suspicious, there is a guy in texas who is about to buy a bottle of cabarnet. you can be open about who you are but some things are still out of bounds, my friend. we'll be right back. okay, what is this? it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. hey, what's this? ] chardonnay party. well, the helen i know she brings a sledgehammer to a thumbtack. she brings a flamethrower to a bonfire. she brings beer to a chardonnay party. a lot of metaphors, but i get it. as long as you are you, it's miller time.
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as awhy sometimes i'm justrson, too busy to cook dinner. so, i just pick up kfc's twenty dollar family fill up with eight pieces of delicious, original recipe chicken. it's finger lickin' good.
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>> trevor: welcome back to
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"the daily show," people. finally, it's actually 2016. we spent almost all of 2015 talking about 20-- 2016. but now the real thing is finally here. yeah, and we still don't know who the candidates will be. while we still don't know whod republican candidates will be. but there is one republican who might be a little worried. >> the major campaign shakeup tonight for republican ben carson. the presidential candidate losing his campaign manager and his communications director who both resigned. >> i'm sorry, what, ben carson had a communications director? (laughter) what the hell was he teaching him? okay, ben, slow down. slower, close the eyes, now thases' a president. but if you really want to understand what is going on with its 2016gop candidates, all you have to do was spend new year's eve with fox news which gave
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each candidate the chance to express nur year's wishes to the american people. >> this year my resolution is to preserve our liberties and restore prosperity across america. >> my resolution for 2016 is to do everything i can to not just restore the american dream, but to expand it to reach more people. >> i hope you've had a good 2015. but i'm hoping you will have a better 2016. >> good luck with your resolutions. mine is try to stay off the ice cream in iowa. >> i love. this you know what i enjoyed about this whole night was that you really got a sense for the candidate. you could understand everyone. rand paul, lives in some libertarian utopia. o i don't know what their background is. marco rubio, is he clean cut, middle of the road. mike huckabee is just happy to be here. and rick san tor up knows that there is only one bat knell iowa he has a chance of winning this year, and it's not against jeb and donald, it's against ben &
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jerry's. ted cruz also took some time out to talk. i wish he didn't. and let's hear what he has to say. >> it is great to be with you, happy new year. 2016 is going to be an incredible year. 2016 is going to be the last year of the obama presidency. 2016 is going to be the last year before hillary retires permanently. 2016 is going to be the last year that we have obamacare. >> trevor: you know what i-- i hate to-- this is actually the part where ted cruz was trying to filibuster new year's. and this is going to take awhile. so you know what, let's just put him-- yeah, let's leave him down there. we're going to come back, this goases on for awhile. anyway, now not everyone was as enthusiastic as senator cruz about the new year. >> to all my friends, i hope that we have a prosperous, healthy and secure new years.
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happy new year, everybody. >> he had more time. >> yeah. >> we gave him as much time as he wanted. >> i know! am. you know what it was, short and sweetd. (laughter) >> trevor: that's exactly what you can expect from the bush campaign. short and sweet. he has unlimited resources and he doesn't do anything with them. this guy is still going. let's see what carly fiorina had on her mind. >> while you are at time square we're at mason neck, virginia with our grandkids, our daughter and our son in law, whooo hoo >> trevor: was that a sar cass particular who hoo. this is the couch where we spent christmas, new years and let's be honest, probably where we'll spend the election night. who huai. and look at cruz, he's still talking. nobody wants to hear your story, man. it's new year's eve. people want to get hammered and watch strangers in stupid hats kissing. this guy is still talking. but the best moaments of the
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night, the best moment had to be when fox brought on donald trump. now he was supposed to do the count down to them until midnight. but for some strange reason, he didn't count down what everyone else was counting down. and then after that he proceeded to have his own mini count down, you know i just wamped the thing. >> stay with us. we'll get back to you. right after this, after the ball drops. >> we're doing the count down. >> okay. >> . >> four, three, two, one. yaie! >> happy new year! >> yeah. donald trump gets his own countdown. i'm so rich i get five more seconds of new year's eve. and if you think about it, it actually makes sense. donald trump is basically the human em bodiment-of-time square.
