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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 3, 2016 2:40am-3:11am PDT

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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: thanks to my panelists -- rory albanese, grace parra, riki lindhome. and special thanks to bob dibuono as donald trump or being here. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from an audience member named jessica. let's take a look. >> hey, larry. there are two women left on the earth, and you have to repopulate the planet earth with one of them? kim davis or paula deen? which one do you pick? keep it 100. >> larry: it's got to be paula deen! that woman can cook! (cheers and applause) awesome! all the biscuits and everything!
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i can't believe i said that! goodnightly, everyone! thanks for watching! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on facebook: president obama absolutely killed at the washington correspondents' dinner this weekend and he didn't even use drones! the president did a half hour at the annual black-tie circle jerk for washington insiders and media elites that i would totally go to if i were ever invited. people online call it "nerdprom" for some reason, even though the correspondents' dinner is not full of nerds, it's full of adults who are as serious as four dick cheney heart attacks. and it's not a prom, because the only ones getting (/ bleep/ ) ae
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the american people, am i right? [cheers and applause] >> chris: come on now. who is with me. hear me out. what's up with that. ladies, let do it! let's take a look at obama's big closer. [laughing] >> chris: coming up next: bernie the entertainer and hillary quake. looks like all those years working the clubs in the kenyan comedy scene made obama into a great standup. comedians, what is obama going to call his comedy album? rachelle harris, go. >> barack obama live high off my oval office ass. >> chris: scott. >> hotus my scrotus.
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[ applause ] >> chris: weird al... >> my name hussain skwre jimene. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: from "lucifer" on fox, it's rachael harris. [cheers and applause] >> chris: rachelle harris. [cheers and applause] >> chris: host of "comedy bang bang," the live tour begins may 6th in toronto & season five premieres june 3rd on ifc, it's scott aukerman. [cheers and applause] >> chris: co-host & bandleader of "comedy bang bang," his mandatory world tour hits 80 cities beginning in june, tickets & info at,
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it's weird al yankovic. [cheers and applause] >> chris: perfect the audience is ready. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. here's a list of the webmd symptoms for "internet addiction". first up burn the wish. radiohead one of scott aukerman's favorite bands. we have been to a concert together. >> several times. chris: they may release an album, scott! they haven't called you. now we're talking about it on television. okay, a lot of clues. lots of clues. fans and radio head are moving their social media presence --
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tkhog. there it goes. who knows, who knows. why are they vanishing? why are they vanishing? either there is a new radiohead album or tom is in one of his moods. or maybe lp9 is on the way. commodians, all we can do is theorize. what is it? >> i think they're upset highly stopped following them on twitter. >> chris: points. very upset. scott. >> i think radiohead is being erased like in "back to the future" because tom couldn't trick his parents into [beep]ing. >> chris: points, right. >> if they don't dance they can't fall in love. if they can't kiss they can't, on with history. let's play a radiohead song at the prom.
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>> everyone scatters. chris: tom, you know that new sound you have been looking for. well, listen to this. [laughing] >> keep going. chris: karma police -- much difference movie. weird al. >> they're forsaking the internet and releasing their next album on handmade musical dream catchers. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: releasing our next album on spider web. a spider will spin a web in your home and pluck the strings. please release another album, radio. in head. then i want to meet you. next up, out back steak house. an australian gentleman was driving his car through the back roads of aus australia when something disturbingly landed o?
