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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  January 21, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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i mean, that makes no sense. it lacks horse sense. so the lawyers say, whoa! >> larry: tonightly, hillary clinton's server contains dozens of highly classified messages. in response, she quickly deleted her lead over bernie sanders. ( laughter ) see how i did that? yeah, yeah. a new poll shows bernie sanders leading hillary clinton in new hampshire by 27 point. after seeing the results, bernie was heard yelling in excitement-- or talking normally. it's hard to tell sometimes. he's yelling all the time, all the time. and a minnesota cop posts a
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facebook message urging drivers to run over black lives matters protesters. yeah, he's the biggest proponent of running over black people since suge knight. i'm just giving you the facts. let's get this party started. this is "nightly show." ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. thank you, so much. please, thank you. welcome-- i love it, "larry, larry." almost some harmony going on over there, i think. i'm not sure what it was. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. man, we have a great show tonight, but before we get to
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it, i have to take a minute and mention the winter storm that's hitting our nation. not the snowstorm, but the ( bleep ) storm coming out of this woman's mouth. >> our vets and you deserve a commander in chief who will respect what it is that our forces go through and would never leave them behind! a commander in chief who would never lie to the families of the fallen. >> larry: not this again. ( laughter ) i can't take it, you guys. i thought we left her behind in 2008 along with jeremiah wright and jack johnson. why is she still here? and, by the way, what prompted sarah palin to take a dump on obama as the commander in chief our military? >> police arrested track palin this week for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend. authorities say the veteran also threatened to shoot himself with an ar-15 assault weapon, palin telling the crowd her son is coping with p.t.s.d. >> larry: okay, look, i make
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fun of sarah palin a lot, but p.t.s.d. is no joke. they say serious problem that, unfortunately, a lot of soldiers have to struggle with. >> palin telling the crowd her son is coping with p.t.s.d., tying his troubles to a president, she says, who neglects veterans. >> larry: wait, what? she's blaming this on obama? ( laughter ) calm down, larry. calm down. ( laughter ) let me hear. >> but my son, like so many others, they come back a bit different. they come back hardened. they come back wondering if there is that respect for what it is that their fellow soldiers and airmen and-- and every other member of the military, so sacrificially have given to this country. and that starts from that, the top. the question, though, that comes from our own president, where they have to look at him and wonder do you know what we go through?
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>> larry: um, excuse me, but you can't just crawl out of your frozen igloo ( bleep ) shack once every election cycle just so you can become nauseatingly relevant and spew recycled partisan crazy sauce all over everybody. ( laughter ) and then use an issue as serious as p.t.s.d.-- let alone pimp out your own son and his problems. i mean, none of our soldiers deserve to have these problems become partisan issues. ( applause ) ( cheers ) also, you're saying obama's a horrible president. i'm saying you're a horrible human. ( cheers and applause ) please, please, please, please, please, for the love of god, just leave us the ( bleep ) alone. ( applause ) all right! now it's time to check in with the unblackening.
