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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 3, 2016 2:10am-2:41am PDT

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which consists of renaissance classics and more avant-garde pieces. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> and the next president of the united states, ted cruz! captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> larry: thank you very much! thank you! thank you very much! (cheers and applause) (audience chanting larry) thank you so much. welcome to "the nightly show." so kind. i'm larry wilmore. so house of your weekend? (cheers and applause) mine was pretty good. i hosted a little dinner party with a few friends -- me, don lemon, the president -- you know, my boys. right? and i was wrapping up my little speech and giving the president some props, telling him how much i appreciated him being the first black president and what that meant to me. and i buttoned it with a little... let's say, uh, colloquialism. >> larry: so, mr. president,
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if i'm going to keep it 100, yo barry. you did it, my nigga. you did it. >> larry: thank you very much! (cheers and applause) now, there was a lot of reaction online, many people were upset about it, many people supported it. like the president himself, the reaction was mixed. oh, shoot. i did it again! (laughter) i'm fine. don't make those jokes, larry. seriously, though. i completely understand why people would be upset about that -- it's a very charged word, i get it. but there was one particular critique from across the pond that brings up a very important distinction. piers morgan. star of stage and screen, professional beyonce-disliker. he -- (laughter) he quoted me as saying,
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>> yo, barry, you did it, my n * + *er. ♪ wait, are you saying i called the president a "nigger"? that's horrible. i would never do that! i believe i said, "yo barry, you did it, my nigg-a." there's a difference. piers, you did not properly conjugate that slur. (cheers and applause) very important. nigger is what white people used to denigrate, demean and dehumanize black people. and "nigga" is a term of endearment some black people use between each other to take back that power. now you also said in your article, "larry, you're not a n * + *er and nor is barack oba" i know! stop calling us that! stop it! stop it! (applause)
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conjugate the slur! (laughter) and then also don't use it. trust me on that. don't do it. dodon't do it,. all right, on that note, it's time to check in on what's happening with the unblackening. ♪ this weekend just happened to be the 24th anniversary of the brutal 1992 rodney king riots in los angeles. all right, donald trump, you got a lot of people together in california on friday. how did you celebrate it? >> chaos outside a donald trump rally. things really got out of hand at a campaign stop in california. >> larry: donald, that's so thoughtful. you know, the traditional gift for a 24th anniversary is a race riot. that's why it's so hard to make it to the 25th. still, according to trump, violence at his rallies is nothing compared to what america is facing from its trade relationship with china. >> we're like the piggy bank that's being robbed. we can't continue to allow china
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to rape our country, and that's what they're doing. it's the greatest theft in the history of the world. >> larry: actually, the greatest theft in the history of the world was the lufthansa heist followed by d.b. cooper, and when gru and those minions stole the moon -- and i'm not even counting the cheaters stealing the super bowl from the seahawks. not even counting that. that's right! i went there! i went there! (cheers and applause) of course, this isn't the first time trump has mentioned rape to discuss his foreign policy. >> when mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. they're bringing drugs. they're bringing crime. they're rapists. >> larry: so let me get this straight. trump believes that china is raping exports, while mexico is exporting rapists? i don't know what focus group you're relying on for your metaphors... but whoever told you that's the way to get the swing vote was mace taken.
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-- was mistaken. yet despite these unsettling comments, trump is a lot more upset about a controversial comment secretary clinton made about trump last week. >> i have a lot of experience dealing with men who sometimes get off the reservation in the way they behave and how they speak. >> she used a certain word. off the reservation. men that are off the reservation. and i said to myself, that's a horrible expression. >> larry: yes, the word "reservation" is horrible. that's why when i call a restaurant for a table, i always say, "can i please make an r-word?" (laughter) i recommend that. i recommend that. or an r star-star-star-star-star-star -- (cheers and applause) something like that. all right. actually, i have to give credit to trump here. which is something i said i.d. never do -- like download tidal. man, i am "really" breaking my promises this week. but using "get off the
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reservation" as an insult is very offensive to native americans. isn't that right, trump? >> that's a very demeaning remark to men, in my opinion. (audience reacts) >> larry: demeaning to men?! (sarcastic) yeah, men have it so hard in this country, especially orange men. come on, trump, tell me you at least have "some" idea that hillary's comment might be offensive to native americans. how disconnected can you be? >> i won't even bring up the fact that the indians have gone wild on that statement. you know that, okay? >> larry: that's really disconnected. and by the way, "indians gone wild?" one of the more underrated spring break videos ever. too soon? (laughter) it's too soon for me to make those jokes right now. (laughter) what jokes can i make?! ahhh! okay. here to explain his most recent incendiary comments, please welcome g.o.p. presidential frontrunner donald trump.
