tv The Daily Show Comedy Central January 27, 2016 1:37am-2:11am PST
because it's always about you. here are the best ten seconds i could salvage from the piles of shit you sent in. - you know, "girlfriend," it's such a confusing term. - well, your butt's not on your period. - choke me. - you're a whore. your fingers are fat. i want to kill you. [laughter] - surprised no guy told her her tank's on backwards. all right, lesson learned. i'll never ask you women to do anything again. by the way, her fingers were fat. [laughter] good night. [applause] [audience ohs] captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central
>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everyone. we have a great show for you tonight, our guest tonight, black lives matter activist, deray mckesson is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) and we're going to have a great conversation about the black lives matter movement. but let's warm up with something fun. isis. ( laughter ) things are going really badly for isis. they're losing the key city of ramaude tow iraq. their oil fields are being bombed, and worst of all, they can't seem to find love. >> isis fighters are also taking a coup from the polarity of online dating web sites to recruit western women as brides. >> analysts say this blog is a recruitment tool for isis targeting mostly women in a match.com style. >> trevor: so now isis has a dating web site. ( laughter ) i can just imagine girls telling their friends about the guy they met. "so, i've been talking to this guy. he's kind of a bad boy.
like, so bad. no, like, really, he's evil." ( laughter ) in case you're wondering, is this really like a western dating site? it kind of is. >> men are promised beautiful brides, true to the faith. experts say there's even a catch phrase circulating-- jihotty. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i want to see those profiles so badly. who is typing that out? seeky jihotty for some caliph-fun. no fat-wahs. ( laughter ) and now, obviously, you know, dating a jihotty comes with some risks, but isis apparently has that all worked out. >> the women are treated like chattel. they are gifted to the foreign fighters, and then they are recycled when the first husband dies, they'll be recycled again. >> trevor: another now, when
you put it like that, it sounds rough. but to me this just sounds like dating in your 20s, you know. it's all or nothing. today is all there is. it's you and me against the western world. and then when it doesn't work out. ♪ to the left, to the left all of your remains in a box to the left ♪ here's what's wonderful about this whole story. isis is encouraging their soldiers to marry women that they meet online without ever seeing what they look like. do you understand how easy it would be for us to take advantage of them. we'd just put a bunch of marines in burquas, put them on those dating sites. then on the wedding night when the isis husband is like, "take off your burqua." it's like, boom! you just got catfished by seal team 6, asshole! yeah! get on the ground! get on the ground!" now let's have sex and then i'll kill you. ( laughter ) what, they've got to consummate the marriage, come on. all jokes aside, all jokes
aside, isis really is a scourge, a scourge that needs to be dealt with seriously. you know, they've been a big problem for the world, and over the last year we've heard a lot of helpful suggestions for how to defeat them, such as bomb them back to the stone age. bomb the ( bleep ) out of them. and, of course, stab them with a pocket knife. ( laughter ) ( applause ) because nobody expects the knife. ( laughter ) now, defeating isis is a complicated task. you know, there's no one solution to this. and bombing can be a part of that, as long as you hit the right targets. >> newly released video shows the u.s. bombing this isis money storage site near mosul. tens of millions of currency destroyed, the u.s. believes. >> officials say if you look closely, you can see cash fluttering in theaur. >> trevor: oh, ( bleep )! no, that is so dope. i haven't seen it rain like that since i was at an outdoor strip
club in seattle. are you kidding me? because it's an outdoor strip for the seattle and rain-- whatever. that's why the rest of us use banks, isis. yeah, now the $5 a.t.m. fee doesn't look so bad, does it? it wasn't hard for the u.s. to find isis's cash. all they had to do was look for the giant mattress. ( laughter ) and as it turns out, vaporizing isis' cash is make an impact. >> isis fighters are getting a massive pay cut. the islamic state says they're cutting salary by half meaning isis fighters would see their pay crop to about $200 a month. >> trevor: a 50% pay cut. that's pretty mute bruital. that really is brutal for them, especially a group that already carpools everywhere. ( laughter ) now, now they're going to have to get zipcar. i mean, this is-- this is a really big blow to isis.
