tv The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore Comedy Central January 6, 2016 2:05am-2:36am PST
(soft music) (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> trevor: now here it is... your moment of zen. >> but they don't want me to use hair spray, they want me to use the pump. because this one, which i like better than the other one because it goes binghampton bing and it comes out in big blobs and you say, my god, i have to take a shower
>> larry: tonightly, donald trump says hillary clinton using the bathroom is "disgusting." if sitting down to pee is disgusting, what do you call someone who spews crap out of his mouth? mexican authorities arrest the notorious "affluenza" teen who killed four people while driving drunk. once again, mexicans doing an important job americans won't do. and bernie sanders is with us again tonight. he's already slashed my salary to give the money to teenagers interns a living wage. i'm feeling the bern. step inside "the nightly show" and let's do this! captioning sponsored by
comedy central [cheers and applause] >> larry: welcome to "the nightly show." thank you very much. thank you so much. now guys, calm down because i have just a word of caution tonight. if you start to notice a burnino "feel the bern," as they say, it's because bernie sanders is on the show!é xxnow, if that burning lasts
throughout the week, you should probably see a doctor. so, we are a month away from the iowa caucus, which means it's time to find out what is the latest in the quest to de-negrofy the white house. what's happening with the unblackening?iyçb,9so far, dony clinton are still the lead unblackeners. [laughter] we had a chance with ben carson. now, while the g.o.p. debates have garnered a lot of attention, the democrats have taken a different approach with their debates; they're actively trying to discourage people from watching. this is true, you guys. the democrats actually held a debate on the saturday night before christmas. the only way they could've ensured fewer people watching is
if they got m. night shyamalan to direct it. i still said his name wrong. it's shyamalan. whatever it is. seriously, this guy made a movie in which marky mark gets chased by the wind for two hours. that's just unacceptable. anyway, figuring no one was watching, hillary excused herself and went to the bathroom. during the debate. well, apparently one person was watching. >> i'm watching the debate, and she disappeared. i know where she went. it's disgusting. i don't want to talk about it. nah, it's too disgusting. don't say it. it's disgusting. >> larry: yes, she went to the ladies room, or, as donald trump would call it, "the shame chamber." i mean seriously what's up with trump and
women's. bodily functions? he once called public breastfeeding disgusting. it's like he's fine with women until he finds out they're human. by the way, that's why he sold the miss universe pageant; he found out those woman pooped. i'm not making it up. "you're telling me no where inca woman. who doesn't poop. you checked all the planets?" and it's not just trump attacking hillary. >> clinton was repeatedly confronted by a woman later. identified as a republican state state. legislature... legislator, rather, about rape allegations against president clinton. >> you are very rude, and i'm not going to ever call on you. >> larry: hear that, kids? if you don't want the teacher to call on you, just stand up in class and repeatedly bring up allegations about her husband being a rapist. this has been "larry wilmore's classroom tips."
but even if hillary won't hear any talk about the 42nd president, she doesn't mind hearing talk from the 42nd president. >> former president bill clinton gets set to hit the trail solo to campaign for his wife. >> larry: wait, bill clinton is hitting the campaign trail solo? you're telling me that hillary is letting him travel alone, stay in a private hotel room and talk for hours every day? bill clinton is in heaven! my god, this is exactly what he wants. bill was so excited when hillary asked him to do this that there's currently a bill clinton-shaped hole in their house. which is weird, because he really couldn't just use the door. but can bill really stay disciplined and convince voters that hillary is the best. candidate? for more, let's check in with our good friend and clinton aide, carlos jordanson, live in new hampshire. [crowd cheering]ms
now, carlos, you've been assigned to travel with president clinton as an emissary for his wife's campaign. how's that going? >> larry, new hampshire is great. president clinton brings so much energy and excitement to the campaign. >> larry: where are you right now? >> new hampshire! just like i said! >> larry: no, i mean, there's some kind of velvet curtain or something behind you. where specifically are you? >> oh, president clinton has taken me to a small business so we can meet some voters.q>> lart music? >> probably just a car radio. yeah, we're here at an american business that's focused on hiring women because secretary clinton stands for equal...
coming up on the main stage are girls glenda. >> larry: jesus! are you at a strip club? >> i think this establishment's name is stiletto's. maybe it's a shoe store. who am i to judge? >> i don't think it's a shoe store. everyone in here is a potential voter. in fact, many of them just turned 18. >> larry: and how would hillary feel about where you are right now? >> she'd be thrilled to know that her husband is meeting so many voters close up!c6 sometimes three at a time. ( cell phone rings ) oh god, it's the secretary. she found my iphone. i've got to get off the grid! >> larry: wait, so that was the secretary?
