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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 16, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PST

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on vine today! the most super of all bowls went down last night, with the denver broncos upsetting the carolina panthers, and people on twitter went nuts. like my mom, for example. she tweete tweeted holy (bleep) (bleep)! i don't know what that is. it's my mother she loves sports and loves to swear. >> isn't a [beep] australian? chris: i don't know an animal. >> i think it would be. a kangaroo wao *ep l [beep] [be] >> chris: a special breed, a petting zoo plus. >> it's not allowed but it's allowed. if i happened to turn my back for a minute and someone [beep] kangaroo. i can't do anything about it.
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i don't know. [cheers and applause] broncos quarterback and forehead aficionado peyton manning decided to celebrate this anyway we would. with a little congratulatory kiss from sweat-drenched pizza baron papa john. there you go leaning in. my name is papa john my face is a big ball of cheese. mmm, i bet his neck tastes like garlic sauce. the best moment of the game was from eli manning it was this. here is how he reacted to his brother. no. [laughing] aww, that's the face of someone who just stopped being daddy's favorite. comedians, what's going through eli's head? nikki glaser, go. >> i want to know what love is. [laughing]
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>> chris: i wish that was true. kevin nealon, go. >> obviously he's thinking something seriously went wrong here. like the serum he put in his neck was suppose to go off -- he shouldn't of bet against the broncos. he doesn't understand what happened. >> chris: a miss fire. jim jefferies. >> i have been so busy maying football i never stopped to see how boring it is to watch. >> chris: perfect. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: well could the "@midnight" program. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are, host of "not safe with nikki glaser," series premiere tomorrow night at 10:30 on comedy central, it's nikki glaser. [cheers and applause] >> if you. chris: excited for your show. >> me too. >> chris: performing at helium comedy club in portland march 3rd through the 5th, check out thepleasermovie.com for info on his crowd-funded film, it's kevin nealon.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome, kevin nealon. >> thank you, chris. >> chris: taping his next stand-up special at the polk theater in nashville march 19th, it's jim jefferies. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. here's a list of the most trendingest topics on the web today. red lobster was stunned to find itself back in business for a few minutes this weekend after beyonce gave a shout out in her new song "formation." ♪ [beep] >> chris: in case you didn't catch that.
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>> chris: "when he (/ bleep/ ) e good, i take his ass to red lobster." [cheers and applause] >> chris: my question is where do you take him if he [beep] you poorly. >> joe's crab shack. chris: so roughly eight hours after the video dropped, red lobster chimed in with this tweet, and they might as well have hired jeb bush to do bmx tricks. "cheddar bey biscuits" has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" the a rope rate reaction. fans were, how you say? "the disappointed." "y'all had hours and this is what y'all come up with?" [laughing] >> chris: comedians now we know red lobster is post-coital what may you find there.
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>> that soup -- new england clam chowder. >> chris: kevin nealon. >> glory salt and chillean sea ass. you have to have the bibs with these. >> chris: nice, very messy. jefjim jefferies. >> two in the surf, one in the turf. >> chris: points. good answer. [ applause ] >> the turf would be the ass hole. >> chris: i think so, yes. yes. >> the surf would be the moist vaginal area. >> chris: i want a segment you come in and explain all of that with your arms folded. >> chris: on to our next topic, robo stahp. the swag bag at the oscars. worth more than what most people
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make in a year. including in there this year is a 15-day walking tour of japan. you can walk around with a asian fella all day and either way the car dashians do it a prize package worth 3 i $32,000. and there is an item that costs icosts$275. what is it. >> a blockbusters gift card. chris: i don't think that's the answer but you get points. >> they don't have gift cards anymore. >> chris: jim. >> personal meet and greet with a actual black person.
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>> chris: the answer is fricking toilet paper worth $275. unless you use it then it's amazing. on to our next topic, #chinesenewyear. while everyone was celebrating horses and panthers, we should have been celebrating monkeys, because it's officially the year of the monkey! >> monkey! chris: that's right. that's right. [ applause ] >> chris: thank you, michael. from the oscars david letterman hosted. everyone gave him [beep] but i thought he did a good job. one designer marked the holiday with a minimalist monkey poster, but it ended up looking like what? a.) a man puking on himself. b.) a baby flipping someone off. c.) butt sex. jim jefferies. >> a man puking on himself. chris: jim, i'm very disappointed in you. of all people.