to have to cut salaries in half? and here at the "the daily show," we have some exclusive footage of isis' most recent h.r. meeting. >> everyone, a couple notes from h.r. here. first, we've had some reports of sexual harassment so, keep that up. also, in addition to the recent pay cut-- and, please, don't shoot the messenger-- seriously, it's about the 72 virgins. corporate is cutting that number to 31. >> oooh! >> and i say "virgins" but all disclosure some of them may have done some hand stuff. stuff. ( laughter ). >> trevor: oh! that guy looks like jordan klepper. so, isis, like a retired nfl player is facing a serious money crunch, but at least in the organization they're being fair about the cuts. >> according to this document, isis has, and i'm reading straight from it-- decided to slash these salaries because of
the exceptional circumstances experienced by the islamic state, saying that no one will be excluded from this decision, no matter what their rank. >> trevor: i'm, i'm sorry. i couldn't pay attention to what they were saying. what the schedule going on over there? ( laughter ) ( applause ) are these guys practicing for the playground? what is-- do we have the audio from those training videos? can we watch that again, please. >> whee! yippee! hey! green light! red light. >> green light. >> red light. >> hi-yada-yada. hiya! >> trevor: why are they breaking tiles with their heads? what is isis practicing for? you realize america uses guns. they're not going to attack with you kitchen floors. that's not going to happen. i don't understand, what the hell is this? because i don't know what that
training is suppose to be for, but i'm not gog lie-- this makes me feel good, people. year,un that isis is starting to lose when they're officially as scary as that panda discovering his first snowstorm. ( applause ) ( cheers ) now he's in guatanamo bay. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) performance... ...reimagined. style... ...reinvented. sophistication... ...redefined. introducing the all-new lexus rx and rx hybrid. agile handling. available 12.3-inch navigation screen and panorama glass roof. never has luxury been this expressive. this is the pursuit of perfection.
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. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." now, there's less than a week before the iowa caucuses, and on the democratic side, the race between hillary clinton, bernie sanders, and martin o'malley is neck and neck, and ankle, i think? ( laughter ) i don't know what 5% is. i don't know-- i don't know what that is. it all comes down to undecided voters so last night, cnn brought them together with the candidates who came out one by one to answer questions. it was sort of like a political
beauty pageant. you know "and now for the talent portion of the show, senator sanders performs "anaconda" by nicki minaj!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back. no, no. you know, let me point something outue only-- you only had to look at that for a new seconds. there is an artist in our graphics department. he had to stair at that all day, getting the shading just right. yeah. that's a real job, people. that's a real job. take that away. take that away. now, i find the town hall format interesting because unlike nay debate where candidates are in each other's faces, the town hall has each person on stage by themselves, more relaxed. it's like a rap battle against no one. but the good thing about the town hall is that it lets you learn more about the candidates. for instance, bernie sanders
spoke in detail about the income inequality and the social programs he would like to implement. and he spoke about his tax plan to raise taxes and we also got ton him better on a personal level. >> i was a very good athlete. i wouldn't say i was a great athlete. i was a pretty good basketball player. my elementary school in brooklyn won the borough championship. >> trevor: wow. yeah. bernie won a basketball championship. this was, obviously, before black people were allowed to play basketball, but still, but still. i can see it. i can see bernie. after bernie left they brought on martin o'malley to give everyone a chance to go to the bathroom. ( laughter ) which i really don't understand because i thought martin o'malley was sensible and discussed his solid record on gun scroll and he showed a lot of energy and yet, still, they insist on asking him questions like this. >> there is a 15% rule in a lot of these caucuses, so if you don't have 15% of the caucuses in that room, those men and
women have to go to awe different candidate. so if you don't have that and your followers now have to go to somewhere else, the people who support you, what is your suggestion to them? ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, come on, cnn! that's heartless. you don't ask him who he wants to win after he loses. ( laughter ) that's like someone asking you which of your friends can date your wife after she leaves you. "we'll stibl pals, right? i mean, it's better than her banging a stranger, right, i mean, come on, come on." and then, after that, came the headliner. hillary clinton. she hit everything from health care to her foreign policy experience to reproductive rights. although, i did have one critique. >> if this is the first time you really paid taingz, you go, "oh, my gosh! look at all of this." ( laughter ). >> trevor: look.