>> yes! oh, god, larry, you've got to help me. i can't control bill. i have $10,000 worth of nanny cams in my trunk, but the man doesn't stay in one place long enough for me to set them up. >> larry: carlos, what's going on? was that a ping pong ball? >> with the presidential seal, yes. this is out of control. i'm a married man, larry! do you know how hard it is to get glitter out of a $300 silk tie? >> larry: yes, it's the worst. i mean... no. >> well, larry, i've got to split. president clinton is heading off to denny's to "look for some talent." i think denny's requires a shirt, mr. president! >> larry: well, good luck! carlos jordanson, everyone. carlos jordanson, everyone. we'll be right back. boom. told ya. hey know it alls, you're welcome. now that t-mobile has double the lte coverage you can prove you're right to more people in more places. faulty fuel injector
you showed him huh, still alive. told you nailed it! you're wrong, it's that way. ha, ha, ha t-mobile's new extended range lte reaches twice as far, and is 4 times better in buildings. now you can know it all, from almost anywhere. advil pain relievers are used by more households than any other leading brand. to treat their aches and pains more people reach for advil. relief doesn't get any better than this. advil.
>> larry: welcome back. earlier, we mentioned some of the heckling and trolling that's been going on between the candidates on the campaign. trail, but i wanted to point out one example that literally soared higher than the rest. >> interesting moment in california today. this involves a message in the sky above the rose parade in. pasadena. the sky writing there, it reads, "america is great, trump is disgusting." anybody but trump. no word yet on who's behind it. [cheers and applause] >> larry: no word yet on who's behind it, but i have a theory. i was actually at the rose parade when this happened, and i shot some footage myself with my phone. check out what was happening at the same time. yes! it was a bernie sanders rally! he looks guilty. you're welcome cnn mystery
solved. [cheers and applause]-÷ >> hears the story, i don't have to make money to make donald trump look dumb. he does it all by himself. >> larry: i agree with that. okay. you have a lot of people who love you. i'm telling you, love you out there. [crowd cheering] it's possible love for you. it seems to me you've been
running awe all the top secret democratic debates so far. that last one was like at 3:00 a.m. like christmas eve. who do you think is more guilty, the republican party or the democratic party? >> we all want to be part of the establishment. and i think it is sad to say but i am not the candidate of the establishment. what you draw the conclusion. >> larry: i know it feels like there's a conspiracy out there. i don't think they come with the popularity screwing with their plans. are there any issues out there that you think may be is being overlook right now. but you as a candidate --
>>çgñ i think that -- larry, off the top of my head, i think black lives matter -- [crowd cheering] >> i know you're black but you should not be embarrassed. it's important that we raise the issue. >> larry: how can the president lead on that issue and have the americans feel included as americans in this. because always said this is -- >> i don't think so. look. i think white people are as appalled as african americans or latinos seeing what we're seeing on television. and that is unarmed people being killed. [applause] i think there are a number of things we have to do. first and maybe most important is to make sure that if a police officer breaks the law, that officer like any other public official must be held accountable. >> larry: absolutely.
[cheers and applause] >> larry: i mean, we are more likely to see -- >> that has got to change. >> larry: i tell you what donald trump said a few days ago about hillary clinton. i need you to interpret it. >> she was going to beat obama. i don't know. how does it get worse. but she was going to beat, and she was favored to win and she lost. schlonged. >> larry: i'm a little rusty on my yiddish. i was under the impression that was a noun and not a verb. so how do you slon schlongwhat . how does someone get schlong. that's what i want to know.
>> i think you'll have to ask donald trump for an explanation for that. >> larry: you have no explanation. >> i have yet to recover from trump's shock that women go to the bathroom. >> larry: yes, exactly. >> i'm still recovering from that. so schlong, i haven't figured out yet. >> larry: all right, okay. with that in mind, let me just give you one key to a hundred questions. got to get 100% real. if you win the know nation which a lot of people hope that you do. [crowd cheering] in the general election, even though you don't understand this, would you promise to schlong donald trump. just say yes. just say yes. [crowd cheering] >> rent me jus let me just say t him strongly. >> larry: we'll be back with
america runs on dunkin'. aren't moving in the right direction,bers it can be a burden. but what if you could wake up to lower blood sugar? imagine loving your numbers. discover once-daily invokana®. with over 6 million prescriptions and counting, it's the #1 prescribed sglt2 inhibitor that works to lower a1c. invokana® is used along with diet and exercise to significantly lower blood sugar in adults with type 2 diabetes. it's a once-daily pill that works around the clock. here's how: invokana® reduces the amount of sugar allowed back in to the body through the kidneys and sends some sugar out through the process of urination. and while it's not for weight loss, it may help you lose weight. invokana® can cause important side effects, including dehydration, which may cause you to feel dizzy, faint, lightheaded, or weak, especially when you stand up.
