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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 14, 2016 2:35am-3:06am PST

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>> larry: thanks to my panelists, mike yard, holly walker, and mario batali. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from @kcjuvi. and they ask, "would you publicly endorse trump, without having to vote for him, for the winning powerball ticket? hashtag keep it 100." what is it up to right now? >> $1.5 billion. >> larry: it's a billion dollars. hold on. here's ( bleep ). no. hold on. i can't do it!
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i can't do it! i can't do it! it's a billion dollars, you guys! thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. that wasn't fair. it's a billion dollars. you know you would take the money. goodnightly, everyone! >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on! the st. louis rams are officially moving to los ang less -- [ applause ] >> chris: angelenos seen happy about this. this will immediately double the city's body weight. the rams will probably spend the next five years waitressing
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before moving home to mary ann accountant and have kids. i know you have seen this video. it's so good ♪ hey, hey ♪ hey, hey ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: it does seem like they know how to ram it. what are they talking about. a pun on the name? butt sex? the concussions. who knows. what is a new slogan for the l.a. rams? chelsea davidson. >> la rams we don't ram it anymore now we get fingered on a casting couch. >> chris: adam new man. >> la rams our uniforms are costumes. our practices are rehearsals.
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>> chris: sean g. >> la rams, will beat you worst than the lapd. >> chris: [beep] [cheers and applause] >> chris: damn! >> a nice 80s joke for you. chris: guess who is getting pud over and the [beep] kicked out of him after the show tonight. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: performing at u.c.b. sunset in l.a. january 16th, it's chelsea davison. >> yea. [ applause ] >> chris: hello welcome. >> chris: his album "killed" is available on stand-up records vinyl & itunes, it's adam newman. what a vinyl record you have made here. >> a time traveler. >> so pretty.
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chris: congratulations also available on itunes. adam newman thank you for being here. [ applause ] >> chris: his album "manual labor face" on comedy central records is available on itunes, it's sean donnelly. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." new graphics! p-rbg [cheers and applause] these are some of the top tops trending online today. let's blast through these mothers... our first topic is: el niño! last week el nino got sourb california super wet. we know how to ram it. 8's gene kang sacrificed his dockers to get the reaction of a driver in this flooded macy's parking lot. comedians, does the driver play it cool or lose his cool? adam? >> he's definitely going to lose his cool. >> chris: let's find out
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together. >> we got gut reaction from one driver who had his car stuck in this, we really feel for him this morning. [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [ applause ] >> chris: i see the storm is not popular with cartoon una bomber- >> in fairness that was filmed at the tourette's driving school. >> chris: i will give you a hundred points for. that. >> thank you. chris: our next topic. harry potter date. if you're a nerd looking for the valentine's day, good news, because now warner bros. studios in london is hosting a harry potter dinner! for $700-ish, you and a date can
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share a romantic bite in the hogwarts great hall, drink a tankard of butter beer, and if all goes well, maybe get your wand wet. >> only if it's consensual. chris: that's right. >> nobody wants date snape. the potions master. >> chris: oh [beep]. this is a perfect way, give me your best harry potter pick up line. >> are you a huffle puff, i want to huh your muff. >> chris: points. chelsea. >> i will let you put it in my orifice that must not be named. >> chris: adam. >> i may have a big beaters bat, aoeupblg still sure i can slither into your chamber of secrets. >> chris: well done. [ applause ] >> chris: the important question is do you speak parsil tongue.
