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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 21, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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seconds. this happened in america's hrupbz. it's 420. technically well you're still baked so say it's 420. [cheers and applause] i know. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i know you have been hearing it all day. i do not partake for three reasons. one i'm sober. two it makes me paranoid. number three, see one and two.
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no woman no cry. all across the world stoners were stoning. gateways were leading to cocaine. black light posters were half way to the moon before you had to turn around because you forgot your phone. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> chris: i will accept you're gigly, steve. >> smoke it smoke the joint. chris: 24 states have legal allied pot for medical use like cataracts and co khe cochella. some worry it gives pot smoking a bad image. >> colorado i love you, love you. we have to put on pants when we buy marijuana. please, put on pants. that's all, i ask. [laughing]
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>> wow. chris: yes. [ applause ] >> a simple request, right. chris: a message from jeremy hubbard. i appreciate you getting your official weed. this was an mazing opportunity for him to turn and walk away with no pants on. you totally missed a opportunity, hubbard! get your [beep] together. comedians, you may or may not smoke pot. i don't know. i guess you do. what is a tip for our viewers smoking too much mary of the juana. >> pink floyd dark side of the moon matche matches with pink f. >> don't catch your crank in the zipper dude. >> chris: doug benson. >> chris, it's important to pace yourself which i did not do today. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i think we have to stop before doug remembers where he is. it's time to saturday
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"@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight legendary defender coming to net flicks. it's tyler labine. it's steve agee. >> thank you for having us back. chris: aggressively beardd and wearing a ron tee shirt. >> i feel i'm on@mountainmen. chris: you are. you are. host of getting doug with high on youtube it's doug benson back on the program. >> hi i'm here. chris: ripped from tonight's
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internet headlines this is rapid refresh. right here, our teleprompter operator makes me say them. please free me i'm dying now. i'm yelling now because of bald face. first up, that's the palin in. she has emerged from her bear trap to let us know she's as much like bill nye. the internet flipped out. let's compare their resumes. bill nye working 30 years in the field of science like boeing and nasa. sara palin working for 30 years in alaska looking for big foots. what are sara palin science facts? bill agee. >> the front crack is pink.
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the back crack is brown. suck it neil. >> chris: okay. [ applause ] >> chris: science checked out on that. joints. doug. >> the jungle book is the greatest documentary of the year. [laughing] >> chris: joints to doug benson. tyler. >> the reason the sky is blue god is sad about the gays. >> chris: joints, joints. [laughing] >> chris: out of the three answers that would be the one she would be. >> it's factually accurate. chris: and next up university of georgia hired ludacris to perform at their spring football game. he required 65 grand, two bottles of cognac and a box of condoms. his plan was to fill the condoms
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for cognac for the most baller water balloon fight of all time. comedians, now we know what it takes to keep luda happy what are other artist's back stage demands. >> kenny g. wants a warm pumpkin with a hole cut in it. [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: this needs to be warmed to 95°. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up audio quiz. announcer: audio quiz. >> where did that come from? chris: jesus. baseball is back. this next bit of audio proves it. i want you to know this is fun and funny not a murder. that's important for you. >> listen here! my goodness!
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my god! >> chris: alright. comedians i don't want you to get up set or nervous. everything will be okay. is this a woman being eaten alive by a philadelphia mascot or a fan taking tampa's famous hot dog conned iment chug challenge. >> chris, i say the first one. the mascot one. >> chris: okay, mascot. let's take a look. >> nobody cares what he had. my goodness! [laughing] [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> wow. >> did you see the mascot behind him? >> chris: they're all [beep] terrifying this. is the best possible thing that could happen to you in the parking lot of a philly's game.
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that's the end of rapid refresh. it's time for the #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] >> chris: as you know it was 420 the day of weed, in case the internet didn't remained you a million [beep] times. many famous people partake in the ganga beyond the enthusiasts in front of you. our #420celebs. examples of this may be puff puff pratt, and jon bon -- >> louie thck. >> benson. >> johnny cash. chris: steve. >> argton puffington.
