tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 17, 2016 1:37am-2:11am PST
[ laughter ] any number they say feels wrong, and it's too easy for you to get in your head about it. like, 32? damn, that's half a school bus. [ laughter ] four? that's a jamaican bobsled team. 21? that's all the duggars. [ laughter ] including the creepy one. [ ding! ] look, i get it. deep down, we all want that new person we're dating to be like a virgin. but like a very experienced virgin, you know? like someone who chalks up amazing anal like, "hmm, beginner's luck." [ laughter ] but asking about their past is a bad idea. just look at this okcupid survey from 2005. all that blue -- those people said there is such a thing as too many partners. the red -- they're cool. they don't give a [bleep] [ laughter ] now, 10 years later, the redness is spreading. and for once, that's a good thing. [ laughter ] but until we all stop asking for
numbers, don't be ashamed of yours, 'cause whenever a guy asks for mine, i don't hide from it. i just tell them my number can drive a rental car at a senior discount. [ laughter ] good night, pervs. [ cheers and applause ] >> february 3rd, 2016, from comedy central world news headquarters in new york this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show" i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight comedian hannibal buress is joining us. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: but let's move on. last night we got so caught up in the iowa caucus we forgot to
celebrate, groundhog day. ya. also, what the hell is groundhog day. [laughing] >> trevor: people pull a rodent out of the ground. then ask the animal to predict the weather. you know, this is so unfair. because if africans were doing this [beep], and you heard that we pulled animals out of the ground -- i mean there are villages in africa where people wear animal skin. if i tried to explain americans used ground hog to predict the weather. they would be like, why not use satellite data. let's move on. last night we got so caught up in the iowa caucus we forgot to celebrate groundhog day. also what the hell is groundhog day. people pull a rodent out of the ground and ask the animal to predict the weather this. is so unfair. no, no. if africans were doing [beep]
like this and you heard we pulled animals oust ground. there are villages in africa where people wear animal skin. if i tried to explain americans used groundhogs to predict the weather. they would be like, you just told us that already. use the satellite data. [ applause ] [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> trevor: you guys are fun. you're fun. the iowa caucus. after watching so much of the iowa caucus coverage i'm beginning to think maybe, just maybe that groundhogs are better predicting the future than people. >> i think now donald strum is the odds favorite to win what waplt. >> bernie san sanders are nippit her heals. >> donald trump will win. >> he will win handily. . trevor: they're so wrong. saying, i'm wrong, wrong, wrong. so sure and unashamed. no wonder the media loves donald
trump. they are donald trump. no fact, opinion. this is our fault as people we have to admit it. no one can predict the future. these people here are doing the same thing as this person. [laughing] >> trevor: yes, because they're wearing a suit and tie on television we call them experts. >> if wapb wanda the magnifict told you who was winning the iowa caucus. you would be like, nice try wanda. i will find love in the new year? i get it. news son a 24 hour cycle you have to fill it and do something. you can at least make it interesting for the viewers. have accountability, keep score. >> i predicted marco rubio would win. >> i think trump is likely on the republican side. >> bernie sanders. >> hillary clinton and trump. >> clinton and cruz.
>> think trump will win it. >> the long shot marco rubio takes it. >> look at jeb bounce up into the top three or four. >> i think cruz is in third. >> i think bernie walks away with this. >> trevor: wow. you know that guy reminds me of, you seen those guy that's play basketball and miss every shot. they carry on like nothing is happening. ya, keep going. ya. nothing is happening. the whole time they're like, ya. i mean after all that had, if i was that guy would i totally get out of the prediction business. >> if there is an election year you can't predict everything this. is it. all bets are off. although there is one thing you can rely on. ted cruz being a dick. [laughing] >> ted cruz won iowa. now accusations of dirty politics. >> dr. ben carson accusing the cruz campaign of playing dirty tricks. >> ben carson slammed the cruz
campaign. spreading rumors that carson was dropping out. >> this is my favorite story of the week this. is crazy. on the day of the caucus in the middle of voting ben carson can decided to leave washington. ted cruz and his minions took it upon themselves to tell people carson was dropping out and they should vote for cruz. the problem was carson was not dropping out. he was doing this. >> the cnn report said carson was taking time off the trail. he was going home to get fresh clothes. [laughing] >> trevor: you know, we are going to get to ted cruz being a dick. for a second, can we acknowledge hour weird this is. the biggest night of the campaign, and ben carson decides to fly half way across the country to get fresh clothes. [laughing]
>> trevor: i have so many questions. does the midwest not have laundromats. can you not get fresh clothes in washington. is this something that ben carson does all the time. he's in the middle of surplg ry hand me -- oh, sorry. i have a little blood on my clothes. taxi. [laughing] >> trevor: laguardia airport, please. maybe. you know, what i'm being harsh. maybe ben carson meant fresh clothes like fresh clothes. maybe that was the thing. it was confusing. i can see him rapping now in west fill philadelphia born and raised. now every aspect of the campaign has a trump angle. >> donald trump in attack mode on twitter. accuses ted cruz of stealing of
iowa caucuses. >> donald trump. is twitter the forum to handle these discussions? ted cruz didn't win washington, he stole it. that is why the polles were so wrong and he got far more votes than anticipated. bad. i love that at the end. like as if we don't know what the tweet was about. bad. why not #it. bad. at this rate donald trump would be our first millennial president. texting dick pics -- >> mr. president, if you want to attack swipe left. no you swiped right. now we have to [beep] them. >> trevor: that's how war works on tinder. ben carson said he was cheated. trump says it's all about him. one again everyone hates cruz. >> last night when cnn posted a
news report that ben was not continuing onto new hampshire our political team forward it did to the members of our team. unfortunately they didn't forward the sequent story that was ben's campaign clarifying that, that he was continuing the campaign and not canceling the campaign. i apologize to ben for. that my respect and admiration for ben couldn't be higher. >> trevor: if this is what ted cruz does to friends no wonder he doesn't have friends. the slimiest people in the world. i know what i did, slime. i mean, at the end of the day i yes the truth is there are some things about the campaign you can predict. because now we know how the candidates will behave the rest of the campaign. trump will try to make it about himself.
