Skip to main content

tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 15, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

12:01 am
thanks for watching! >> yeah! (cheers and applause) ♪ ds. coachella fs val starts on friday. thousands of hip steres and their off string will be heading to the desert for a raucous weekend for feeling superior to others and paying $6 for bottled waters. thissierfans who couldn't be present can be enjoy the it at home thanks to youtube who is broadcasting it live. they are throw on their boho tunic and come down from molly from the comfort of their own anthropologie couches. one
12:02 am
thing that is great about you you teub is their video magic. knowing you can't see every minute of this three-day fiasco what is another video youtube might suggest for people watching the coachella live stream. rich eisen. >> ultimate mumford and sons epic fail compilation. >> this one's the ultimate. you have seen some others but [bleep], this is the ultimate mumford and sons fail. annie lederman. >> eddie vedder bit my finger. >> chris: yes, points, so good. i want to see that video. mike lawrence. >> how to get brain matter off yourselfie stick. >> this was my moment, caleb. >> chris: yeah, it's time to start "@midnight". hello, odd yen yens, i'm chris hardwick, this is "@midnight." the come med bees are from the rich eisen show on directv
12:03 am
audience network and nfl now rich eisen. >> making the hard left turn from sports reporting to dick jokes, rich eisen. >> proudly. >> chris: it must be fun you can say a bunch of stuff on here you can't say on your own show. >> and then go for the nfl, yeah. >> chris: and it works both ways am you start talking about the nfl here, i wouldn't know how to process that here either. >> no, dick jokes are a different thing in the nfl. >> chris: all right, performing at the moontower comedy festival which is awesome in austin, april 26th to the 23rd, annie lederman. helloo, annie, welcome back to the show. >> thank you. >> an from the upcoming comedy central snapchat discover series you're wrong and performing at curious comedy in portland shall april 29th.
12:04 am
mike lawrence. >> i'm just really glad i'm on an episode with rich eisen so my dad can you finally see me on tv. >> hi, mr. lawrence. >> chris: now it's time to frost our nixon, it's pander dome. here's a list of political topics currently trend nght garbage realm. first up, might as well be clinton on the-- is in a week that was miered with controversy hillary clinton got some great news. by locking down the highly cough eted endorsement of smash mouth. yeah. i know. she got it. everyone wanted it. she got it. i do-- you know, they're nice, the smash mouth guys are face but they do make music that sounds like a bowling shirt's
12:05 am
mating call. they didn't take too kindly tweeting at himself like, this this is why you guys only have one known song and you can thank blank for that, comedians, what can smash mouth thank for their one known song. a, hair gel. b, kidz bop volume one. c, shrek. annie. >> air gel? >> chris: you think so? the correct answer is actually-- tully shrek. needless to say smash mouth did take umbrage with their characterization and tweeted, this is why you ray dumb ass we have two number ones and one of those is not even in shrek. (applause) not even. it's not even. >> what is it? >> chris: oh t was in can't hardly wait it wasn't in shrek t was just can't hardly wait. so suck on that, brifi. i met that guy got this tweet he
12:06 am
meus have bb like oh [bleep]. oh my god! no one ever wants to say you won this round smash mouth. >> chris: points to mike lawrence for that. all right, next up, shouting tweets. russ colored dingleberry hosting a triple orgy on his head, donald trump-- he really wants you to smell that thumb. >> he really wants you to, yeah. he finally revealed the secret to jamming out awful tweets while keeping up his schedule of trying to tie as many dam sells to train tracks as possible. this is how he tweets. >> you say something. >> day to day i'm in the office. i shout it out to one of the young ladies who are tremendous office staff and meredith and some of the people that work for me and i will shout it out and
12:07 am
they will do it. >> chris: first of all it sounded like he almost sounded like he said had tremendous ass. >> you know, like there are no young ladies named meredith. >> chris: i hundred points to mike lawrence for that. i always thought he smashed his tiny fist into the keyboard and just like auto correct figure it out. but who knows, maybe shouting at random employees is the best way to get tweets out. so comedians as trump, yell a tweet to your office assistant, annie. >> january is, abort that last tweet and then punish yourself for aborting it. >> chris: points. points. mike lawrence. >> no grammar, okay. i want there to be less periods than a gymnast locker room. >> chris: points. >> if i had a nickel for every time mike lawrence has gotten a grown from a period joke, oh god, i would have a full dollar.
