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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 27, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds-- this happened at the snapchat. polls today! with primaries across the northeast today, one thing we're seeing more than ever before this election season is hordes and hordes of pumped-up millennial voters! which is why new hampshire had to ban ballot selfies like these. officials say ballot selfies could lead to voter fraud and coercion, but how else would you let your ex-boyfriend connor know you're doing fine without him and just living your life and making america great again. snapchat thought the same thing. so they filed an amicus brief last week defending ballot selfies. for the record, snapchat also never liked connor. he's a [beep]. snapchat's lawyers said: "the ballot selfie captures the very essence of that political process as it happens, and thus dramatizes the power that one person has to influence our
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government." also wao *e [beep] conner. i added the last part. what are you waiting for? pull out that dick, snap a pic, and send the most patriotic selfie you ever took! as silly as this may seem, i know how the power of the internet can be used to reach people and inspire them, so, comedians, what are some other ways to inspire millennials to get out and vote? sara, go! >> the two choices by each candidate are yas queen and by felicia. >> chris: anthony. >> a free mustache wax with every vote. kreufpl yes. keep the mustaches for the kids of -rpblg for the kids. >> chris: jimmy carr. >> vice president kanye. then you have the kanye west wing. >> chris: yes. make honey boo boo a supreme justice of the court. she's not old enough. who cares our country is a [beep] reality show. it's time to start "@midnight."
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. in the soon to be country of kardashia. tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight's comedians are: performing at the american comedy company in san diego. may 15, it's sara schaefer. [cheers and applause] >> chris: did you see the trump shr-r sanders debate. this is trump here. >> chris: from "trump vs. bernie: debate for america," premiering tomorrow night on fusion, it's anthony atamanuik. [cheers and applause] here he is a flawless trump here. so amazing. >> thank you.
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>> thank you for coming back as a regular person. >> now i'm just a worm with legs. >> chris: his hour special "funny business" is streaming on netflix-- it's jimmy carr. [cheers and applause] >> it's a yate pleasure for you to have me here. >> chris: it is. jimmy has amazing paigion shows in england. we're a minor gremlin offspring of what you do there. >> it's lovely of me to be here. [laughing] ithis is fun i love you show. >> chris: let's see who you are playing for. sara, you are playing for @careyanneb. anthony, you are playing for @cheltzb. jimmy, you are playing for @karmi138. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here are trending things that you're just going to have to deal with, whether you like them
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or not! first up is "running man challenge." the running man challenge is the latest dance craze sweeping the internet. it started with college athletes shaking their cut, hunky, ofte [cheers and applause] >> chris: come on this is the -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: running manure running in place. this is the run. this is, this is what m millennials do. they [beep] up everything and make it lazier. i can't believe i grandpa gen x
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yelled at someone about the running man. [ applause ] >> think it's fun. they will probably tweak your dose aplg. you will be fine. >> chris: maybe another dose here on the back of the net. it started with college athletes shaking their cut, hunky, often shirtless thangs to the '90s r&b hit "my boo," which is the song that i lost my virginity to. i'm kidding. the song i lost my virginity to was "hotline bling." 2015 was the best! >> i wonder what mine is going to be. this trend has been mostly delightful, but, like all temporary oases of online coolness, it has been unceremoniously shanked by a dagger made of middle-aged lameness. comedians, who killed the running man challenge-- bon jovi dancing with ellen degeneres, or a south carolina local news team? >> south carolina lock al news team. >> chris: i believe you moiety be correct. let's take a look.
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♪ [laughing] >> wow, that's the end of television. i can't believe that. [laughing] >> chris: the creepiest thing about this is the guy with the cardboard cut out of his co-worker here. that's not terrifying as well. ( sleazy voice ) "even though flesh deborah won't touch me, cardboard deborah is glad to receive my seed." and this [beep] road garden here. >> i bet cardboard debra has seen terrible things. i tell you one thing about kaordboard debra she's laminated. >> chris: a hundred points to jimmy carr for. that
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>> chris: next up the chicken. look at these amazing goings on. i laugh every time i see it. i'm sa years old. these are posted by a imagery user. [laughing] >> chris: is this what they're teaching kids in school these days? the balls are some how outside the scrotum hovering that way like two moons. what do you suppose this man is teaching? jimmy. >> i presume it's ethics at trump university. >> chris: points. >> that's the logo. chris: yes. sara. >> points -- [laughing] >> you can't just give yourself points. >> i was vision boarding it in my head. [laughing]
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>> wood shop. chris: yes, of course it's wood shop. points. tony. >> homo echo tphoplics. chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. it's time for our #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] well, it's almost may, and we are entering what www.newyorkpost.com is already calling "the worst allergy season ever." pollen is everywhere, whether you want it or not! it's like nature's kardashian. so, to get us ready for this sniffly time of year, tonight's hashtag is #makeamoviesick. examples: "mad cow: furry road" and "ten things i hate about gout." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, combine. tony. >> diving ms. aidsey. jim: skreuply. >> there will be blood in your stool.
