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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 12, 2016 9:16am-9:49am PDT

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(music plays from one way or another )♪♪ ♪ i'm gonna find y♪ i'm gonna getcha ♪ ♪ getcha getcha getcha ♪ one way or another ♪ ♪ i'm gonna win ya ♪ i'm gonna getcha ♪ ♪ getcha getcha getcha ♪ one way or another ♪ ♪ i'm gonna see ya ♪ (inhales cigarette) (cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much!
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welcome to "the nightly show." what great crowd! you're too kind! thank you so much! i love you, too! man, what a great show. waka flocka flame is on the panel tonight. (cheers and applause) i have to bring this up. here's the deal. many criticize hillary clinton for being too reserved, never showing her personal side. well, the other day she really let her guard down with the people of buffalo, displaying an amazing level of candor. >> a lot of great things happened to me here when i was your senator. i came at least 50 times. every chance i could get. (laughter) >> larry: hmm... (applause)
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now, i'm really excited to read those e-mails. (laughter) but not everything was orgasmic in the clinton world last week, so let's check in with the ongoing effort to denegrofy the white house! it's time for a special edition of the unblackening. ♪ oh, that was kind of cool. i like that, yeah... it seems hillary clinton's campaign for the presidency has been overshadowed by bill clinton's ongoing campaign to tank hillary clinton's campaign for the presidency. lemon me: >> don lemon: bill clinton was in philadelphia today, the former president, campaigning for his wife hillary. but the former president got into a heated exchange with "black lives matter" protesters who interrupted his speech. >> larry: no, bill! no! (laughter) when "black lives matter" interrupts, you're supposed to play dead... wait, no, that's bears. you're supposed to stop, drop and roll... no, wait, that's when you're on
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fire. just don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight... no, wait, that's -- i don't remember what that's for. okay. i'm not sure the proper etiquette for "black lives matter" protesters, but when your wife who is running for president is having issues with them, you probably shouldn't answer like this... >> bill clinton: i don't know how you would characterize the gang leaders who got 13-year-old kids hopped up on crack and sent them out into the street to murder other african-american children. maybe you thought they were good citizens. she didn't. she didn't. >> larry: (as raspy clinton) she didn't, she didn't. i like it when bill clinton's voice gets all bubba raspy. that's the bile coming up in his throat. (raspy) "how dare you confront me with the truth?" here's why this is so heated. back in 1994, bill clinton passed a crime bill that a lot of people in the black community feel led to the current state of mass incarceration of blacks.
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now, as first lady, hillary didn't vote on the bill, but she did stump for it, and she's still criticized for what she said in this speech. >> hillary in 1996: they are not just gangs of kids anymore. they are often the kinds of kids that are called "super-predators." no conscience, no empathy. >> larry: okay, a little context here. the term "super-predator" was all the rage in the '90s, like how white people had "the rachel" and black people had the high-top fade. you remember that? (laughter) (applause) yeah! exactly! yeah, yeah. and like the high-top fade, it turned out to be something that now brings a lot of shame 20 years later. in fact, here's john diiuilio the criminologist who coined the term "super-predator," backing away from how he characterized the supposed onslaught of teen crime. >> the super-predator idea was wrong. the predictions were off by a factor of four. that's about as far off as one could possibly get. >> larry: that's how wrong the idea of these super-predators
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was -- the person who created it wants nothing to do with it. he's ashamed of his creation, like dr. frankenstein or ted cruz's parents. (laughter) (applause) and by the way, hillary's got a lot of nerve characterizing black youth as super-predators when she's married to a super-predator. right? keep it 100, you guys! i mean, he spent the whole '80s and '90s super-predator-ing. so bill, in his efforts to be a horrible surrogate for hillary, went on to apologize for his "black lives matter" kerfuffle the only way he knows how -- by triangulating and strangulating the english language. >> bill clinton: so i did something yesterday in philadelphia. i almost want to apologize for it. >> larry: what?! "almost want to apologize"? okay, there are two types of apologies -- a heartfelt apology and a non-apology.
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but an "almost apology" is not a thing. commit! (as clinton) "i almost got you flowers 'cuz i almost love you." (laughter) even though that word-ninja apology felt a little bill clinton-y, this is a past-his-prime ninja who can still flick those throwing stars -- he just doesn't know who he's going to hit. and this election season, it always seems to be hillary's campaign. >> bill clinton: sometimes when i'm on a stage like this, i wish we weren't married, then i could say what i really think. we are all mixed race people. if you believe we've finally come to the point where we can put the awful legacy of the last eight years behind us... >> larry: awful legacy? you know your wife was the secretary of state for four of those "awful" years, right? bill, if you keep that up, you know what you will be saying in november, (as bill clinton) "well, honey, you were almost president. heck, i almost voted for you!