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>> trevor: welcome back. we continue our coverage of black history month with a look at one of mower most powerful agents of change. porn. pornography. pornography drove innovation such as the printing press, the internet even snapchat. it's called history, children. look it up. in one area porn is sadly behind the times. roy wood jr. has more. >> after doing two pieces on race. one with the cops and then again marching with black people in washington, i'm relieved to be doing a piece on one of my favorite subjects.
porn, baby. i sat down with porn stars to discuss the latest trends in the sex industry. >> i work in the sex industry. i think there is racism. >> there is definitely racism in porn this. is the only business in the world where a female can say yes or no to a person just because of the color of their skin. >> here we go, another race piece. i just wanted to cover a piece about black people banging -frp. >> the majority of the girls don't do interracial. >> send roy out for the race pieces. you want to do a piece on porn? sure. by the way it's about black penises not allowed in white women. you okay with that. we booked you for it. >> there are trail blazers helping to break down the problems. like lisa anne. >> if you're a porn star you
shouldn't care what color it is. you should allow it with a black guy. >> does she ever. she attempts to change the tkeufpbtery one black man at a time. four black men at a time. oh, lord. that is a lot of dick. no matter how many black penises she shoves into her underground rail road lisa anne can't do anything to stop the way black men are portrayed. >> black men are portrayed as thugs and criminals. >> what are you black men doing in my house. >> black women are portrayed at extremely ghetto. the titles are racist themselves. >> the porn industry will take anything painful to black people and add titties. black lives matter. 12 inches of slave. they even remade "roots." >> you girls will get me killed here. >> anyone saying there isn't racism in porn needs to be
slapped the [beep] out of. >> this is who prince would like to slap the [beep] out of. marty klein, sex therapist. >> anyone who reads racism into pornography they're prejudice about sexual fat seize. >> these are titles. >> a black man banged my daughter in the ass. >> king kong's ding dong. >> it's a fantasy. >> so, if i saw a white woman and i said, you cracker bitch you got some big -- squeeze them. >> that would be racist. >> yes. >> if i had an erection it's fantasy in. >> it's a fantasy. it's like star wars. it's like star wars, it's not real. >> what is real is white women will demand more money to that i can that black bone. >> white girls ask for double, tribble, quadruple the amount for a inner racial scene.
>> this seems the only industry a white person can say i'm not workinworking with black people. you can't do that at a fast food spot who is cooking? stanley. oh, baby, you have to pay me time and a half to work with these negros. >> there are so many things white women are willing to do before interracial porn lisa had to make me a list. gang bang cream pie. i was left with fifteen commandments. i see prostitution before interracial. >> yes. >> what reason could a white woman give for prostitution over making a porn with a black guy. >> oh, my parents don't want me doing interracial. >> so the conversation is this. dadly. >> daddy, i did interracial. >> oh, you said you weren't going to do that? i don't have a problem with you
doing anal and double anal and triple penetration. you won't bring that son of a vagina into this home. family feud is coming on. i have to go. >> alright. >> okay. there is a race problem in porn. it's sad. porn has the power to touch us all and change how we see the world. there has to be a solution. in fact i have a dream that one day there will be a porn that welcomes every color. no stereotypes. get in there girl. where mexicans join in. they don't have lawn tools. they have college degrees. an indan and a cuban. no syrian refugees. oh, man. it's important. one bed, one race. everyone is getting it on. then porn legend ron jeremy comes in with hand placement an. no, don't need no help. this is the america i was
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why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? sorry... sorry... regerts? sorry, i was eating a milky way. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back. welcome back. my guest tonight a median who co stars in "broad sissy" returning late they are month. he has a new comedy for netflix. >> i thought this was a scenario of having children. just in case unlikely scenarios. i want to be prepared. >> if my lady has triplets we have to give one away.