no, this isn't just for hillary. politicians, when you want to mimic craziness, make sure to keep your hands open when you wave. like, even republicans-- because if you-- if you-- ( laughter ) it just ends up looking like-- yeah. hands open. and you know, that moment wasn't nearly as awkward as when hillary took a question from a young man in the audience. >> there's a lot of young people like myself who are very passionate supporters of bernie sanders, and i just don't see the same enthusiasm frl younger people for you. in fact, i've heard from quite a few people my age that they think you're dishonest. but i'd like to hear from you on why you feel the enthusiasm isn't there. >> trevor: oh, no but really, tell us how you really feel. who the hell does this kid think he is. "yo, all my friends think you
suck. what do you say about that?" and what kind of question is that for a debate? you're standing right in front of the person. look, dude, i mean, if you want to bring it to hillary all the power to do but at least coyour homework, first. be specific. and by the way, you're chewing gum while you're asking that question. show some respect. and it's not even like i'm defending hillary, because she knows how to handle had type of thing herself. >> look, i've been around a long time. people have thrown all kinds of things at me and, you know, i can't keep up with it. i just keep going forward. but if you're new to politics, if it's the first time you've really paid attention. >> trevor: i love this. she's restrained, but you can feel on the inside she's taking her earrings off. ( laughter ) it's all in the subtext. and, luckily, here at the "the daily show," we had subtext closed captioning on. >> well, i think it really depends upon who you're seeing and talking to. but if you're new to politics, if it's the first time you've
really paid attention. you go, "oh, my gosh. why are they throwing all of that?" when i worked on health care back in '93, and '94-- and i don't even you were born then. i can't quite tell. but. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: and you know, the truth is, at the end of the day, other than a few oddball questions from the audience, it was pretty civilized. i'm not going to lie. this was a fantastic event to watch. the candidates knew what they were talkin talking about. they were respectful to each other. in fact, the only shocking thing that happened that night was-- ( laughter ) sorry, i had to show you again. we'll be right back. james drove his rav4 hybrid into the frozen wilderness. the scent of his jerky attracted a hungry wolfpack behind him. to survive, he had to remain fearless. he would hunt with them. and expand their territory. he'd form a bond with a wolf named accalia... ...become den mother
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is an activist for black lives matter. high also cofinded came zero to end police violence. please welcome deray mckesson! ( cheers and applause ) oh, thank you so much for being here, sir. >> good to be here. >> trevor: i have a little thing-- >> oh, i love it! >> trevor: i've seen you wearing that every day. >> that's a good vest. >> trevor: is it bulletproof? >> i can't give away the secret. >> that's a good color. i love it. >> trevor: i think i'm ready for this. i think i'm ready. oh, i look good. look at that. oh, that's nice. >> can't be vain in the vest.
