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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 30, 2016 9:35am-10:12am PDT

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this is the daily show with trevor noah. (cheers and applause) welcome to the daily show, everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much. my guests tonight from broad city-- ilana glazer and abbi jacobson, everybody. (applause and cheering) but, uh, before we begin tonight, i just want to say farewell to peyton manning, one of the greatest quarterbacks in history. you know, he's the all-time leader in passing, touchdowns, quarterback wins and balls on a trainer's face. -(laughter) -allegedly! allegedly. allegedly. allegedly. and he announced today that he is retiring from the nfl after 18 years. yeah, um, apparently, he wants to spend more time -with his sponsors. um... -(laughter) he will be rich. i mean missed. -(applause and cheering) -go out, peyton.
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so from one man covered in orange to another, -i, uh... -(laughter, applause & cheering) i think we can, uh... we can all agree-- donald trump is the best thing to happen to politics. he, uh... no, no, no. hear me out. hear me out. 'cause there was a time when, for most people, watching primary debates was a chore. and, you know, and one of those chores that you don't have to do. -you know, like dusting the toilet. -(laughter) but now, thanks to trump, people are once again engaged in the democratic process, hoping, just hoping to catch moments like this. he referred to my hands. if they're small, something else must be small. i guarantee you, there's no problem. -i guarantee it. all right. -(laughter) that's right. that, that was a primetime presidential debate, where the frontrunner reassured the american public that he has a huge penis. (laughter) now, now, the thing that people don't really know is,
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it's actually someone else's huge penis, and trump just licenses his name on it. -uh... -(laughter) -that's... that's all that is. -(applause and cheering) but funny thing-- sometimes what happens when you're as perfectly endowed as donald trump is that the next morning, it's the other person who wakes up smiling and satisfied. woman: ted cruz waking up with new momentum in the republican presidential race this morning. woman: ted cruz prevails in both kansas and maine. woman: trump still the frontrunner, but after last night, you can see cruz is nipping at his heels. erasing some of trump's sizeable lead with two big wins. yes, so donald trump may have had a huge lead, but it turns out that cruz is a grower, not a shower. (laughter, applause) the, uh, senator from texas surprisingly beat trump in maine, and he crushed him in kansas. oh, and if you're wondering about, uh, rubio, well, he lost in a lot of places. but that was only because he got fewer votes. -(laughter) -and, uh, and besides, the weekend wasn't all bad news for little marco.
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in the island of puerto rico, i won 70% of the vote. -i won that primary. -(applause and cheering) (laughter) now you know... you know what's... you know what's funny, you know what's funny is, when i heard this, i was like, "wait. puerto rico can vote for president?" -(laughter) -and the answer is, not really. they're a territory, not a state. and come november, they get no votes in the general election at all. -yeah, but good job, marco rubio. -(laughter) you only have to go a few hundred miles offshore to find a place that wants you to be president. i like that. well done. now people... you may be wondering why are people like rubio-- who has won, so far, minnesota and an island who can't for vote for president-- and john kasich, who has won even less, staying in the race. it's a good question. why are they staying in the race? well, it's because of the republican's new brilliant strategy for stopping trump. in order to stop trump from collecting the number of delegates that would put him over the top and secure him the nomination, it's imperative that all the candidates that are in race now stay in the race at least until the convention
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so that he won't collect enough delegates, and they can be scattered among the candidates. i love this. -basically, they're praying for chaos. -(laughter) yeah, because if the republican establishment can just prevent trump from getting a majority of delegates before the july convention, then they can throw out all the primary votes and pick the nominee themselves. and this isn't a secret plan, either. they're fairly open about it. man: the rubio campaign's reportedly already drafted plans to overtake trump in a contested convention. you have kasich coming out today and saying that he sees a pathway for himself to the nomination. it's called being anointed at the convention. ah, democracy. (laughter) where every vote counts as long as that vote doesn't go against the people who actually control the party, in which case they will disregard your vote, replace it with their vote, and then, every vote will count. (laughter) democracy. (applause and cheering) -(laughter) -you know to...
