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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 22, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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seconds. seconds, this happened on nasesa .gov. its owe officially earth day. i want-- not one person-- not using energy to clap, so you know, we're not editing it. that is staying in. i think-- (applause) the people at home, the audience at home needs to know that the audience here was like [bleep] earth. like they need to know. (laughter) i would like to take the time to celebrate those that work to
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make our holder a better place, politicians for green invasion, scientists for green energy and the braiferrest most selfless crusade errs of them all. i'm getting a little joked-- choked up. upyoas who bring their whole cloth bags to whole foods. they are really making an impact. these are the real heroes. so [bleep] you, scientists. hey, politicians, i don't even know who you are, teachers, i don't want even to look at you. one organization doing something cool for earth day is nasa who is encouraging people to share their earth day activities online with the hashtag 24-7. so in the spirit, comedians, what are you doing to save the planet this earth day, alice wetterlund. >> i'm only eating sustainable organic food that i make myself so a lot of my own boogers. >> chris: good. recycling too. >> recycle. >> chris: eliot glazer. >> i'm riding my bike to my car. >> chris: yes, thank you, thank you. very well done.
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(applause). >> chris: adam conover. >> i will be limiting masturbating in the shower to an hour or less a day. >> chris: very good, very good. >> a real sacrifice. >> chris: the earth appreciates you limiting your carbon du ck print like that. thank you very much. it's time to farther "@midnight" earth day! captioning sponsored by comedy central well, hello. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians guest tarring on adam divine's house party on this program on this channel alice wetterlund. (applause) from hunting renditions live, next show bell house in brooklyn april 29th eliot glazer. (applause)
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and host of adam ruins everything new episodes coming in august on trutv adds am conover is back on the program. (applause) now it's time to make "@midnight" great again. it's panderdome. (applause) here are the sfw and n sfw and the really n sfw topics trending online this political season. first up, one vote works wonders, bionic great aunt hillary clinton overcame her new york city swiping snafu, to crush the new york primary. and her pandergame was on fleek. like this dance at a washington heights block party. oh man. (applause)
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not good. >> she got her groove back vz she did. >> >> chris: she did. >> that guy gave it back to her. like to thank "politico" for that thank god she wasn't actually dirty dancing remix. internet was perhaps most intrigued by her appearance on the breakfast club radio show where she revealed she had at least one thing in common with beyonce. >> what is something you always carry with you. >> hot sauce. >> really? >> yes, yes. >> really? >> you getting in formation right now? hot sauce. >> hot sauce. >> really. >> yes. >> chris: you know it, g. who is with me? >> i thought you said black people liked hot sauce, what's
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happening? >> chris: because people accuse hillary of pandering to black voters but it was clear from the look on her face she had no clue what formation, beyonce, hip-hop or even human emotion. is so comedians, besides hot sauce, what is something else that hillary carries in her purse. adam. >> she just doesn't have hot sauce she has conned iments from people and cultures all over the world. >> chris: she's got your srircah, your wasabi, and your tabasco and your chalu la in all of these hot sauces make a rich tappestry. >> chris: alice. >> bernie sanders sex tape, just in case.. >> let me just stick it at 1
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percent. 1 percent. >> chris: human scrotup stretched over a t-shirt canon donald trump swept to victory in his home state of new york this week and boing boing celebrated by posting a video of one of his speeches, this is amazing. they altered this just enough to make it funnier. so comedians, did they slow it down by 50% to make him sound drunker or replace every mention of the phrase build a wall with build a bear. adam. >> they definitely replaced build a wall with build a bear. he already seems drunk all the time. it gets no worse. >> chris: that's not the correct answer but i am about to show you how amazing if you just slow him down by 50% how this turns outs. >> it's close, did you ever get
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so close to a deal or a job, that you don't even see it i don't care. i don't care. i-- . >> chris: that is why drunk uncles love donald trump. he is one of them. go homek uncle donald, thanksgiving is over. it's 1 a.m. >> i will build a wall myself. i don't [bleep] >> chris: all right. that is the end of pander dome. it's now time for tonight's hashtag wars. i know you are excited. i know pants are about to get [bleep] because "game of thrones" is coming back this sunday. (cheers and applause) but for a show based on a book
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series called a song-- they are surprisingly little singing i feel the betion wayity to looen the mood after the head crushing and sibling boning would be a nice rendition of hodor the dog's out. so comedians, hodors the dog's out, hodor, hodor, hodor. ♪ so comedians, we're going to remedy this incongruity with tonight's hashtag fantasy songs. fantasy songs. examples might be tireoning up my heart and you're a hard hobbit to break. 60 seconds, begin. >> all the smeagol ladies. >> chris: points, so good. adam. >> my neck, my back, my pussy and my crackit. >> chris: points. alice. >> i can see my sword when i'm with orcs. >> chris: points. >> moves like so-wcor.
