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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  February 18, 2016 1:37am-2:11am PST

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re's no more time-a! you have to drink the pee now! - agh, ahghgh! - come on, you have to drink all-a the pee! - you can do it, kyle! - ahghg! ahghghggh! - all right-a! now you can open the release-a valve. okay, so let's-a-- [helicopter blades thrumming] - hey, look! - stan! - all right, they finally came for us! - are you [bleep] kidding me? [cheering] - wait here a minute, stan. i'm going to call your mother. - guys! guys! oh, it's true! you all did survive! - aww, you lived? - oh, my god, you guys! i really thought i was the only non-minority on earth! how many of our species survived? - that wasn't a mayan apocalypse, you racist idiot!
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- it wasn't? so then you mean... we do have until 2012. well, it may be only three years, but i intend to live those precious years to the fullest! - will somebody just get me to a hospital? i need to get my stomach pumped! - aw, come on. it was just a little pee, kyle. - god damn it, don't you get it? i hate pee! i'm grossed out by pee! the only thing i find more disgusting than pee is bananas! - all right everyone, quick! here you go! - what's this? - you all need to eat your banana immediately! - what the hell for? - eat the banana, or we have to put you down! - aahghghghgh! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "daily show" with trevor noah. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the "daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. our guest tonight, our guest tonight from the new movie
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"zoolander 2", ben stiller, is here! ( cheers and applause ) , obut first, some breaking new. you may or may not remember the big climate summit which took place in paris last december, when the world's nations agreed to cut their carbon emissions before we'd have to explain to our grandchildren what ice was, and our grandchildren would be like, "we're so hot. why is it all gone?" and we'd say, "because we like going to the grocery store in a hummer. now, hush, and drink your pee." the most important part of the paris climate deal was the fact thaerch had to be on board, and everyone was on board, until yesterday. >> the supreme court has put want brakes on president obama's plan to fight climate change. the justices have temporarily blocked it from going into effect while the new rules are challenged in lower courts. >> it reached down to a lower court and said, "you, lower court, will prevent the e.p.a.
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from enforcing its own rules." that has never happened before. >> trevor: supreme court! what the ( bleep )! you're not going to let america keep its part of the deal? are you serious! because now you know that everyone else in the world is going to blow it off, too, everyone. like the french are probably going, "oh, you lighting up, america. well, two can play at that game." ( laughter ) the supreme court blocked obama's climate regulations before the case even reached them. and this is the first time, this is the first time that they've ever done this. and why? that's the big question. because now is not the time to be trying out new things, supreme court. you don't try something for the first time when it could be the last time. global warming could catastrophically change the world in just a few decades, and you might not care because you're not going to be around. i understand that. yeah, yeah. these guys might not even be around for season seven of "game
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of thrones." hell, they might not even make it through the credits. ( applause ) so i understand. but we're going to be here. and you know those movies where we're trying to save the world? well, with this kind of ruling, they're going to start look like this. >> shut it bomb down now! >> i can't, bruce willis, the supreme court has blocked the agency's authority. you need to file an injunction, and then a writ. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: this is-- this is, honestly, depressing, so depressing. so i guess, as usual, when we need a little emotional uplift, we know where to turn. pornography. ( laughter ) specifically, the largest porn site on the internet, pornhub.com, though many of you can probably get there by just typing "p" into your browser. ( cheers and applause ) so it turns out, in last few
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years, this-- this is insane. pornhub ha has been raising mony for good causes. and this week-- and this week, they announced an effort to help save the whales. ( laughter ) so what they do is they use your porn searches to get you involved in a cause, which is genius. it's genius! and i was thinking today, what if it turns out that this was pornhub's plan all along, a giant, charitable con. without realizing it, people are going to start getting turned on by social activism. it sneaks in. "hey, man, you hear about those endangered animals? it just makes me want to go to my room and do something!" and you may be thinking to yourself, "yeah, but, trevor, how effective can these campaigns be?" well, pornhub's arbor day campaign got enough views to plant over 15,000 trees. think of that. that means one day years if now,
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someone is going to be walking through the woods with his grandson and saying, "you know, timmy, your grandpa helped make this forest." so kudos to you, pornhub, kudos to you. but, you know, the sad thing is, instead of focusing on all these issues, all the attention these days is going to one thing-- donald trump. and jordan klepper, he went to foond out why. >> you've heard the news-- donald trump is on fire. >> donald trump, fresh off a landslide victory in new hampshire. >> his success has baffled the mainstream media, but it turns out that the secret to trump has been right under their noses the whole time. >> this is a circus unlike anything that we have seen in modern american politics. >> this is the greatest show on earth. >> greatest show on earth. >> now, if you want to understand the circus that is donald trump, don't ask these idiots. ask the guy with the sword down his throat. circus performer adam realman.
