tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central February 11, 2016 2:40am-3:12am PST
( cheers and applause ) thanks to my pammists. a special thanks to marley dias for being here. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. it's from @cirkoolio. is that what it is. they ask: "you can silence one candidate for good, but their voice becomes your voice. ( bleep ). oh, my god. who do i choose i can't talk like trump forever. that would be horrible. who do i want to sound like? >> rubio? >> larry: all right, cruz. and then i'll talk like this for the rest of my life.
thanks for watching, don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. good nightly, everyone. i kept it 100! hand it to me! 9 and 59 seconds. this happened on funnyordie! the presidential campaign of of mego bobble stkupl -p donald trump has been a kind of year-long horror movie where the
closing shot will be america burning while trump scratches his balls on a yacht powered by his own racist farts. [cheers and applause] >> chris: no, that's a bad thing. a bad thing. [laughing] well, our friends at "funny or die" have taken this horror film and re-imagined it as a '80s movie of the week with their star-studded new production: "donald trump's the art of the deal: the movie with johnny depp as the donald!" take a look. [cheers and applause] >> based on his best selling book "art of the deal." nehe makes new york city his playground. >> 9:00 p.m. eastern, 8:00 p.m. mountain except where tonight's football game is being broadcasted. >> chris: my god, it's real. [ applause ] >>chris: fun fact: this gem was written by our head writer joe randazzo. ya, joe. put the camera on joe.
put it back on joe. take the attention, joe. we're watching you, joe. there he is. no, no, no. here he is his cameo as janitor. joe randazzo right there. comedians, if this becomes a trend, what's the title of a movie about another presidential candidate? andrew. >> hateful 8 or how ever many there are left. >> chris: ben roy. >> the jeb bush story. chris: andrew. >> how ted cruz got his groove back -- killing a prostitute. >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >>chris: welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have the cast of "those who can't," series premiere tomorrow night on trutv.
they're performing at comedy works in denver this weekend, it's andrew orvedahl, ben roy and adam cayton-holland. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i want to thank you all for showing up, as a reward i have prepared a show for you. let's do it. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here's a list of the most trendingest topics on the web today. first thing is taste the burn. last night's winter, bernie sanders -- [laughing] seen here trying to return glasses without a receipt. our favorite moment of the night. msnbc commentator referred to him the most delicious way possible. >> particularly closing message and railing against pharmaceutical companies, bernie
sandwich -- sanders. >> chris: bernie sandwich. climbing up the polls. the poor guy, he needs to have lunch. sandwich, i need a sandwich. i got to get out of here and get a sandwich. >> bernie sandwich would be crushing hillary. go by saopbd witch. >> chris: at this point in the presidential race i think a [beep] sandwich could do it it's right for everything going on. no reason that couldn't happen. comedians what is in a bernie sandwich? ben. >> hair. also no hair, all at the same time. peyote all served on a warm ill fitting suit. >> chris: points. andrew. >> first of all the bread is really old. more than a day. [ applause ] >> chris: right. >> a little bit of government cheese but enough in there to feed a unrealistic amount of people. >> chris: points . so glad we solved mystery.
welcome, chris hayes. the next topic. that's a first. a uncooperative man in handcuffs taken into british police custody. does he peon a cop or peon himself. >> i'm going both. chris: you can't make up rules like that. >> try peeing on a cop and not yourself at the same time. >> as a point. chris: this argument is airtight. in this case it's one or the other. >> i pull myself out of the race then. >> chris: correct answer is this. >> ten years, twenty years -- >> whoa. [laughing] >> a water fountain. chris: he's doing the morning wood tuck, clearly. >>chris: yes, that's notorious british gangster "machine gun r kelly."
the guy filming this arrest ad ledgely drunk, we don't know. he's british, babbling and peeing in the air, i would say drinking probably. what did the guy filming say. >> give him a shake. chris: "give him a shake." [ applause ] >> british hospitality. chris: you want to shake it so you don't get it on your pants. >> look how red faced the cop is. >> chris: yes. on to our next topic: "harry potter." is about to apparate into our lives july 31st. the book is actually the script of a play going up in london called "harry potter and the cursed child." it's set 19 years in the future, focusing on scarification enthusiast harry potter, his children, and the mystery of hi
reseeding. comedians, since we're about t get to know him as a dad. what would a dad say. >> don't drop the soap. they may put it in your -- >> what is the difference between a sentar is it coma anda comatwice. >> stay oust mom's top dresser drawer it's a chamber of secrets. >> chris: yes because that's where mommy keeps her special wand. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. [cheers and applause] from now till february 15th, mcdonalds is switching out the toys in their happy meals for books, accidentally ruining their decades-long streak of evil. but since the public is hungry for literature, tonight's hashtag is: #fastfoodbooks.
