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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 4, 2016 2:07am-2:38am PDT

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we made 'em a buck. you earned it. [sfx: bong] ♪ beer never looked so refreshing. 100% natural lime flavor in a twist bottle. ♪ bud light lime. >> trevor: (cheers and applause) that is our show for tonight. we found out donald trump crushed ted cruz. join us tomorrow night at 11:00 when we discuss it. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> in doob once -- (horn blowing) in cuba, once --) horn>> that was well ti
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much! thank you! welcome to the show! thank you very much. too kind. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. big indiana primary tonight. earlier "fox and friends" had donald trump on the show discussing his major foe, ted cruz. hmmm, let's see what important election issues they covered. >> his father was with lee harvey oswald prior to oswald's being, you know, shot. i mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. what is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. i mean, they don't even talk about that. that was reported, and nobody talks about it.
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( laughter ) >> larry: nobody talks about it because it's not news! or is it? the "national enquirer" claims ted's dad had ties to lee harvey oswald. jesus christ, you guys. between this and all of ted cruz's zodiac killing, the cruz family offed-- they off-- ( laughter ) this is true! this is true. don't mess me up. they offed more people in the 60s and 70s than vietnam! oh, now it got sad. i know what you're thinking "larry stop it. ted cruz is not a killer." okay, well, then you tell me what he was trying to do with carly fiorina here. >> ted cruz! ( applause ) >> when you see it with your own eyes, it feels a little different, doesn't it? okay, but you might be saying, "larry, carly fiorina just fell."
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okay, dre, dre, show us the other angle we have on that. it's all starting to come together now. and now you're saying "larry, you just put that "simpsons" clip in front of her falling! there's no connection between mr. burns and ted cruz." oh, really? oh, really? okay, well, then explain this! >> excellent! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: why is it mr. burns actually seems more human than ted cruz? have no idea. moving on. there's some upsetting news out of asia. that's right, they're selling chocolate-covered french fries at japanese mcdonald's. whaaaat? why you gotta keep that from us asia? ( laughter ) we're the ones who gave you mcdonald's. you improve it and don't share it with the brother? actually, that wasn't the story i wanted to talk about. in 2012, a u.s. missionary named kenneth bae was jailed in north
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korea. now, don't confuse kenneth bae with prison bae. whole different bae. whole different bae. small target, i agree. now, he was arrested after a computer hard drive loaded with prayers made him a suspect of kim jong-un's brutal regime and he ended up being north korea's longest held american prisoner since the korean war. >> bae spent nearly two years under 24-hour watch by 30 north korean guards. the conditions were dire. he shoveled coal and worked the fields. he lost 50 pounds. >> larry: oh, my god, you lost 50 pounds in north korea? i'm totally trying that. i've got like a wedding. valley girl, everyone. thank you very much. well, now bae has given his first interview since being released, and he gave out a very special, surprising thank you. >> i just want to-- i want to thank dennis rodman for being a catalyst for my release. ( laughter ) >> larry: that's right, you
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guys. dennis rodman! our self-proclaimed ambassador to north korea. now, are you sure about this kenneth bae? look, i know you've been in prison for a long time. and, look, it's common after a traumatic experience to think that 90s chicago bulls basketball players might have helped them some way. it's called the luc longley effect, or pippening, if you will. continue, mr. bae. >> if i meet him some day, i just want to say thank you for you know, for what he has done that really brought attention, international attention for my plight. >> larry: look, i know it's tough to get good information when you're in a north korean prison, but dennis rodman didn't help you. man, if anything, he spoke against you. listen. >> kenneth bae did one thing, and if you understand-- no i got it. if you understand what kenneth bae did-- do you understand what he did in this country? >> you tell me. what did he do? >> in-- no, no, no. you tell me.
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you tell me. why is he held captive in this country? >> they haven't released any charges. >> no, i don't give a (bleep). i don't give a rat's ass what the hell you think. i'm saying to you, look at these guys here. look at them. ( laughter ) >> larry: for those of you who don't speak rodman, he's basically saying "since you can't tell me what he did, he should stay in jail," which makes complete rodman sense. now, later, in a very rodman-style move, he erratically changed his mind, tweeting "i'm calling on the supreme leader of north korea-- or as i call him 'kim'-- to do me a solid and cut kenneth bae loose." all right now obviously the story requires more clarification. so here with more on what role he played in securing kenneth bae's release is dennis rodman. welcome to the show, mr. rodman. >> okay, please, call me "ambassador rodman." now, trump has me on the
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list for secretary of state. >> larry: oh god. so first you were against kenneth bae's release, and then you supported it. so what are your feelings now? >> well, i feel-- i feel vindicated. >> larry: okay. >> i feel validated. which reminds me, do you validate parking? >> larry: uhhh, no. and you're not even here. >> okay, do you, ah do you vindicate parking? ( laughter ) you do that? >> larry: look, please, dennis walk us through your thinking on kenneth bae. focus on this. he thanked you for helping. how did that happen? >> i tweeted at my boy kim jong-un. >> larry: you tweeted at him? >> i know i should have snapchatted him, but this was three years ago. different times. different apps. >> larry: okay, stop it.