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>> sativa agee. >> bowl micale or bowl exhale. chris: double points. >> stony danza. chris: points. steve. >> marijuana richard nixon. [laughing] >> chris: that was just [beep] stupid enough to have people howling on their couches now. tyler. >> reefer sutherland. chris: there you go. that's the end of the #hashtagwars. show us your hash tabs. people who are really stoned are like i don't know 420 celebrities. keep the game going "@midnight." the tweet of the day from last night's hashtag war was sent to
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the one where he gets rejected by the girl. even stream the one where he creates the girl. with unlimited data, you can stream all the anthony michael hall movies you want. i wonder what he's up to these days maybe he's shopping in an at&t store? get unlimited data and your fourth line free when you have at&t wireless and directv. plus, up to $650 in credits to help you switch. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for a very special segment. we take a closer look at a complex internet item of interest. @ mid flight deep dive. a "@midnight" special report. now i would like you to pay special attention. this [beep] is insane.
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we will examine a local news story from tyler, texas. it's about this man wayne probst. like to point out he's wearing this shirt. this guy needs a beer. it's been crudely retrofitted replacing the word "beer" with "jesus." now it says this guy needs a jesus. which you will agree with after you see this piece. knowing this man defaces his own tee shirt to make him more religious. what is this news story about? steve. >> local man ruins shirt. chris: big story. doug benson. >> the kind of story i change the channel. >> chris: alright. here is what it's actually about. >> my front yard, how much better can it get. >> wayne is stunned he was helping his aupt lay dirt in tyler when he found this. >> a petro tide snail.
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>> and this. >> a heart. >> it was interesting to me, we're talking about the largesn ka tafcatastrophe known to man. >> chris: the snail is petrofied because it's in tyler texas. he thinks you found fossils from the noah's flood in his aunt's creepy front yard. what do you think wayne credits the second greatest catastrophe known to man. >> obama. [ applause ] >> i mean -- chris: steve. >> that leonard skynyrd plane crash. [ applause ] >> chris: we now go to joe taylor a expert of some kind.
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>> he calls self proclaimed fossil expert joe taylor confirming what wayne found was from noah's ark. he says finding this in tyler is rare. >> i haven't heard of this there. i'm surprised he found it there. >> chris: this man is such a expert on noah's follow ise foss actually noah. he is a fossil expert. what else may joe taylor proclaim about himself. doug. >> [beep]. >> he's one of the top fired gandolf impersonators. [ applause ] >> chris: you shall not puff puff! okay. let's check back in with wayne. >> snails possible, possible
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bird bones. [laughing] >> chris: if you're a lady in tyler, texas, date this man and get him out of his aunt's [beep] front yard. he's digging around and making things up. what else is buried in wayne's aunt's terrible yard. steve. >> a lawn gnome covered in wayne's semen. [ applause ] >> because he jerked off on it, chris. >> chris: oh, thank you for taking us on the journey there. we arrived to the destination. doug. >> the bodies of many unfortunate -- >> chris: alright. points. so, this all begs to question what the hell is sweet aunt doing with wayne excavating her yard for rocks? >> i take my toothbrush and work
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on those when god destroyed the earth. how much better can anything be. >> horrid. >> wait a minute. chris: what can be better than scrubbing with a toothbrush? >> flossing the driveway. [laughing] >> chris: points. tyler. >> waiting for the grim reaper to end your terminal suffering. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> everyone had a good laugh when aunt sharon started to scrub her teeth with the rock brush. >> chris: points. we like to thank the news for this break egg story. any final thoughts, wayne? >> who can say they have a front yard of noah's dirt. >> chris: no one can say that
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now, wayne. now to our live challenge, the localist news. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so now we have taken the journey to dive into wayne's fossil adventure. now introduce another goofy news story from tyler, texas. we will get your answers after the break with more "@midnight." [cheers and applause] ♪ beer never looked so refreshing. 100% natural lime flavor in a twist bottle. ♪ bud light lime.