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they both are old, loud, flashy and full of garbage. and new yorkers can't understand what everyone else sees in them. they're a perfect match. we'll be right back. when your type 2 diabetes numbers aren't moving in the right direction, it can be a burden. but what if you could wake up to lower blood sugar? imagine loving your numbers. discover once-daily invokana®. with over 6 million prescriptions and counting,
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an acker and comedian who's show was called todd margaret. >> you look different. is it your hair? no. are you taller? >> i done know. i look pretty tall. >> that's not it. >> i had my teeth quiteened. >> that's it. >> now about the new microwave. >> doug, i really don't give a [bleep] where you heat up your noodles. i have a lot to do and what happened to will. >> i waish that was elementary, my dear watson. >> jesus, i forgot about that. >> i was supposed to meet him after work at a bar for a drink. >> why would you meet him at a bar. you work ten feet away from each other >> trevor: please welcome
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david cross. >> standing ovation! standing ovation! >> trevor: i'm kind of disappointed that you didn't walk out naked. >> i get that a lot. >> trevor: just from arrested development, i feel like you were naked a lot. some fans remember that, they're like yeah. >> you completely misunderstand the concept of never nude then. because he would never be naked. but that, just for the folks at home, that clip will be-- it's okay not to laugh cuz that will mean nothing if you don't know the first two series. that's all. cuz it's not a very interesting, hon its own clip. it's not something i ever would have said that's the to 20 seconds >> trevor: i feel like now, i
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was interested. but you did raise a valid thing and that is what are the first two series about what is todd margaret about. it's a weird show. >> yeah, the first two told the story from the beginning, middle and an end. and an end that we always knew was going to be there and we had to get to it and then that end just so happened to be the apocalypse, the armageddon, i should say >> trevor: you realize, you have not told me what that show is about. you basically do what you do in the show. i don't know what's going on. >> it's b i mean for those you that don't know, it's about a horse farmer, horse breeder who becomes tran but doesn't change his gender so much as tries to become a horse. (laughter) well, all right, see, well, you
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know. (laughter) >> that's the problem >> trevor: everybody's watching the show right now, you understand that. this is the magic, everyone is watching the show right now. >> no, it's about a guy who, seriously, about a guy who was a horse, then tranned into a gentleman. it wasn't that either, you guys. (laughter) >> trevor: it's really funny. this is weird though. i don't understand, like i understand in hollywood and the world of tv, people want a thing to carry on even when it shouldn't carry on. but you guys blew up the world at the end of the season two. >> right >> trevor: how do you make season three? >> well, that's a great question. and i never fore saw doing a third season. didn't want to do it. wasn't interesting because the story was told.
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and there was a three-year gap in between the end of serieses two and series three and that was because, again, it was over and i moved on. and emotionally as well as physically. and then they came to me and asked if i would do a third series. and i said no >> trevor: cuz the world is blown up. >> yes, exactly. i was even, like, you know, after the hundredth person asked me like hey, man, loved the show, is there going to be a third season. no, how can there be. and and i said well, what if it's post apocalypse thing or what if it's a prequell. no, no, no. and i said out of courtesy to them, cuz i do like those people, they are really great to work for. and i said i'll go and ask the other writers if they have any ideas. and then i wrote to them and then about an hour later mark
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chappell, one of the other writers e-mailed me with this crazy idea that was so great, it was like [bleep] i got to go back to london for another eight months and do it >> trevor: let's talk real quick about your standup. it's been a long time since you've been out there on the road. >> yeah, i haven't toured >> trevor: dusting off the mic. are you getting ready to go out there. >> yeah, my golden mic. i haven't gone-- done a proper tour in six years >> trevor: yes. >> and with that, ladies and gentlemen, where is my camera, over here? ladies and gentlemen-- >> trevor: you can use this one in the middle. this one in the middle. >> ladies and gentlemen, i would like to announce right here in front of the united states of america, i will be-- wait, over here? i-- where is the-- i will be going out on a six-month tour international-- wait, i should be looking here. (laughter) >> north america, europe and
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australia. (cheers and applause) >> this is the official announcement, official announce-- you don't think is he serious but he's very serious. david cross is going back on the road. you're going to be out there, what is the tour called. >> well, for the moment it's called making america great again. let's do it! let's make america great again. >> that my friend say great name for comedy. todd margaret will premier on january 7th. david cross, everybody. (cheers and applause) sfx: rocket blasting off (ding) (dong) (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding)
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(ding) sfx: (countdown) 3, 2, 1 (ding) (ding) (ding) rocket love these things.] hilarious. [ sigh ] sorry. force of habit. as long as you are you, it's miller time. video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile. get unlimited streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs each for just thirty bucks a line. that's right- six gigs each plus all the video streaming you want with binge on. just thirty bucks per line. and it's only at t-mobile.
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[just go ahead and take any weempty seat you see... [coughing and sneezing] i hope it's not contagious. [playing flute] ♪ so i do have it. ♪ ♪ [music stops abruptly] ♪ when your mom wakes up, can you tell her about me? alaska. finally. the search for brown bears begins. denali highway. low on gas. pit stop. fill up. double points. yep, that's cold. tired. day 2. coffee. eggs. double points. beautiful. majestic... nothing. where are you, bear? warm. warmer. warmer. yes.
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wherever the journey takes you, carry american express gold. it's more than a card. it's the gear that gets it done. >> trevor: that's our show for today. here it is, your moment of zen. >> new year's eve 2017, if kimberly and i are hosting the show, we call donald trump what is the interview, how am i going to intro donald trump?
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>> larry: tonightly, bill cosby is charged with sexual assault, and his attorneys say they "intend to mount a vigorous defense." note to cosby's attorneys -- "intending to mount is what got him into this mess! the cosby charges stem from an incident in 2004. hey -- as long as we're dealing with incidents from 2004, can we also arrest the movie "white chicks"? (applause) and an armed militia has ta

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