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a kangaroo? >> it has to be a kangaroo. chris: it has to be. let's see. >> oh, no. >> oh. [ applause ] >> chris: i mean -- how many times a day do you think an australian goes [beep] kangaroo! should be a ring tone. >> [beep] >> [beep] [laughing] >> i thought the kangaroo was going to be full of spiders. that would of been awesome. >> chris: full of spiders, weave a web, catch a koala and eat it that's the end of "rapid refre refresh." and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. no matter your race, creed, political affiliation, or
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hogwart's house, in these trying times, there's one thing we can all agree on: dwayne "the rock" johnson (/ bleep/ ) rules. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i mean, this doesn't have enough to represent what is going on for real under there. i think it's safe to say he's america's favorite half-samoan, half-teddy bear ex-wrestler movie star who loves dogs and is somehow threatening and approachable at the same time, and monday was the rock's birth day. we would like to celebrate the man who can make anything better with tonight's hashtag: #addtherockimproveanything and before we get into the game. dwayne the rock johnson, i love you. please come on our show. it would be amazing. [ applause ] >> chris: as my birthday gift back to you, come on our show, please. examples might be:
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"bed, the rock, and beyond," "dwaynes, trains and automobiles" and "love is patient, love is kind, love is dwayne the rock johnson" 60 seconds, begin. >> dwayne's trains and automobiles. >> chris: my god, i hoff john the rock candy. scott. >> sponge rock dwayne pants. chris: yes points. >> third the rock john son from the sun. >> chris: points. tom. >> the do iery of anne the rock frank. >> chris: points. al. >> one, two, three, clock, four o'clock dwayne the rock johnson raeufplt rachelle. >> suck my dwayne, allen. raeufplt rachelle. >> fake it till you dwayne it. chris: points. scott. >> my neck, my back, my pussy and my dwayne. >> chris: points. al the rock yankovic.
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>> you want the tooth fairy, you can't handle the tooth fairy. >> chris: excellent references, two for the price of one. rachelle. >> if he dwayne me good i take his@ to rock lobster. [cheers and applause] >> chris: a good one. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #addtherockimproveanything and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. come on, rock, get up here! our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @allison outloud. by @allison outloud. well done!
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "eastern eur up?" [cheers and applause] >> chris: thank you. eastern europe is a fascinating place that's kind of like if the 99-cent store was a continent. everything's just a little off, and their pop music scene is a knockoff of a cultural echo. it's still very twentieth century in a weird way. comedians, i'm going to show you some eastern european album covers we found in the bowels of the net and, for 250 points, i want you to answer a few questions. first up this soviet hair band. what did they call this when it was released in the states. >> songs that would scare the [beep] out of my mother in the midwest. >> chris: yes. scott aukerman. >> these are all spiders. chris: points. al. >> the best of side show bob.
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chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: all the best hits like kill bart, i'm going to kill bart, why can't i kill bart. >> i like that. that's fun. >> chris: fun. next up this woman/couch combo. [laughing] >> i want the album cover to say, i don't know i'm being photographed. >> chris: where was this singing sensation discovered? >> swatting salmon out of a river. [laughing] >> chris: points. al. >> i'm going to say liverpool. this is clearly paul mccartney in drag. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> that's good.
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chris: i give you points for that. next one. i don't need to tell you this is saban bajramovic. [ applause ] >> chris: oh, what did he do after he left the music business. >> he got throne off a ricer by james bond. [laughing] >> chris: next up, this sultry songstress. what was the name of the band mico ostojic left to pursue solo stardom? >> russian paul's drag race. [laughing] krufpl>> chris: russian paul.