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[cheers and applause] > chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break we had the story of local news booger here from tyler, texas. you just have to tell the news you found a fossil from noah's ark. they will run down and report it like it's a thing. i asked you to act like a news reporter with the next story in tyler, texas. tyler from tyler let's start with you. >> coming up next five minorities that are surprisingly cool and be [beep] the [beep] out of my daughter all they want. >> chris: oh. phraurs. >> i'm going to guess that's probably not the next news story in tyler, texas. >> chris: steve agee. >> thank you, chris. tragedy strikes when a school bus full of kids on a field trip slides into lake ponkatonk and the only survivor is a dog that
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can meow. [laughing] >> that's a story. >> that's the store a i want. chris: amazing. getting down there. doug benson. >> the next time you touch the remote could kill you. details after this. [laughing] >> chris: alright. i will give steve a thousand points. 500 to doug and tyler. our next game, stoner trivia. stoner trivia. the problem with being a ha bib utility pot smoker i'm told is you run out of things to do when you're high. what do you do after you lose your cellphone a hundred times, suck your kitchen utensils to into your belly button, make your cat drink a pbr and write a fan letter to sponge bob what is next? well, you and your buddies can
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settle down for stoner trivia. true facts, the website has a correction section because of the some of the cards were printed wrong. what are questions you find on a stoner trivia card. 60 seconds, begin. doug benson. >> why are we here, man. chris: points. steve. >> why don't we have ear lids. chris: points. good question. doug. >> where is my lighter. chris: points. doug benson again. >> what did you have for lunch. chris: points. tyler. >> what is that one movie with the one guy in the one building. >> chris: points. steve agee. >> which one is chong. chris: points. tyler. >> i mean we the air -- disappeared in 1967 wasn't that weird. >> chris: points. steve agee. >> i mean who the [beep] does brad think he is. >> chris: tyler. >> but like what is space.
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chris: steve agee. >> anni potts sounds like any pots. >> chris: wow i mean, amazing annie potts mark. and i'm shocked to say doug benson is being eliminated. probably because it's 420. doesn't happen often this. is the first time ever. doug is the most productive stoner i have met in my life. today the weed got the better of him. doug any final words. >> 29 times i have stood at this podium and once at this one. get to the light. >> chris: we have a special light for to you day, doug. here it is. >> gree green light! [ applause ] >> chris: it's irrating your
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cells with marijuana energy. it's time to show me your tips. tips with a "p" it's for the win. according t to facebook they're looking at a louing peopling to add a tip jar to the posts. it's like any tip jar. what is a post that would make people want to put money in your tip jar. we will have our answers when we come back to@ mi
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almost there. i can't reach it. if you have alligator arms, you avoid picking up the check. what? it's what you do. i got this. thanks, dennis! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. growwwlph. it's what you do. oh that is good crispy duck. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for the win on this special 420 episode. it's technically 421. i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answers allowed. you decide the winner. i told you facebook may allow a tip jar on their posts. i asked what people would put money in your tip jar for. first one ... get your tip out of my jar. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: or ... twenty bucks you watch me [beep] my cat. 50 bucks you watch my cat [beep]
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me. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who was number two? of course it's steve agee with the cat joke. [cheers and applause] >> chris: steve you're the funniest person for the next 23.5 hours. see you tomorrow night with alice wetterlund, eliot glazer, and adam conover. good night! (abbi and ilana) previously on "broad city"... to the airport! (abbi) you have a period stain. i have weed in my vaginé. period pants are the ultimate decoy. we'll have to check your luggage. this bag is the bomb. this is gonna have to go under the plane. (jared) welcome to birthmarc. this is an all-expense paid trip to israel, provided by your living ancestors, so we're seated according to match potential. enchanté. jews! jews! jews! ♪ put your tray tables up and put your seat back forward ♪ ♪ and if you got something big ♪


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