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(cheers and applause) hey donald! >> trump: thank you, thank you. congratulations for having me on your show. and congratulations, larry. credit where credit is due -- you did an unbelievable job saturday night. >> larry: oh... wow! thanks? i thought maybe you would come on and say something rude. >> trump: not tonight, larry. you and me, buddy. we're the same. brothers, really. it was fantastic. >> larry: wait. no, no, no, no, no... we're definitely not the same. >> trump: sure, we are. brothers from a different mother. well, from a different mother. except mine wasn't black. >> larry: okay. this is making me uncomfortable. >> trump: not as uncomfortable as the media saturday night. i mean, that was fantastic. you killed those poor bastards -- and they really are
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poor, so sad, they all dress like hobos. i mean -- >> larry: i didn't -- >> trump: you slayed them. i haven't seen a black destroy like that since the baltimore riots. (audience reacts) you left that room like a cvs. you really did. >> larry: hold on a second. first of all, i was just joking. i did it in the spirit of a roast. it was all in good fun. >> trump: this is the big leagues, larry. sometimes you have to get your hands dirty -- but you're inciting violence with your rhetoric. i'm so proud of you. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: violence? i didn't incite violence! >> trump: yes, you did. look what happened after your speech. a fight, that's a sign of a good, divisive speech! >> larry: hold on. hold on. i feel like we have different standards of what we think was a good night. >> trump: no, no, wilmore and trump -- exactly the same.
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sympatico. really, i can't tell where my normal regular skin ends and where your black skin begins. >> larry: that's horrible! we're not close! we couldn't be further apart! >> trump: you used the n-word on o-bama! i mean, c'mon, so bold. so courageous. such a terrific choice. personally, i was going to wait until my inauguration to do that. >> trump: this is terrible! this is not what i intended, you're awful! >> trump: no, larry. "we're" awful. >> larry: we are not awful! we are not in the same boat! >> trump: listen, what are you doing the next four years? i need a running mate who will appeal to the "blacks." >> trump: no thanks! and we're not at all alike. donald trump, everybody. we'll be right back!
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i have a blog called "daddy doing work", it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad.
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windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer. that's crazy. macbooks are not able to do that. "hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon" i need that in my world. anything that makes my life easier, i'm using. and windows is doing that.
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: welcome back. social media is the one thing that loves to hate us almost as much as we love to hate it. here to sort through this week's online smackdowns is "the nightly show" contributor franchesca ramsey with her segment "hash it out." >> franchesca: thanks, larry! this week, one movie trailer became the most disliked in youtube history. so was it the human centipede? gigli? or "the hateful eight"! that guy drops the n-word more than larry! nope. it's the new female front ghostbusters trailer. because the internet is afraid of women who ain't afraid of no ghosts. let's take a look at some of the youtube comments. >> as a man, i feel attacked by this film because this film just exists to satisfy feminists.
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as a woman, i feel attacked when you don't proofread your comments. here's one -- this is what happens when you let feminists reboot a classical movie. a classical movie? it's not beethoven. or even beethoven. sure, the original was funny, but let's be real, ghostbusters was made purely as a vehicle for dan akroyd to get a blow job from a sexy lady ghost. and as far as i'm concerned, if leslie jones doesn't get her carpet munched by a ghost, i'm going to be so pissed off. (cheers and applause) seriously, why wasn't "that" in the trailer? or this -- "it'd be one thing if they had one, or two women, but all of them are women and it is pushing far too much. ah, yes, because women busting ghosts is way more unbelievable
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than the actual existence of (bleep) ghosts?! do you really think that women can't deal with scary stuff? because we deal with it every day. walking past construction sites. walking to your car late at night. walking through comic-con as a fully-clothed princess leia. forget construction sites, that (bleep)'s terrifying. and how about this? this is what political correctness looks like in movies. political correctness in running hollywood. what's next? a trans indiana jones or a black rocky balboa... black rocky? ive got bad news for you, sir. it was called creed. and it was awesome. (cheers and applause) and if you think a trans indiana jones is going to ruin the franchise? might i remind you of a little film called kingdom of the crystal skull? and why does political correctness come up when women happen to be in genres that have excluded us in the past? i thought in other words were
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supposed to be underdogs, not bullies. this is, like, if captain america beat up scrawny pre-captain america steve rogers, or if your local dungeon master suddenly made all the players unicorn riders or arctic druids for no good reason! give "ghostbusters" a chance. maybe it will be good. maybe it will be bad. but it's not the fact that it's "women" that will make it that way. just look at batman vs. superman, you guys destroyed that all on your own. (cheers and applause) >> larry: franchesca ramsey, everyone! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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pa, will you tell me the story about colonel sanders? and how he saved fried chicken forever by making it the hard way? which means using fresh whole chickens from american farms. a milk and egg wash. hand breadin' in a slow fast food patented, pressure-frying process that takes no less than twenty-five minutes. and how cantankerous, fastidious, and handsome he was daddy? daddy? okay. see you when the rooster crows. colonel quality, guaranteed.
