tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central February 10, 2016 2:40am-3:12am PST
>> larry: thanks to my panelists. rory albanese and mike yard and triumph the insult comic dog. we're almost out of time. tonight's question is from at 5280 until i die. they have lady gaga's national anthem or bay yaw beyonce's for. beyonce. she's done it before. she's with other people. lady gaga crushed it. i'm going with lady gaga. thanks a lot. >> larry: thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. goodnightly, everyone!
>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on twitter! megalomaniac and fashionable sun god, kanye west, has found a name for his album. tloe. -- tlop. abbreviation stands for will get tickets to his fashion show and a free pair of his $300 shoes. there hasn't been a rap sweepstakes this big since. sir mix-a-lot offered a tour of his butt factory to anyone who found the golden g-string. everyone loves free stuff, so, comedians, what do you think kanye's new album "t.l.o.p." stands for? what is he tweeting about today. give you your million dollars back, never divide the family man. is kanye west the greatest artist of the century. now they know. now they know. getting humble. next one. what else is in the feed here? michael jordan i love and respect you -- like he's really,
atoning for the stuff. he's a big person and admits when he's wrong. what else did he tweet today. bill cosby innocent. [laughing] what else was there. the lebron shoes unveiled. wait, what was the last one. what the [beep] is that! what are you doing! no, mr. west. no. no. no. now, at the taping of this show we don't -- it's early in the evening. we don't exactly what will happen or what he means. was his account hacked? is he more insane than we thought or exactly as insane as we thought or bill cosby drugged his time line. we don't know what happened. we don't know. comedians, you can never predict what the craziest man in show
business will be. what should he tweet to get out of this. carmen. >> would never tweet anything like. that my account was hacked by a dirty jew. [laughing] >> chris: brendon walsh. >> ya, sorry guys i have a lost finningers in my butt now. it makes me, it makes me tweet crazy stuff. lash hashfingerinthebootyassbitch. >> chris: doug benson. >> oj is my favorite fruit drink. [laughing] >> chris: i guess by the time this airs we will get a solution. check his feed and see who knows. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday! presented by monster d.n.a.! tonight's comedians are playing
for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, and the winning tag team partner will receive a pair of limited edition @midnight monster d.n.a. headphones! it's a thing, a cool thing. tonight's comedians are: performing at stand-up scottsdale in scottsdale, arizona, february 25 through the 28, it's carmen lynch. thank you for joining us. i see through the random icer you are playing for: @ameilazvre. @ameilazvre. >> cool. >> chris: from "the bone zone" podcast, performing at rooster t. feathers in sunnyvale, california, march 3 through the 6, it's brendon walsh. [cheers and applause] >> rooster t. feathers. chris: brendon today you're playing for: @traceyfromcali. >> i'm from there too. chris: that's traysy and cali
in the background. that would check out the name of her account. brendon y are you wearing a tux on the show. >> well, chris, i thought it would be good for me to get dressed up for my tenth appearance on "@midnight"! [cheers and applause] >> chris: no. it's actually your seventh time on the show. [laughing] >> i should of googled it. chris: or kept track you have of your life or something. >> chris: from "doug loves movies" podcast, live taping tomorrow at american comedy company in san diego, it's doug benson. [cheers and applause] >> chris: doug. you are playing for @greg the drunk. >> chris: by the way, doug, he's
celebrating his 27th appearance on the show today. >> ya. [ applause ] >> and another milestone this is the tenth time -- [laughing] >> chris: i don't -- all he said was tenth. we don't know what it was. >> it may not be worth celebrating. >> chris: what was the tenth time. >> is the tenth time on this show that i -- >> chris: you know, let him, he may not be worthy of a cake. i know you're excited. >> tenth time i've gone commando. >> chris: come on back out, randy. that's definitely worth it. >> sometimes you call me on laundry day. >> chris: alright.
ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." and now, the most algorithmically trending topics on the internet today. the first trend you wish to consume is: #fattuesday. gung hay fat tuesday, everyone! it's mardi gras in new orleans, from the french "mardi" meaning "drunk" and "gras" meaning "at noon." a favorite fat tuesday tradition is to get really intoxicated and hang out on floats and yell things at one another that usual involves dumping them out or [beep] [beep] but nowadays, you can't yell stuff like that because it's "politically incorrect" and "terribly sexist and awful." so, comedians, i have some shiny beads here. i want you to yell something considerate and positive. i will award you with beads. doug benson. >> throw me the beads i'll throw you the idol. >> chris: points. yes, brendon. >> hi, fat tuesday i'm fat
brendon. now see if you can throw those beads directly in my ass. [laughing] >> chris: that's pretty good. carmen. >> throw me some beads, i'll show you my dick. [laughing] >> chris: on to our next topic: wine owe grandpa. according to the family this 107-year-old spaniard. there he is. his son said and he his tpagt core drink 200 liters. that's 260 bottles a month. this man's teeth can sraeur phi righverifyright there. tph *g notice this is red wine. drinking white wine makes you a cathy lee. if you are going to say that's
red wine you're outside the demographic and need to go to bed. give us life advice from this wine owe grandpa. >> a love of people think your dick stops working when you get old. not me my dick has always had problems. [laughing] >> chris: carmen. >> on your 9' birthday have your eyes removed and replaced with leaky cran berries. >> chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh." and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." i'm sure i'm not the first person to tell you this but today is extraterrestrial culture kay. and there are a lot of them, too, like e.t., marvin the martian, alf, the tiny rambling creature who operates the body of john travolta, and, of course, all of the reptilians leaders currently serving in our
nation's government. here's to you, aliens! so, in honor of our friendly friends in the sky, tonight's hashtag is: #greetthealiensin5words. examples: "we're sorry about kim davis," "you guys can't park here ." begin. doug. >> is it independence day already? >> chris: points. brendon. >> x file auditions down the hall. >> chris: brendon. >> put your dicks away, sir. chris: points. carmen. >> we hate will smith too. chris: points. doug. >> does mars still need mom. chris: points. carmen. >> quick make your skin white. chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: nice, very nice. brendon. >> hey, what's up, guys. chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #greetthealiensin5words and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @genericwhiteboy.
well done! signed another generic white boy. i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear?
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "commercial failure: tokyo drift." oh, wow. american celebrities looking to cash-in on their fame will often head to japan to appear in bizarre tv commercials without having to worry about it devaluing their image back at home. but thanks to youtube, we can revisit these cash-grabs and happily devalue away!
i'm going to show you a japanese advertisement starring an american celebrity and for 250 points i want you to translate a line from the commercial. first up smile enthusiast, tommy lee jones. >> ( speaking japanese ) [laughing] >> chris: brendon. >> suffering from irrectile disfunction ask your doctor if a teenage japanese girl is right for you. [laughing] >> it worked. >> chris: next, how about this little number from nick cage? >> oh, hi. i'm nicolas cage, and this is a song for you. my favorite things. my favorite things blue jeans, sea and a red-hair girl sweet peanut butter.
>> chris: a little back story on. that he had no idea a commercial was being filmed at the time. went to his house and turned it into a commercial. brendon. >> if you have an erection that lasts more than four hours ask nicholas cage to play piano and sing to it. >> chris: sing to it? sing to your erection. carmen. >> have you wished billy joel had brain damage? [laughing] >> chris: god damn it. that is a fantastic joke. points, carmen. doug benson. >> throw me the beads, i'll show you my dick. >> chris: it took the beads. >> no more beads. chris: i don't have any that are out. [laughing] >> chris: next, how about this creepy encounter with madonna's
face. >> watch it throw tears on my pillow and if there is a christ >> madonna still dating younger men. [laughing] >> chris: points. carmen. >> madonna sex tape, peter doesn't want you to see. [laughing] >> chris: alright. points. >> chris: that's the end of "commercial failure: tokyo drift." time for our live challenge. we spent so much time on politics this year we have will he jected a fast set of the internet news cycle that deserves attention i'm talking about [beep] florida.
it's been a shameful 84 days since we talked about the meth-and-malt liquor-fueled antics of the dick-shaped state where no one cares if they live or die. well, today we bring you perhaps the most florida-y florida story of all time, a man who was arrested for throwing a live alligator through the window of a wendy's drive-thru. what possible reason could he have had for doing this besides running for mayor? of all florida. let's see what his parents think. >> you defiantly believe this was a prank? >> oh 100%, because he's a prankster. he does stuff like this because he thinks it's funny. >> chris: what a prankster! what a hilarious prankster.
