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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 16, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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gently. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on the "hollywood reporter." harrison ford has signed onto do a new "indan jones" movie coming in 2019. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ya. how did they get him to agree? did they pay him with the ark of the covenant. that would bye hi buy him a lotf second earns harrison ford will be reprising the role and, at 76 years old,
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he'll be the oldest action star till bernie sanders stars in "fast and furious 9: slow down, you kids, this is a residential neighborhood!" and its sequel: "tokyo drafty." >> he's harrier than that. chris: no, no. what should be the title of the next indiana jones adventure. >> you get off my temple of doom. >> chris: kulap. >> indiana jones at the brand new hip. >> chris: andy ritcher. >> indian jones and the god damn thermostat that someone keeps touching. >> chris: it's time to start@ "@midnight." damn it >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is "tag team tuesday." it's nice you support your fellow man.
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tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight we have three cast members from "bajillion dollar properties." the first two episodes premiere on seeso march 17. he plays baxter reynolds, it's drew tarver. [cheers and applause] >> chris: creator and executive producer, it's kulap vilaysack. [cheers and applause] >> chris: "bajillion" guest star, from "conan" on tbs, it's andy richter. >> chris: that was that? >> that was me coming out of conan o'brien. >> chris: actually coming out of conan? >> i'm from conan o'brien. chris: i demand the light burns my eyes. >> chris: you're playing for three lucky followers. drew you're playing for: danna
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you are playing for @memphisdfo. kulap you're playing for you are playing for @mr briman. andy ritcher you're playing for @leeloosmom. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] here are the most relevant items from andrew in cincinnati's browser history. first up -- some guy named andrew is gone a be like what the [beep]. first up is "pornocalypse." fappers beware: lawmakers in utah are coming down hard on coming hard by declaring porn a threat to public health. dozens of sworn non-masturbators in the utah house of reps passed
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a resolution calling porn a "public health crisis facing children and adults." face it, tons of horny-as-hell politicians who have to pretend they don't "filibust-a nut" to the most depraved ( bleep ) imaginable on a 30-times-daily basis. [ applause ] >> what does he have against convenience. good lord, compared to the steaming wheeze engine of my imagination porn gets it done. >> chris: ya. you know how logistically difficult it is to get a pizza guy to [beep] a lady live in your living room. so here's my solution: if porn is a public health crisis and people are never going to stop watching porn, why don't we make some pornos that encourage people to get healthy, like "two girls, one cup of flaxseed oil?" comedians, give me the name of a healthy porno. andy ritcher. >> omega 3 squirters.
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chris: well -- [laughing] >> chris: technically fish oil. [laughing] >> chris: i'm sorry. [laughing] >> it had to be said. chris: kulap. >> three dudes fill my whole foods. >> chris: points. points. drew. >> debbie does zumba. chris: points. and she has never felt better. >> no, yes. >> chris: next, "good boy." dogs aren't man's best friend, they're our obnoxious best friend who insists on constantly one-upping us. we get it, you're a good boy. one particularly gifted dog in indonesia has been getting some online buzz for what activity, beating kids at "dance dance revolution" or driving his owner around on a moped? andy ritcher. >> driving his owner around on a moe ped. >> chris: let's find out together. yes.
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[ applause ] >> yes. chris: they -- they died shortly after the video was taken. the dog took a hard right turn into the weeds chasing a squirrel. [laughing] >> chris: next up audio quiz. >> audio quiz. sometimes when you see something impressive, you can't help but blurt "ho, yeah!" what triggered this blurt, a take a listen. >> chris: alright, what is that? an insane scooter trick that you can't even, a grandmother drifting her wheelchair or a kid seeing cats having sex on the hood of a hummer? drew. >> c. hris: well, now while i know that's the answer we all hoped it would be. [laughing] >> please.
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>> please, please. chris: the correct answer is actually a. >> who cares. >> oh. >> wow. chris: i know. that is like -- that's the coolest trick ever performed on the lamest mode of transportation. it's like jumping 30 buses in a smart car. that's the end of "rapid refresh." and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." [cheers and applause] a big happy birthday to the internet's favorite supreme court justice and all-around bad-ass, ruth bader ginsburg, the only 80-something white woman capable of making people say "yasss queen" without actually being a queen. justice ginsburg, or as she's known on tumblr, "the notorious r.b.g.," looking here like she's
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about to judge a rap battle with is having such a sudden burst in popularity that they're making a movie about her life starring natalie portman. the only way tumblr could love if katy perry did the soundtrack and benedict cumberbatch played her gavel. so in honor of this biopic for a feminist icon, tonight's hashtag is #addawomanimproveamovie. examples: "beyonceé anything" ad "sarah jurassic parker." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. drew. >> the fempaoeur strikes back. chris: very good. >> batman versus superman versus leslie man. >> chris: points. [laughing] andy ritcher. >> the ex men clarks es. [laughing] >> chris: drew. >> fried green marissa tomatoes. chris: kulap. >> girlfriend, let's get drinks by the deadpool. >> midnight cowboy boots you can
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wear with a skirt. >> lawrence of alabia. chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #addawomanimproveamovie and tag is them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @pissedachios. well done! you're watching your go-to movie. which has that one scene you forgot about. so you use your go-to parental blocking device... which also happens to be your go-to snack. baked with real ingredients. no artificial flavors or colors. introducing good thins. your go-to good. if rigcascading caramel on cookie all night,e we'll be over here flowing caramel on cookie. wouldn't it be funny if they were all working late just because they thought we were working late? (all laughing) they're not that stupid. try both. pick a side. twix®.