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next up here is saban again. can't stop him. what is he looking at ? >> the ark of the convenance. chris: no saban, keep your eyes shut. got to get on the pride of swoed en here the schytts. there they are. that's a lot of schytts. what are some of your favorite schytts albums. >> poops i did it again. [laughing] >> chris: no that was [beep] spears. >> hershey ho high highway to h. chris: i think that was by ac
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deucey time for our live challenge, a zoo to a chill. >> chris: mondays, right. don't you want to squeeze the life out of it as children scream. who is with me. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you're more with me than anticipated on this most stressful day of the week. i think we have inspiration from photo shop battles on this redditter. i give you brown bear chilling it i give you, brown bear chilling at berlin zoo: our favorite bear grills. it's all about the beer and weed
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necessities too if you have any. also i would like to though in my submission called bearly legal. there it is. [ applause ] >> chris: ya, they're totally harry. i think this is the hero we need now. i would like advice from this lead back wood stph-flt lapped creature. we will get your answers after the break we will be back with
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i showed you this super chill bear. i asked poor his life advice. scott aukerman. >> if you bring a chick back to your cave kick her out right
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after or else you will hibernate there for eight months, trust me. >> chris: alright. rachel harris. >> after you have been hibernating for a entire winter you want to [beep] any bear or badger in sight. so cover your stump before you hump. [cheers and applause] >> chris: the more you know. al. >> dude, if there is a tie on my doorknob it means i'm mauling someone in there. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright a thousand points to al. 500 to rachel. 250 to scott. it's very close now. very close. you have to be quick on the buzzer for the speed round. it's time for hot for teacher. hot for teacher. [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is teacher appreciations week. we honor the hard working educators that shape young minds. thank you for taking your time
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to educate people. even though they seem not to appreciate it there are adults that do. you're underpaid and under appreciated. comedians, i will show you -- scott aukerman, stop shaking your head. >> teachers stink. >> ya. >> down with homework. >> ya. chris: comedians, i will show you teachers. tell me the classes they teach. first up this bespeckled teacher. what does he teach, rachel? >> music 101, farsided reading. chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: here is this teacher with his assistant. scott actor man. >> the legend of coach par sons. the football coach who shrank a dinosaur. >> chris: this gamer turned educator, aukerman. >> exclusively dating asian women and why it's not racist.
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[ applause ] >> chris: next up this ecline dictator. what about this, weird al. >> how to come down from a bad acid trip. >> chris: yes, points. finally, this teacher who famously took the same photo for 30 years. rachel harris. >> how to remain [beep] for three decades. >> chris: yes. points. okay. scott aukerman you're in third place by a hundred points. any last words before se see eliminate you? >> it's cool i'm going to be gym anyways. >> chris: what? >> ya, don't borrow about it. got to do a few more reps. that's cool. cool goat out early. >> chris: absolutely watch "comedy bang bang."
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>> chris: that means it's time to take the plunger. it's "for the win!" while amateur detectives were working on the mystery of the disappearing radiohead tweets this weekend, another much darker and more sinister twitter -- whoa! >> amazing. [cheers and applause] >> that is amazing. [cheers and applause] >> you win. you win. >> ya! chris: more sinister than radiohead. you know what i'm [beep] leaving it. you try saying twitter plot really fast. anyways this [beep] plot was unraveling across the pond: i'm referring of course to #chickentoiletgate! here's how it went down: a british journalist named chris shaw went to the office loo only
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to find this sign posted above his fave loo-bowl: "if anyone has any information on the person who decided it would be a good idea to try and flush a whole roast chicken down the toilet, please contact debbie in hr asap. not impressed." come on debbie, live a little! i would like you to write a worst sign you may see posted above an out of order toilet. we will have our answers when we come back to@ mid nigh to@ mid m
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the best a man can get. and one proshield refill gets you up to one month of shaves. have you seen my lipton sparkling iced tea? it's delicious fruit flavored tea with smooth, crisp bubbles. well, thanks anyway. lipton sparkling iced tea! [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down
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to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, we told you about #chickentoiletgate and asked you to mock up a sign you would not want to see above a toilet. let's see what you wrote. first one ... attention employees, do not use if you're just returning from cheesecake fact row. we don want a repeat of last week's mass evacuation! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> chris: i mean it goes in cheesecake at the factory. [laughing] >> chris: alright. or ... if you use double xl tampons do not flush. i'm looking at you kelly! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. it sounds like number. two who is number two? rachel harris has won the
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internet. congradulations, rachel harris. i love you so much. see you tomorrow night. rachel is the funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be randy liedtke, josh gondelman and kyle kinane. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #addtherockimproveanything and tell the rock to come on this tell the rock to come on this show!and now, from a secret location, here is the vice president of the united states. [ laughter ] hello, america. i'm dick cheney. as you know, for the past few weeks, i've been often in an "undisclosed location." well, i'm here tonight to disclose that location-- kandahar, afghanistan. yep, as i've always said, if you want a job done right, you gotta do it yourself. and trust me, people. i'm all over this thing. called in a favor with the delta air force and got myself dropped off down here


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