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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 28, 2016 2:40am-3:11am PDT

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cnn on the other hand, cnn thought they could fool people by insisting every tuesday is supertuesday. >> welcome to supertuesday number four. >> supertuesday four. >> it's supertuesday number four. >> supertuesday number four. >> it's supertuesday four. >> supertuesday four. >> larry: yes, supertuesday four, the characters you have grown to hate back together again for one last delegate heist. cnn had not one by two tables of panelists with nothing left to say about these candidates. >> we're all sort of waiting to see which donald trump will show up. >> i think there is one dn all trump, i'm sorry to say this. but i think it's one donald trump who sometimes behaves one way and who sometimes behaves another way. >> like everybody else, i would add. >> right. (laughter). >> larry: i don't think anyone thought there were actually two physical donald trumps. but thanks for clearing that up, cnn. i appreciate it. larry king must be rolling over in his grave, you guys.
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i'm sorry, what's that? larry king's still alive? hey, msnbc, here's your breaking news. right there, that's it. (applause) all right. here to discuss his plan and how to keep things exciting in two political races that are now clearly over the news consultants for cnn clyde wood. (cheers and applause) nice to see you. now clyde, how is cnn going to keep things exciting now that the races are pretty of all but decided. >> oh, larry, this thing is far from over. as we said on last night's coverage of the supertuesday four, the awakening. (laughter) >> jesus, cnn, supertuesday four, the awakening? i thought there was only one supertuesday. >> really? why don't you tell that to next
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week's st five, supertuesday five, more superrer. >> larry: okay, please, enough with all this ridiculous technology. cnn should vus cover the news and not resort to gimmicks to keep us interesting. the countdown clock, hollo grams. >> slow down. >> larry: what? >> we do not use holograms any more. >> larry: good, that's a start. >> we are doing something totally better. we're doing snapchat face transplanting technology. it is so-- it is off the charts. i can put anybody's face on my body. check this out, hold on. look, look, i'm ted cruz. >> hello. >> i'm crazy, look at this picture. we don't have to wait for the news to come in, we can just make the news. >> i'm ted cruz and i'm running for president and i will outlaw sex. ha, ha, ha. >> larry: you can't just make up news. that's not your job. >> it's not even-- not even a little bit? we can't make up the news a
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little bit, larry, huh? not a little bit? are you sure about that? a little bit of news? >> larry: is that robert de niro. come on now. >> come on, hmmmm, you talking to me? are you talking to me? >> larry: yes, i'm talking to you. i'm-- look, you will never get a respectable cnn news anchor to do this ridiculous stuff. >> are you sure, because i'm wolf blitzer. and i have no problem making up the news. this just in, ted cruz's war on sex heats up. >> larry: you cannot get away with this. it's not. >> you can't get away with this. -- i'm larry wilmore. look at me. i don't-- i don't understand how to make news great. hey, its' time to go to commercial. i can't stop holding in this fart any more. >> okay, you got it, larry. >> thank you, to commercial. >> larry: that's not me. >> it's my show, it's my show, listen to me. >> larry: we'll be right back.
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fine. that's not me. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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who don't have access thto basic banking,on people but that is changing. at temenos, with the microsoft cloud, we can enable a banker to travel to the most remote locations with nothing but a phone and a tablet. everywhere where there's a phone, you have a bank. now a person is able to start a business, and employ somebody for the first time. the microsoft cloud helped us to bring banking to ten million people in just two years. it's transforming our world. (ricky gervais) verizon is the number one network in america. i know what you're thinking, they all claim stuff like that. yeah, but some of them stretch the truth.