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>> chris: i'm picturing it. points. alice. >> straight out of district 11. >> chris: yes, points. so good. adam. >> anything by my favorite rapper-- . >> chris: alice wetterlund. >> kaldrogo breakin my heart. >> chris: points. beautiful. eliot. >> [bleep] khaleesi. >> chris: yes, points. >> back in theu ssrr martin. >> chris: yes, points, very good. a perfect place to end the hashtag war, send your hashtag and tag them "@midnight" to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played.
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...your starting lineup. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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to "@midnight." so-- . >> chris: this is the fun thing that might benefit you. jaguar is letting me give someone a car. that someone could be you.
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engine and all. so everything you need to operate a jaguar, this sn a all new jaguar xe. we're going to give one away, to enter make a funny video or picture to show us how you get around like when you move from the bean bag chair to the kitchen then back again, this is an amazing giveaway. i am a bit of a jaguar man my sesm i use it in my daily spying and errand runnings. so submit your videos on vierntion instagram, twitter. we done care. make sure they are less than 30 seconds and use the hashtag how i get around contest and you, yes, you, kyle, could unleash your inner brit. i just like one kid to [bleep] his pants when he-- (applause) you could unleash your inner brit with an all new jaguar xe, the car not the giant murder cat. right now it's time to play sweet emoji.
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emoji are a critical part of modern dating. one well timed eggplant can land you and your lovers parm. so let's take a new spin on the attraction with sweet emoji, turn ons, turnoffs. i will show you two pairs of emoji. for 250 points interpret them and tell me the turnons an turnoffs. first up, this one. eliot. >> turn ons male order brides who love ham. turnoffs is the smell of a woman. >> chris: all right. i will give you points for that. >> we got him over here. next one. all right, how about that. >> turnon, guys that don't look like guy fieri. and turnoff, wait for it, beer. >> chris: nice. i love it. you have done well today.
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points. adam. >> turnoffs people without don't like where the wild things are. what's your problem. turnons, a queen who will fill all my holes. >> chris: yes, points. >> wow. >> chris: i was picturing the queen doing that. it. >> it seems like we have one more cavity. the ear, please. put it here. >> if i can't feel your holes, i'm filling it. >> turnon, getting tied up by satan. turnoffs, holistic all natural ear piecerrings. >> chris: all right, points. points. next one. eliot.
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>> turnons twincest. turnoff, hitchhikers in weird hats. >> chris: all right. points. i'm going to say something i have never said before i will give you points for twincest. >> so many points. >> turnoff movember. that's enough. turnoff festive prostate exam. >> chris: points. >> like a mall sanlta. >> once a year. >> ho, ho, ho. ho, ho, ho. >> chris: someone's coming up the chimney. >> i don't know. >> chris: alice. >> turnoffs having two dads. turnoffs, having no dad in your father figure is santa.