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♪ ♪ that just make meas happy. wait, no, i'm sad. all right, we turn to new hampshire where locals are preparing for winter storm bernie. >> the latest poll in new hampshire finds the democratic praer there is turning into no contest at all. bernie sanders leads hillary clinton by 27 points. >> larry: 27? ( applause ) woooo! 27, as in the number of dresses in 27 dresses? i'm not katherine heigl film theorist but i'm pretty sure the implication is 27 is a comically large number. so why is bernie so far ahead? i mean, i get that he's a popular senator from the state of vermont, which is right next to new hampshire, but hillary beat obama there in 2008, and including with her husband, the clintons have been campaigning there for 25 years:00 is two years shy of a heigl. but bern's message and socialist
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charm can't be the only thing leading the charge. >> they found some e-mails classified at a higher designation than top secret. more top secret. this is a problem. >> larry: yes, this is a problem, with words. you know, top secret means the most secret, right? i mean, when you say something is more top secret, it eliminates the entire point of the words "top secret." this message is brought to you by word. word-- for the love of christ, use us correctly. word. ( cheers and applause ) all right, okay, this is amazing to me. i can't believe, so more e-mails. that's what you're telling me right before new hampshire. why do these keep coming out? i thought when they came out they were out. it's almost like they're being released strategically. >> her campaign spokesman accusing the intelligence community's inspector general of
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coordinating with the g.o.p. to hurt hillary clinton's campaign. >> larry: inspector general? the inspector general was appointed by the obama administration. are they trying to say that the obama administration is responsible for these leaks? okay, if that's true, this is a bigger conspiracy than the whole avril lavigne mishegas in 2003. she's not dead, you guys. ( laughter ) also alive, too, by the way. let me see if i understand this properly. so obama is not only creating havoc in sarah palin's family, but he's also trying to bring down hillary's campaign? where is he getting all this free time for these extracurricular activities. i mean, between this, and secretly praying five times a day, it feels impossible to me. ( applause ) i just don't know when he can do it. all right, here's the thing. okay. luckily, we have just secured a source inside the white house who can tell us with whether the administration was involved or not. another so, please welcome our secret white house mole. >> how you doing? how you doing? ( cheers and applause )
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>> larry: welcome. so is the white house behind these leaks? >> now, look, i have it on good authority that-- ( laughter ) that the president had nothing to do with it. >> larry: um, but, but, can you be sure? >> uh, let's just say the know the guy pretty well. ( applause ). >> larry: hold on a second! you sound like obama. >> oh, that's just 'cause when you hang around somebody, you-- ( laughter ) you pick up their mannerisms. like, if you went to england, you'd start saying, "jolly good!" >> larry: all right, well, look, it seems like these are coordinated leaks meant to hurt hillary. who's your best guest guess? >> the information involved is sensitive, way above your pay grade, beyond top secret. >> larry: why are there levels of secrecy beyond top secret? >> you know, why are there levels of popcorn beyond pop secret? i don't know.
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>> larry: that doesn't make any sense. wait, hold on, do you smoke? >> shhh! michelle will kill me! >> larry: okay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) michelle! come on, you are obama? >> no, no, i meant me-shell, my doctor's name. she's quite french. >> larry: look, even if it's not obama specifically doing the leaking, someone from the administration or the white house or somebody over there, it seems like they're trying to hurt hillary, and wouldn't that have to be done with obama's tacit approval. >> larry, listen to yourself. you sound like a conspiracy nut. do you think maybe it was sasha or malia, or bo the dog picked up the phone and called the "washington post." you, sir, are delusional. >> larry: you, sir, are obama. >> no, i'm not, i'm not. let me be clear. ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay, let me be clear. >> larry: everything you say sounds exactly like him. >> i know, it's weird, it's weird. >> larry: okay, i'm listening. >> work with the man, this is
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what happens. obama is not down on hillary. although he'd have ever right to be after all the awful things hillary and bill said about him in the 2008 primary. >> larry: you mean like when they referred to obama's campaign as a fairy tale. hold on. he's still upset about that? >> no, he's not upset about that. he does not hold on to things. that is not why he still smokes! >> larry: oh, my god. >> now look, look, look, folks, i gotta go pick up sasha from soccer practice. >> larry: sasha! how are not the president? >> sasha is a very common name. much like leilani in hawaii, which i hear say very nice place. >> larry: i don't believe anything you say. a supposedly secret white house source, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) you are obama! ♪ sorry... sorry... regerts? sorry, i was eating a milky way.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. our next story-- thank you. our next story hails from the epicenter of black culture, st. paul, minnesota. >> a st. paul police officer is on leave, accused of advising drivers through facebook to "run over any protesters in their way." >> it referred to today's black lives matter m.l.k. justice rally. >> the post said, "run them over, keep traffic slowing, and don't slow down for any of these idiots como whotry and block the streets." >> larry: no, that's right, a minnesota cop told drivers to run over protesters at an m.l.k. rally. i know what you're saying. minnesota? that sounds like some deep-south racism. usually midwest racism is more, "oh, gee, you're black." or,ing, okay, all right, i'm just gonna lock my car door here." "okay, so then there's that, okay." i mean, i can't believe this. what else did the post say?