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to intentionally throw your party into chaos means you're up against something you've never seen before. because donald trump is, well, they say it best. donald trump is a con artist. ...whose would make you embarrassed if your children repeated them. i think he's very divisive. he is trying to con people into giving him their vote. donald has been part of the corruption in washington. -no. -he's defrauded people out of things. donald has a tenuous relationship with the truth. i love how cruz is like, "trump's corrupt and embarrassing," and then at the end, he says, "oh, and he has a tenuous relationship with the truth." and you might be wondering, well, why doesn't cruz just call him a liar? you see, that's because cruz has trademarked that for himself. -(laughter) -so... all these more responsible candidates are saying that a trump presidency would be a total disaster for america, right? that's what they're saying. and they would do anything it takes to stop him... except the main thing. can you definitively say you will support
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the republican nominee even if that nominee is donald j. trump? senator rubio, yes or no? i'll support the republican nominee. -governor kasich, yes or no? -i will support whoever is the republican nominee for president. -senator cruz? -yes. because i gave my word that i would. trust ted cruz to grow a conscience at the worst possible time! -(laughter) -this is when we need you to go back on your word, ted cruz! this is when you can use your amorality for good! -(applause, whooping) -now you lie! now! i don't understand these guys. these men are standing on stage telling you that no one should ever vote for donald trump, and then the very next moment they all say that they would all support donald trump for president. and the big question is, oh, why would they do that? because at the beginning of the race, my friends, at the beginning of the race, there was a little pinky promise. a loyalty pledge the rnc is circulating to the party's presidential candidates.
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by signing on the dotted line, the field of 17 vows to back the eventual nominee... newsman: donald trump signed the republican national committee loyalty pledge. aah! rumpelstiltskin. (laughter) the republican loyalty pledge was like a purity ring for conservatives, where they promise to save themselves for mr. far right. now, you see, they made trump sign the pledge to support the eventual nominee no matter what, but they also signed it, too. and at the time, they thought it was to trick donald trump into supporting one of them, but now their plan has backfired. -(laughter) -it's like the old roadrunner cartoons. you know? and the republican establishment is like wile e. coyote. ♪ trump: bing-bing! bong-bong! bing-bing-bing! (laughter, applause)
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(whooping) can i just take a second to acknowledge how cool it is that we didn't have to put the words "bing-bing" into donald trump's mouth. -(laughter) -just a thought. so, ladies and gentlemen, the great debate: does donald trump have a small or large penis? -(laughter) -i got to say, personally, i think it's huge. after all, he's using it to (bleep) the entire republican party. we'll be right back. (cheering, applause)
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(cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome back. now there was one other big piece of election news over the weekend. dr. ben carson gave the prognosis on his own presidential campaign. he did all he could but in the end it couldn't be saved. >> and i'm hopeful that maybe some people now that i am leaving the campaign trail-- yeah. (laughter). >> trevor: its-- he condition
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even muster any energy when he's saying he's dropping out of the race. yeah. the guy sounds like he's deciding whether or not to have fries with his order. like, sir, do you want to make it a combo meal? yeah. are you sure, sir? you don't have to. >> yeah. >> trevor: he's like a human-- this is so fun. >> enough, enough. >> trevor: oh, it's roy wood, it's roy wood. (cheers and applause) is bhas' going on, man. >> what did i tell but ben carson, trevor? >> trevor: yeah, i know, roy. i know. that we shouldn't make fun of him because before he started acting crazy, his life was an inspiration to the black community. and he was our best shot at going black to black in the white house. >> yes. that's right. look. i know carson's presidential campaign was a joke but black people used to look up to him. on my 16th birthday my
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mother gave me his book. i still have it. >> trevor: oh, have you read it? >> i have skimmed it. but that's not the point. look, man, ben carson rose from a rough detroit neighborhood. >> trevor: where he tried to stab his friend. >> to become one of the world's most renowned surgeon. >> trevor: so a professional stabber. >> he told us where you come from doesn't have to determine where you're going. >> trevor: he also told us that egyptians put grain in the pir mit-- pyramids. >> okay, that was one time. >> trevor: he said obamacare was the worst thing since slavery. >> took, two times. >> trevor: the president isn't truly a black man. >> i get it ben carson said [bleep] but everybody said [bleep]. at least he was calm during his campaign. that chipped away at the angry black man certificate stereotype. >> trevor: because he was asleep the whole time. >> look, i'm with you. campaign was a disaster it completely overshadowed everything carson has accomplished that is why i am so sad. we just lost another black hero. first it was o.j., thens
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couldby, kayne barely keeping it together. (laughter) black people can't afford to lose heroes. we don't have that many. white people lose heroes and keep it moving. you think white people mission lance armstrong? (laughter) they don't miss that bike riding dude. as soon as he fell off, hey, mackel more, you up, it's your turn. >> trevor: come on, roy, that is not fair. that is not fair. there are many black heroes left. >> oh, who? who. what black people-- we down to oa-- obama an shonda rhimes. >> trevor: we haved golden state war warriors. >> they lost to the lakers they are dead to me. the poipt is the old ben carson is gone and is never coming back. the plan determines a proper good-bye. ben carson you may never again be welcome at a black barbershop, one thing is for sure, if i ever become a con joined twin, i want to you do the surgery. i will miss you, dr. ben carson.
