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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 19, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> here it is on the democrat side, bernie sanders versus hillary clinton, and there you have the translation into another languby comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ >> larry: thank you very much. thank you. oh, thank you so much. please have a seat. you are too kind. welcome to the nightly show. no, you are right, i am larry wilmore, right, right. i am so excited guys, i found a san diego padres cap. mine. and little inside joke for you people at home, it is like what?
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but, yes, we have with a really good show, actor and two-time emmy winner tony hale is with us tonight, you guides. you guys. very funny. very funny man. he is funny, he funny, he funny. but first very exciting it's primary day here in new york and, you know, it's very easy for candidates to panned never other parts of the country, like in iowa you simply eat some corn at a state fair, new hampshire you chat with voters in a diner, you know, in florida you have to get arrested shirtless, right? in florida you have to relate to the people, right? that's what you have to do. but new york is tricky. it is not just one thing so you to paneled tore all times of voters, so put on your yarmulke and sit down for some pizza and put in your weave, because it's time to check in with what's happening with the pandering edition. >> okay. now president imhul want bees know the way to a new yorker's
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heart is through their stomachs and the they have been eating ht dogs, italian food, more italian food, all of the italian food, good lord, kasich, do you have a tapeworm? even huckabee is at home, like damn. .. and the gastropatent everything didn't stop with the italians, with the passover coming up, kasich and cruz made visits to matzah factories, matzah factories, come on, guys that is another on the schnozz, sorry, guys, i know that was tasteless, just like the matzah, i am, oh, i i can't stop, i cant stop. now while meeting with the jews -- oh, kasich did worse than go off script, he actually went off torah. >> it's a wonderful, wonderful holiday for our friends in the jewish community, the passover. the great link between the blood
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that was put above the lamp post, the blood of the lamb, is jesus christ, is known, as the lamb of god. >> larry: jesus christ! i mean, literally jesus christ. you brought up the one jewish guy that makes this the complete opposite of pandering. why don't you just head to the mosque and drop off those pictures of mohammed you sketched earlier. okay. nice. okay. donald trump meanwhile decided to get all of his ethnic pandering out of the way at once by hosting a diversity coalition yesterday. >> a top aide to trump said there are about 500 members of this group. representing everyone from native americans to hispanics, muslims and women, sics, and others. >> larry: hey, black people are just others now?
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we went from the blacks to others? maybe you forgot the br in front of others, okay? i blame all of this on ben carson. trump did enlist one of his favorite of the blacks, omarosa, yes, he felt having a failed reality show contestant added some gravitas to the event. i guess he couldn't lock down sanjaya. >> look scared a couple of you, a couple of you, american idol season. all right, omarosa, do whatever it is you are there to do. >> this is some turnout, huh? >> do you see all the women? >> i love how omarosa has to point out the women to him. look, mr. trump, it's women, those adult girls you despise, you know, just picture them all as your hot daughter in her underwear and you will be relaxed. i say donald, you say trump. donned, trump. >> when i say donald, you say
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trump. >> donald. >> trump! >> donald -- >> trump. >> when you say mexicans, you say rapists. >> mexicans! >> mexicans! >> no, you are not supposed to say it. oh, my god. larry wilmore made us say racist things. he did it. elsewhere in the pander city, hillary clinton thought she would play it substitute and join brothers in a typical game for a 68-year-old white woman, dominoes. >> oh, oh. >> you win. >> i can play both chinese and both -- >> >> larry: okay. two things. first, chinese? don't mention another ethnic group mid pander, hillary, okayed okay? second, hillary actually looks like she can play. damn. she did. by the way look at her motorcade
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leaving. >> larry: yes, dog, that is some expert pandering right there, man, inam telling you. hillary then made a radio appearance where she upped the pandering game. >> what is something you always carry with you. >> hot sauce. >> really? >> yes. >> really? >> yes. >> larry: really? okay. all right. at first i thought this was bull-(bleep), you know, because beyonce says she had hot sauce in her bag and now you say you carry hot sauce in your purse? everyone knows the only thing hillary carries with her in her bag is benghazi secrets. >> ♪ ♪ benghazi! >> but it turns out this is true. so apparently hillary is like crazy into hot sauce. have you guys heard this? i am not making it up no.. really when she was in the white house she had a collection of over 100 different types of hot sauces and when she became a senator she moved the hot sauces to a private server in her house. which she did with the hot
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sauce. but it really does look like she is pandering. >> now listen i just want you to know people are going to see this and say okay she's panned toarg black people. >> is it working? >> ha, ha. >> larry: ha, ha, ha. >> they laugh and actually it is working. oh, america, you will fall for anything. we will be right back. [ cheers and applause three meals a day? fine. love it. but come on... we just got home, we wanna eat, we wanna hang out! can't we squeeze an unofficial meal in there? we could call it linner. heck, we could call it josephine if we wanted. and when we gather for josephine, we can eat hummus! with roasted red peppers! or olives! or garlic! and we can eat with our fingers and laugh with our mouths full! 'cause rules are more of a dinner thing. so put out the sabra, and call everyone to the kitchen! sabra. welcome to the unofficial meal.