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>> the post also advised people how they could get away with it. >> larry: not only is this horrible but it also gives way the plot to shonda rhimes' new hit drama "how to get away with running over black people." ( laughter ) she's going to be really upset about that, you guys. for more on this, let's talk to a member of the st. paul police department. please welcome officer peggy grendelson. now, peggy, you agree that this was a disgusting act, right? >> oh, fer sure, larry. putteen something like this up on facebook is absolutelly unforgivable, you betcha. >> larry: i know! i know! on facebook! that cop was out of his mind! >> oh, yah. what was he thinking? at least create a private group called, oh, i don't know, "let's run over uppity blacks who won't quit yappin'," and then you can control who sees your hateful posts. >> larry: or you could just not post awful things like that! >> yah, i s'pose.
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we're on the same page there. >> larry: no, we're not on the same page there. i'm trying to find out where you stand on this. now, the cop gave specific advice that after you run someone over you go tell the police and tell him you felt threatened. you agree that that's wrong, right? >> oh, yah. the first thing you should do after you mow down loud blacks on a bridge is not tell a cop. go to the car wash, then you take it over to heppener's auto body. while they're dinging out the dents, just bop on over to caribou coffee. >> larry: caribou coffee? >> oh, yah. they keep the coffee rull hot over there. they don't let it get medium. we're on the same page. >> larry: we are not on the same page! we're not even in the same book, okay! i don't even understand how you can be so nice and be so horrible! >> yah, well, okay then. great talkin' to ya.
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>> larry: great talking to you, too, i think. peggy grendelson, everybody! we'll be right back. if you're trying to be a little better... things just got a whole lot better. introducing entrees loaded with flavor, not calories. applebee's grill & bar favorites made a little better for you. featuring new dishes, all under 650 calories and starting at just $9.99.
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integrate your education with your faith and christian worldview. welcome to the family. find your purpose, at grand canyon university online. >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor jordan carlos. ( cheers and applause ) and "nightly show" contributor robin thede. ( cheers and applause ) and she's the host of "his and hers" on espn2, weekdays at noon, jemele hill and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag #tonightly. earlier this week we talked about the academy awards and #oscars so white, and people keep weighing in. the latest is actress stacey dash, who had this to say on fox
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news: >> either we want to have segregation or integration. and if we don't want segregation, then we need to get rid of channels like b.e.t. and the b.e.t. awards and the image awards where you're only awarded if you're black. if it were the other way around, we would be up in arms. it's a double standard. >> larry: okay, i don't want to focus on how cray-cray stacy is. but do black people still need their own awards shows? >> the travesty of it is we do. what she doesn't get and i think a lot of us have been hit with that question before-- "well if it was on the other side, if you had white entertainment television, what would you think about that?" >> larry: you mean cbs? >> exactly. it's just television, right. they're a response to, okay, they're a response to the fact that we've been segregated against. we did it because we were excluded from those things.
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right? >> larry: it's like ebony. how come there are all people in "ebony?" because there is a magazine called "life." >> also, just to clear this up. she's wrong. black people are not the only people that can get b.e.t. awards and image awards. sandra bullock was nominatedded for an image award. >> larry: but she has a black kid. >> i think george lucas won one. >> yes! >> larry: but he has a black wife. >> okay, okay, larry! >> awards shows, they give artists confidence, recognition, affirmation. and more than, that like, it says we don't need the affirmation of the main stream, you know. and i think by just saying that i may have gotten a little closer to getting a b.e.t. award. what do you think? >> larry: do you think those awards shows keep us out of the main stream? like people say, "well, they already got the b.e.t. awards?" >> no, the oscars and b.e.t.