[laughing] >> i refuse to keep three of the same baby, i can't. it's overwhelming. i'm open to having three children, not three of the same baby. i want to mix up a bit. what do i want three of a kind for. this isn't texas hold 'em this is real life. >> trevor: please welcome hannibal buress. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: hey. >> hey. trevor: what's up, hannibal. >> how you doing? trevor: good. you look good. healthy . >> i'm not healthy at. announcer: i have been trying to get healthy the last few years. i'm turning 3 p year. >> trevor: you serious? >> yes. no i'm not in good shape. >> trevor: halfy before birthday. p p is young. you look healthy. what do you mean you're not healthy. >> on sunday i laughed hard and my body cramped in three places.
and it was a cramp over here and two over here. so i was trying to stretch them out. they were on opposite sides. they were aggravating each other i was a sea saw of destruction, it was bad. sucks. >> trevor: cramping at thirty-two. road life? >> road life, irresponsibility, poor eating, drinking. everything. i need to take a daily vitamin probably. i need to get back off my ex-girlfriend. >> trevor: i like you have narrowed it down. >> yes. trevor: down to the key things. >> i know the things i have to do. i don't do them. >> trevor: that's everyone. health, life. you have to work out, eat well. you know the things we don't do them. you do comedy, man. you were in south africa recently. why were you fighting with the media. >> i wasn't fighting with the media. my south african show went horribly. [laughing]
>> shows go poorly sometimes. it sucks when you fly 15 hours for a show to suck. that was a long way to go to do poorly. [laughing] >> trevor: you know what is weird, it didn't suck. this was the strange thing. >> yes. trevor: some of the reporters in south africa didn't think you were a median. >> ya. trevor: not in a bad way. let me explain this. they thought that you, you were a man who speaks out against rape. because of the bill cosby thing. people were like, hannibal buress. the first thing that pops up is the thing. then they were like, oh he's into comedy now. [laughing] >> trevor: they thought you were doing a show. people coming to the show they were like we heard about this if i do. some people were there to watch you give a speech about -- [laughing] >> trevor: about quaaludes and stuff. get rid of those things on goggle. >> how do you do that?
trevor: write to google and say, no more. >> i don't. google, stop. that. >> trevor: that's how it works. "broad city, that's funny coming back again. saw you in "daddy's home." >> yes. trevor: are you going to run in a movie? no, you play like a chill. you are chilled out. are you ever -- you think you will be a guy switching over to action. >> i would love to. i think someone is waiting for an action movie but say he's too fat now. it's not time. let's wait. see if he can do it. i think there is an awful. it's not time yet. i want to do, i think i want to have my chris pratt transformation. everyone is like holy [beep], he's skinny now. [beep] >> trevor: let's talk about the special really quick. last time i met you, you talked
about touring. i don't want to release the special until it's ready. i want to have fun. now it's ready. >> it's funny. trevor: everyone is waiting. hannibal is that dude. you're that dude in comedy. >> i'm one of the dudes. i'm the top dude named hannibal. there is one other hannibal in comedy. he tried to open for me. i was like no, man. >> trevor: you met another hannibal. >> no, a guy named hannibal in the bay area. you seem like a nice guy, i'm not splitting the vote. >> trevor: who would you vote for? of the republican guys, a guy you remember m remained me of. >> ya, it's tough. [laughing] >> ya, i know i share the same politics with marco rubio. i get what you're saying. [laughing]
>> ya, man, ben carson looks too much like my dad. [laughing] >> it's weird when he says dumb stuff. also he talks like me a little bit sometimes. >> trevor: you notice it now. >> have i been watching him or is he watching me? what is going on here. >> trevor: hannibal, so much fun having you here, man. netflix on friday. and comedy central february 17th. hannibal buress, everybody. hannibal buress, everybody. [cheers and applause] getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!-we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost. so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data.
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in defense of all we hold dear back home. we're gonna setup this lie if you lie to me,t. your phone's gonna drop. ah! you would rather tell your parents how you lost your virginity... aww man. than drop your phone. noooo. oh my gahh... oh!... oh... (gasps) fortunately, that's not your phone. (laughs) if you had the droid turbo 2 you wouldn't have to worry about it at all. so, if i drop it from here, it's perfectly fine. this is the world's first shatterproof display. (phone smacking on granite) (phone smacking on granite) [cheers and applause] >> trevor: that's our show for today. here is your moment of zen. >> i don't know anyone