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foreheads. yes. it was a horrible racist statement. and a bunch of people took offense it to and bill o'reilly actually double downed on that last night. . >> i asked mr. trump how he would combat a culture among some african-americans that scorn conventional behavior, he replied that job growth would take care of it. >> and they are going to have jobs. >> how are you going to get jobs for them, many of them are ill educated and have tattoos on their forehead. >> larry: okay. well, as long as we are -- that is very good, as long as they are replaying clips from our own so shows i will replay my reaction of your clip the first time you did it. >> yes. that's right. (bleep) you, o'reilly. >> larry: that's right. (bleep) you, bill o'reilly. two can play at that game but the worse part bill o'reilly has the gall to be upset by the back backlash from his statement. >> the race users will who have not walked the streets of poor neighborhoods lately immediately
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accused me of racism. >> larry: no. regular people accuse you of racism. and by the way you can't use fantasy hands to describe racism, okay? fantasy hands are best for saying things like ta-da. all right? and who the (bleep), when have you the (bleep) ever walked in a poor neighborhood like i am supposed to believe you spend your saturdays strolling through comp son counting forehead tattoos. i have tried getting through to you once already, o'reilly, why don't you get to it. talking reasonably isn't going to do it p you know what any am going to have to take you to church. now, church, the devil, the devil has come in bill o'reilly's clothe. now you preach you fail to see is that black people work twice as hard to gain half as much.
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>> amen. >> you all don't hear me. we work twice as hard to gain half as much. can i get an amen again. all right. that's better. it is not tattoos on our foreheads that condemn us. it is separate but unequal education, red lined housing, banks that will not provide us loans and a criminal justice system designed to keep us in chains. those are the proverbial forehead tattoos that consecrate the mark of the beast for black people in america. can i get another amen. thank you very much. we with don't need tattoos on our foreheads when all people, when all people like bill o'reilly see our ink can i black skin, did trayvon have a tattoo on his forehead when george zimmerman decided to end his life. >> no. >> and did rachel dolesal have a tattoo on her forehead when she was ranking that chapter of the naacp. >> well, maybe, i don't know, she turned out to be a white lady. but, okay, amen.
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>> amen, demons walk among us, church. and earthly demons like bill o'reilly may pretend they are the victims, but we know better. though they cry the tears of oppression they are the ones who are doing the oppressing with their blasphemous lies. i think i need another amen. >> yea, i need allowedder amen. i need allowedder amen. >> amen. >> that's better. >> yea though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death known as fox news, i will fear no evil, for truth art with me. whose truth wins. >> you. >> lean me not into temptation but away from bill o'reilly. let us cast him out from these airwaves, cast him out, cast him out. you don't hear me. cast him out. >> or just don't watch fox news, even though i realize your
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options for quality news programs are limited. can i get a hallelujah. >> much like jesus, we will be right back. >> amen! >> can i get another amen? can i get a hallelujah? can i get a hallelujah? i need an amen. amen. folks, you can't make this stuff up. four bandits chose a prius as their getaway car. bravo-niner, in pursuit of a toyota prius. over. how hard is it to catch a prius? over. this thing is actually pretty fast. over.
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nightly show using the hashtag tonight tonightly. >> we don't know the results and we talk about this earlier in the show the last week the candidates have been here trying to be new yorkers, hillary had her, her pandering, hillary with the hot sauce in her purse, and bernie in nathan for hot dogs, kasich just ate everything. cruz schmoozed with the jews. basically they are all pandering, so why is pandering so important? why do we need politicians to be like us? >> the thing that does bug me is when with they try to be like i am one of you. >> larry: right. >> i am one of you. and it is like,, no i know you are not. i know you have an agenda and there are strings attached. >> yes. exactly. >> larry: right. exactly. >> hillary with the hot status like it is in my purse, when was the last time you saw hillary with a purse? it is like that doesn't happen. hillary isn't running around with a purse. >> it is in the purse, absolutely. >> that is rich people (bleep). >> larry: how about. >> listen, hillary is pandering
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out of control. she can't stop. she really can't. she did the -- she had the mothers with her, and then she is doing the nanay and doing the dad. she a week away from saying sickle-cell so black people will vote for her. i am not kidding. it is rimmed. >> larry: you, ridiculous. >> larry: you think they would vote for her for having sickle-cell? that is relating too much if you have sickle-cell. >> i think everybody at some level, humans want to be liked. >> larry: right. >> so we do that naturally, everyone kind of panders. >> larry: sure. >> in some way or another. so i can't really blame them, because it works. >> larry: do you think it works, though? >> do you think it leads to votes? >> i think it does but again, if it feels not authentic or it feels -- it feels fake, i mean, it makes me kind of do this. i mean, i just thought of, it is the kind of thing like i see what you are doing, it is like
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someone with a bad plastic surgery, it is like, no, i see it. i see what you are trying to do, you are trying to hide the pizza that is not your face. i really don't understand the food pandering, like here is the thing. >> i do. because i love food. >> larry: are you a food difficult. >> yes. >> food-y. >> it is a hospitality thing like you bring people into your home, serve them food. i mean, i get that. >> larry: get that. but here you go. kasich reportedly consumed two plates of spaghetti bolognese, a salami the sandwich, an entire plate of pass stanchts that is impressive. >> larry: a selection from a massive plate of antipasto and his campaign said extra kanuli to two. >> he shouldn't be allowed to eat anymore. >> i think kasich knows he is not going to win. he is not pandering to us he is like trying to get into one of those food japanese shows like stuff your face. it is like politics spot going to work for me, i will be a star in japan. and i will just eat all of the things. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> hilarious.