tossing a apex -- remember that time he threw the bobcat into the kiddy wool. i'm guessing this fast food establishment has had its share of what-the-( bleep ) moments. comedians, as one of their drive-thru employees, what's a line that you might say to the next coked-up customer? we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] dear, why don't we switch to directv? now mother, we are settlers. i've settled for cable all my life. but directv has been number one in customer satisfaction over cable for 15 years. we find our satisfaction elsewhere. the boy has his stick and hoop. the girl - her faceless doll. and you have your cabbages. and you...have your foot stomping. i sure do. (vo) don't be a settler. get a $100 visa prepaid card when you switch to directv.
the story of a florida man who tossed a gator through the window of a drive-thru and asked you what else these employees have to deal with. let's see what you came up with. carmen, let's start with you. >> for the last time, carl, you can't walk through the drive-thru, get a car or come inside once you get pants. >> chris: brendon. >> by the power vestd in me by the state of florida i tpho *u w pronounce you mr. ands will kid rock. you may finger the waste resident. >> chris: doug benson. >> we just said see you later to an alligator. you'll have to come back in awhile crocodile. [cheers and applause] >> chris: how dare you all. how dare you all. this is what you want? by your will a thousand points to doug benson. 500 to brendon and 250 to carmen. we go to our next game.
"a spider named sue." "a spider named sue." a newly discovered species of tarantula, aphonopelma johnnycashi, was named after-- wait for it-- famous country spider johnny cash. there it is, actual size! both of them. why johnny cash? well, this tarantula is black and furry, and johnny cash was this tarantula is found in abundance near folsom state prison, and johnny cash records are found in abundance in conjugal visit trailers. comedians, i want you to give me as many spider songs as you can. examples might include "pretty flies for a white guy" or "stuck in the window with you." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. begin. brendon. >> dancing on the ceiling. chris: points. carmen. >> she has eggs. chris: doug. >> take this job and tough it. chris: points. brendon. >> eight legs a week. chris: points. doug. >> anything by chris brown
recluse. >> chris: carmen. >> you have lost that loving feeling in your right leg. >> chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of "a spider named sue." >> chris: carmen, i'm sorry you're in third place. you crush it did tonight. you played an amazing game. please come back soon. you have any final words before we release you? >> it was my first time. chris: yes. [cheers and applause] >> and i would love to come back. thank you, very much. >> chris: please do. red light, everyone. >> chris: that means it's time to chi or get off the potle. it's "for the win!" in an effort to earn back the public trust for feeding them mexican drano, chipotle ran a promotion yesterday offering free burritos to anyone who texted "raincheck" to a number they set up. raincheck makes you think the
diarrhea, why do that? the code was one number off from henry levine senior council at a washington d.c. law firm. levine's phone blew up like a chipotle customer's butt. with over a hundred texts from folks thinking they were getting "sorry about the diarrhea" coupons. most apologized, but a few were belligerent, like this one. corresponded, "where's my free burrito, bitch?" take it down a notch. jesse pinkman. this is -- this is hardly the response i would expect from someone demanding free intestinal poison. but to be honest, i'd love to see how this text battle continued to play out. so, comedians, how should mr. levine respond?
we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] smart to not mess up your tax refund. so we flew in super smart mathematician, maria chudnovsky, to help her. i have a lot of student loan debt. can i deduct my interest? can amy deduct her student loan interest? (in her case, yes. the amount goes right here.) in your case, yes. the amount goes right here. thanks. intuit turbo tax. taxes done smarter.
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clean. wipe, wipe. wipe. now, before we get into this i want to point out something very interesting. two guys who have been on the show the most probably doug benson and ron funches. they have the highest win counts. ron has the highest win count with 14 victories. doug benson 13 victories current ly a win today would thai them. then we're forced to bring them up for a ultimate match up. so i want to put that out there. see how it plays out. [ applause ] >> i hope i win. i hope i win. i hope i win. >> i feel good about my answer. [laughing] >> i think it's -- i feel pretty good about this. >> chris: before the break i told you about a dc lawyer pestered by folks commanding free buried owes. his number was one number offxd from a p