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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 13, 2016 2:07am-2:38am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show." please, you're too kind. please have a seat. such a great audience. we've got a great show for you. quinta brunson is on the panel
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tonight. so guys, you know how i like to keep up with what's going on with the black community, right? it's true. i look to one show for all my black news-- "the o'reilly factor." >> with african-american youth you have a 59% unemployment. with people of prime age, it's much higher than-- >> but how are you going to get jobs for them? many of them are ill educated and have tattoos on their foreheads. >> larry: yes! what the ( bleep ) did you just-- just so you know, bill o'reilly, i'm one of those rare black people who don't have a forehead tattoo, but if i did, it would be this. hmmm. hmmmm. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers )
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yeah, that's right.eilly. now, please tweet me photos of your bill o'reilly forehead tattoo, and we may use them on the air. and this is for everyone-- black, white-- everyone with a forehead. if you have a forehead, you too, can tell bill o'reilly to go (bleep) himself. hashtag #foreheadsolidarity. okay, let's check in with the ongoing attempt to de-negrofy the white house. what's happening with the unblackening? ( applause ) all right, this weekend, the g.o.p. election moved to colorado, where things got a little, dare i say, rocky? a-ha-ha-ha-ha! sorry, i apologize. >> ted cruz wins in what's being called a voterless victory." >> ted cruz completed a clean sweep of colorado's 34 available
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delegates. >> colorado is one of just a few states that doesn't hold a republican primary or caucus. >> larry: colorado figured out a way to elect people without voting? man, legal pot really has made them lazy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right, so what were the insurmountable obstacles trump's ground game ran into? >> some of trump's delegates were hindered by misspellings and misnumbered paperwork that show trump's ground game may need some work. >> larry: if this election's going to hinge on spelling and numbers, i feel like trump's supporters are at a real disadvantage. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but something's going on in the trump campaign right now. you know, it feels as though the sight is turning. and even though he's still talking about winning, it sounds more like whining. >> i watch bernie. he wins, he wins. he keeps winning. winning, winning. and then i see he's got no chance. they always say he has no
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chance. why doesn't he have a chance? because the system is corrupt, and it's worse on the republican side. >> larry: extra, extra! system corrupt! system corrupt. says billionaire trying to buy election. system corrupt. wow, that actually looked pretty cool. so donald trump feels betrayed by a system he doesn't understand, but the truth of it is, he doesn't understand the system he didn't take the time to learn. >> state guidelines were put in place last year. and while they may be complicated, they were made public to every single campaign team. >> larry: yeah. the true art of the deal donald, is knowing what the (bleep) the deal is. the art of the deal. so now his campaign has gone after grandpa munster ted cruz with an ironic historical comparison. >> trump's convention manager, paul manaforte, who has taken a
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larger role within the campaign, is accusing the cruz campaign-- you'll not hear this often in politics-- of using "gestapo tactics." >> larry: oooh, going to the nazi well. well, you must be feeling threatened if you're playing the reich card. congratulations to ted cruz. only frontrunners get called nazis. i'll just saying. it's true. i don't remember anyone calling lincoln chafee a nazi. >> is it appropriate to use the word "gestapo"? >> well, it-- itis a word to define exactly the type of malice that is involved with going after some of these delegates in a very hostile and intimidating way. >> larry: okay, hold on a second. did she really just say that sneakily snagging 34 delegates is hitler-level aggression? all right, sick her, wolf! sick her! >> the gestapo, you know what they did during world war ii. you know they-- the millions of people, especially jews, who were murdered.
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>> yes. ( laughter ) >> larry: no! this is how surreal this campaign has gotten. a black woman is defending the use of the word gestapo to a man named wolf blitzer in her defense of a white man with a bad comb-over trying to ride a power in a way that could only be described as hitlerian. my head is going to explode. and not reading rules of an election runs in the family. >> just one last question. there are two new yorkers who won't be able to vote for you or ted cruz, ivanka and eric trump, unable to register because of the rules. are the rules in new york unfair as well? >> no. they had a long time to register, and they were, you know, unaware of the rules, and they didn't-- they didn't register in time. >> oops. ( laughter ) >> larry: oops. maybe they forgot to register. or maybe they just don't want to tell their father that they're secretly feeling the berrrrrn! ( cheers and applause ) it's hious.
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you know, cut them some slack. they've been running a campaign, and ivanka was having a baby. she didn't have time to think about voter registration. >> in order to be able to vote in the primary for my father donald j. trump, you need to be registered as a republican. i figured i'd explain how to do it, but don't worry. it's super simple. ( laughter ) >> larry: well, there's the problem right there. ivanka didn't make a youtube video telling herself to register. that wof solved it all. joining us now to discuss this is the man at the center of it all, donald trump. ( applause ) hi, donald. >> i am always happy to be on the show that puts me of the blacks. you're welcome. ( laughter ) >> larry: that's a horrible way to start an interview. so what's with your kids not registering to vote? >> lay off, okay< the absolutely foxy ivanka.