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>> chris: all right, points. that's right. last one, last one. what's that, adam. >> turnans, die nettics ddyanetic. great idea, changed my life. turnoffs,-- pussy d (applause). >> chris: that's the end of sweet emoji turnons, turnoff. it's time for our live challenge. if you like my body. facebook recently inte intreused chat bots artificial intelligence pes injuries to interact with users on behalf of famous brand. sounds cool but a blogger proved that it still has a few kinks to work out so she asked the forecasting app the question is it going to rain, to which it
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responded, wet, warm, yuk. but is it going to rain. wet, warm, yuk. does wet mean rain? >> sorry you're going to have to say that again in cat. meow. what? all right. what? so basically talking to the bot makes about as much sense as the people on facebook you went to high school with and are now all religious. write a facebook message you would get from a malfunctioning chat bot. we're right back with more "@midnight." meout. this is the black eagle this is a champion this just isn't right this is all he needs
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flavor that can't be tamed tecate light, born bold
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i showed you a facebook chat that made no sense and scdz you to compose a bonker he message from a robot ambassador. let's see adam let's start with you. >> hi, i'm the hillry clinton campaign chat bot. by which i mean i'm actually hillary rodham clinton, this is just how i talk. >> chris: points. all right. eliot. >> yo, you seven-up? >> chris: all right. alice. >> hey, it's yahoo, what's up. want to hang out? i'm pretty alone right now. i will let do you butt stuff to my butt. >> chris: all right. we're going to do a thousand
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to-- our necessary game true bromance. according to new research published in neuropsychofarm kolg which is the only magazine other than o that has a psycho on the cover every month, i'm kidding, anyone the uc berkeley study claims a healthy bromance can save your life that healthy relationships can reduce stress an extanned your life and provided further clues on how to deal with ptsd like sim testimonies like that post traumatic stress they suffered after they bought a zoo and witness their friend submity getting eaten by a tiger. you get eaten by a [bleep] tiger. i'm going to show you a series of couple of a couple of bros, broking around bro style and bif me the name of the bromantic comedy you think they could star in. first up, these two.
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adam. >> i now pronounce you sacko and vansetti. >> chris: next one. adam. >> syncing up our cycle. >> chris: so good. points. next. >> eliot. >> familiar bam and the poot. >> chris: next up. alice. >> diary of a wimpy adult. >> chris: points. next. eliot. >> connected at the dick. >> chris: yup. points. next. adam. >> the bronze lining play book. >> chris: all right, points.
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>> full metal friendship. >> chris: points. next. adam. >> hop on top pop. >> chris: that's the end of true bromance, eliot glazer are you in third place, i'm sorry, do you have any last words. >> please watch me on time traveling on this channel today. >> chris: yes, time traflting bon. (applause) red light on him. there it goes. that means it's time to put a towel down. it's for the win. london is about to get their first naked restaurant in a movement show will make english food less appetizing. now you can eat spotted dick while spotting dick the.
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bunyadi will be free from phones, electric lighting an sanitized seating. the wait list is already over 8500 people long because it's a wonderfully scenic place to veurks i swear it gets bigger, ben. so comedians since this naked restaurant is brand new i would like you to write their slogan. we will have the answers when we come back on "@midnight." why am i a fan of applebee's fan favorites quesadilla burger? it's a burger... inside a quesadilla. genius. hot... melty... cheese. fresh... pico de gallo. woah. mind blown. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank. and they traveled this country... ...on foot. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste.
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[announcer]: 6 seconds on the my man, dwyane wade! you got this. you cool. cool like a penguin in a tank top. cool like a convertible with a snowplow. like a streaker at a hockey game. like a finger roll in february. cool like a yeti eating frozen spaghetti. wooo! ♪ the cool, crisp flavor of gatorade frost. play cool.
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welcome back to "@midnight." this is for the win. i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i am read your answers aloud, you will decide the winner. before the break i toll but a naked london restaurant that brings a new meaning the term bangers and mash and asked you to write their slogan. let's' see what you wrote. first one. pretty good. or. number two. >> chris: number two, who is number two. adam conover has won the
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internet. congratulations. great job, alice. adam is the funniest person in the next 23 and a half hour, we'll see you monday our guests will be danny, christopher and alanna masterson. three mastersons on one stage. keep the game going by tweeting. i'm@hardwick have a great weekend. i'll see you next week. [tender piano music] - [sighs] there you are. i've been looking all over for you. about last night... - what about last night? - i can't stop thinking about it. two bodies becoming one. what's wrong? - i'm pregnant, you fool. [guitar strumming] [door opens] quick, hide. - hello, darling. i wrote you a song about last night. - last night? - what are you doing here? - visiting my baby mama. - please, stop. - uh-oh. hey, party people! who wants a piña colada? [beach music playing] you want a piña colada?

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