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♪ every nap you take ♪ every bill you break ♪ ♪ i'll be missing you ♪ thinking of the day ♪ you desert all your book we read ♪ i'll be missing you oh yeah ♪ we'll be missing you (cheers and applause). >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everyone. we'll be right back. okay, what is this?
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it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts.
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and to connect us with thes twonderment of nature. with the tiger image, the saliva coming off and you got this turning. that's why i need this kind of resolution and computing power. being able to use a pen like this on the screen directly with the image, it just gives me a different relationship to it and i can't do that on my mac. this is brilliant for me.
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yeah, i was just talking uhabout yourico?... emergency roadside service and how it's available 24/7 and then our car overheated... what are the chances? can you send a tow truck please?
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uh, the location? you're not going to believe this but it's um... it's in a tree. i wish i was joking, mate, but it's literally stuck in a tree. (car horn honking) a chainsaw? no, no, all we really need is a tow truck. day or night, geico's emergency roadside service is there for you.
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>> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonights are the creators, writers and stars of comedy central's broad city. >> i need to you find and kill this rat bas tard. >> it's me. >> come in. >> oh my god, did you know that you can like swipe left on tinder and that means you're not into the guy. i thought you had to meet up with every. >> what is happening in here. >> the cat is out of the bag.
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>>-- was not easy to remove from the bodegga but i have a [bleep] and i need it back up. >> please welcome ilana glazer and abbi jacobson. (cheers and applause) welcome. >> thank you. thank you so much. thank you for being here. >> thank you for having us. >> trevor: you guys look really glammed up. >> glam squad. >> yeah, we look good. >> glam squad. >> trevor: first of all, can we start off the topment i love broad city so much it is one of the funniest shows i have ever seen. it's so-- i think a lot of the success has been the fact that it is so different. that you set out to make it different or are you just different? (laughter) that sounded neglect tifer and it wasn't negative. but you. >> i took it as positive. >> trevor: i was going. >> i took it as a compliment,
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jeez. >> i think what we set out to make this show, it was really just to make something. >> like it's funny, because coop, last week or two weeks ago, them switching, it's like so typical. so i don't think of it as different but i feel like we're doing classic stuff in our specific voice. you know what i mean? >> trevor: yeah. >> that was, you have seen that on every show or something. i don't know. >> trevor: not every shoavment the way you do what you do. i mean you have become leaders in comedy. a lot of people go what they are doing is changing culture, the way things are per received. for instance, before i watched your show i thought everyone had nice apartments in new york city. (laughter) like. >> you did. >> trevor: i'm not even joking. >> i see sex and the city and friends and these types of shows and i'm like wow, people living good. and then i bet if someone watched broad city in parts of africa they would be like oh, they are also suffering.
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>> listen, we're trying to change people's-- yeah, we're trying to make some change on the show. starting with the set. >> trying to make the set crappier on tv. it reflects real life. >> i think it can even be crappier. when we first made, in the original pilot, we were so upset that my bedroom wasn't smaller to reflect reality. >> and everybody was like it's gross to film in a smaller-- and by the end of the day you are feeling the camera guy's balls and you are alike i get it, i get it let's make it bigger. >> trevor: i like how you spefd the specific cameraman, like where is it, oh, yes, yes, the cameraman's balls. >> the camera just moves back. >> trevor: do you feel like, because there is something, i mean we're in comedy in different ways, obviously. but comedy umbrella and same net. >> the shows are pretty small. >> trevor: similar in what way? >> the camera elements. >> trevor: we have more than two. >> no two camera. >> trevor: in two camera.