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have you seen her lately. she's so hot. my daughter, she's busy giving birth to her brand-new jew baby. as for eric, what can i say? he's an idiot. ( laughter ) >> larry: so you've been complaining about a rigged system. are you a victim here? >> excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. i am not a victim. ted cruz, i call him liin ted. ted cruz cheated, and i'm not talking about his awful marriage. seriously, it's awful. everybody knows that. i lost to a guy with zero votes. i'm a victim here, okay. >> larry: you just contradicted yourself. >> no, i didn't. all i'm saying is, look, i'm great at following rules, the best, really. i mean, larry, you have to know
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how to follow the rules, like when you're playing black mow noply. >> larry: black what?? >> black monopoly, where marvin gardens is a basketball court and the jail the jail is always full. >> larry: okay, there's no such thing as black monopoly! >> well, there should be. it's a great idea. >> larry: another it's not. as far as this gestapo comment how can you compare losing 34 delegates to the nazis? excuse me my daughter just gave me a fresh new jew grandkid. don't lecture me about the nazis. i'm disappointed in you, larry to be honest. you seem respectable. you don't seem like the kind who would cut in line at the forehead tattoo parlor, okay. >> larry: i don't have a forehead tattoo! >> i know you use make-up to cover it up, like obama. >> larry: obama? >> he's covering up his tattoos
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like he's covering up benghazi. it's obvious. >> larry: you're not making any sense. but let me ask you this. does it feel like this nomination is slipping away from you? >> excuse me, excuse me larry. nothing is slipping. look at these hands. they're still big. hugely big. my huge hands. i'm telling you, these crooks aren't going to win. crooks only win in horseshoes and black monopoly. >> larry: that analogy makes no sense! >> no, larry. you know what makes no sense? obama. now i have to go see ivanka. she has beautiful breasts. we all know that okay. but now they're huge. >> larry: another you don't have to finish that. donald trump, everybody. we'll be right back. you're talking about your daughter! thank you for dining with us. hope to see you again soon. whoa, whoa, i got this. just gotta get the check. almost there.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. the world of social media helps to connect us all, but sometimes it can do just as much to divide us. here to catch us up on the latest twitter outrage is "nightly show" contributor franchesca ramsey with another installment of "hash it out." ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks, larry. this week i want to shed light on a serious issue plaguing our daily lives online-- false equivalencies. believe me, they're everywhere. just last week, twitter exploded when sports journalist bomani jones showed up to espn rocking a caucasian shirt. hysterical, right? well, a bunch of people didn't seem to think so. take a look at these tweets. "racists gonna racist, #espn to bomani jones, please cover up caucasian shirt." "bomani jones' caucasian shirt was racist, and it intended to be. he must be suspended now." no, his shirt was satirical, and it intended to be. you must be embarrassed now.
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bomani jones wore that caucasian shirt to point out how offensive the cleveland indians' name and mascot are. but even when you spell it out, people still don't get it. "bomani jones wearing the caucasian shirt has no effect on me whatsoever. just like redskins, blackhawks and chief wahoo shouldn't to everyone." sure, you don't find it offensive because you haven't been the victim of centuries of systemic oppression or attempted genocide. let's be real. ( cheers and applause ) a white guy with a dollar sign on his head is basically a compliment. maybe if we killed your grandma and put her on a sports jersey you'd finally get it. but it didn't stop there. twitter really lost it after b.e.t.'s fabulous awards show "black girls rock," hosted by tracee ellis ross. the show honored the achievements of black girls and women. now, full disclosure.
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hashtag #twochecks-- but that doesn't have any bearing on the reaction i had to the immediate backlash the sho received online. here are just a few salty tweets. "i wonder if we started a trend #whitegirlsrock to take pride in loving ourselves, would that be racist and offensive?" "#blackgirlsrock trending, but if #whitegirlsrock, we're racist white girls wouldn't even consider having such of a movement." i wouldn't call it racist, but you're right about one thing. you wouldn't consider having a movement, because even though black girls rock is an organization that does charitable work all year round you only show up when we're trending on twitter. so, no, it's not a real movement. it's just a temper tantrum. here's the thing. you can make whatever hashtag you want, but it's redundant. we don't need white girls rock the same way we don't need a straight pride parade. ( laughter ) i mean, look at how not fabulous those floats are. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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see, when the world already caters to you, it's saying you rock every single day. you already have white girls rock. it's called the oscars. it's called television. it's called life. the world knows you rock because we see positive and diverse representations of white girls everywhere. seeing a black woman portrayed positively on tv is like finding a unicorn eating a four-leaf clover at the end of a double rainbow. let's just say it's rare. that's why we need black girls rock. here's the point. every time black people draw attention to not being included in something, the response is "well, then why don't you make your own thing?" so that's what we did, and now you're mad? that's not how it works. it's okay to make our own (bleep) cause black girls rock. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: franchesca ramsey, everybody! we'll be right back! how many letters? five letters. just think about what am i doing right now?