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>> what. chris: when in doubt the answer is always butt sex. take a look. [cheers and applause] >> this is sort of a monkey if you draw a head around it. here is the monkey's ears, balls, dick shaft slamming into an a nus. that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. happy to tell you tomorrow night is the premiere of "not safe with nikki glaser" right here on comedy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes. nikki will investigate the many dirty secrets we all have with our work computer's incognito mode, so we want to help her usher in a new era of filthy
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television with tonight's hashtag: #nsfwshows. examples: "house of nards", there is kevin spacey's nards. "walking head" and "ass midnight." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. begin. jim jefferies. >> two broke girls, one cup. chris: points. >> king of queffs. >> family splatters. >> 69 minutes. >> are you harder than a fifth grader. [laughing] >> chris: so good. points. nikki, kevin. >> sponge bob sticky pants. chris: points. jim. >> inside amy schumer. you don't have to change that one. >> chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #nsfwshows and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us
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by @that'smywoobie. well done! this is a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small. this car doesn't care what you call it. ♪ okayit's chewy.his? really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint!
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when a day's work was mining for gold under the frozen ground for twelve straight hours. happy hour had a whole new meaning. and when the men sat down for their banquet, mister coors brought a beer worthy of the occasion. a beer that's still known as "the banquet beer." [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play 26 teen candidates.
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26 teen candidates. [cheers and applause] to help voters make up their minds before tuesday's new hampshire primary, both parties held debates last week, the highlight of which happened before the republicans even took the stage. >> chris: here we go. >> dr. ben carson. >> texas senator ted cruz. chris: he's just going to hang there. he's just hanging there. they already introduced him. it's shocking how long he just stays there. >> former florida governor jeb bush. >> chris: he has to walk around him. [laughing] >> chris: nice! a traffic jam not caused by chris christie! but if you think the presidential candidates are awkward now, just imagine what they were like as teenagers. luckily, the "independent journal review" posted a list of
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the candidates as teens. you a teenage pic of a candidate and for 250 points i want you to answer a question about them. first up, chris christie. there he is. >> oh, dear. chris: this guy is going to run for president. what was his senior quote? jim jefferies. >> i can't believe i ate the whole thing. >> chris: points. kevin nealon >> bigger things to come. chris: points. definitely. next one. hillary clinton. hillary clinton. there she is. >> alright. >> hello. chris: what club is she in there? nikki. >> 1015 club. chris: points. kevin nealon. >> the itty bitty titty committee. [ applause ] >> chris: now technically this next candidate dropped out, but the world needs to see this picture of rand paul dissecting a cat.
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there he is. clearly getting a boner about it. how did he ask out his prom date? jim. >> putting the cat back together. >> chris: points. kevin nealon. >> well, chris, what he did was sent her the picture and said you're next. [laughing] >> chris: points. nikki. >> well, i don't know how he asked her, then the cat said no. >> chris: points. i don't think -- that's not the only pusy i'm tearing up at prom. >> there you go. chris: what. next up what about marco rubio. not that different. not that different. what superlative did marco win? nikki. >> best locker room blow jobs. [laughing] >> chris: you know it.
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jim jefferies. >> least hispanic. chris: points. next up i think we have a tin type of bernie sanders here. the first olympics. what was the caption for this photo in the school newspaper? snicky. >> running like a girl before girls were allowed to run. >> chris: points. kevin. >> this is the first picture taken with a photograph machine. [laughing] >> chris: and finally, ted cruz was asked as a teen what he wanted to do with his life and he said this. >> take over the world. world domination. rule everything. rich, powerful. that sort of stuff. >> chris: who would have guessed that guy would suck someday! what did he say in his graduation speech?
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kefb. >> you won't have ted cruz the president of the ity bitty titty club to kick around anymore. >> chris: jim jefferies. >> my fellow canadiens ... chris: points. that brings us to the send of 26 teen an indicates. it's time for our live coverage super bowl sunday is an american tradition when we get together to consume beer and wings and then gather in the living room to watch a clown get blackout drunk in the hopes of (/ bleep/) a stranger. at least -- the show is not over now. at least according to this chicago craigslist ad posted by redditor nuckingfuts73. here's the ad: we're having a super bowl party and require a clown. you don't have to do anything except get drunk and be a clown. maybe someone will have sex with you after, no pay but you are encouraged to get blackout drunk. what could go wrong?
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i'm sure this got a lot of responses. so comedians, as one of the chicago area's hundreds of alcoholic clowns, please respond to this craigslist post. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with break and be right back with more @midnight! getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!-we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost. so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data. get three lines of unlimited data for fifty bucks each, and a fourth line on us.
