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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 1, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds-- this happened on! i'm sad to report that early this morning, human party boat and former toronto mayor rob ford succumbed to being rob ford. tim horton's hung their flags at half-mast today in honor of the whatnot who once discussed cunnilingus skills at a press conference. one of the first to report this tragic loss to the canadian people and the comedy community was "the new york post" who delicately eulogized him with this headline: "guy who liked crack dies." [ applause ] >> chris: how thoughtful of you, new york post. first of all, rob ford didn't like crack-- he liked being -- he [beep] loved it
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rob ford loved crack. but he was so much more! he loved the spotlight and city hall and tumbling over fire hydrants after pounding enough pina coladas to poison a kodiak bear. he loved saying "( bleep )" around children and he loved rehab so much he went back several times. because rob ford loved everything in enormous quantities and he will genuinely be missed. we had a lot of fun with him, his shin an ganz were an easy target. but canada, you're about to get it back tenfold when trump turns the white house orange. phra *ut. >> chris: don't, it's so not funny . i will say this about rob ford. he refused to be anything but rob ford. to his family i would like to send my most heartfelt thoughts and hopes that you heal quickly. on behalf of everyone o
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"@midnight." party in peace, rob ford. party in peace. comedians, the new york posts had a different eulogy. it was up for just a minute. they tried to out rob ford, rob ford. give me a fitting headline. [beep] newspaper from hell. >> chris: well done. cameron esposito. >> break now, canada's best dancer. [ applause ] >> chris: rhea butcher. >> big guy doing big lines with the big guy upstairs. >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight." good knight, mr. ford. >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is "tag team tuesday!"
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[cheers and applause] tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight's comedians are: from "drunk history" on comedy central, performing at the mirage in las vegas april 2, it's jenny johnson. [cheers and applause] >> chris: her debut stand-up special "marriage material" premieres thursday on seeso, it's cameron esposito. [cheers and applause] >> chris: from "take my wife" coming this summer to seeso, her debut stand-up album on kill rock stars releases in august, it's rhea butcher. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's see who you are playing for. tag team tuesday. jenny, you are playing for @amycoffeeface. cameron, you are playing for @lena1376.
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rhea, you are playing for @maiqlez. >> come on. >> cultural appropriation of lesbian a debt tee. >> chris: there you go. [ applause ] >> chris: cameron esposito -- >> ya, i'm like the bouncer of lesbians right now. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's start the program. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] here's what's trending on the world wide web. first up is "web treats." the internet and easter have come together in a wild mess of hyperlinks and crucifixion to create a great new webby treat to rot our teeth in holy celebration. so, what do think this new snack is-- is it a grumpy cat chocolate bunny or poop emoji peep?
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>> chris: ery. >> poop emoji peep. it's the best emoji. >> chris: i think we would like to see that in peep form. i'm happy to announce that's exactly what it is. >> i know my [beep]. chris: you do know your [beep]. it accurately represents what peeps taste like. next, "hulkamania." hulk hogan took to twitter to celebrate his recent legal victory and $140 million lawsuit against gawker with this nuanced photo. right here. [ applause ] >> chris: now the tweet -- the tweet reads: "thank you god, i am grateful 'i am that i am.' only love, h.h." here he is giving a leg drop to the first amendment. if you look closely, you can almost see the steroids coursing through his veins. right here the jury ruled that
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gawker invaded his privacy and damaged his reputation by outing a racist bone in his body. comedians, $140 million is a lot of money for someone who wears $5 tank tops and smells lik sweat. what is the hulkster going to do with the money? >> pay everyone back for the t shirts he ruined. they were rented. >> chris: didn't care who he destroyed. is >> chris: next, "dock hogs." the oregon port city of astoria has been having trouble with some unwelcome guests. no, not portland hipsters! i'm talking a different bunch of slimy creatures with bad facial hair: sea lions! sea lions. i know you say ahhh now until 2500 are [beep]ing on your front lawn. they've been camping out on the
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city's docks, interfering with local businesses, and residents have had enough of these god-( damn obese fish-dogs. comedians, which of these things did port officials use to get rid of the sea lions-- a gun. inflatable waving neon tube men, or the music of kid rock? cameron esposito. >> listen, you and i know it's kid rock. i'm going to say it's inflatable tube men. >> chris: you're right it's inflatable tube men. [cheers and applause] (sea lions) >> chris: and this, my friends is why you will never see a sea lion at toyota thon. they will not go near a car dealership. >> it's a method of crowd control. it will work all over. >> everyone is going nuts at a trump rally and then like.
