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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  January 19, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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there's no denying ♪ i'm ready for this, you stop me falling ♪ i'm ready for this, i need you all in ♪ i'm ready for this, so darling, hold my hand ♪ soul is like a melting pot when you're not next to me >> larry: tonightly, audience members at liberty university laugh after donald trump refers to second corinthians as "2 corinthians." ( laughter ) i know. but in trump's defense, he is a pandering idiot. you know? right, it's not his fault. trump points to the great wall of china as proof that his proposed border wall with mexico will work. ( laughter ) i mean, he has a point. very few mexicans have walked into china. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and "scholastic" pulls a picture book from stores that shows
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"smiling slaves on nearly every page." the texas board of education says, "don't throw those away. we'll use them as textbooks!" ( laughter ) it's go time, people. this is "the nightly show"! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome to the show >> larry, larry, larry! >> larry: thank you very much. such a great audience tonight. >> larry! >> larry: i like that la-la-larry! i am larry wilmore. we've got a great show for you. you qaim on a very special night. and i know what you're thinking at home. are you talking about carol's
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birthday? no, i'm not, i'm not. it makes sense. it does make sense. it does make sense. but one year ago tonight, we started doing this show. ( cheers and applause ) a year ago. wow! can you believe it? wooo"n" that's right, man. it is our one-year anniversary! i have to say, we got a very, very thoughtful gift. thoughtful gift. donald trump was kind enough to talk about religion, which brings us to tonight's unblackening. one of the key constituents that donald trump has to win over are the evangelicals. now, they make up 57% of the caucus-goers in iowa. and according to trump, he's in good standing. >> i have a very great relationship with god. and i have a very great relationship with evangelicals.
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( laughter ) >> larry: if trump and god have a great relationship, it's probably because they never see each other. that can work, right? all right. so he is winning over some of the evangelical vote, but i think he's ( bleep ) about god. >> i'm wondering what one or two of your most favorite bible verses are and why. >> i wouldn't want to get into it, because to me that's very personal. >> old testament guy or a new testament guy? >> probably equal. ( laughter ) >> larry: "probably equal"? am i the only one seeing how transparent this is? you've never read the bible, donald trump! i mean, come on. if trump ever touched a bible, it probably sizzled. but donald trump's got to convince the evangelicals that he's as full of jesus as they are, so yesterday he took his dual-testament-loving self to liberty university. now, the first thing he did was brag about the crowd size,
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>> we broke the record. you know, we had the record for about three or four years the last time, and the first thing i said to jerry and becky when i got here, "did we break the record?" they said, "yes, you did, by quite a bit, so we'll dedicate that to martin luther king, a great man." >> larry: dr. king? how did he get in this? what do you mean, "dedicate?" dr. king's not your 16-year-old girlfriend. what does that mean? but let me just break down that entire statement for you guys. liberty students are required by the university to attend these rallies, so if trump broke a record for attendance, it is only because liberty enrollment is up, not because every student actually wanted to be there. so he's basically talking out of his ass, which by the way, is what he wants to dedicate to dr. king. ( laughter ) oooh! larry! but trump vowed to fight for this religion he so clearly never thinks about.
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>> we're going to protect christianity, and i can say that. i don't have to be politically correct, or... ( applause ) >> larry: or correct-correct. all right, donald. you're being a little too general. you need to be more specific. you know, quote something. i got an idea: quote something every christian would know-- or even non-christians-- something like second corinthians. i mean, who hasn't heard of second corinthians? i hear this is a major theme right here, but 2 corinthians, right? 2 corinthians 3:17. that's the whole ball game, where the spirit of the lord, right? where the spirit of the lord is, there is liberty. and here there is liberty college, but liberty university, but it is so true. you know, when you think-- and that's really-- is that the one? is that the one you like? ( applause )
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>> larry: there is so much wrong with that. you know what i love about this? he doesn't even know how wrong "2 corinthians" sounds. he's oblivious to it. and when people laugh, he acts like he was the originator of that mysterious joke. for you non-religious people, let me see if i can give you an analogy. let's say you're a huge "star wars" fan and someone comes to speak to your "star wars" group. in this scenario, you have no life. they say they are huge "star wars" fans is and have a great relationship with "star wars." and they say "i want to talk about the farce, and we're all strong with the farce. that's what you like, right, the farce? we're all strong with the farce? who doesn't like the farce, right? the farce is strong with luther vandross skywalker. am i right? ( applause ) okay, it's clear that trump doesn't know the bible, but there is a book that he knows
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very well. >> i wrote "the art of the deal." and who has read "the art of the deal" in this room? everybody. ( laughter ) >> larry: i think three people clapped. trump says "everybody"! but i interrupted. you were in the middle of some ( bleep ). please, continue. >> who has read "the art of the deal" in this room? everybody. i always say-- i always say a deep, deep second to the bible. the bible is the best. the bible. the bible blows it away. there's nothing like the bible. >> larry: please, stop it. flees stop him from talking. i can't take it anymore. come on, god, are you out of lightning bolts? don't you smite anymore? he just elevated his crappy book "the art of the deal" to just below the bible. ughh. can't you see what he's trying tede, liberty u.? he's trying to close the deal. he's trying to convince you that he's just like you. evangelicals, you have to listen
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to me. look, you can be forgiven for falling in love with ted cruz. but you'll never be forgiven for falling in love with this troll. you know what? it's probably hard for you to hear me when i talk like this. you know, let me say it more evangelically. ( organ music playing ) ( applause ) i'm talking to you, evangelicals. you make up 57% of the caucus-goers, so you are our last hope. the bulwark against the creep of evil ivy that is donald trump. and he is growing wild! can i get an amen? >> amen! >> larry: he is a snake in the grass, and you must cast him out like the devil! "2 corinthians"?! what man of god can't name a bible verse?