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our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag #tonightly. tonight i want to talk about this thing that happened at an event here in new york this past saturday. everybody has been talking about it online so take a look. >> thanks for the endorsement, bill. ( cheers ) took you long enough. >> sorry, hillary. i was running on c.p. time. >> that's not-- i don't-- i don't like jokes like that bill. that's not funny. >> cautious politician time. >> larry: they're regular little jokes. for those who don't know what it means, it means colored people time. black people have been doing that joke for years. some people felt it was racist. i didn't think it was racist. i thought it was just awkward. >> yeah. >> larry: it was just kind of awkward. anybody have a problem with it? >> i wasn't offended as a black person. i was offended because it was just bad. it was just a bad joke.
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they could have stopped by an open mic before then and maybe played that out, learned how to deal with the audience. just practiced. >> i feel like it was a matter of the audience. i feel like it was the wrong place for that joke. it was a political event. i feel like it was a bunch of i feel like bill de blasio, his wife is black, so maybe if he was around the dinner table with his in-laws he could have made that joke and it would have killed there. like when the white guy goes on def comedy jam. >> larry: that is ironic. in front of black people, it would have destroyed. >> that's right. i think they would have-- but they have to know him. this is why you do open mics. you learn. >>.>> larry: he's blake adjacent. he's got a black wife. >> what do i know about racism but it felt racist to me. >> larry: it felt racist. >> first of all i don't think c.p. time is a real thing. i work in a show way lot of
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black people and i'm the latest person every day to work. so i have proven through science that it's not a real thing. >> larry: you don't think you have any black in you, is what you're saying? >> not at the moment no. >> call me after the taping. >> i wish you would get some in you. >> actually, i'm not looking for any. thank you. i think it's just like-- i think it's-- i think it's stupid. i fell like right now there's such a racial climate in the country, you're running for president, you're a politician. you're white. you have enough problems with black lives matter. what are you doing? there's an el nino of racial tension right now. i wouldn't have played with it. i would have cut the joke from the script. >> larry: are you allowed to make a joke like that? i feel like it's the top dog-underdog thing. i feel underdog gets to make fun of top dog but top dock can't make fun of underdog? that's why "why can't i make fun of black people?"
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because you're top dog. >> and he doesn't have to punch up instead of punching down. i don't think it worked. >> larry: but it comes with some judgment. >> absolutely. or you just have to be funny. >> larry: there you go. i agree. that's true. >>un what i mean? >> larry: no, that is true. you can bring it if it's funny. >> there's no reason that louis c.k. can get away with saying the "n" word and it flying flooiz and kills in the arena. i mean, there is a reason. he's funny. they weren't funny. i felt like i was watching nigh teachers trying to to tell jokes. today we're going to talk about tupacthen three-pock. >> i'm not going to lie. you had a funny teacher. >> larry: does hillary clinton feel like an underdog in the race in any sense. >> no, not at all. >> larry: not even being a woman in the race? >> she's a woman but she's also leading in the polls and she's worth, like, $30 million. that's the kind of underdog i would like to be. >> right, yeah. >> like, honestly. she has it set in those arenas. >> ting all depends on the game
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you're playing. and in this game no, she's not the underdog. it depends on the way you're look at it. if you want to look at it from a woman's standpoint fine. i don't think it's necessarily applies here. i know there are twitter people saying, "she's a woman and she has her periodment. she knows what she's doing. she knows politics. >> you know what's weird i think trump has tried to position himself as a understand dog. >> it does go that way. >> larry: but he has. he's a billionaire. if the election is trump and hillary, who is the underdog? i know! see. it's not so easy. >> the american people. >> larry: it's not so easy. >> i think because she's a clinton, you gain a little top dog status. but i do think as a woman who-- here's the thing -- >> historically, she'll clearly be the underdog. >> that's what i'm saying. we think of her as a top dog now, but if you look at her life, she was an underdog her whole life. this is the odd thing thing
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someone who was an underdog and fought to get to the position of top dog should be given credit for that work. >> she is, but she's more of a contender now. you know what i'm saying? now she has contender status. she has all these things she has overcome. her as a candidate is a good contender. she's killing it. i think, like if ted cruz won-- >> you need someone who you didn't see coming at all. un what i mean like the end of "mighty ducks." we didn't see they were going to pull through and they did. >> that's what i'm talking about. >> that's what you need in order-- >> if you didn't think at a disney sports movie they were going to win that is on you. that is on you. >> i was on the edge of my seat. >> there are not a lot of disney movies that end in horror. there just aren't. >> larry: all right, we'll find out soon enough. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) thanks to my panelists. rory albanese, franchesca ramsey, and quinta brunson. and special thanks to bob dibuono as donald trump for being here. >> larry: thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions onter. i'll to one tomorrow night. i promise! i promise! good nightly, everyone. ( cheers and applause )


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