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>> chris: my god inflatable mexicans, run! [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh." and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." you must have been a good boy, a very, very good boy, yes you are, because tomorrow is puppy day! [cheers and applause] >> chris: really for puppy day? nice bark. let's all raise a pint of drool to man's best friend who sticks by our side even after we take away their balls! honestly we probably love them too much. creepily so. take a look. [laughing] >> chris: this dog has clearly set some boundaries.
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so to celebrate our storied love of pups, tonight's hashtag is #dogbooks. examples: "love in the time of collars" and "me bark pretty one day." i'm putting 60 seconds on th clock. begin. cameron. >> the collar purple. chris: points. jenny. >> james and the giant bitch. chris: points. rhea. >> dogenetcis by labordoodle ron hubbard. >> chris: rhea. >> bark fast at tiffany. chris: jen eve. >> clifford and the big red rocket. >> chris: cameron. >> ruff. chris: rhea. >> stretch 22. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #dogbooks and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @trickpatch. us by @trickpatch. well done!
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jack knocked over a candlestick, onto the shag carpeting... ...and his pants ignited into flames, causing him to stop, drop and roll. luckily jack recently had geico help him with renters insurance. because all his belongings went up in flames. jack got full replacement and now has new pants he ordered from banana republic. visit and see how affordable renters insurance can be. who don't have access thto basic banking,on people but that is changing. at temenos, with the microsoft cloud, we can enable a banker to travel to the most remote locations with nothing but a phone and a tablet. everywhere where there's a phone, you have a bank. now a person is able to start a business, and employ somebody for the first time. the microsoft cloud helped us to bring banking to ten million people in just two years. it's transforming our world.
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♪ ♪ give extra. get extra. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play, "what's your emergency?" as we've established time and time again here on our little program, whoever is in charge of selecting what stock photos are
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for sale is most likely very drunk. for instance, when you search for "phone call," most of the stock photos look like some kind of god-( bleep ) emergency. so comedians, i'm going to show you one such stock photo, and for 250 points i want you to give me a line from the accompanying 911 call. first up, this happy couple. this happy couple. cameron. >> hello 911, we're doing a "scar face" roll play i would like a realistic police raid. >> chris: they really are. [ applause ] rhea. >> ya, 911, my wife and i are stuck in the first two hours of a david o ' russel movie. >> chris: points. next up this work place accident here. rhea. >> ya 911, i have been promoted like ten times and i still make less than this guy. >> chris: points. points. jenny. >> hello, 911, i just bought oscars legs ob craigslist.
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>> chris: jenny, are you sure you didn't buy that on legslist. >> no. >> no. chris: guys, we can make fun of him he did a bad thing. >> chris: next up, these ( bleep ) clowns. >> hello, 911, we have been mooned. >> chris: points. yes, yes. >> it's red. chris: yes, i know. >> it's red. >> i get it. >> you get it. chris: that got to me more than i thought. next up this office pet. ery aeufrpblgts no i said flaming hot cheat-o. >> chris: points.
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cameron. >> our "scar face" roll play has gotten out of control. >> chris: i love that. finally this rotary phone us us. >> rhea. >> 911, we were just messing around. he got in the ha *d and he disother paerd. disappeared. >> chris: points. [ applause ] points. you better bring a war-ant. you laugh at so many puns! he's calling the cops they would have to bring a war-ant. [beep] you. you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong. [ applause ] >> no bunny gets you like i do. chris: thank you. you know you love me a hare more than they do.
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>> chris: that's the end of "what's your emergency?" it's time for the live challenge. i have a hairing story in the face of adversity. formally of one direction, currently of my dreams. he revealed he wasn't allowed to grow a bear in 1d. even though he wanted to this. is the worst thing that could happen to anyone ever. it's like being a perfectly manured eyebrow prison. how did he survive. i love you. i love you. a bear, bat wings or a bashed cat penis, hand sanitizer. it doesn't matter. you munchkin. now we know one direction was a
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fascist work camp. let's blow blow the lid off. i know you were all in one direction. i would like you to recount the hell you discovered in 1d, obviously the most her owing job in the world. in the world. stay with us we will get your getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever!
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get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!-we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost. so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data. get three lines of unlimited data for fifty bucks each, and a fourth line on us. hurry, only at t-mobile. my fellow americans... they say we're a nation divided. that's not true. we agree on a lot. like paul rudd. everybody loves paul rudd. i didn't know this was going to happen! you know what else everyone loves? emojis. no. beer! that's why we're forming the bud light party. just wait till you see our caucus. we've got the biggest caucus in the country! ooooeeeyyyyy! i'm really inspired right now. america has seen the light... and there's a bud in front of it! sfx: crowd cheers, fireworks ♪
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case in point: our handcrafted at skydiving chamber.lways down for more... refueling! be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ding! hot pockets!