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>> people like the danger element of a circus and sideshow. you know, when a lion tamer sticks his head in a lion's mouth, tell me, you want to see the lion just chomp his head off. >> yeah. >> the audience, i think, always wants to know that this stuff is real, and it is real. >> we're watching a loaded gun on stage, and it could go off any moment and say, "mexicans are rapists." it could say anything. >> another so maybe he hasn't been to many trump events. but real man taught me that the greatest show must have a ringleader who can work a crowd. >> you gotta give them the pitch. you have to impress them you have to impress your crowd, exactly. >> the poll numbers. >> super hot. >> correct. >> i'm leading every poll nationwide. >> the best. >> yes. >> i make greet deals. >> look at this show. this is the greatest show on earth. ladies and gentlemen-- hey, let's bring out the snake charmer. we bring out the snake charmer. >> you you bring palin out.
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>> you betcha. >> it has to be something an audience will want to see. >> you had a good old time. you bought a hat. i want to see this freak again. >> you got it. >> this guy got it. trump really is the greatest show on earth, right, adam? >> well, by calling him "the greatest show on earth" you're kind of insulting a lot of the circus world. >> okay. regardless, i had to see trump up close to i headed to one of his rallies and do the got to hear from should diehard trumpeters. >> i think he's the only candidate on the republican side to build a wall. >> and hois going to pay for it? >> china. it is pretty easy to make china pay for it. china will be paying for the wall. >> shouldn't mexico pay for the wall? >> mexico, sorry. >> it doesn't matter. one of those countries is paying for the wall. donald trump is inaugurated, becomes president of the united states, what's behind the wall.
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>> isis. >> where should we bomb isis? >> probably israel area, not necessarily there, but around the area. >> see, i think he's going to help with the isis? >> what's he's going to do with the isis? >> he can't tell us right now. if he tells everybody, the next thing you know somebody will copy what he says. >> they knew their trump. once i was under the big top, we were all grooving to trump's power play list, which included "tiny dancer" like 8 ( bleep ) times. hee wasted no time shining the spotlight on himself,. >> it takes gus to run for president, believe me. we've been number one in the polls every single week. i've been on the cover of "time" magazine so much lately. when i was on last week, i didn't even know they were putting me on the cover. >> he made the audience recoil at the freak show. >> look at back there. look at the press. turn and around look at these people. look at them. >> he whipped the crowd into a frenzy with a high-wire act of
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political incorrectness. >> she said he's a pussy. that's fine. ( cheers and applause ) >> and then something strange happened. >> we're going to do something that's going to be-- no matter what you do, dwight eisenhower, i like ike. >> he started to meander. >> i just asked for tickets. i wanted tickets for the debate. >> first of all, it's in washington, d.c., right. >> people got bored. but then like any great showman, he pulled them back in with his greatest routine, a feat of xenophobic strength. >> hothe hell is going to pay for the wall. >> mexico! >> what? >> mexico! >> classic bit. trump had delivered. i laughed. i cried. i reinvigorated my irrational fear of foreigners. >> mexico. >> i even jockeyed for selfies with a couple of reality tv
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stars. >> donald, great show! great show! smile! smile! smile! hey! got it! a memory that will last for possibly four years. god help us all. >> trevor: jordan klepper, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (engine noises winding up)
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to the "daily show." i want to talk about something close to my heart. american fast food. growing up in south africa, that's what we dreamed up as children, to eat a big mac and end apartheid, in that order. ( laughter ) which is why it saddens me to say the state of american fast food not strong. >> $6, that's how much you'll pay for the former $5 foot-long deal at subway. the chain said it's increasing the price a dollar due to rising
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costs. >> chipotle's stock plunged. >> social media blowing up about mcdonald's mozzarella sticks. they don't have mozzarella in them. folks posting pictures of empty fried dough. ( laughter ). >> trevor: america, i'm so disappointed. and this is coming from someone who grew up going to pizza hut in an actual hut. ( laughter ) for more on this, we're joined by senior correspondent roy wood, jr., everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, african. ( laughter ) trevor, during my time on the road as a comedian, i've had lots of fast food, which is why i take it personally when i see something like this. >> you order lobster, you get lobster, right? not always. at red lobster, we tested the lobster bisque. the lobster in one sample was actually langostino. two others had a combination of langostino and lobster.