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>> chris: on to our next topic. militia care packages! the group of armed bumpkins camped out in an oregon birdhouse have been getting care packages from around the country, and one oaf who swore an oath posted a facebook video itemizing their provisions. he swore he was just protecting the constitution. that's why he's not going to be around much. instead of taking care of his kids he's sifting through garbage. what did they send him? a.) a subscription to cat fancy. b.) a bag of dicks. c.) a music box filled with bird [beep] >> i know it's dick. >> dick, dick, dick! audience: dick, dick, dick! chris: well done. >> a bag of dicks. chris: ya. [ applause ] >> chris: honestly the last thing they need is tiny -- >> you're wh * you're a bag of
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dicks you get a bag of dicks. >> chris: i don't think they will like these dicks they're all colored. >> chris: where's the white wupbdz. the important thing is this guy had a huge sense of humor and didn't flip out like a irrational militant man. >> no! chris: no, not the dicks! by the way, hello guns. >> we didn't want a bag of dicks. he wanted a edible arrangement of snatch. >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. when brilliant artist and all around amazing human being david bowie passed away on sunday, the internet was flooded with moving tributes from fans all over the world also, the band smashmouth did a
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thing. they covered "under pressure." some call "nightmarish." ♪ why can't we give love, give love, give love >> chris: nobody. >> shouldn't be allowed to sing that song in oakleys. >> chris: sounds like they're saying "under pressure" is a great song. let's take out the harmony of freddie mercury and david bowie and put it all together in a unkprcomprehendable ball of cra. tonight's #is #ruinalovesong. [examples: "i think i love you but i could be having a stroke" and "you fleshlight up my life".] 60 seconds begin. chelsea many. >> when chris brown was a woman. loves a woman. >> that may of won the whole
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thing. >> chris: adam new man. >> let's get it on video. chris: points. chelsea davidson. >> it had to be you. i'm 39 and childless. >> chris: points. sean. >> jack and diane are probably divorced by now. >> chris: yes, a couple times i imagine. adam. >> sexual, oh no healing. >> chris: points. yes. >> chris: sean. >> baby in res. >> that ruins the song. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #ruinalovesong and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @eryn noterin. thank for and extreme begin?
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i'm hitting the last few cities for my "fun comfortable tour." this weekend the 14th-16th i will be in nashville, tennessee at zanny's. come out. go to it's time to play "talk birdy to me." talking to animals can't be that just for your jade wearing aunt. anyone can do it.
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for 250 points, please tell me what they are saying. first up, this howling husky, what's he saying? >> chris: chelsea. >> where are my balls! [laughing] >> chris: absolutely. sean. >> why do seals keep trying to [beep] me. >> chris: points. next up. this pissed off puss. [laughing] >> oh my god i should watch these before we do this show. that's [beep] terrifying. what in the holy living [beep]. jesus christ. what sort of weird egyptian mummy curse [beep]. the material plane. oh, i don't feel good.
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chelsea. >> why am i made entirely out of paint. [laughing] >> chris: points. sean. >> she is clearly say, oh no, no, no, no, no. no, no you didn't. >> chris: points. >> did she just get cheated on. i got this pussy whacked for you. did you cheat on me. >> chris: next we have thi pathetic panda. >> chris: sweet perm. >> where do you want me to [beep]. [laughing] >> chris: points. sean. >> make sure to try the orange chicken. [laughing] >> chris: points. alright. [cheers and applause] >> more points. chris: next up. this pig with the munchies.
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(pig squealing) >> chris: sean. >> sorry, i'm being a real me right now. >> chris: oh, nice. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of talk birdie to me. it's time for our next game "thrill or spill." in these trying times, little kid gifs are the gift that keep on gifing. whether they're experiencing a moment of pure bliss, or falling flat on their face, it's equally enjoyable. comedians, i'm going to show you a still image of an adorable little kid and for 250 points i want you to tell me if they are going to experience a thrill or take a spill. first up. thrill or spill? sean. >> i would say spill. kids are dumb. [laughing] >> chris: let's find out. [laughing] >> which is it?
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>> a thrill or a spill? chris: i mean it's -- i think it's a spill it may become a thrill. >> a thrilling spill. chris: yes. how about this outdoorsy kid? thrill or spill? chelsea. >> i'm going to say he takes a spill. i feel i have done that on slip ask slides. >> chris: hurray. ohhhhh. >> that was emotionally trying right there. >> chris: wow. [laughing] >> chris: next one. how about this sports fan, thrill or spill? adam. >> we haven't seen a thrill yet. let's go with a thrill. >> chris: a thrill, let's see. >> oh, ya. [laughing] [laughing] >> i bet if you check his pants
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there is a little spill. >> a little spill there. [laughing] >> chris: a hundred points for your spill joke, chelsea. last one, last one. thrill or spill, adam. >> definitely a spill. chris: got to be. >> too high to fall off of. we have to see a spill. >> oh. >> surprise. >> a spill. >> that could be a thrill because maybe he is happy to see his brother. >> thrilled. >> oh, jackpot. that's the end of "thrill or spill." it's time for our live challenge, "dicture perfect." if you're a man who has a penis so perfect and beautiful it deserves to be shared with the stranger on tender. your balls come out blurry. it doesn't go the right way.