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>> oh, sorry. sorry. >> trevor: that's not koosm you make me look dumb on tv. >> soree, it's your show, you're doing fine. >> trevor: so what is interesting to me, right-- is-- stop it, people, stop it what is interesting to me is how much-- is it pressure or is it just an accolade that has begun given when they go you are shifting cultures and more importantly for comedy, for women, you have this mantel that you have to look after. is that something that you feel or do you just make the show outside of that bubble? >> i think it's a little bit of both, especially going into this season. because we had a second to process people's reactions with the first two seasons. so there is definitely pressure as people, as creative people, as comedians, as women, as all of those things. but i think at the end of the day we're just like let's just huddle up and make what we think is funny. >> we have been talking about. this season was the hardest to
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right and the funnest to shoot. >> trevor: why was that? >> we've been talking about its alike the first season it was infancy. second season was like wendy's big kid meal, you are like nine. and third season was adolescence and we're like praying that the fourth season is more like, whatever, a more a duption-- adult version and we have this like brain, i don't know, it's so-- i think we were like more self-aware and abbi was saying, between season one and season two, we just went right into it. we didn't have any time off. this is like two months of like, of just like thinking. and it just made it so-- so much harder it was like,u gh, you know, pitching a joke, you're like i'm gross. i'm not funny. i don't know, it is just like-- . >> trevor: you don't pick up that at all because it seems like are you so confident. you don't picture self-doubt. >> there was an first episode that ilana and i have not shown anyone because it is all about a
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could be eller visit. they're going to the could be eller. they have to go and. >> it's just like not like the same thing but we were trying to get-- there was another episode we wrote, i mean six times. we wrote this episode six times. another episode, it was us literally written, i don't know what it is, every time wallace sean, we have literally written wallace sean into the show like six times and he's never fit finally made it because something happens. >> trevor: really. do you smoke weed when writing the show or is that shall-- no, no i just-- was that a part of just the show itself. >> we didn't-- okay, this is so bad. the first season i was smoking cigarettes in the stairwell, because i was like oh, god what are we doing what are we going do. >> and she would come back and reek and i what, nothing. >> hand sanitizer. >> i feel like the camera man was you complain about my balls, you complain about my balls. >> but then, but like no weed.
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and this year it would be like 12 hours of writing and sometimes i would in the eight to ten hour. and 10th hour and i'm probably the only one. >> it is definitely not a thing we do in the room. but i would look like i'm going to take a hit. and that was-- it's not like-- it was just like whatever. >> trevor: you know what i love about it, what i love about it is you are doing something raw, authentic, original, new, and are you getting people's to come on. i mean this season whoopi goldberg coming on as a guest. that's amazing. >> yes. >> trevor: you have hillary clinton coming on as a guest. hillary clinton. >> that's amazing. and then to top it all off, you have been renewed for two more seasons, even though you are in the third season. >> (cheers and applause). >> trevor: so huge fans. we'll keep on watching, broad city airs wednesday night at 10 p.m. on comedy central. ilana glazer and abbi jacobson, everybody. (cheers and applause) hey pal? you ready?
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can you pick me up at 6:30? ah... (boy) i'm here! i'm here! (cop) too late. i was gone for five minutes! ugh! move it. you're killing me. you know what, dad? i'm good. (dad) it may be quite a while before he's ready, but our subaru legacy will be waiting for him. (vo) the longest-lasting midsize sedan in its class. the twenty-sixteen subaru legacy. it's not just a sedan. it's a subaru. as a truck driver,ty. i had a lot of time to smoke. i also had severe shortness of breath and a smoker's cough. i knew i had to quit. so for six months, i used e-cigarettes. then i stopped. but the whole time i kept smoking regular cigarettes. right up until my lung collapsed. my tip is, just cutting down on cigarettes isn't enough. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now.
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if rigcascading caramel on cookie all night,e we'll be over here flowing caramel on cookie. wouldn't it be funny if they were all working late just because they thought we were working late? (all laughing) they're not that stupid. try both. pick a side. twix®.
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>> that's our show for tonight. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. theer is finally your moment of zen. zen. >> isn't politics
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welcome back to "hardball." i'm chris matthews. [ applause and cheers ] campaign 2004 rages on as former democratic front-runner howard dean finally calls it quits. two months ago, this guy was on top of the world. now he's out. i haven't seen someone blow it this badly since the red sox tried to get alex rodriguez. ha! [ laughter ] ha ha ha! seriously, folks, no matter who wins the democratic nomination, one issue that's sure to be debated is gay marriage. since the mayor of san francisco paved the way for same-sex couples to wed, there's been so many gay people lined up outside the courthouse, you'd think they were giving away free cher tickets.
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[ laughter ] is gay marriage much ado about nothing, or is this the first step towards adding richard simmons to mount rushmore? [ laughter ] joining us today, conservative activist, failed republican presidential candidate, and weird little troll doll gary bauer. nice to be here, chris. my pleasure. i loved you in "lord of the rings." also joining us, former comedian-- emphasis on the former-- rosie o'donnell. [ laughter and applause ] hiya, chris. you're a cutie patootie! [ laughter ] gary bauer, we're gonna start with you. why do you oppose gay marriage rights? chris, this is about the sanctity of the family. now, if we allow two men to marry each other, soon there could be a law allowing three men to get married or a law that allows one lesbian to marry three gay men and a beagle. and before you know it, the typical american family will look like a hot tub party at elton john's house.

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