12:08 am
>> chris: you could quit all of it. rich eisen. >> hey paul blanca how many ks are in the word scang. >> chris: points. i thought were you going to say. >> i'm guessing. >> chris: i thought were you going to say hey paul blanca how many ks are in kkk. >> that's the next set. >> chris: that is where i thought were you going with that. that is the end of panderdome. now it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. well, the nba playoffs begin saturday when the best teams of basketball will duke it out for the right to lose to the golden state warriors. is that check out. >> that is accrete. >> chris: point guard steph curry is dominating despite having the lanky arms of a muppet but got another lesser known talent singing justin bieber songs.
12:09 am
>> chris: stop it, stop it, stop it. i feel like my ears just got dunked on. after watching that performance it only makes sense that tonight's hashtag is addsportsruinasofnlgt examples hoops i did it again, 99 problems but a pitch ain't one. i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock. begin. mike. >> steroid to heaven. >> points. rich. >> puff the magic johnson. >> chris: points. >> don't let dennis rodman go down on you. >> chris: points mike lawrence. >> hits from a pete rose. >> chris: annie. >> i'm sorry phil jackson. >> chris: points. rich. >> hey jude, i'm open. >> chris: points. mike lawrence. >> who let the dog fights, the michael vic story. >> chris: points. annie. >>-- the police.
12:10 am
>> chris: rich. >> force some kobe on me. >> chris: points. rich. >> baby got defensive back. >> chris: points. mike lawrence. >> johnny manziel of constant sorrow. >> chris: yes, points. >> video killed his wife and that waiter. >> chris: points. mike. >> are ulans armstrong enough to be my man. >> chris: that works for so many reasons. because that's a sheryl crow song, so good, mike lawrence, points. that is the end of the hashtag wars, send us your will be tag and tag those "@midnight" to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played.
12:11 am
sir, this alien life form is growing at an alarming rate. growing fast, you say? we can't contain it any long... oh! you know, that reminds me of how geico's been the fastest-growing auto insurer for over 10 years straight. over ten years? mhm, geico's the company your friends and neighbors trust. and deservedly so. indeed. geico. expect great savings and a whole lot more. unlimited data from at&t means you can stream it all. like that anthony michael hall movie where he fights with the girl. the one where he gets rejected by the girl. even stream the one where he creates the girl. with unlimited data, you can stream all the anthony michael hall movies you want. i wonder what he's up to these days maybe he's shopping in an at&t store? get unlimited data and your fourth line free when you have at&t wireless and directv.
12:12 am
plus, get up to $650 in credits to help you switch. hey, can we get some beers? beer! ice cold beer! what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer. sorry... sorry... regerts? sorry, i was eating a milky way. ♪ wyou could just forget frthe beach wedding... and the beach booty... you could just book a different resort. like in alaska. they've got igloos.
12:13 am
"@midnight." it's time to play he rassle good. he rassle good. i just vay feeling this is something mike lawrence is going to foa about. trash bag wrestlers is a facebook page that invites
12:14 am
people to-- share pictures of them especially discount ind ies we are-- wrestlers, so i will show you a picture and you answer a question about him. let's start with this wide stance weeble right here what is his finishing move, mike. >> going on youtube and complain being the all-female ghostbuster. >> chris: points. rich. >> the world's famous paint drop. >> chris: points. it's about to drop right there. >> it's smothered. >> chris: slippery when wet. next up, what about this patriot, right here, as this wrestler taunt your opponent. rich. >> you suck and that's coming from me. >> chris: all right, points. annie. >> you're about to find out why they call me the double hand job. >> chris: points.