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>> chris: yes. tony. >> shipping -lz all the way. chris: points. jimmy. >> polio and juliet. chris: tony. >> big tumor in little china. chris: points. jimmy carr. >> rosemary's rabies. chris: sara. >> pink eyes wide shut. chris: tony. >> herpes the love bug. chris: sara. >> beauty and the yeast infection. >> chris: jimmy clarks arr. >> -- spina bifida. chris: saeur aeufrpblgts schindler listeria. >> lawrence of ma layer ya. chris: that's the end of #hashtagwars. send us your #makeamoviesick and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @thebrianrdavis. well done!
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♪ ♪ 4 by 4 by land, 4 by 4 by sea ♪ ♪ 4 by 4 by air - 'cause i like to fly free ♪ ♪ 4 my country and how it all started out ♪ ♪ 4 the brave and every boy scout ♪ ♪ 4 doin' it yourself cuz you want it done right ♪ ♪ 4 by 4 the top down - stars keep ya up at night ♪ ♪ 4 by 4 every one of our seventy-five years ♪ ♪ 4 by 4 the wave - that's how we say 'cheers' ♪ ♪ that's how we live ♪ 4 by 4ever and intellectual propertylines about bubeing stolen.g hacked that is cyber-crime. and it affects each and every one of us. microsoft created the digital crimes unit to fight cyber-crime. we use the microsoft cloud to visualize information so we can track down the criminals. when it comes to the cloud, trust and security are paramount. we're building what we learn back into the cloud to make people and organizations safer.
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[ upbeat music ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i have a special premiere this
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weekend "funcomfortable," saturday at 10:00. i have programmed all movies and shows and stuff. ya, watch it this saturday night 10:00 p.m. on comedy central. now it's time to play "s.s. hole." recently, britain's natural environment research council asked the internet what to name their new research vessel, and the voters named it "boaty mcboatface" because that's what the internet does. it names things "blanky mcblankface." the enter net loves fun boat names. you may say it's a vast waste land. oh i just [beep] myself. here is my perm favor here. here it is tighten your anus. hong kong, what does that mean? comedians, for 250 points, i'm going to show you some boats with stupid names and ask you a few questions about them.
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let's start with good ol' "superdong." what happened to superdong? tony. >> it got lost on it's way to clit island which is located in a cove with a giant hood over it. >> chris: alright. tough to find. points. jimmy. >> the ocean go down on it? chris: points. sara schaefer. >> too many sea men onboard. had to unload. kreufpl well done. [ applause ] >> chris: next one, "yeah buoy!" from milwaukee, wisconsin. what are some fun things to do on a boat in milwaukee? tony. >> immediately commit suicide. chris: points. jimmy carr. >> troy goat up to 90 on the freeway. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: next, this boat owner has quite the sordid dating history. why did he break up with florence?
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they seemed so good together. what happened, skreuply. >> it turned out the boat had crabs. >> chris: points. well done. tony. >> this is actually robert durst's boat. >> chris: points. yes. >> yat yat yat >> chris: next up, here's my s.s. "fartbutt." >> is that pull my finger? chris: this looks like a sad fart butt boat. who's appearing in the nightclub on the fartbutt? >> i don't know who is appearing. i know they're serving chili. >> chris: tony. >> stank sinatra. >> come on. [ applause ] >> chris: points. i thought it was dean fartin.
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[laughing] >> chris: sara. >> daisy as par jay-z as part od punishment for cheating on beyonce. >> nobody says anything about bow ons beyonce and me. >> chris: and finally the "cheating husband." what's the final destination of a cruise on the cheating husband? >> if hillary winds the white house driveway. >> chris: points. points. [cheers and applause] sara. >> jay-z's house. chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of "s.s. hole." it's time for our live challenge senior prom.