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hurry, only at t-mobile. i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ and where are all the the gogods? ♪gone? ♪ ♪ where's the street-wise hercules ♪ ♪ to fight the rising odds? ♪ i need a hero ♪ i'm holding out for a hero ♪ 'til the morning light ♪ he's gotta be sure ♪ and it's gotta be soon ♪ and he's gotta be larger than life ♪ ♪ larger than life. sweetheart, don't look at me like that, it's gonna be amazing. this is a disaster! who's the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate? miss monroe, eat a snickers. why? you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut,
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morons.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a craigslist post inviting a clown to volunteer to get blackout drunk and maybe (/ bleep/ ) someone at a super bowl party and i asked you to respond to that posting as an interested alcoholic clown. let's see what you came up with. kevin, let's start with you. >> thank you, chris. would you be cool with a clown on a angel dust? hit me back at dusty the dust clown. [laughing] >> chris: everyone has to have a gimmick. every clown needs a gimmick. yours is angel dust. >> hi i'm nikki. i'm not technically a clown. i did wake up from blackout drunk with white stuff on my face so ... >> chris: jim. >> my name is donald trump. i do no not drink. i am a clown. i will [beep] every man, women and child in america.
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>> chris: a thousand points to jim. 500 to kevin and nikki. let's go to our next game. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for askreddit: sex ed edition. redditor mollymonkey101 posted this fascinating query in askreddit: "sex ed teachers of reddit: what is the stupidest question you've ever gotten?" among the avalanche of gems was this one: "it's fun right?" yes, but only if it's not with an alcoholic clown at a super bowl party. comedians, i want you to ask even dumber sex ed questions. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. jim. >> i have two girls, i don't have a cup, will a mug work. >> chris: points. nikki. >> how old are balls? chris: points. kevin. >> does it count as cheating if it's just oral and you're related. [laughing] >> chris: jim jefferies. >> my friend says woman can have
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orgasms is he gay or stupid. >> where in the bible does it say gees sus cool with the butt stuff. >> who wins. chris: points. kevin. >> how much blood should be in the ejaculate. [laughing] >> no, seriously. is is it more than a gallon is it bad? >> chris: less than a gallon is okay. points. >> chris: that's the end of askreddit: sex ed edition. i would measure the dumbest questions were not asked. i'm not going to eliminate anyone. it's monday i'm happy. so for the win we will go it. >> chris: that means it's time to speak ill of the dead, it's for the win! [cheers and applause] reports surfaced this weekend that twitter was considering changing its timeline to display
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more relevant tweets at the top of the stream. i know this will blow everyone's mind, but, twitter flipped it >> chris: [beep] impossible you say? the hashtag #riptwitter was trending with rage-tweets like this one: "if i wanted arbitrary editing of my thoughts i'd rejoin facebook or get married." [laughing] >> chris: thank you, creepy guy in camouflage. this is worst than when they changed the stars into hearts. just burn t burn it all. bring a fire on the earth so we may all be baptized into a existence of pain where we drink the blood of anyone who would dare try to make our free social networks more efficient. or we'll just live with it. [ applause ] now, there's no confirmation that this is actually happening or if it's even going to be a mandatory feature but, just in case twitter really is dead, i want you to give me a line from
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its eulogy. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] not the vast frozen plains. or a wall of mountains. nothing would get between him and what he was after. some called him obsessed. we call him mister coors. and the pure rocky mountain water he hunted down is still used to brew the beer that bears his name. coors. the banquet beer.
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♪ here's something to shout from the mountaintop.
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cricket's plans start at $35 a month, after $5 auto pay credit. with more 4g lte coverage nationwide than t-mobile or sprint. cricket wireless. something to smile about. kids, juicy fyeah.gum with starburst flavors? (mmm...) (mmm...) (zipper noise) (zipper noise) (baby rattle shaking) juicy fruit so sweet you can't help but chew. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. >> wipe it.
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i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i told you that the hashtag #riptwitter was trending and asked you to give me a line from twitter's eulogy. let's see what you came up with. first one, what can i say about twitter in 140 characters that hasn't been said. i have so much i want to talk about. when i first started twit [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. [laughing] >> chris: number two,. [inaudible] >> points. chris: safe to say. number three, alright i will miss being called a stank ass amy sheemer. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i think number three was it. number three i assume nikki glaser has won the internet. congratulations. you're the funniest person for the next 23 hours.
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that will carry you over to the premiere of your show. >> yes. >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be brendon walsh, carmen lynch and doug benson. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #nsfwshows and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. goodnight! the age of 13, i discovered just how amazing sex could be. let's show a clip. [ laughter ] no, not of that. that's disgusting. [ laughter ] i'm talking about this clip from the movie "fear." in the film, mark wahlberg murders reese witherspoon's dog. spoiler alert. but first he fingers her on a roller coaster. i know, right? this would make me forget about my dead dog, too. [ laughter ] watching this was the moment my vagina turned on. it was like, "yo, bitch, we ain't just for peeing no more." i was like, "okay, i hear ya." it was this scene that single-handedly made me the sexual being i am today, which is why, years later, i ended up here

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