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how about "jesus wept"? 'cuz jesus himself is weeping at how big of an ( bleep ) donald trump is. did i say ( bleep )? yes, i did, but god will forgive me 'cuz i'm talking about donald trump-- i'm gonna need another "amen" very quickly here! >> amen! >> larry: and who in the name of the almighty doesn't know the new testament from the old? the old testament is the one with all the damn smiting. some of us know there's a difference! what i challenge you to do, evangelicals, is to smite down donald trump's campaign! smite it down! give me an amen for the smiting down! >> amen! >> larry: smite down the trump campaign and loose ourselves of the grip that this-this-this i will. hold on.
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that this, this false prophet and this-this-this idolator has on the caucus. he is a fever that must be broken, and the only cure is truth! am i right about the truth? then did i not get an amen for the truth? y'all don't hear me this morning! let's exorcise this demonic abomination from our national conversation! remove this devil-uh from the voting booth-uh! cast him-uh forth! cast him! lemme hear you say cast-him-uhh. lemme hear you say forth-uh! lemme hear you say forth-uh! now lemme just hear you say uhhh! yield not to the temptation of trump, but be sure to send along your donations to "the nightly show" ministries. no donation is too big or too small in the eyes of the lord. much like jesus, we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) can i get an amen? squire?!
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( cheersand applause ) >> larry: welcome back. there's a new trend hitting the kids' books section, and it's called "whitewashing slavery." >> a children's picture book about george washington making the feeds after the publisher had to pull it for sending the wrong message. the book made it seem like the slave was happy, a perception that many believe tries to sanitize slavery in general. >> larry: uhm, let me just clear something up for anyone out there who might be confused about the disposition of slaves. they were not happy. now, the story is narrated by the daughter of the slave who is baking a birthday cake for george washington. and in almost every picture of the book, the slaves are
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ridiculously happy because they're making a cake. and right out of the gate, this sweet child says, "there is one problem. we are out of sugar." nooo. that's not the problem. the problem is you're slaves! here with more thoughts on these "happy slave" books is our own mike yard. mike, welcome to the show. i can't even get over that. what did you think of these books? >> they're cute, larry. >> larry: cute? you've got to be kidding me! >> no, i'm not. in fact, they're so cute, they inspired me to write a whimsical tale of my own. ( laughter ) >> larry: really? whimsical? >> whipsical,ular i. it's about a slave uprising. it's called "massa dies." spoiler alert: massa dies. >> larry: massa dies? mike, are you sure this is a
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kids' book? >> hell, yeah. it's for the kids, larry. it's for the ( bleep ) kids!!! >> larry: okay, calm down, mike. this doesn't sound appropriate for children. >> oh, it's very wholesome. look. here's the happy kitchen slave serving massa his birthday cake. >> larry: okay, that seems harmless enough. why is he smiling? >> well, larry< the slave is smiling 'cuz he added a little secret ingredient to the batter, and now he'swatching massa eat it. >> larry: oh, my god. that's disgusting! you can't read that to kids! >> sure you can, larry. it's very educational. if you're going to show slaves happy, they need to be happy for a reason. and what could make a slave happier than knowing there's a little piece of him in every slice of cake massa eats? ( laughter ) >> larry: all right, so he pees in massa's cake. great. so is that how it ends? >> the end of "massa dies" is
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that he eats peecake, larry? >> larry: i don't know. >> larry, think about what you just said. >> larry: i'm sorry. >> bam! >> larry: oh my god. they lit the house on fire? >> yeah, that's a little django ( bleep ) i threw in there. >> larry: wow, but why are there chains on the door? >> 'cuz massa's in there, larry! the book's not called "massa gets out." >> larry: i got it. i got it. i understand, massa dies. parents, you might want to monitor what your kids are reading. >> massa dies, everybody! >> larry: that's enough. mike yard, everybody. we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor holly walker. ( cheers and applause )
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and "nightly show" contributor robin thede. ( cheers and applause ) and you can see his new show "mad dogs," which debuts on amazon january 22, actor romany malco. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter "@nightlyshow using the hashtag "tonightly." >> tonightim to talk about the oscars. >> uh-huh. that's a good hashtag, "them oscars." >> larry: especially since you heard the "oscars so white" hashtag. i'm going to show two competing views. >> is it time that people of color recognize how much power, influence that we have amassed? maybe it is time that we pull back our resources. i will not be at the academy awards, and i won't be watching. >> larry: and now whoopi goldberg.