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one said they were the fastest. we checked, it was fastest in kansas city and a few other places. verizon is consistently fast across the country. you wouldn't want to hear from the bloke who packs your parachute, "it's good over kansas." do you know what i mean? so that's, you know... anywhere else, splat. only verizon is the #1 network for consistently fast speeds. and now if you buy a samsung galaxy s7 edge you get one free. >> larry: welcome back. now beyonce's album lemonade has cautioned quite a stir on the internet sparking controversies, think pieces and twitter. and now franchesca ramsey with her segment hash it out. >> thanks, larry. yup, this week has been all about lemonade. beyonce's new visual album is the musical journey of a woman scorned by her cheating husband because as the saying goes when life hands you lemonsk drag your [bleep] cheating husband and
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collect your grammy. that is before kayne tries to collect those grammys for you. personally, i loved lemonade. but obviously when beyonce drops an album there is one person we all want to hear from. one oracle of wisdom who can cut through the noise and celebrate black womanhood to its proper place. i'm talking about cnn failed host piers morgan. so what did piers more began have to say. let's look at some of his tweets. >> to clarify i love bo yons and lemonade is a good album but i didn't like the rationally charged video that went with it. he is ma because the music video for the song freedom includes the mothers of trayvon martin, eric garner and michael brown. it is a sad but powerful moment in a song about overcoming the odds and fighting for what is right. apparently advoity kaing for black lives gets piers nickers in a twist. i said nickers, you guysk i'm not some sort of piers morgan over here. his next tweet says i've always been consistently against gun
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control. beyonce suddenly turned political there is a difference. sure, you consistently been against gun control, you have also consistently been a douche bag. first off, music has always been political. ever heard of bob marly or john lennon or bill clinton playing sax on arsenio? as far as i'm concerned, beyonce's music has always been polit ka. bill, bill, bills was clearly about raising the minimum wage. single ladies, the ultimate marriage equality theme song. crazy in love about funding mental health infrastructure. frequentu m dress impose tariffs on dresses. and par tition, that is just about [bleep] in a limousine. but as the internet does, people felt they needed to jump into the conversation and cosign this foolishness totally uninvited. i agree with piers morgan. i'm black and i believe beyonce has exploited our race for album
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sales. let her prove she hasn't by donating. u m, prove it? how, oh, you mean like the millions she spent to help victims to help hurricane katrina or benefit concert for haiti or contributions to bail out the black lives matter activists in ferguson and baltimore. not to mention all that stage time she donated to coldplay during the super bowl. come on. but that is piers more began because of course he wasn't done. am i even allowed to listen to beyonce's new album given my white skin color? i'm confused. >> yeah, well, i'm confused by the way british people spell color. and you can absolutely enjoy lemonade, and you should. but you also have to realize that this album isn't about you. that's why beyonce featured an ultimate black girl squad including serena williams fsm lemonade was about you, piers morgan, it would have been called metamucil.
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(cheers and applause) look, piers, it's like if you try to wear a pear of apple bottom jeans. sure, you can get them on. but without a big booty they might not fit that well. it doesn't mean that you can't wear them, but you're going to have a hard time feeling totally comfortable because they weren't created for your comfort. so if you are cool with that, then go ahead and get into formation. and if you are not, then in the words of beyonce, please, suck my balls. (cheers and applause). >> larry: franchesca ramsey, everybody. everybody. we'll be right back.
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♪ (catchy upbe♪ music) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> larry: welcome back. nightly show distribute ericy velez. and nightly show contributor franchesca ramsey, and he plays george washington in the broadway smash hit "hamilton," emmy and grammy award-winning actor, musician and composer, chris jackson. and for everyone at home join our conversation right now on twitter@nightly using the hashtag tonightly. so i will talk about what you just talked about. the whole controversy surrounding beyonce's album lemonade. some people are criticizing her for getting all political and real saying she should leave that alone and just stick to music. others are praising her for making a stand. why are people so upset that beyonce is evolving as an artist. >> because it is 2016 and people love to bitch, larry, that's what it is. if you your biggest problem in 2016 is beyonce, kill yourself. end it. >> oh no. >> larry: is that what it is?
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>> that simple. >> listen, i think the big thing is that a lot of people felt like beyonce was a safe flak, she has light skin and blond hair and they're like she's not that-- she's not going to talk about black issues and got tricked because they had to remember that she she's actually black and that she can talk about black [bleep] >> larry: right, i like people think there is some black expiration thing happening. suddenly wakes up the black alarm clock that goes off. all right. you think people are making too much of this? i mean what did you think of it? >> my take is that as long as you call yourself an artist and you put things out in the world to be artistic and to say something, you better follow the path and follow the inspiration that you have. otherwise you're not an artist. >> larry: right. >> absolutely. >> people both want their artists to evolve and demand that they stand still at the same time. what is so controversial about her album anyway.