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>> kasich is treating his campaign like the free samples at costco. like, it is like i have seen you before, no, no, no. not me. not me. >> yes, actually. if you are a little tight in the money this month, you know, start running for president if you are short on groceries. >> you don't say no to free. just bring it in. >> the food thing, i was briefly at a restaurant, and obama went there while he was in town, right? and the waiter came over to me like 5,000 times i didn't know what you want, he said obama had the burger, obama had the burger, yeah and he also ordered drone strikes. i am not same type of person. i don't want the burger. >> larry: what do you think sanders or hillary panders the most. >> he panders the most and best at it, because he does not have anything in common with the people that actually are supporting him. in this is a dude who grew up in a country club and somehow he
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magically speaks monster truck, and that is why his audience loves him. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry:. >> he pannedders with his policies is what you are saying? >> no, he doesn't have any policies. he uses like -- he is like (bleep) and it is like yeah. (bleep) me too! >> he doesn't have -- >> exactly. president with black. >> larry: are you telling me because he pulls out that paper using -- (bleep). actually on that paper is a huge (bleep). that's all it is. >> larry: yeah. i guess so. so you think he is the best panderer? >> i think so. >> no. bernie into. >> larry: bernie? >> bernie knows how to pander. >> larry: how does bernie pander. >> he got me a few times. he came out -- >> larry: like he tricked you? >> yeah, bernie came out, it is like we shall legalize pot. >> it is like, go!
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right? >> nice double entendre. >> he thought he would get me so high he would (bleep) me and tag me. >> that college is not free, okay? >> i am not paying for that. i am going back. >> larry: does any of this have an effect on you as a voter? >> german chocolate cake would get me in a second. >> no. the way you would panned tore me is you would need to keep it all the way real. i would love it if a president. >> larry: isn't that bernie and trump. >> i need a pea who is going to say it would be awesome if i am a president but i need congress to agree with me, i can't do anything. taktake care of your local elections because -- >> oh, they actually kept it honest. and you make all of these promises and like the presidents job, the president can't do everything so you have to compromise in some way or another and that's what i would need to hear in order to really believe it. >> yeah. i mean. >> i just think about my show, like, because we are kind of a
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behinds the scenes of what is really going on. >> larry: right. >> i mean all of the posturing, you never see someone doing -- >> exactly. >> i mean, that would be great, but that is spinning that is happening. >> larry: behind the scenes that are -- >> actually, i get the sense they really like our show because i think it is more maybe realistic picture of what is going on. because we put these people on such pedestals but you know theo go wind the assistance and they get insecure and said something they shouldn't have and the team is trying to spin it. >> what is the craziest thing you have heard that you can share? or something you can't share? >> this is the place to do it. i don't know. i mean, i don't know if it is crazy, it is like a lot of -- just like terms that we have learned, like am i allowed to cuss? >> larry: you can say whatever the (bleep) you want. >> like once a term was like pencil (bleep). >> larry: really? >> it is this thing where they would have a speech ready and
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then they called it the pen -- pencil (bleep) is saying, don't, don't, you can't say that, that, that. >> larry: i bet obama does a lot of pencil (bleep). >> but it is the kind of thing, where they are on the show and get up and they have nothing to say because i it has been completely (bleep). >> larry: that's something i never knew. >> a look behind the scenes. >> larry: one last word on the pandering, anything else that bugs you? >> i just don't like the pandering that is like, i am like you. >> larry: right. >> you want a president that is like you? like -- >> larry: wait do i want a president that looks like you? >> i got drunk last week and took a head rest out of an uber. i don't want a president like me. i don't want that in my life. >> larry: there you go. i think you said it beautifully. we will be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free ticket to nightly show.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> larry: thanks to our guests. keep it 100. >> tonight's question is from an audience member named liam, let's take a look. hey larry i have great news for you, you are now a pair. but here is the thing, you have to choose between bernie sandersers hair and donald trump's hair. which would you choose? keep it 100. >> i have hair. i am not even going to say. i would go for bernie's hair because i would never have to comb it. challenge me. challenge me! thanks for being here! >>
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comedy central >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on msn. ice cream lords ben and jerry were arrested in washington d.c. during a demonstration to get -- demonstration and money in politics. they were with a group called democracy awakening, which is apparently a protest organization and not a high school band as the name sounds. according to capitol police, ben and jerry were charged with crowding and obstructing. comedians, since their co-founders have been arrested, what's an ice cream flavor ben & jerry's might produce from prison? >> lethal dairy injection. chris: perfect. tom. tom ellis. >> electric

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