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>> chris rock is the host of the academy awards, and so to boycott him seems just as bad as what everybody's saying. you want to boycott something, don't go see the movies that don't have your representation in it. >> i agree. >> larry: two different point of view. first of all, is too much being made of all this? yes or no? >> yeah, i mean-- look, i don't think a boycott is going to change anything. you know what i mean? they didn't see us to nominate us. if we're not there, they're actually not going to see us. i mean-- i just think it's a little-- >> like the bus boycott. >> exactly, exactly. >> i don't know-- i don't know who-- i don't know who it matters -- you know, look, i've never watched the oscars. >> larry: never? >> really? >> never. i've never, ever watched the oscars. >> larry: you're an actor and you never watched the oscars. >> it's not my club. maybe i never watched it because there's nothing-- not to diminish what mo'nique and whoopi goldberg have accomplished at the oscars, but
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for themselves, it's never been my thing. maybe because it doesn't reflect anything like me. i don't look at some all-white golf club and be like, "man, i'm going to get in there." i might not make it out ( bleep ). ( laughter ) sorry, skew excuse my language. i do play golf, but i don't want to play golf-- my dad always said people think moving into a neighborhood where your children might get lynched is an accomplishment. i don't get that sensibility. be honest, some people are only into this because it's become a topic. they didn't give a ( bleep ) about the oscars, either. it's a bandwagon thing. >> i think a lot of people want to be the best. it's why tiger woods is there, it's why serena williams is there. you can't say in one breath how proud we are when halle and mo'nique and dens expel all those people win but when we're not in there say we don't care. i think we're always going to care but the system is -- >> why do you think it happens,
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robin? >> the voter base is 94% white and 103% old. that's how that math works. >> yes. >> when they're watching, they get the screeners, you know, they get to see the movies. when they see a movie that comes through the threw that says "straight outta compton," they're like next. >> larry: they're like "straight back to compton." >> it's all about the voters. absolutely. the first black friend they found, they they have that to. >> larry: it might go in cycles. i mean, people could be exhausted with black people right now. black lives matter. we were tired, black people, we're tired. >> that's true. >> gl we can't vote for black people right now. we're doing too much black stuff. >> and 36 mafia got an oscar problem. >> larry: we're still waiting for that. it seems to me a lot of, let's just say, white actors get more complex roles more of the time. the same thing men tend to get more complex roles than women get in the acting field.
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i don't know if people would be concerned if kevin hart were left on mars. >> i would watch it! that would be hilarious. >> i'm going to get my ass kicked fidon't say something back to that. >> listen, i won an oscar, why not? i can't get an oscar for doing what i do. >> i would absolutely go and i would absolutely get it. i would absolutely go. i don't see why we're boycotting it now. it's been the same ways for years. it's always that way. >> why are people surprised by racism? what! i'm like, you know, it leaves me baffled. so -- >> we're going to announce the oscars. spoiler alert ( bleep ). ( laughter ) 2009 was the funniest oscars because robert downey jr. gets nominated for playing a white guy pretend pretending to be a
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black guy, and it's like, that is-- look, being a black man, that's got to be the big estacting job ever. that's amazing. he gets nominated for an oscar for that in a comedy. >> the biggest stretch. >> but that's not the first time. that's what white people do. they play amazing black people poop that's what white people do, they play amazing black expem expooem win awards for it. >> that's true. a black person can't play a white person and win an oscar. >> larry: no. >> we should try it. >> i would love to do that. i would be the best shirley temple that you have ever seen. >> oh, my god! >> i was hoping you would go into the range of "thelma and louise." that was good. that was good. >> a little white girl, i would absolutely do it. >> and you can't take your makeup off until you win the oscexpar then be like a-ha! >> and i would tap dance with kevin hart. it would be great. >> how did he get in there.
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>> larry: sounds good. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) big news! the new sprint lte plus network is faster than verizon and at&t... based on data from the world's foremost authority on independent measurement. to celebrate, we're gonna cut some prices in half. switch to sprint and save 50% on verizon, at&t or t-mobile rates. no gimmicks. no tricks. it's the biggest offer in u.s. wireless history! what about verizon? 50% off. at&t too? 50% off. even t-mobile? 50% off. plus, we'll even pay your switching fees, up to $650 per line. so start the new year off right and switch today. so we brought in dr. michael littman to help explain to anna the complexity behind her refund. so, you're getting this refund because your son is a qualifying dependent, and that makes you eligible for the child tax credit. ah...i can see that.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, holly walker, robin thede, and romany malco. we're almost out of time, but before we go i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from @robbiefarmer. they ask, "if it took killing mike yard and ricky velez to keep trump from being president, would you? ( bleep ). sorry. i love them both. laugh out loud." sorry, mike, but absolutely! i have to do whatever it takes. thanks for watching, don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. goodnightly everyone! ( cheers and
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this happened on twitter! notorious millionaire scrotum martin s license kreli wearing his punchable face it s. out on jail. he's taking a break of jacking up the price of life-saving drugs to ruining music! "i may or may not be dropping a mix tape on wednesday. #staytun


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