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this is a langostino, and it looks nothing like a lobster. ( laughter ) >> seriously, red lobster. this is how you going to do us, after all beyonce did for you? ( cheers and applause ) how dare you! she told us to go there after good sex. now what, i guess eelgo there are for fake lobster after a fake orgasm. look, beyonce only mentioned red lop lobster because she was trying to find a food cha rhymed with chopper. she could have just as easily said whopper. >> that makes sense, when he bleep me good, i take his ass for lobster. >> stay in your lane, trevor. look, man, this red lobster news is upsetting. but not all the fast foot news is bad. >> denny's' settle aid lawsuit with a black couple who said
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they were discriminated against when they claimed they were asked to pay for their food in advance. >> denny's' said the couple's order of $83 raised suspicions. >> a white customer testified he wasn't asked to pay before eating and said it was motivated by race. >> trevor: denny's' is discriminating against black people. that sounds like bad news, roy. >> you black people are unbelievable. you don't get to play the race card for $4 pancakes. we have to save those under police shootings. of course, denny's made you prepaid. of course, you prepaid. the food is trash. everybody should prepay for trash-ass food. denny's' ain't fine dining. there's no valet. it's a waffle house with carpet. you got tricked by carpet. what did you expect? "welcome to denny's sir." >> trevor: let me get this
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straight. so you're not mad at denny's? >> hell, no, denny's is the only restaurant i know who treated black people badly and apologized for it with money. that's called reparations. more than federal government has ever done. i bet the government called denny's and was like, "hey, could you put our name on the card, too?" we're sorry. >> trevor: roy, i'm so shocked that someone managed to spend $83 at a denny's. >> it is a mystery. but, you know, if that shocked you, just watch this. >> mcdonald's new salad has more calories than a big mac. the premium southwest salad with buttermilk crispy chicken has baby kale and baby spinach, but when you add the cheeses and ranch dressing, it is a whopping 710 calorie. >> trevor: what the ( bleep )! that is so heartless. what you think you're sacrificing, eating healthy and you get more fat from a saled
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add? >> i've been saying this for years! ronald mcdonald is a liar! he doesn't even hang out with vegetables. look at his squad. look what you got? you got purple dude, you got a burger thief. you got a bird. where's the tail, ronald? every time in my life i made a bad decision it's because a clown talked me into it. >> trevor: wait, what? >> the point is-- ( laughter ) you don't go to mcdonald to make healthy choices. it's mcdonald's. eating kale at mcdonald's is like reading at a strip club. ( applause ) i mean, honestly, trevor, you think you're being classy, but you're still going to come out smelling like wet meat and broken dreams. >> trevor: wow! i'm loving it! roy wood, jr., everybody. we'll be right back.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is an actor whose new film is called "zoolander 2". >> we should call the police. >> they'll never get here in time. >> what are you doing? >> how long can you hold your breath? >> what? >> take me from behind, derek, and grab me like yr life depend on it. not like this. like this! for safety and royalty. >> wait, what?