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why exactly did you tweet to him? i thought you were saying bae was guilty. >> larry, this is part of my genius. i made everyone believe that i was mad at chris cuomo, setting up a year later, you know, my tweet. ha-ha-ha! long fuse. ha-ha-ha! >> larry: that doesn't make sense at all! >> because you don't know dick about foreign affairs, wilmore. >> larry: another well then how are you such an expert at foreign affairs? >> because i'm dennis rodman. i've hooked up with tons of women from different countries. my bedroom-- melting pot! it's a melting pot! ha-ha-ha! >> larry: that sounds horrible. ( crying ) >> larry: are you crying? what's the matter? >> can't you just give me credit, wilmore? maybe my style is unorthodox, but i get results. i did what no one else could do. >> larry: okay, fine, fine,
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but please help me understand-- >> no, you help me. >> larry: stop it! you went on television-- stop it! you went on television and literally badmouthed kenneth bae in early 2014. >> and that is why you'll never be ambassador material, wilmore. hashtag #strategy. it was done to show to kim that i understood what bae had done in north korea. wheels within wheels, wilmore. ( laughter ) >> larry: i will never understand what's going on in your mind and between you and kim jong-un. >> that's on you that's on you! history will be judge judy. ( laughter ) yeah. >> larry: as usual, not helpful. dennis rodman, everyone! ( cheers and applause )
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i am rich. in my gentleman's quarters we sip champagne and peruse my art collection which consists of renaissance classics and more avant-garde pieces. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers.
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i have a blog called "daddy doing work" it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad. windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer. that's crazy. macbooks are not able to do that. "hey cortana remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon" i need that in my world. anything that makes my life easier, i'm using. and windows is doing that.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back! north carolina has upheld a controversial voter i.d. law with supporters saying it'll reduce voter fraud while critics argue it unfairly burdens minorities. now, this has been an issue for a long time so we need to debate this. and since we're on cable, the only way is to have people take polar-opposite positions and argue over each other. so without further ado, here's another installment of "pardon the integration." please welcome "nightly show" contributors mike yard and rory albanese. ( cheers and applause ) okay, tonight's topic: voter i.d. laws. are they racist? mike will take the anti-voter i.d. side, and rory will be for destroying black people's civil rights. ready?
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>> that sounds horrible. i don't want to do that. >> larry: and begin! >> voter i.d. laws are ridiculous! the constitution doesn't say you need an i.d. to vote. >> you know what's ridiculous is people not having i.d.s! it's a basic thing you should have if you're an american, like a bank card, an ar-15, or a fat kid-- >> all right, fine we get it. we get it. but what about poor people in urban communities? the only vote they're allowed to cast without i.d. is for the nba all-star team-- this is when you laugh. just 'cause they can't afford to get an i.d. card? >> really, mike? it's $20! maybe don't spend it on grills and nail art! >> hey, don't disrespect nail art, my friend. >> just did. >> it's like 80% of our economy! and if poor urbanites expressing themselves with flavor don't deserve a say in our democracy then you obviously think the white republicans behind voter
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i.d. laws are okay to game the system. if you're an active member of society, you need an i.d. for almost anything! why does it have to be racist? >> what about the children of sharecroppers? they were active. yes, they were. but they have no legal documents because their parents were undocumented. >> it's 2016! how many documentless sharecropper babies are still being born?? >> where you live, on the upper east side? probably none! >> i live on the upper west side! >> larry: ok, gentlemen. that noise means it's time to switch sides and argue the opposite perspective. because remember-- ( applause ) that's right. remember, we're on cable tv and this is a mindless argument. >> no, i'm not doing it. every single time we do this segment, you guys twist me around and make me look like i hate black people! >> larry: mike, when the three of us went to counseling together, what did dr. tanner say? >> to trust larry and rory.