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>> it blows my mind that the controversy is about her supporting black lives matter and standing up for the moth errs who lost people to police violence. i am more upset about the fact that jay-z cheated on beyonce. i don't-- like that's where my mind is, like wait, i don't understand. that makes no sense. >> do you have a problem with the album. >> larry: the whole jay-z thing. >> every time she comes out with a song with him cheating my girl walks around the apartment like i did it. >> it's true though. >> i know, i know what you are doing, ricky. i know, jay is the same way. >> it's true. i've in a very happy relationship. and that album made me almost break up with my husband. >> larry: unnerving. >> i was like i don't need you in my life. he was like i didn't do anything. i am like, it just-- . >> larry: she talked about wearing another woman's skin, that is like a silence of the lamb type of thing. >> but at the same time you're dating an ex-drug dealer. you don't want drug dealer [bleep] than don't marry one,
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i'm sorry. >> larry: i like when people say she transcends race what does that mean. i never understood that. >> that is another thing that white people say to make other white people comfortable. >> larry: how can you transcend. >> i don't mind saying it. my momma's white. i'm just saying. since when do we have to transcend anything other than being black and having to deal with the kinds of things that only black people have to deal with. >> larry: you never tell a white person you transcend race. >> nope, you don't. >> eminem. >> larry: he transcends race. >> he transcended, i mean come on-- . >> larry: i think eminem was poaching race, not transcending race. >> a white kid with a do-rag on, larry. >> larry: thank you, poaching. >> at the end of the day race is the no the problem. racism is. and beyonce is still black no matter whether you feel comfortable seeing her as black or not. and that's something you have to transcend. are you not seeing me for who i am because i'm black all the time. >> absolutely, absolutely.
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but i don't-- (applause) i don't-- i think that the conversation when eminem kaiment out but i don't think he transcends anything, i they he is one of the-- rapee and that is why we love and appreciate him. he disn shy away from the fact that he was white and everyone paid attention to that at first. but clearly that brother has got game. >> i agree he has game but i think he also had to adapt to-- not being a white guy. >> wow, this white dude can rap. >> but even so, he has owned everything that he. is forget that i'm white, i'm broke. i'm poor. you know what i mean. i have it just as bad as anyone else who is broke and poor. and i very much like our show, i have written my way out of my circumstances. i have figured out what i do, and i'm going to capitalize on that no matter what. and more than anything else, like if we stop reducing artists
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to just this or just that. stop reducing artists. >> larry: she wanted to be regarded as more than that. and it's not that easy, she wants to be regarded as something, she's just making a statement, you know, in what she is doing. some people, let me ask you, do you think beyonce's big enough that she can actually change people's mind. because she is on a level that is rare where she is right now. >> absolutely. i think people love celebrities. look, we have a reality tv star oning for-- running for president. people love celebrities. and so if beyonce says, takes a stand and people are inspired by it, i would rather have a celebrity who is advocating for black lives matter rather than [bleep] on mexicans and muslims coming. (cheers and applause). >> larry: do you think there is a risk when an artist takes controversial stand. >> hopefully. >> larry: yeah.
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exactly. >> i think great artists are supposed to cost the art something, coming from the artist, you can't get that back. it is going to take something from you. but hopefully the conversation, the dialogue, the change and what is happening will fill you back up or you take a break, you read a book, you go sit in a quiet meadow somewhere and figure out what the next is. but it is our job as artists, it's a responsibility to say something that is going to affect change, at least start a conversation. and if we can get past the point of well, she shouldn't be an activist, she sunt sh be black, she shouldn't be this, she should be everything that god made her to be. please, just be that. be that. >> larry: all right, we'll be right back right after this. if you live in the new york city area or are planning to visit grab some free tickets to the nightly show. i have a blog called "daddy doing work", it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad.
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windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer. that's crazy. macbooks are not able to do that. "hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon" i need that in my world. anything that makes my life easier, i'm using. and windows is doing that.