examples: "for whom the taco bell tolls" and "the portrait of the artist as a young cheeseburger". of 0 seconds, begins. >> chipolte misseray. >> orange is the new julius. chris: points. ben. >> mall diet on the western front. >> a tale of two [beep] chris: points. andrew. >> the talk of al jar. chris: yes. >> all the arby's horses. >> eat, pray, [beep]. chris: yes. andrew. >> animal farms. chris: points. >> fried and prejudice. >> i like. that. >> chris: adam. >> mine wrapped supreme. >>chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #fastfoodbooks and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @dadmeizlish. well done!
cheese in the shell. this is gonna be bigger than man buns. this is gonna be bigger than tinder. this is gonna be bigger than drones. what!? it's gonna be bigger than aliens. than aliens? it's gonna be bigger than james harden's beard. this is gonna be bigger than those things. it's gonna be bigger than football. ♪ real fútbol. the quesalupa. it's gonna be bigger than, everything. (laughing) people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures.
it was board-game night with the dalai lama. great guy. terrible player. ♪ go paperless ♪ don't stress, girl ♪ i got the discounts that you need ♪ it's a balancing act, but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. any words for the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. [ applause ] the what?! [ laughs ] "better ingredients. y better pizza." you better deliver. which is why i'm introducing our new papa's quality guarantee: love your pizza, or get another one, absolutely free. get any large pizza up to 5-toppings for just $9.99. online only. at papajohns.com
>>chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "hack to school." "hack to school." [cheers and applause] in "those who can't" our comedians play awful teachers, so we thought it would be fitting to show you some real life educators who are ruining young lives in a uniquely modern way: by making educational parody songs and putting them on
youtube. how could this go right? comedians, i'm going to show you a cringe-tastic scholastic spoof and for 250 points you're going to answer a question about it. first, this mathematical parody of "dark horse". ♪ are you ready for ♪ ready for ♪ a perfect square ♪ a perfect square ♪ so you want to play with numbers ♪ you see them coming at you with great force. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: what about the principal say when he caught him making the video at the office. >> ron, i wouldn't lie to you i would be less angry with you if you [beep] a student. >> chris: so good. >> a ron. chris: seems like a ron. ben. >> this is dan our geometry
teacher. he's demonstrating a molly sided triangle. >> chris: points. very good. next up this parody about dna. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> i like this. chris: how did this man celebrate when this video rocketed. >> undid the news and stepped off the office chair. >> chris: points. [ applause ] adam clayton-holland. >> i think he cloned his girlfriend and had a three. some. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> safe, no harm. chris: next up. you know we're not getting out of this without a frozen parody.
shut up and take it. here ♪ let it go ♪ let it go ♪ i will let my knowledge show ♪ let the test go on ♪ i'm so ready for this anyway >> chris: this guy here in the front. the first note hit and he was like, uhhh. it was like he was slapped with something. >>chris: what did their classes yell after they were shown this video? andrew. >> let us go, jesus. chris: yes, points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ben roy. >> these extra credit slash mobs are getting out of control. >> chris: adam clayton-holland. >> the only frozen is all your eggs. [ applause ]
>>chris: that's the end of "hack to school." >> chris: it is time for our live challenge. challenge, "we will all die like dogs." and here to introduce it is a very special guest: triumph the insult comic dog! [cheers and applause] >> chris: via internet satellite. thank you for being here, comic dawg take it away and tell us what you came to say. >> nice suit, chris. every time i see you wearing a suit you look like a the-year-old going to a boy scout leader's funeral. [laughing] >> chris: i'm outraged how dare you. >> chris, i love you. it's a nice change of pace after an hour of watching zombies
amble around the stars. -- a rabbit on cocaine yelling at me about what i just saw. [laughing] >> chris: you know i'm delighted you're insulting me. this is a again university career moment for me. >> well, it's even more fun for me hearing it on tape delay. [laughing] >> fantastic. chris: please give us a live challenge. >> as you know donald trump has our nations hoople heads -- he's popular in the dog community as well. there you are. donald trump is the candidate of choice for any species that eats squirrel and has to go out in their yard to take a (/ bleep/ . but the crazy thing is, he knows
nothing about us. us, dogs. take for example these trump tweets the huffington post put together: "glenn beck got fired like a dog by fox." -- he said he wanted me on the show. i said no. he's irrelevant. now one more. "obama called reverend wright his friend, counselor and great leader, then dumped him like a dog!" you see what's happening here? >> chris: yes, i see the pattern. >> dogs don't get dumped. they don't get dumped. donald is confusing dogs with the women he marries. >> chris: yes. [ applause ] >> anyways. it's surprising how popular he is among dogs considering how little he knows about us, but then again, he knows very little
-- most were bred to bark at people of color too. [laughing] >> so comedians. we bring this challenge to you. donald trump clearly doesn't know anything about us, please give me a trump speech pandering directly to dogs. >> chris: through go. the challenge is lead before you by tramp the insult dog. we will get your answers right after the break. we will be back with more "@midnight." [cheers and applause] 53 state wins, and t-mobile... whoa, whoa, whoa. listen, folks. i have to apologize, again. look, those were last years numbers. it says right here on the card. t-mobile doubled there lte coverage in the last year. and with more lte towers than verizon, t-mobile reaches pretty much everyone they do. i'm not taking responsibility on this one... uh-uh, verizon got it wrong... yes! not me!
join the millions that switched. i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear?