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sip into summertime with dunkin's frozen coolatta. freeze up the flavors of summer with a blue raspberry or any other small frozen coolatta, for $1.99. america runs on dunkin'. >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor rory albanese. (cheers and applause) "the nightly show" contributor grace parra. (cheers and applause) and you can see her in garfunkel and oates comedy special "trying to be special" available on vimeo on may 5th and in season two of "another period" starting june 15th on comedy central, actress and comedienne riki lindhome. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter "the nightly show" using #tonightly. okay. last week, donald trump said this about hillary: >> trump: well, i think the only card she has is the woman's card. she's got nothing else going. and frankly, if hillary clinton were a man, i don't think she'd get 5% of the vote.
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the only thing she's got going is the woman's card. >> larry: okay. (laughter) so when trump says playing the woman's card, what does that even mean? >> okay, i think he's trying to come to terms with the fact that women are the majority of the electorate and 70% of us ate him, want to boil his balls in a vat of oil! (cheers and applause) and that crosses party lines. >> larry: a vat of it. a vat of it, yeah. i think he's trying to come to terms with his dislikability. >> i actually brought a women's card with me. (cheers and applause) >> larry: oh! yeah, i brought one, and it actually works for a lot of things. >> larry: okay. i get maternity leave in every country but this one. that's good. >> reporter: yeah! i can use any bathroom in north carolina because i'm nonthreatening. you can earn 78 cents on the dollar. >> larry: doesn't sound all
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that great. >> i think one of you men should explain it to me, because i don't get it. (applause) >> larry: when is it a card and when is it just telling the truth? >> i don't understand the card thing, because that keeps coming up, the race card, the woman card. we're not playing magic the gathering! we're trying to get a president! doesn't make any sense. >> larry: the cards against humanity (laughter) >> without a doubt, that's what trump is playing. >> larry: that's a fact. yeah, i don't know, feels like the idea of hillary playing a woman card, she's a woman. that's just what she is. >> it happens with every single president except, oh, wait... >> yeah, it's an advantage. it never works. 's never even come close. >> larry: actually said in 2008, well, if obama hadn't been black, he wouldn't be president. what? how come we didn't knowkthis before!
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that was the secret?! >> all you have to do is run! >> larry: yeah. i don't understand why advocacy for position is playing a card. of course, hillary is going to be advocating for women's rights, she's been advocating for that a long time. anybody on that side is going to have to be advocating that. why is she playing the card? >> with madeleine albright and gloria steinem, some of the things they've stayed is vote for her! she's a woman! >> larry: that would be playing the woman card. >> though i admit to playing the woman's card when i need furniture moved (laughter) >> and i could quickly deny that card. >> i use it to get out of camping. >> larry: ah, really! how do you get out of camping with the card? >> (y) (whining) i just can't!
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i get cold! i'm on my period! it happens, like, a fourth of our lives. (laughter) >> larry: some people feel like john mccain was using the woman's card when he picked palin. i think he was using the crazy card. >> i think he thought he was using the woman's card -- how do we put her back in the cage! (laughter) >> larry: is ted cruz playing the woman card by picking carly fiorina? >> doesn't matter what he does. he's not going to win over women. his own daughter hates him and she's, like, five! (laughter) (applause) he's already turned her off just by living with her. >> larry: you have a hilarious song called "preeing wome" prege smug ." >> yes, they play the pregnant card. they get a little magical, a
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little and ma magnanimous, oh, i don't care if it's a boy or girl as long as it's healthy. which one? it makes them feel so gad but every one on earth feels that way. >> if you ask a man health or penis, they'd pick penis every time. >> i would do anything to help a pregnant woman. on the subway, i get tired, i'll be carrying a water around. (laughter) they're carrying human life in their body. i'm, like, what can i do to help you? i feel very much like that card is -- i don't know if it's a card, it's, oh, please, be careful! >> one time my period was late and i was at a pharmacy and i decided to park in the pregnant woman's spot because i didn't know and the period came the
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next day and i was fine. (applause) > i had no idea that exists s it the same as handicapped? >> it's like a baby on board spot >> larry: worth ever, when we had our first child, i was watch ago video of it once and my wife was getting out to have the car with our son, yeah, oh, honey, we're going to get out of the car and i was like, oh, (bleep)! why am i not carrying my son! who's the asshole?! (laughter) >> the video cameras are like this big. >> larry: i should not have been videoing it. it was so horrible. i should have played the woman card. >> no one can prove you wrong if you're pregnant. my ankles hurt, i can't stand. no they don't, yes they are. i'm just not showing yet. >> larry: we'll be right back. if you live in the new york city area or are planning to
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only with xfinity. (cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: thanks to my panelists -- rory albanese, grace parra, riki lindhome. and special thanks to bob dibuono as donald trump or being here. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from an audience member named jessica. let's take a look. >> hey, larry. there are two women left on the earth, and you have to repopulate the planet earth with one of them? kim davis or paula deen? which one do you pick? keep it 100. >> larry: it's got to be paula deen! that woman can cook! (cheers and applause) awesome! all the biscuits and eve

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