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(applause) i'm almost sorry you didn't win." (laughter) any more sabotaging words directed at the voting bloc that you desperately need for your wife to be president? >> bill clinton: you are defending the people who killed the lives you say matter. tell the truth. >> larry: hold on, mr. almost-apology-i-didn't-hav- sex-with-that-woman-that's-not- what-the-definition-of-is-is is asking us to tell the truth?! fine, here's an installment of "tell the truth with mike yard. >> mike: tell the truth! tell the truth! (cheers and applause) thanks, larry. tell the truth, bill clinton? here's the truth... this crime bill was a disaster! and yes, black folks supported a "up the on crime" stance. they didn't support a "send our
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children to prison forever" stance! tell the truth?! there were liberals in your own party who wanted more money for social programs to prevent criminal behavior, and racial equality in the criminal justice system. and to that you said, "naaaaaaaa! how about more jails?!" tell the truth? you saw an opportunity to get those reagan democrats, and you jumped at the bitch like it was the last hoverboard in target! (applause) yes. you had to show them you weren't soft on crime, aka "the black ones!" so you pushed for $10.8 billion for police, $9.9 billion for prisons and put 100,000 new cops out on the street. hey, but you did give us midnight basketball! just what we needed: our kids on dangerous crack-infested treats at midnight to play basketball! (clapping) bravo!! tell the truth?! and worth of all, this trial bill ruined my opportunity to play for the new york mets! >> larry: wait a minute, mike. (laughter) i don't think that's telling the truth. >> mike: yeah, you're right, larry. i just wanted to blame that
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(bleep) on him. >> larry: oh. >> mike: but you know what? clinton should just own up to the fact that his crime bill was a crime and keep it moving. and that's telling the truth. >> larry: mike yard, telling the truth. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) before it was honey in these honey nut cheerios, it was honey being collected. and honey getting made. and honey that was just beginning. that would be the sound of your alarm going off.? unfortunately, your other alarm went off every few hours throughout the night... which means you're going to be alarmingly tired at work today. listen, the truth is as a parent you'll never get enough sleep. but you can get this: a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you be bright eyed and bushy tailed,
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just like him. now is the time for 5-hour energy®. i would like three two is standard. i'm not standard. three weeks. ok. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. it was board-game night with the dalai lama.
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great guy. terrible player. ♪ go paperless ♪ don't stress, girl ♪ i got the discounts that you need ♪ it's a balancing act, but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. any words for the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. [ applause ] the what?! [ laughs ] an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: welcome back! with spring break wrapping up, wealthy people everywhere have taken their money on an international vacation! that's right, breaking news, everybody: wealthy people are scumbags! >> the so-called panama papers, that's what they're calling the millions of documents leaked from a panamanian law firm that ties from the most powerful people in the world to offshore tax havens. >> larry: ever since the panama papers were leaked, global leaders have been panicked. vladimir putin has been implicated. british leader david cameron has released his tax records, and the prime minister of iceland resigned quicker than the news outlets could figure out how to pronounce his name. let me give it a try -- "shia labeouf." hey! got it! (applause) >> larry: first try! so what impact will these panama papers have on global affairs? here with an in-depth look is "the nightly show" contributor
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grace parra. >> grace: hi! (cheers and applause) >> grace: i'm here in hollywood, where everyone's buzzing about this season's hottest documents: the panama papers! ♪ >> larry: okay, no, no, no -- this is isn't a story for celebrity gossip. >> grace: but larry, the panama papers are a who's who of international stars: pedro almodovar, sarah ferguson, simon cowell! >> larry: i don't care about simon cowell! >> grace: is the british producer's career as dead as "american idol"? (imitating seacrest) we'll find out... after the break! ♪ "nightly!" >> larry: grace! please put your leg down. i want to discuss the panama papers' global impact. i mean, they expose suspicious ties to vladimir putin. >> grace: that's right, larry. and they expose putin's long- awaited foray into hollywood action films.