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you that while zayn malik was in one direction he was not allowed to grow a beard. what it's not so [beep] hard.
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what, what? what? thank you for the bitchen beard comment. it is a bitchen beard. i can't figure out how long to keep it. [ applause ] >> it's kind of a thing to -- a panel of women. >> chris: yes. >> it's actually a hurtful thing to rub into a panel of women. [laughing] >> chris: a hundred points to rhea for that. you're right, writing what it was like to be in 1d. ery a let's start with you. >> well, it wasn't the best. it was a nice break from people telling me i look like justin bieber. >> chris: very good. very good. jenny johnson. >> giving hand jobs to all of those make it wish kids have me in the early stages of car pal tunnel syndrome. [laughing] >> chris: cameron. >> i wanted to go in the other
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direction but they were like no. we only go one direction. [cheers and applause] s >> chris: a thousand to cameron. 500 tory. >> allen: 250 to jenny. we go to the next game siri m.d. a recent study showed that a.i. microsoft's cortana really suck when it comes to answering serious medical questions. although, it should probably be no surprise that you shouldn't trust your health to the same program you use to find nearby mozzarella sticks and anime porn. comedians, what are some other questions you shouldn't trust to the little person in your phone. 60 seconds bean. rhea. >> why does niel degrass tyson want to take the joy out of everybody. >> what is the best way to sink my wife's period to my period. >> chris: points.
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aren't you just suppose toly your own hormones into her face or something. >> no, chris, not into her face. [laughing] >> chris: jenny. >> siri, how do i get one direction to give me a handjob. >> siri, what do i do with the o.j. knife. >> siri, where is the closest drive in or dive. >> do you think marco rubio has stopped crying yet. >> siri, where in the world is carmecarmen san diego. >> chris: jenny johnson, any last words you're in last place? >> i want to thank these lovely ladies and i think my period will sync. >> chris: it's with great pleasure i turn on the red
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light. that means it's time to come from the land down under, it's for the win. [cheers and applause] australia is known for its wide-open land, big blue skies, hemsworth brothers, people descended from english convicts, poisonous insects that will kill you in your sleep. but now they have one more bragging right: the world's first self-driving pizza delivery vehicle! [cheers and applause] kroeufp why's that dog so chill? there's a sentient, bioluminescent creature with laser night vision chasing innocent joggers, so-- kind of like any other animal in australia, i guess. according to lifehacker, this military-grade robot can travel up to three miles to deliver pizzas, assuming it doesn't get
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but now aussies can finally call up domino's and say "oi oi! give me two dingo pizzas with extra stingray venom and vegemite on the side." this is a momentous achievement what you will hear when you call up an australian dominoes. we will have your answer when we we will have your answer when we
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hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer?
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oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clan. wipe, wipe, wipe. this is maybe the most dramatic win ever. cameron and rhea are actually wife and wife. they're married. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so, there is a lot at stake here. [cheers and applause] >> chris: a lot. who ever wins this will not only be the funniest people but will have the alpha period in the relationship. >> that's right. >> also the one that files the divorce papers. >> chris: ery a said during the commercial break "i really want to beat my wife." [laughing] >> i want to beat my wife. chris: the only time it's
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acceptable to beat your wife is this particular scenario. >> right now. chris: i will read your answers allowed. the audience will decide the winner. you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, we showed you domino's australia's new self-driving pizza delivery robot and asked you to come up with one of their special promotions. let's see what you came up with. first one ... now serving crocodiles it's dun-dee-licious. [ applause ] >> chris: or ... if it dingo off your peas awe get $3 off at dominos. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: it sounds like number two was the winner. who is that? rhea! rhea butcher has beat he en herr wife. no! you and your partner have won internet.
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>> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be donald trump and bernie sanders! until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #dogbooks and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams, chrishardwick on snapchat. see you tomorrow, everyone. - here you go. get you a little beer. drink some beers. drink a little beer. hey, what's up, guys? just in time for some beer and a massage. - no, man. i don't like anybody touching my body unless they gonna touch the whole thing. - i'm talking about massaging my pig, in a very non-erotic way. don't try to [bleep] the pig. - we canceled parasailing through the majestic hawaiian skies to find you, and you're gonna massage your pig? - yes, but it's not just any pig. it's the world's first wagyu pig. i've been feeding this guy beer for a month and massaging him, sleeping near him, petting him, caressing him. - kind of looks like you've been letting him shit all over the beach too. - honestly, brendan, that's, like, the best part, 'cause guess what.


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