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♪uh oh. oh. henry! oh my. good, you're good. back, back, back. (vo) according to kelley blue book, subaru has the highest resale value of any brand. again. you might find that comforting. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.
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the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon... then quickly fell back to earth landing on the roof of a dutch colonial. luckily geico recently helped the residents with homeowners insurance. they were able to get the roof repaired like new. they later sold the cow because they had all become lactose intolerant. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance.
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>> welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play realty bytes it's time to play "realty bites." real estate is a very competitive business, and nothing gives you the edge as a salesperson quite like a snazzy headshot where you look like you may or may not be having a stroke. comedians, i'm going to show you a bad real estate agent headshot and for 250 points i want you to tell me the slogan that would be on their bus stop bench ad. first up, this chill bro. andy. >> i'll let you put your dick on any furniture you want. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: kulap. >> mustache rides, whether you want them or not. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: every room he shows, this would be a charming den for a mustache ride.
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>> no, alright. chris: this garage has room for mustache rides. dry. >> not a pedophile since 1998. [laughing] >> chris: next, how about the infamous cummings team? there they are. here come -- what are you upset about? you're upset about something? what are you so upset about? something really -- >> i think -- image. >> my daddy cuts my hair. [laughing] >> chris: andy. >> that's right. the cummings team and it's not funny. >> chris: next, this bewitching lady. >> oh, man. >> that is claudia dupree, you
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will obey. >> chris: drew. >> i'll sell your house and your little dog too. [ applause ] >> chris: you're going to sell my dog as well. >> yes. if someone wants him or i'll take him. i'll eat him. >> chris: okay. [laughing] >> chris: kulap. >> i will find you a house you can die in. >> chris: points. >> look at me. chris: i sold this house nine times in the last three months. andy ritcher. >> i think you maybe the daughter you stol they stole fr. [laughing] [laughing] >> you've got my eyes.
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[laughing] >> i have your father's eyes right here. >> chris: next, here's curious christi. >> nice dick. [laughing] >> chris: it's a fixer upper. andy. >> even if you're only a tiny bit black i will be able to tell. [laughing] >> chris: also nice dick. >> oh nice dick. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "realty bites."
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it's time for our live challenge. smooth gooperator putting it out there again, shade. far too long. it's time, it's time. "goop" is the lifestyle blog run by pottery barn elf queen gwyneth paltrow, and it contains all the tips you need to live the same life as someone who's so white and out-of-touch they literally married coldplay. [laughing] >> chris: well -- well, paltrow recently managed to one-up herself when she posted the recipe for the super-healthy smoothie that she drinks every morning that only costs $200! all you need is a teaspoon of a rare parasitic fungus and a $55
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jar of something called "moon dust," which sounds like something smuggled to america by jabba the hutt. i feel like it's only a matter of time before gwyneth parlays her bloggery into her very own cooking show. so comedians, please give me an excerpt from gwyneth paltrow's cooking show for rich white people. >> chris: we'll get your answers after the break, and be right back with more @midnight! why am i a fan of applebee's fan favorites quesadilla burger? it's a burger... inside a quesadilla. genius. hot... melty... cheese. fresh... pico de gallo. woah. mind blown. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites.
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♪ ♪ we belong together ♪ we belong together ♪ yes we do (announcer) the best deserves the best.
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activate or upgrade now to the new samsung galaxy s7 edge and get 24 bonus gigs a year. on verizon, america's #1 network. its intelligent drive is msystems...ng. paradigm-shifting. its technology-filled cabin...jaw-dropping. its performance...breathtaking. its self-parking...and self-braking...show-stopping. the all-new glc. mercedes-benz resets the bar for the luxury suv. starting at $38,950. who's the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate? miss monroe, eat a snickers. why? you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut.