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mark this day on your calendar. a senior prom for the elderly so they could bust the move and not a hip. the theme was under the sea. "my friends from the titanic are." lock how sweet they are. look at this lady in a farside cartoon. you can. >> oh, those are guilt. chris: g guilts. >> i like me a little granny panty. >> that means something different from where he's. >> chris: something different over there. >> into it means what you think it means. [laughing] but they even named a prom queen and king, seen here right after he orchestrated the red wedding. so comedians, as this senior senior prom king, please give your coronation speech.
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we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight!
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about a nursing home prom that probably smells just delightful, and i asked you to give me a speech from the elderly prom king. let's see what you came up with. tony, let's start with you. >> don't worry, no one poured flood on me my forehead has thin veins and it bleeds on it's own. >> chris: points. nice. [ applause ] >> chris: jimmy carr. >> this is a memory i will hold on for the rest of my -- where am i? [laughing] >> are you my nephew? who [beep] my pants. >> chris: alright. sara schafer. >> bring me the final golden girl, i will make her my queen. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> chris: well done. everyone is pretty equal a thousand points for that round.
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[ applause ] >> chris: it's time for, "it's going down, then across!" today was tuesday, the day that many smug crossword puzzle enthusiasts often consider the easiest day of the week. i have so many things to do. and since nothing makes better television than word games, we thought, why not play a crossword-type game with our panel of comedians and make you laugh until you ( bleep ) your will shortz. so comedians, i'm going to give you a word or phrase that might appear in a crossword puzzle and i want you to give me the clue that might lead you there. first up: foggy -- garfield. >> what i call my vagina because it hates people. >> chris: points. >> and it loves lasagna. [laughing] >> my pussy loves lasagna would be a great name for a special. >> chris: an album, a beyonce
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album. next up. low to the ground. >> bernie sanders balls. chris: yes. undisputable fact. next one easy on the eyes. tony. >> little kim talking to her plastic surgeon. >> chris: points. next up, love. love. tony. >> it's a lie, chris. a lie! >> chris: points. >> would kurt co wine's killer be too harsh for that. >> take my points and give them to him. >> chris: i am transferring tony's points to jimmy for. that. [ applause ] >> chris: next: reddit. >> a region in middle earth where trolls live. >> chris: very well done. >> chris: that's the end of "it's going down, then across!" sara stkhaeufr you're in last
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place. any last words. >> who ever the girl is i'm playing for tonight. i don't remember her name or anything. but i'm so sorry. [laughing] >> chris: i'm sure it will be fine we're bathing you in beautiful red light. red light. [cheers and applause] >> they turned you evil. chris: evil sarah. >> chris: that means we need everyone out of the pool-- it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause] iceland is a weird little isld with some peculiar rules and traditions. a few years ago they created an incest warning app in an effort to keep icelanders from. ( bleep ) their cousins, and -- that would suck if it was ten seconds behind. ahhh. they once made strip clubs and owning a snake illegal, i guess,
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i guess to keep mickey rourke from visiting. well now, public pools in reykjavik are posting signs like this in locker rooms. the rules state: "don't dry your ball sack with the communal hairdryer in the pool." i thefrpg it's safe to say you don't speak icelandic. so comedians, i think it's probably safe to say that none of you speak icelandic. if you happened to wander into a public pool to wash up after finger-bjorking your cousin, and you saw this sign, it'd probably cause some confusion. so i want you to give me another possible translation for the headline on this weird icelandic poster. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. i have a blog called "daddy doing work", it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad. windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer. that's crazy. macbooks are not able to do that. "hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon"
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i need that in my world. anything that makes my life easier, i'm using. and windows is doing that. outback's steak & lobsterd! starting at $14.99 for a limited time, we're searing up america's boldest steaks, with classic steamed lobster, or old bay butter lobster. steak & lobster starting at just $14.99? it's dinnertime at outback.
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[ upbeat music ] >> chris: welcome to "@midnight." it's time for the win. i will wipe your scores clean. it's up to you, the audience will decide the winner. before the break i showed you this poster. i asked you for another possible headline for it let's see what you rote. first one ... one night only john mccain's [beep] ballet. [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: that will get an extended run. or ... proposal for new japanese flag
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voted down. [ applause ] number one was the winner. who was number one? tony wins. with the john [beep] mccain ballet. congratulations. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be tony hale, tim simons and reid scott. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #makeamoviesick and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams, chrishardwick on tosh.o is intended for mature audiences. comedy central does not condone the activities performed and discouragings anyone from attempting them. enjoy.

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