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hey, can we get some beers? beer! ice cold beer! what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer. >> larry: all right, thanks so
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my guests ricky velez, franchesca ramsey and chris jackson. good nightly, everyone. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds- this happened on youtube. the trailer for the new oliver stone movie "snowden" is out, and it's got everything! strip clubs, explosions, duck hunting and dumb hats, nicholas cage, chandelier p.o.v. ( bleep ), joseph gordon levitt shushing people, spock, joseph gordon levitt shushing other people, and most importantly, a bitching visual representation of the internet! i'll show you what i mean: >> how is this all possible?
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>> think of it as a goggle search. all that is public and everything else. e-mails, chats, whatever. >> which people? >> the whole kingdom, snow white. >> chris: i chew gum i know this [beep]. i know [beep]. people who don't chew gum don't know [beep]. i know [beep]. >> i'm talking to you. chris: is this what oliver stone thinks the internet looks like. a weird tron gasim. whenever hollywood has to depict hacking, they try to make it look exciting, like liberace stepped on a landmine. comedians, i want you to give me another way to make mundane internet activity look sexy and interesting. tony, go! >> intent dub step music players and isolated people sit alone
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looking for community. [ applause ] >> chris: reid. >> the microsoft paper clip will be played by jason statham. >> chris: yes. >> intense. >> you want me to open the next cell file for you. >> chris: i will open this [beep] file. >> wait, mate, did you mean to put that in the trash. >> chris: i know you didn't mean to put that in the [beep] trash. tim sig syme simons. >> sorry there is no way to make a refresh of a twitter page sexy. >> chris: i hope we can make the show sexy. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have three co-stars from "veep," season five airing sundays on hbo. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: in an offering of the various forms of white guy in the world. [laughing] he plays gary walsh, it's tony hale. [cheers and applause] >> chris: he plays dan egan, it's reid scott. [cheers and applause] >> chris: he plays jonah ryan, it's tim simons. [cheers and applause] >> chris: isn't it weird you work on a show, political satire. not nearly as [beep] crazy as what is going on right now. >> if they scripted what was going on people would be like it's too broad. too much. >> chris: they wouldn't believe it
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ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here's a list of today's top internet trends. chris, when you're watching this later, remember to buy milk. first up, "denim? hell, it damn near killed him." pro wrestler roman reigns, who sounds like a pompeiian porn star, recently lost at wrestlemania and is also wrestling with his pants past. an old picture of him wearing these mom jeans resurfaced, and the internet handled it with all the tact you might expect. like this comment. "'lost custody of your kids' denim." "y'all leave roman 'bud light in a bottle denim pants' reigns alone!" this is mean, guys. everyone had a pair of those true religion jeans in 2003. some hung onto them. it was fine. 2003 was a good time. [ applause ] comedians, let's cheer him up and say something nice about his jeans.
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teufpl simons. >> you can wear them anywhere. to the smashmouth concert, a entourage fan convention, the courthouse when you have to register as a sex offender. [laughing] >> the skwraepbdz really bring out your unfurnished apartment. [laughing] >> weird. >> i just bought this house and the jeans. >> chris: i'm sitting here waiting for a delivery of furniture and more jeans. tony. >> feel good wear them. you don't look like you feel good. a little constipated. >> chris: a little constipated. >> chris: next, "domo arigato." looking at the internet, you'd think japan is just filled with perverts making robots. but it's so much more! it's a beautiful nation with a proud and complex culture that deserves our respect! that being said, what is the
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latest perverted japanese robot? a, robot octopus with fleshlight tentacle tips, a robot-tongue that licks anime girls on computer screens, or a star wars-inspired fellate bot called bbw-8? >> oh. chris: reid. >> hands down, c a star wars inspired sex bot called bbw-8. >> chris: we would like that. the real answer is more disturbing. >> oh, god. oh. [ applause ] >> chris: i know. who would of thought the weirdest one was the right answer. as if your mom catching you masturbating wasn't embarrassing enough, now you have to explain why there's a severed tongue flopping around. "you are grounded! i'm going to confiscate this to teach you a lesson. now don't tell your father we had this talk. and when i come back here, i better not see a robot fist with


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