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>> larry: grace, he's not trying to be an action star. >> grace: think about it, larry -- sexy tax evasion? rugged shirtless photos? mmm, mmm! i'd say this russian bad-boy is one more assassination away from the next expendables sequel! ♪ "nightly!" ♪ >> larry: stop it, enough! this is a serious issue. >> grace: yes, it's serious, but it's also dry! you can have serious and sexy, but not serious and dry. look, do you think people care about boring holding companies? or the fact that jackie chan has one? >> larry: (excited) wait... jackie chan was named in the panama papers? >> grace: yes, larry. it may be 11:30 in new york, but do you know what time it is for this kung fu fighting, definite-fist-and-possible-tax-d odger? >> larry: rush hour?
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>> grace: rush hour! ♪ "nightly!" >> larry: hey, that was sort of fun! >> grace: see? you can "nightly" even the most sad and boring stories. here, why don't you give it a try? >> larry: me? okay. the panama papers are tied to panama law firm mossack fonsaca. (awkwardly) is that a law firm or a new member of that one direction boy band? (laughter) "nightly!" -- how come i didn't get the "nightly!" song? >> grace: because that was steal a -- stale as (bleep). here, try a different story and give it a little bit of flirty attitude. >> larry: okay. (upbeat) look out, batman v. superman -- because this season's hottest clash is the violence between refugees and police at the greek-macedonian border.
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♪ ♪ ♪ "nightly!" "nightly!" >> larry: i got the sad "nightly!"! >> grace: larry, that was just depressing. >> larry: well, i'm sorry! you said i could "nightly!" any story! >> grace: i guess i was wrong. maybe tv's larry wilmore is stashing his "it" factor in an offshore account. >> larry: that's not true! grace parra, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
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♪ [basketball video game sounds] ♪ ♪
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♪ gatorade recover. protein and carbs for athletes. because the way you recover affects the way you play. are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream. they're magically delicious.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back! i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. (applause) "the nightly show" contributor robin thede. (applause) and he's currently touring, rapper, waka flocka flame. (applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the #tonightly. as we talked about earlier in the show, bill clinton was giving a speech last week and was interrupted by some "black lives matter" protesters.
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he got into it with them, sticking up for hillary over the 1994 crime bill saying, " you are defending the people who killed the lives you say matter. tell the truth. is bill clinton wrong? or did he just handle it poorly? >> well, a, he's wrong because "black lives matter" isn't about defending drug dealers, it's about not being shot by the police (applause) he was wrong that way. >> and did he handle it poorly? he handled it exactly how he intended on handling it because he came out hard. he was in the back pacing before he went out there. he was out there going i wish one of these "black lives matter" (bleep) would say something! ain't going to be no damn bernie sanders up in here! you say something to old bill, i'm going to give you the business! >> larry: i thought he kind of bernie mac-ed him. >> yeah, he did!
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(laughter) >> i think bill's choice is more complex than he thought it was going to be, more long term and affected people. i think it made sense for the time. >> larry: the actual crime bill. >> yeah. i think the law is for time. is it effective now? no, it hurts. we've seen what happened over time, it's way more complex. technically, i don't think bill is looking at it. he's looking at it like i'm back down and i need to support and help these people. but when the lady with "black lives matter," he should be an adult, not a mad man. >> larry: you mean angry, man? he was mad, you know what i mean? >> larry: yeah. (yelling) (laughter) (raspy yelling) >> i was, like, i can't do this. (laughter)
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>> do you think the attacks on hillary for this are fair? joe biden drafted it, bill clinton signed into law, bernie sanders voted for it, hillary is the only one of the people who didn't vote for it. >> she was the first lady at the time. i'm not saying she didn't stump for it, but kirstie alley endorsed trump on twitter. she's not an elected official, i'm not listening to her either. i'm not absolving her of responsibility, but i'm saying bernie sanders voted for it, bill clinton signed it into law. we need to hold the people accountable, 22 bloc democrats voted for it, too. everybody was looking for a solution at the time. (applause) they were looking for a solution! >> you don't get to hand somebody a gun and when they shoot somebody say, how is that my fault? >> we didn't give her a gun, we didn't elect her. >> she gave them the gun. she went out and promoted this bill. >> i don't feel nothing wrong
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with hillary. if i was to vote for anybody, it would be hillary. we had a president that was for the money, we had a president for the people, a black guy, this, let's see what a woman will go do. (applause) >> i'm not against a woman president, but not just any woman. >> larry: when you say that, sounds like -- i mean, she wasn't in office then. >> let's not act like she was sitting on the side when bill was talking about the crime bill, going, no, come on, bill, don't say that. no, she campaigned for that bill, she tried to change minds as far as that bill was concerned. so, yes, you have some responsibility in that, i'm sorry. >> larry: do you think any of this will hurt hillary in the general election? >> no. >> larry: you don't think it's going to have an effect? >> no, i don't. honestly, people can say whatever they want to about bill clinton but you backtrack two years now, the same people talking (bleep) about bill clinton probably will say that's the best president for black