12:15 am
it's not really threatening in anyway. that's kind of. >> do you want that guy to give you a hand job? >> chris: wait a minute, hang on, hang on, hang on. (cheers and applause). >> chris: wait. wait a minute. okay, the offer wasn't a hand job t was a double hand job. >> right. but that means there is another one next to you. so it's like a communal hand job giving situation. it's like you and a friend. >> chris: what am i, royalty. next up, redemption inning, dusty, blacker heart, zack, there they are. so my question is why did zack refuse to come up with a nickname. rich. >> so it's easier for his dad to come find him if he ever comes back from buying cigarettes. >> chris: points. this is [bleep] danny and the
12:16 am
trayhos. >> it's hard to come up with a new name when they already have got the really good one, dusty and black heart are already taken. >> chris: could have gone with my neck, my back, my pussy and my back. my zack. that would have been one. (applause) all right, next up, captain cash krosh, what-- crotch, what is his one weekness? >> getting women to put their mouth where his money is. >> chris: points. points. excellent, excellent. rich. >> getting kicked right in the benjamins. >> chris: perfect. perfect. next up what about this flying irishman. what is his-- what is his catch phrase? annie. >> i'm the product of a one-night stand between mike lawrence and a potatoe. >> chris: who was the-- who carry him to term, mike or the
12:17 am
potatoe. >> the potatoe. >> chris: the potatoe. >> my tatter to the. >> chris: yes. -- tatter tot. >> rich. >> me carpet matches me drapes. >> chris: yes, points. mike. >> it's all been down hill for me since i played ron weissly. >> chris: he does look like-- he's the one weasley brother there is one muggle w-weasley blower. >> s-weasley. >> or cathy givette in witness protection. >> chris: points for that. she's off bravo, that already counts as witness protection. >> chris: points for mike lawrence. all right, finally, we're going to need a much bigger boat because it's the big jaws.
12:18 am
so what is his tag team partner's name, rich. >> diabetes. >> chris: points. mike. >> cold stone steve austin. >> chris: points. that's the end of he rassle good. it's time for our live challenge, chugbucks. so i don't know, awhile ago starbucks staed this thing where they started adding some alcohol content to some of their starbucks around the country and washington d.c. is the latest to jump on this bandwagon. part of their ongoing effort totion get famously unmotivated coffee shop patrons to come in late in the evening but a word of warning, if you can concoct a pump kind chardonnay
12:19 am
you will throw our divorced white women into a frotting frenzy. it is possible the baristas will have a little nip to dul the pain. what is something you might hear from a drunk barista. we'll be right back with more "@midnight". we're going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. now, we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. degree dry spray. degree. it won't let you down. ♪
12:20 am
♪ ♪ he number one network in america. i know what you're thiining, they all claim stuff like that. yeah, but some of them are stretching the truth a little bit. one claimed to be four times better. we said, four times better than who? they said, four times better than we used to be. wh-wh-wha? if you're four times better than you used to be and you're still not the best, your tagline should be, "not as rubbish as we were." (sighs) only verizon is the nation's most awarded wireless network ever. now get 20 gigs on 4 lines for $80 when you switch to the best network. there it is... this is where i met your grandpa. right under this tree. ♪ (man) some things are worth holding onto. they're hugging the tree. (man) that's why we got a subaru. or was it that tree?
12:21 am
(man) the twenty-sixteen subaru outback. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. my advice for looking younger... longer?ou. pam. this...this is pam's. try not to take things personally. all right. thank you pam. don't let the little things get to you. get your beauty sleep. and use new aveeno® absolutely ageless® night cream. with active naturals® blackberry complex. you'll wake up to younger looking skin in just one week. younger looking skin can start today. new absolutely ageless®. aveeno. naturally beautiful results®
12:22 am
washington d.c. area starbucks will soon be serving alcohol and asked to you give me a line from a drunk barista.