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awards have coexisted peacefully for many, many years. >> larry: the oscars and the b.e.t. awards. >> b.e.t. are the black oscars. is stacy deaf? come on. b.e.t. was the only network emploig her for many years. and she plead, can we get our money back? way to bite the hand that feeds you. >> not only that, "jet" magazine, "king" magazine, she was the black pinup girl for a long time only because black people were but putting her on. maybe she doesn't understand this, but the white people weren't ( bleep ) until you start talking about black people. >> that's right. >> larry: are there any black awards shows we can get rid of? all people did was shoot each other. >> why do black people have to get rid of their awards shows. why is there an i heart radio
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awards show? >> larry: who watches that. >> what about the kids' choice awards? we can go without slime. i think we'll be fine. >> larry: the latin grammys make me think latin artists shouldn't win regular grammys. >> that's what i was going to say, what about the country music awards, the glad awards. everybody wants to award their community. it's fine. it doesn't preclude the other awards from happening. ( applause ). >> larry: also, being involved in the awards. >> that's right, that's right. and there are lot of black people who have oscars and b.e.t. awards. i just want to keep comparing-- >> you really want to host the b.e.t. awards. she really does. >> i just feel like when it comes to sentiments like that and boycotting, african americans when it comes to protesting, we're the marines. we always go in first, and it's never pretty. you know what i mean? but we opponent door and then it, like, opens doors for gays, for lesbians. on and on and on.
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and for asians. because people will be like, "what about latinos?" and things like that glt whole point of these things, ralph edle son said it best. we were invisible. we had to create ways to create visibility for ourselves. it really is the bottom line. >> yeah, well, that's why this idea that we're segregating ourselves is a real false narrative. i think the existence we live in, and probably one of the biggest problems of racism is we have to deal with the main stream, but the main stream doesn't have to dial with us. and that's why we have some of these issues that we have. they can any on and pretend we don't exist, and that's part of the reason why we've had to create these alternate avenues. >> larry: since i have you here, this was big news today, the buffalo bills hired their first full-time female coach. >> it's beginning of the end! >> larry: i want to know, do you think we'll ever see a female head coach in a man's sport? >> i do. >> larry: really? >> if i had to guess i think it would be the n.b.a.
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you already have becky hammond, nancy lieberman doing things with the kings. >> larry: she's with the spurs. >> very well respected player with one of the most respected organizations. >> yeah, yeah, yeah, but how i do get in the locker room. >> larry: okay, robin, what sport-- what sport-- i know you're a huge sports pan fan. >> i am. >> larry: what sporpt do you think would be the most resistant to a female head coach? >> i would say the nfl. >> definitely, definitely. i would probably say male gymnastics will probably be the biggest holdout of all time. don't you think? i mean, like bella is always-- >> this is what this is about. >> i couldn't stick the landing! i wasn't perfect! >> one day. just let all that hurt out. >> tell them what your favorite move was. >> it was the iron cross, you know what i mean? >> larry: you really did this? >> larry, no! >> larry: okay. ( laughter )
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, jordan carlos, robin thede, and jemele hill. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. keep it 100. tonight's question is from @mercurialmiss. they ask, "#keepit100forever, marry sarah palin or stacey dash?" >> oh! who are you going to marry? >> oh, boy. >> oh, my god. >> larry: this is a horrible dilemma. >> oh, god. >> larry: i mean, i can't really answer this question. >> oh, larry! >> larry: all right, all right-- >> i know. >> larry: it would have to be stacy dash. i couldn't marry sarah palin. i would never marry sarah palin. thank you very much.
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thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me keep it 100 questions on twitter. good nightly, everyone. >> chris: it's 121:59, this happened on tech crunch, pull out your fansiest kredzity card because the apple watch will soon be available. it is a 1100. the perfect accessory for the person who didn't think a regular apple watch was enough to say i love wasting money that i don't have (laughter) the strap come coms four different color, brown, blurks black and red but the buyer only comes in white. (laughter) co


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