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[cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about gwyneth paltrow's recipe for a $200 smoothie and asked you to give me an excerpt from her out-of-touch cooking show for rich white people. let's hear what you came up with. to be clear my mother is a quarter native american. [laughing] >> chris: true story. drew tarver. >> today we're making braised panda. my daughter, apple, not the ingredients, loves it let it cook for 20 minutes. just enough time for anal bleaching. >> chris: alright. it is. kulap. >> first take a condor egg and crack it into your 24k solid gold bowl then take a manatee stake and cut it in half with a hope diamond. then set it all on fire because
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who cares -- >> chris: you morphed into that realtor from earlier. (sinister laugh). >> chris: i'm the real gwenith paltrow. andy ritcher. >> now you can make thai food like you would get at a restaurant. first step, buy a thai restaurant. >> chris: alright. >> chris: it's time for "conspiracy on the conspira-seas." it's spring break time, which means thousands of depraved college students will be filing onto cruise ships across the seven seas. but this year they may have to share the decks with another group of people who should be separated from society: conspiracy theorists! this is absolutely true. a conspiracy themed cruise. i'd literally rather be on a boat raided by somali pirates than this floating barge of gray ponytails.
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according to a report in jezebel, the "conspira-sea cruise," the first cruise exclusively for conspiracy theorists, took its maiden voyage in january with the stated goal of uncovering the "mind-blowing truth" about monsanto, bee colony collapse, autism, and of course why the cruise has a mysterious 30:1 male to female ratio, all while drinking double margaritas during '80s karaoke night on deck b. with issac. comedians, what are some things you might overhear on a conspiracy theory cruise? i'm putting 60 seconds on the begin. drew. >> chocolate tower 7 is down. i think it was an inside job. >> chris: points. andy. >> me, no i love back scenes. this pinna colada is full of them. >> maybe i did take a [beep] in the pool or maybe we all took a [beep] in the pool. >> chris: well -- [laughing] >> chris: i guess that would explain all the [beep] in the pool. drew. >> i wish my tummy was as flat as the earth.
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>> chris: points. kulap. >> i'm beginning to think all of the bodies of water are some how connected. >> chris: points. andy. >> i heard hans solo and indiana jones are the same guy. >> chris: drew. >> meet you at the grassy noel bar, we're taking shots. >> oh, drew. >> chris: that's the end of "conspiracy on the conspira-seas." i see, kulap, you're in third place and we have to eliminate you. >> i wonder if i could stay? chris: i don't feel like eliminating anyone tonight. [cheers and applause] >> chris: do you understand two nights in a row you didn't eliminate someone? ya, ya there is a cruise for you. >> chris: that means it's time to get dank. it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause] since it burst onto reddit in
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2011, scumbag steve has been one of the internet's most beloved memes. people use his image to embody the douchiest of douchebag behavior. for instance: "goes to your grandma's funeral, says she had a bangin' vagina." >> chris: it's been bangin like this since aut7. now, the man behind the meme, blake boston, has finally weighed in on the current election saying that "donald trump is one of the biggest scum bags around" this is a bigger political blow than when grumpy cat said she was making that face because ted cruz offered to help her lick her butthole. [ applause ] >> chris: now he's making that face, should we complete the picture? there it is. [laughing] >> chris: there it is. > comedians, now that we know that
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scumbag steve is politically active, i want you to create your own meme featuring an issue squire?! what beer may i fetch you, my lord? umm... i'll have a redd's apple ale. and perhaps a wrench. no. a wrench, a wrench. redd's apple ale. also in strawberry and green apple.
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kids, juicy fyeah.gum with starburst flavors? (mmm...) (mmm...) (zipper noise) (zipper noise) (baby rattle shaking) juicy fruit so sweet you can't help but chew. [engines revving] you can't have a hero,
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if you don't have a villain. the world needs villains [tires screeching] and villains need cars. ♪ you've got your go-to your go-to lay up. good thing you've got your go-to-snack. baked with real ingredients. no artificial flavors or colors. introducing good thins. your go-to good. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to at midnight. it's time for the win. i will read your answers allowed. audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, i showed you the beloved internet meme scumbag steve: "greatest accomplishment-- getting a d.u.i. on a go-kart." he recently weighed in on the current election, so i asked you to make your own scumbag steve political meme. let's see what you wrote. first one ... more funding for planned parenthood so my girlfriend will let me blast inside her. [cheers and applause] >> whoa. chris: two ... -- the glass ceiling so i can motor boat them kitties. [laughing] >> chris: or number three ... i drive a hybrid, i love chicks with dicks. [cheers and applause] sounded like number one. who was number one?
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drew tarver. [cheers and applause] we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be john early, seth morris and lauren lapkus. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #addawomanimproveamovie and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams, chrishardwick on snapchat. good night! - "this is not happening" is rated tvma. it's intended only for mature audiences. viewer discretion is advised. tonight's episode is called "bloodline" because it features true stories about family. - bubbale, you never come home for hanukkah. eema misses you. the family misses you. - how--this is just racism. - you have to eat a kugele. - you're not even jewish! that guy's not even jewish! - good shabbos, you. - this is straight racism! no, no, we're not using this. we're not using this one. uh-uh. [dark electronic music] ♪

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