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luckily for these guys, a new service called "dicture gallery" where she'll take tasteful, professional pictures of your junk. she will dress them up in costumes like "dicki minaj" and "benito mussoweenie." she has fun. comedians, as a penis photographer at a dick photoshoot, please give directions to your subject. she looks really happy to be here. she is holding the bounce card. >> looks like she works at the dmv. [laughing] >> chris: ya. >> a lot of dicks. chris: we will have your answers after the break with more@ dick night. ♪ the more you move the more you sweat degree motionsense technology keeps you fresh with every move. it has unique microcapsules that contain fragrances. friction breaks the capsules... ...releasing bursts of freshness all day.
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♪ >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, we told you about a photographer that turns your dick pics into dick mast arepieces. hopefully he doesn't have red eye there. i asked you to direct your dick model. adam. >> balls to the back, foreskin to the front this is no scrotophoto. >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> chris: chelsea. >> i'm not a miracle worker. the camera adds pounds not inches. [ applause ] >> chris: damn. sean. >> yes, show me that side ball, let the wind blow through your pubic hair. to the left not that far left. oh, it's just like. that. [ applause ] >> chris: alright. [laughing] >> chris: make love to the camera. no. no. no. no. alright. i have to give a thousand points
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to sean. 500 to chelsea scad afplt. >> i'm in the game! chris: sean just pulled ahead. adam you have to get on the [beep] buzzard. >> is that a dick pun. chris: ready. here we go. it's time for "synoptic nerves." in only a few hours, oscar nominations will be announced making our lives liveable. honoring the year's best films and prompting everyone to ask, "what's a 'carol?'" but no one has time to watch all the great movies that get nominated every year, so that's why we're playing another installment of "synoptic nerves." i will show you a former best picture winner. i want you to explain in five words. forest gump. >> simple ton on bench bothers people. >> chris: points. next up. titanic. yes. >> big iceberg kills gilbert grape. >> chris: next up braveheart.
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>> mal hates gentiles for once. chris: next up the godfather. >> spaghetti, cannoli, parmesan, horse head. >> chris: well done. points. next up west side story. chelsea. >> romeo and juliet but racist. chris: points. next up driving miss daisy. >> a very involved uber driver. chris: points. well done. and finally this could make or break adam. the sound of music. >> escape but not through song. chris: alright. not only just points. >> chris: that's the end of "synoptic nerves." adam newman i'm seer we have to eliminate you. any last words? >> i have genuine last words.
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sean's album is fantasti. if he doesn't win tonight i hope chelsea does. >> chris: you're such a nice man. red light. >> chris: that means it's time to go prematurely gray... it's for the win! obama delivered his final state of the union address on tuesday. people were shocked homophobic mullet kim davis was invited to one of the most important political events of the year. they were more shocked how much president obama has ages in the white house. there was a split screen, right there. who is that fresh face lad on the left there? he doesn't look that bad. here is a redditter showing lincoln at the beginning and end of the civil war. not the exact end of his presidency. [laughing] >> chris: that's not a good photo. >> missing one little piece.
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[laughing] >> chris: -- if they spent eight years in the o *ebl oaf al office. pick a current candidate and show us what they would look like at the beginning and the end of their presidencies. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. parking is hard to find. seems like everyone drives. and those who do should switch to geico because you could save hundreds on car insurance. ah, perfect. valet parking. evening, sir. hello! here's the keys. and, uh, go easy on my ride, mate. hm, wouldn't mind some of that beef wellington... to see how much you could save on car insurance, go to ah! (car alarm sounds) it's ok!
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if you need a reason to start - i'll give you two.wl 50 early get a large,1-topping pizza for only 50 cents when you order any large pizza at regular menu price. better ingredients. better pizza. better football. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you, the audience, will decide the winner. before the break, we showed you a splitscreen of president obama at the beginning and end of his presidential term and asked you to create before-and-after images of current presidential candidates to see how they would fare in office. let's see what you came up with! first one. oh, ted cruise, how does he end up. hey.
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great. [ applause ] >> chris: number two. number two. oh chris christie. how would he do as president. [laughing] [cheers and applause] alright number two. who is number two? chelsea davidson. you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be whitney cummings, nick swardson, and matthew gray gubler. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #ruinalovesong and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. chrishardwick on snapchat. goodnight! announcer: and now,a message from the people who ruined our ocean. good evening. i'm tony hayward, from british petroleum. i'm steven newman from transocean. and i'm tim probert from halliburton. we're back! you've probably heard we've made several attempts to contain the spill. an early plan was called the top hat. that's where we tried to cover the leak with a large containment tank.


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