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>> trevor: please welcome ben stiller! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: oh! this is magic. >> thank you. >> trevor: this is you. >> it's nice to be here with you. and congratulations on your new job. >> trevor: thank you very much. i appreciate it, man. >> are you enjoying it? >> trevor: yeah, yeah, it's good. it's tiring but it's good. not as tiring as your schedule. i have seen you everywhere. you did an amazing catwalk thung in new york city. >> in sydney, we did it on the sydney harbor bridge, derek zoolander did the highest catwalk ever. >> trevor: you say it like it's not you. >> no, no, it was derek. and then derek and hansel were in the store window at valentino
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and rome as human mannequins. that's owen wilson and myself as derek and hansel. >> trevor: this was such an epic story. you know what i wonder. do you think there are countries out there that watch the movies -- because i've seen movies get dubbed into other languages -- and they think you're a real model. like, they could think this was a story of models doing their thing. >> probably in very underdeveloped countries. i can't imagine-- ( laughter ) anybody would actually think that. but, i mean, they might not get the layers eye don't know. who knows? >> trevor: do the models in the movie get the layers? >> there aren't really that many layers. >> trevor: when people come. you make a lot of fun of the models-- >> i think so. i don't think-- honestly, i don't think models and the male molds in particular, i don't think they take modeling that sleers. it's not something you view as a child and say, "i want to grow up to be a male model." right? right? >> trevor: now, everyone is
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like, ," of course, not. of course, not. of the. >> maybe you think i want to grow up to play a male mod nel a movie some day. it's kind of a crazy job, right? >> trevor: it seems like a crazy job. >> did you ever? >> trevor: dream of being a male model. >> i feel like you could have done that. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: actually-- no, no, you see. that's the mistake people make. i was always the funny best friend with the awkward face and then my face fixed itself at 22. i couldn't even get a date for prom. don't feel sorry for me. look where i am now. yes, sandy, yes. look who's here now. it's a totally different thing. i'm the funny guy. >> how did your face fix itself? >> trevor: i don't know. it just happens over time. and then you go, huh? >> that never happened for me. it never self-corrected. >> trevor: you've got that handsome comedy vibe going. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: to you ever think
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to yourself that you invented the selfie face? >> well, i was saying earlier derek existed before selfies existed. when we did the first "zoolander," literally there were no camera phones. so it kind of predated it. but i guess derek was made to take selfies. >> trevor: that's the face everyone calls it now-- they-- that was blue steel. >> right. derek had a look called fois gras. very similar. he's in litigation right now. >> trevor: oh, man. here's a quick thing i guess i wonder when i watch that clip of yourself with penelope cruz, who writes that into the script? like, who goes, "oh, and then ben stiller grapes penelope cruz from behind and holds on to her breasts." >> it wasn't harvier, i'll tell you that. but he did come to the set that day we were shooting. >> trevor: did he? >> yeah, we thought it would
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be-- me, yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: i was going to-- i was going to-- you shot the film in rome. >> yeah. >> trevor: you got to meet the pope. >> no, i didn't meet the pope. >> trevor: they said you met the pope. >> no, no, no, no. ( laughter ) >> trevor: now you sound like i rubbed a sore spot. >> no, no, we didn't meet the pope. but i got to meet the mayor of rome, which was cool. >> trevor: i don't even know who he is. >> he's actually a liver transplant surgeon. he's kind of like the italian ben carson. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i just picture a really slow, italian ben carson. "we shouldn't have had the past pap too much of the pasta." thank you so much. "zoolander 2" will be in theaters on friday. ben stiller, everybody! ben stiller, everybody! ( cheers and applause )
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introducing pizza hut's stuffed garlic knots pizza. an appetizer and pizza all in one, makes a night in feel like a night out. we just started on the appetizer! sixteen hand-rolled, cheese-stuffed garlic knot appetizers on a large one-topping pizza, just $12.99. only at pizza hut. when a day's work was mining for gold under the frozen ground for twelve straight hours. happy hour had a whole new meaning. and when the men sat down for their banquet, mister coors brought a beer worthy of the occasion. a beer that's still known as "the banquet beer."
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we broabout this new car. to get your honest opinion to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer.
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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i want to show you one more clip of mr. trump. >> if he gets the nomination he's going to sue his ( bleep ). knock the ( bleep ) out of isis. and you can tell them to dp ( bleep ) themselves. >> oh, my goodness. >> wow. >> larry: tonightly, rapper b.o.b goes on an anti-science twitter spree, claiming the earth is flat. as a result, he's currently polling third in the republican presidential race. ( laughter ) he is. makes sense. it makes sense. ( applause ) come on, the earth is flat. i'm not falling for this, especially after that time soulja boy tricked me into thinking a hadron wasn't a composite particle made of quarks! am

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