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people! now people are saying it's the worst. >> larry: you're saying the voters are fickle. >> you don't know the truth because we're living in the present, we don't know what's going on. that's history. do you think they realized what was going on in history we read in books today? >> larry: the road to hell is paved with good intentions. the crime bill may have had good intentions. >> i'm not that forgiving. they probably had a different intention on bill. they probably dressed it up and made it sound good for him. >> larry: why do you think there was so much m my myopia wt passed? >> i am not defending the crime bill, but violence against women, it did more terrible things than good, hands down, 99% terrible things. what happened was the states took the federal law, mirrored and cop idea it in all the states and it became horrifically impactful for black
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and brown people and the number of black and brown people went up in prison by 60%. >> larry: so let's be tough on crime interpreters, let's lock up some (bleep). >> that's right, this is the thing that kills me, crack didn't just proud out in the tree in the neighborhood, okay? >> larry: what! it didn't just pop up. >> larry: are you telling me there are no crack trees? >> contrary to what you've heard, there is no crack trees. crack is flown in by airplanes from colombia, mexico, wherever they make it. we don't own the planes, i can't get credit. i don't own a plane. they were flown into distribution houses where they were sent out to our neighborhood to do whatever they set out to do. >> larry: that's thousand man does it. >> but the way this crime bill operated was to attack the result, not the cause to have -e cause of the drug problem, the people bringing it in.
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that's my problem (applause) and they targeted this drug to crack. who was selling crack? >> larry: last question, both republicans and democrats were complicit in this. so who do people vote for if they're upset. >> oh, please... i'm voting for waka flocka flame! >> larry: i like that! we'll be right back! i like that! (cheers and applause) >> if you live in the new york city area or are planning to visit, grab free tickets to "the nightly sho ♪ ♪ ♪ only those who dare drive the world forward. introducing the first-ever cadillac ct6.
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are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream. they're magically delicious. an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. well, i told you to bring a warmer jacket. when? every day since you could walk! now i just say it with my eyes like... folks, park ranger mark. -sup, bro? -hey, forest cop. you're taking up a lot of space.
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i'm going to need you to move a vehicle. todd, load the four-wheeler into the truck. flo: that's like bundling! 'cause progressive can bundle your boat, atv, and rv with your truck to save you money. don't talk to her. she has rabies. rabies was created by the government. look it up. [ flames whoosh ] [ gasps ] who are you people? yay, grandpa's still alive. i don't want to buy any cookies, little girl. tmom didn't want another dog. she said it's too much work. lulu's hair just floats. uhh help me! (doorbell) mom, check this out. wow. swiffer sweeper, and dusters. this is what i'm talking about. look at that. sticks to this better than it sticks to lulu. that's your hair lulu! mom, can we have another dog? (laughing) trap and lock up to 4x more dirt,
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dust and hair than the store brand stop cleaning. start swiffer ing ♪ no, you're not ♪ yogonna watch it! ♪tch it! ♪ ♪ we can't let you download on the goooooo! ♪ ♪ you'll just have to miss it! ♪ yeah, you'll just have to miss it! ♪ ♪ we can't let you download... uh, no thanks. i have x1 from xfinity so... don't fall for directv.
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xfinity lets you download your shows from anywhere. i used to like that song. (cheers and applause) >> larry: i'm here with waka flocka flame, and it's time for the game we like to call "keep it 100". tonight's question is from an audience member named deena. let's take a look. >> hey, larry. if you could no longer be black, what race would you choose to be? keep it 100. >> larry: that's hilarious, i think there is only two left, right? >> races? >> larry: yeah, there is three major races, is that it? what, you have a fourth? i don't know, i'll be caucasian and try my best to make america great again. that's what i'm going to do. (laughter) (applause) thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your keep it 100 questions on twitter. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> from comedy central's world ews headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. cheesier captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome to the daily show. thank you so much. you guys are amazing. we have an amazing guest tonight, jennifer hudson is here, everybody. finally, finally. but first, i want to talk quickly about airport security. now it's a miserable experience. old people had it good back if


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