12:23 am
annie, let's start with you. >> one vente jack & soy with room for ru ffies. >> chris: all right, next. >> would you like a pastry with your order, a seasonal scone, perhaps, how about these nuts! i shu mention that these nuts has also been rubbed on the scones. >> chris: mike lawrence. >> sometimes you want to go wherever ree one misspells your name. >> chris: yes. all right. 500, 250 annie, our next game just the tax tips. just the tax tips. good news for mass kiss and old receipts thus yas because tax day is monday oh [bleep], tax day is monday, poop, poop, that means millions of americans are
12:24 am
currently screaming oh [bleep], tax day is monday as they realize it's way past midnight and they don't even know what a 1040ez is. tough and a half gating the loopholes which is why we enlisted the help of three financial experts. a comedian, a sportscaster and a half shaved wolverine. so sorry, annie. >> again. again. >> chris: comedians, i want you to give us-- yeah, these wolverines just left you on the door step, we don't know, are you not naturally our child. you were raised in the wild. now it's time you knew. >> you done vay stomach like this and a healing factor, okay. >> chris: comedians, i want you to give us as many last minute tax tips as you can in 60 seconds and begin, annie. >> when listing your depend ent, find out how many people have your netflix password. >> chris: all right, points. rich eisen. >> lie. >> chris: yairks points. mike. >> make sure your accountants
12:25 am
name rhymes with, eibo-wit displrks. >> right off x body strai spray as a business expense because your-- is getting that pussy. >> chris: points. rich. >> take no advice from wesley snipes. >> chris: points. mike lawrence. >> you only have to claim the children you wanted. >> chris: points. annie. >> buying mike lawrence's cd counts as a charity. >> chris: points. very nicely done. rich. >> get real rich and just don't pay them. >> chris: yes, points. >> say your cat is your wife and your dog is a religion. >> chris: that is the end of just the tax tips. i'm sorry, are you in third place. last time you were on you won. >> i won it. >> it's the ultimate "@midnight" from the penthouse to the outhouse. >> chris: thank you, please
12:26 am
come back. and enjoy your sports. we'll see you soon. red light. that means it's time to get wiki with it, it's for the win. as we pointed out many times on this show wikihow drawings look like they were frantically sketched buying o rang tan. like this one posted called how to plan a disney vacation. what you have there is hungarian owen wilson and the pete townshend sisters, right there. you are headed to disneyland. although it didn't take long for the reddit batters to mount an attack. that is the first-- oh my god. it looks like they're looking at different ways you can poop,
12:27 am
like. >> it doe >> so comedians i would like you to come up with your own fix for this wikihow monstrosity. we'll name a winner when we come back on "@midnight." this is smith & forge. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider our forefathers drank. and they built this country with their bare hands. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste. wabout your data running out. you don't have to worry so you can do more of the things you love. switch to sprint today... and get four lines of unlimited high-speed data, talk and text for only $37.50 per line per month. so laugh more. play more. be prepared to be blown away. because the truth is, the sprint network really is faster, plus it's more reliable with better coverage than ever. and now buy one samsung galaxy s7 or galaxy s7 edge and get one free. try us out for 30 days. if you're not satisfied, we'll refund your money.
12:28 am
so switch today. tecit listens to thing. siri: how may i help you? it shows us the way. it expands our minds. and gives us vision where once we had none. this is how civilization moves forward. this- is how we get coffee. the 2016 corolla. technology on a whole other level. get 0.9% apr financing for 72 months on a 2016 corolla. offer ends may 2nd. for great deals on other toyotas, visit toyota. let's go places. outback's steak & lobsterd! starting at $14.99 for a limited time, we're searing up america's boldest steaks, with classic steamed lobster, or old bay butter lobster. steak & lobster starting at just $14.99?
12:29 am
it's dinnertime at outback. your current gel antiperspirant wet ais.sticky now, we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. degree dry spray. degree. it won't let you down. and uh, i don't even remember taking this one. we'll be in touch. sfx: phone rings hi, i'm just following up on the interview. dimpatient. dim and impatient. hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented new snickers crisper.
12:30 am
krrs welcome back to "@midnight." this is for the win. i'm wiping the scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. wipe, wipe, wipe. >> he touched them. >> chris: i did it all koch comes down to, this i will read your answers and the audience decides the winner. i told our our photo shop battle had fun with this idiot illustration of a kruddably scrimmabled family planning their digs knee vacation and asked you to give your own version of this tragic doodle. let's see what you came up with. first one. all right, number two who is number two.
12:31 am
of course, mike law wednesday, well done, mike law lawrence, you won the internet, are you the funniest person in the next 23 and a half hours we'll see you monday with flula borg, ben gleib and anna akana. keep the game going send your hashtag for monday's tweet of the day. i'm@hardwick on the instagram. have a great great weekend. - two. three. oh, hey. what's up, guys? - are you filming? is it cool if we're in here? - it's actually very cool that you're in here. i'm super-pumped. this director, he's, like, shooting a documentary on me right now. it's, like, 30 for 30 style, like-- - all this for comedy central? - [whispering] i honestly don't know what it's for. i have no idea! he says he, like, knows me from my hometown. it's like a fluff piece, i think. just pretend like they're not even here. - perfect, man. we weren't even here to work out anyway, you know.


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on