other side effects may include kidney problems, genital yeast infections, urinary tract infections, changes in urination, high potassium in the blood, increases in cholesterol, or risk of bone fracture. do not take invokana® if you have severe kidney problems or are on dialysis. stop taking and call your doctor right away if you experience symptoms such as rash, swelling, or difficulty breathing or swallowing. tell your doctor about any medical conditions, medications you are taking, and if you have kidney or liver problems. using invokana® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase risk of low blood sugar. imagine life with a lower a1c. are you loving your numbers? there's only one invokana®. ask your doctor about it by name. >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor jordan carlos. nightly show contributor grace
parra, and, once again, please welcome presidential candidate bernie sanders. and for everyone at home: join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag "tonightly." tonight, we're going to do things a little differently. instead of throwing out a news story for all of us to discuss, our topic tonight is you, bernie. very simple. >> i know something about that. >> larry: now bernie, you've actually been criticized for being too nice to hillary during the debates.l]don asshole to become president? >> i certainly hope not. >> larry: this energy that's out there, this rude energy. why do you think people are responding to that type of energy in such big numbers right now. >> because people are angry. they're hurting is, they're confused. and you have somebody like trump
comes along and says do you know what the cause all of your problems is, it's the latinos or the muslims. and we have to deal with those issues and your life will be better. well that's old fashion demagogue gee. that's skype gettin scapegoatins of years and we've got to do asking. >> one thing with women that's angering and disheartening to earweearn $.78 to the dollar. african american will earn $.64 and lí knee like myself earn$.64 to t. my question is what hope is there not just for women but minority women so we can afford --
[applause] >> the first thing that people work 40 hours a week in this country should not live in mawfer they. we're going to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour. to answer your question, there is no rational economic reason why women should be making $.78 to the dollar compared to men. it's sexism. and we will pass legislation requiring pay equity for women period, end of discussion. >> i love that answer. >> do you know what larry, that's the big deal because if you raise the minimum wage, there are millions of single moms that could benefit and be able to raise their kids with dignity and a security in a way they can't do it today. it's a big deal. >> larry: i have a two-part question here. ben carson came out and said -- i probably should have gotten
that out of the way. i apologize. but -- >> late in the game. >> larry: what would you do president sanders in your first hundred days in office? what's on your agenda for the first one hundred days. what's the most important thing. >> that's on my agenda is to put forth legislation which has the wealthiest people and the largest corporations of this country start to pay their fair share of taxes. [applause] so that, so that we can clear of millions of decent paying jobs and rebuild our crumb ling infrastruck sure so we can create the kind of child care system that working parents need so that we can move toward making public colleges and universities tuition free. so that we can expand social security rather than cut it. a lot of elderly people can't make it. in other words we have to
transformcc this country and understand, there has been a massive transfer of wealth in the last 30 years from working families to the top one tenth of 1%. we've got to transfer that money back to the people, i think. [applause] >> a lot of people want to ask -- >> are you looking for a job? >> well, is it going to be like ben or jerry? are you leaning more towards one or the other. >> you heard the expression of a chicken in every not. well a ben and jerry in every household. >> i was in college and i loved it. >> you think that's it, ben and jerry's ice cream. >> i'm just saying a lot of people would like you to
probably join up with somebody whose name rhymes with -- i'm putting that out there. have you thought about that? would you ever hint about that. >> the last time i was on your show you got me to say i was thinking -- >> come on bernie. >> let me just say this. elizabeth warren is a very good friend of mine, ie known her for a very long time before she was senator. she stood up to wall street and stood up to the big money insurance. she and i will work together, totally. >> i lovehm [crowd cheering] >> feel theç+ bern, everybody. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
♪ (trap door opening) rootmetrics in the nation's largest independent study tested wireless performance across the country. verizon, won big with 153 state wins. at&t got 38, sprint got 2, and t-mobile got zero. verizon also won first in the us for data, call speed, and reliability. at&t got... text. stuck on an average network? join verizon and we'll cover your costs to switch. if this doesn't get your toes tappin', then check your pulse...
♪ crispy m&m's® are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's® are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) so good, they're back. what beer may i fetch you, my lord? umm... i'll have a redd's apple ale. and perhaps a wrench. no. a wrench, a wrench. redd's apple ale. also in strawberry and green apple.