>>chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, triumph the insult comic dog showed you some donald trump tweets that prove knows little about canines. we asked for a pandering speech from donald trump to dogs. >> vote for me. at the worst it's 0.517294 years of your life. that's 7 divided by 4. >> chris: excellent math. >> as a dog i actually don't understand that one either. [laughing] > chris: wish there was a
way -- i think -- >> pay for a new scoreboard. chris: i think we have to round up to zero. >> round up to one point. chris: a point for ben. andrew. >> dogs, i'm just like you. i too have sex with my daughter. you can trust me. it's a trump joke. >> excuse me when people say he's going all the way that's what they're talking about. [laughing] >> i think that's 9.9. chris: okay nine points. >> ten points. chris: ten points. adam clayton-holland. >> if you elect me i promise you all dogs will go to heaven except for muslim dogs. >> ouch. that's inappropriate. a hundred points. >> chris: a hundred points. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: well stkupb. thank you, triumph. it's nex time for our next game "hidden talent ranch." cracked.com is one of those rare comedy websites that's actually funny. they recently posted a great article about celebrities with surprising hidden talents. for instance, did you know that willie nelson has a fifth-degree black belt in tae kwon do? or that jet ski champion vanilla ice is also a rapper? now you do! comedians, i'm going to show you a picture of a celebrity and i want you to tell me what their secret talent is. first up, skrillex. yes, andrew. >> works at claires bow teak at the mall. >>chris: next, channing tatum. >> jonas back hair. chris: next up the olsen twins. >> appearing at the end of a hallway when you ride the big wheel.
>> chris: points. >>chris: next, nicki minaj. >> [beep]. chris: points. [laughing] >>chris: next, ellen degeneres. >> huge ivory collection. chris: points. you wouldn't know it have to keep that secret. that's the end of "hidden talent ranch." ben roy, you are sadly in third place by a odd number because triumph gave out weird points. do you have anything to say before we release you. >> i'm sad. i'm sad. i played the game right. watch trutv starting tomorrow night. [cheers and applause] >> chris: bathe that man in a red light. there you go. >>chris: that means it's time to take some upper classes. it's "for the win!"
jonathan cheban is a wealthy man who is famous for wealthying around with the kardashians. according to a interview with newyou.com, cheban is taking a break from being seen at or near kim kardashian to open a school for the very rich. the international school of new york, located in trump tower because it's close to a hubris source, will teach privileged kids important things they need to know to get through life as privileged adults, like, quote, "private aviation, social media, quality of diamonds, and types of caviar." you know, stuff. comedians, i want you to give me the title of your graduate thesis from international school of new york. we will have our comedians answers and name a win tore help out the rich folks on "@midnight." 5-hour energy® presents... why are you so tired? that would be the sound of your alarm going off. unfortunately, your other alarm went off
every few hours throughout the night... which means you're going to be alarmingly tired at work today. listen, the truth is as a parent you'll never get enough sleep. but you can get this: a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you be bright eyed and bushy tailed, just like him. now is the time for 5-hour energy®.
come with your choice of soup or salad and a side of homestyle fries. order from over 15 different lunch combos for just 6, 7, or 8 bucks. ♪ got to get up if you want to get down ♪ smart to not mess up your tax refund. so we flew in super smart mathematician, maria chudnovsky, to help her. i have a lot of student loan debt. can i deduct my interest?
can amy deduct her student loan interest? (in her case, yes. the amount goes right here.) in your case, yes. the amount goes right here. thanks. intuit turbo tax. taxes done smarter. >>chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i told you about the international school of new york, a college for the rich by the rich, and i asked -- it's created by this man. i asked you guys to give me the
title of your graduate thesis. first one, first one ... profiles and courage. martin -- [laughing] >> he's not a good man. he's not a good person. >> chris: or poor people food or fuel. [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two. andrew overdahl. you have it correct this. is my fault. you're the funniest man for the next 23.5 hours. >>chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be kevin smith, matt mira and brian posehn. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #fastfoodbooks and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm chris hardwick. good night. well, kelly, these rendezvous have worked out pretty well. yes, they have, steve. so, uh, what do you think? is tonight the night? i don't know.