can't be vain in the vest. >> trevor: have to be humble in the vest. how do i look in the vest? >> you look ready, you look ready. >> trevor: thank you so much for joining me. let's start right at the top. i have seep you everywhere. people have seen ow social media. people see you on tv, on the news. who is deray mckesson? let's start there. who is deray mckesson? and how did you get into what are you are doing now? >> i'm just one of many protesters in the movement who are focused on ending police violence, and making sure we press systems to be good for people. in terms of how i got here, i was sitting on my couch in august 2014. >> and saw the wars happening around the movement on twitter, and i literally got in my car and ended up in st. louis and joined the rest of the people out there fighting. >> trevor: wait, so you saw a thing on twitter and then you actually joined in physically. >> yeah, yeah. twitter is everything. i love twitter. >> trevor: you could have just been like hashtag honor black lives matter, and chilled at home. >> in the beginning it was
hashtag mike brown and ferguson. and we learned this hashtag a little bit later. but it was huge for everybody to mobilize. twitter has been a phenomenal platform to amplify of people of color and bringing people together. so it's good. >> trevor: what i found interesting about youristic you say you were sitting on the coach but you were a teacher. >> i was. >> trevor: and i feel like now you are still playing that role. you're trying to teach. a lot of time the message gets lost in the argument-- mack-white. what are you trying to teach people? >> the nirs eight months of the issue is how people understand the issue of police violence was closer than they thought. people understand yet understand there was a crisis across america, and it was the death of walter scott, sandra bland, freddie gray for people to get there is a crisis. the police have killed about 60 people so far in 2016 alone that we have to figure out how to do
something in policing and blackness is complex, the conversation with identity and all the other nooshz blackness we need to work on as well. >> trevor: here's what's difficult. a lot of times you bring upon black lives matter, and immediately, someone goes well, white lives matter. and mone someone else goes, alls matter. how do you respond to that? >> it's one of the more interesting distraction techniques we have seen when we talk about the movement. if you were at a breast cancer rally and someone ideal, "colon cancer matter." we're not saying colon cancer doesn't matter. >> trevor: just take a moment and think about how weird that guy is. carry on. >> we're not saying that other lives don't matter. what we are saying is there is something unique about the trauma that blam blackpeople have experienced in this country, especially around police, and we need to call that out. >> trevor: some people will say, yes, black people have more incidents with the police. but as far as i've seen on facebook, black people commit more crime and that's why black people face the police more and black people have higher rates
of criminality, and that's why they're in jail more. so i don't understand what your argument is. >> there is no correlation between community violence and police violence. the police will tell you they are where the crime is. and they're not around with the, right. >> trevor: oh! oh! ( cheers and applause ) oooh! oh, that was nice. >> but they're also not-- the data doesn't show that to be true. and the police are disproportionately violent in communities of color, whether there's any community violence there or not. and there have been phenomenal activists around the country working to end community violence. i think about people in chicago, baltimore, so many other cities where that is an issue that's present. >> trevor: you get people then saying, "okay, i see you. 60 people killed by the police. how many more people, black, are killed by other black people. why aren't you running around saying black lives matter to them?" >> we do believe all lives matter. the police are agents of the
state and they have the power to kill people and that is not the same thing as private citizens. when i say one issue is more important, what we are saying is we need to focus-- we are focusing on the issue of police violence because it's state-sanctioned violence, and we've seen those officers aren't even he held accountable in anyy at all, whereas there are many mechanisms to hold private citizens accountable. >> trevor: when looking at the police eye went to the web site-- >> campaign zero. >> trevor: yeah, campaign zero. you had 10 steps in combating or ending police violence and brutality toward plaque people. >> yeah. >> trevor: do people know about the 10 steps? have you told people about this? >> it is joincampaignzero.org. we're trying to help people-- it's a complex solution that ranges from independent investigators to body cameras, to making sure police union contract are fair, to also use of force policies to making sure they are transparent. it's a complex solution but we
wanted to map it all out so we can get to zero killings by the police. >> trevor: can white people also go to the web site or is that like-- no, a lot of times you see these conversations being had, and i know this personally, you get white people i don't know how to deal with this. sometimes they're afraid to become part of the conversation because they're afraid of the backlash of people saying you don't know what this is? are there other movements to encouraging people to get involved or is this something black people have to do on their own? >> this is a movement for everybody to figure out how they want to help. for white people this is-- we know when black people get free, when we end the oppression, it will open up space for so many other people as well. so people should feel themes as a part of the movement. >> trevor: you're wearing an apple watch and talking about oppression, and we're going to talk more about this if you're
watching this tofd, this is where it's going to end. but we're going to continue on the web and on the app. deray mckesson, everybody. deray mckesson, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) hundreds of crash simulations. thousands of hours of painstaking craftsmanship. and an infinite reserve of patience... ...to create a vehicle that looks,
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> you're 75 now. >> 74! >> you are 74 going on 75. ( cheers and applause ) you're close to 75. >> i'm going on 75. so are you! captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org larry: tonightn grand jury has cleared planned parenthood of wrongdoing in donating fetal tissue. carly fiorina couldn't be reached for comment from inside her ice palace. [laug