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they're sorry and they won't hurt me again. >> larry: and that's real, my brother. that (bleep) is real. >> i love you, mike. let's just do a great second half of this segment. >> all right. >> larry: great. now rory will be against voter i.d. laws and mike will try to undo 300 years of progress for blacks. ready? >> sounds good. >> but dr. tanner said-- >> larry: and begin! >> (bleep) my life. all right, i guess voter i.d. laws are an important safeguard against fraud because one foundation of a solid democracy is believing the process is fair. >> wow! look, anti-black-rights advocate mike yard has reached a new low! while you're at it, mike, why not just repeal the 15th amendment! >> oh, my god! oh, my god! look, what i'm being forced to argue here is for a more legit
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process so people will stop accusing black people of election fraud! >> what self-hating african-american mike yard forgets is voter i.d. laws don't just affect blacks-- about whom he does not care-- they also hurt the elderly, the infirm students, and poor people of every race. then why do tons of studies show that in states with strict voter i.d. laws, minority voter turnout has steadily increased since '96? and is often higher than the participation among white voters? >> i didn't know that. >> that's what i thought. >> i actually kind of wish i had that fact when i was on that side. >> larry: wow, mike, man you may have just won. that statistic is. ( cheers and applause ) i have to say that is really, really, really hard to argue again. >> yeah, ( bleep ). that's right baby. try to throw me under a bus!
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(bleep), 'cause if citizens don't believe their leader is elected fairly, you start saying stuff like, "he's not my president." >> oh, so obama's not your president, mike? >> how do you get that? >> larry: yeah, mike, what the (bleep)? i was just with president obama this weekend and he didn't (bleep) on you! >> oh, my god! >> man! >> i don't know, audience. i guess mike and i are just different. i want everyone to be able to vote, regardless of race, ( bleep ), gender, religion, or sexuality. who's with me? come on! >> larry: that's end of the round. and the winner is rory because mike hates the first black president. >> wow. >> larry: sorry, mike. >> hey, larry, now that you're best friends with the president, you, me, and obama should go out and do some black stuff. >> larry: nah, i don't think so. >> all right, cool, thank you. >> larry: this has been another pointless episode of "pardon the integration." mike yard and rory albanese everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ pa, will you tell me the story about colonel sanders? and how he saved fried chicken forever by making it the hard way? which means using fresh whole chickens from american farms. a milk and egg wash. hand breadin' in a slow fast food patented pressure-frying process that takes no less than twenty-five minutes. and how cantankerous fastidious, and handsome he was daddy? daddy? okay. see you when the rooster crows. colonel quality, guaranteed. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor mike yard. (cheers and applause) and "nightly show" contributor robin thede. (cheers and applause) and welcome back actress comedian, and producer for buzzfeed, quinta brunson. (cheers and applause)
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and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag #tonightly. okay, so president obama has been pushing for an proorkz of his legacy lately, saying he has a perception problem. obama said if you ask the arnlg person on the streets have deficits gone up or down under obama, probably 70% would say they've gone up. the fact sin fact, they have declined. >> right. >> larry: and it seems like the public can't give a brother credit where credit is due, is what it seems like. so why do you, there's such a disconnect with obama's accomplishments in office? >> he's handsome. ( laughter ) yeah that's what it is, he's handsome. >> larry: charismatic. >> he's too charismatic, he's got a wife and kids. he has it all. people don't want to give him credit. it's one thing he did that he should get credit for but there are other things that haven't been done so people are using it against him. >> larry: it looks like he has it all together so they're
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trying to give him some problem? >> yeah he's like the really hot guy at school who is also a jock and is also good at theater. it's too much. >> i think he just doesn't brag enough. george bush put a banner up, "mission accomplishes!" ! " "heck of a job brownie." obama is just like i killed osama bin laden. what's for breakfast? you know what i mean? you can't just move on. it's like wait, wait. what? you have to get your props. you have to let people know. if i could say one good thing about trump it's he upons how to brag. and people by buyit. you have to be your own best market glg you have to be your own hype man. >> yeah. that's what i think barack obama needs. heap has to stop with this corny introduction-- ladies and gentlemen, the president of the united states." he has to do it like def jam. he needs somebody out there saying, "ladies and gentlemen this brother here has reduced
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the deficit! killed osama bin laden! >> i agree. >> give it up! >> i agree. >> larry: that's what he needs. that's what he needs. >> exactly. and he needs to come out-- >> i think that's why barack likes rap so much. not because he's black. because rappers they get to say everything that he actually can't. like mention his name, oh yeah. >> a theme song. that's what he did. >> i agree. >> larry: what do you-- >> google that song, guys. >> larry: what do you think would be viewed most favorably from his administration? what do you think would be viewed the most unfavorably? >> that he was the first black president. >> larry: you think that fact alone. >> first black president. once again handsome thing. highs sand some. >> somebody got a crush on
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barack. i got a crush on him! sometimes i'm like aahh! he's adorable! >> i can just talk about that move. dudes always do that. a woman has never done that. >> i have never said that a woman did it. diit. anyway -- >> do you think the middle east is going to be held against him and wars over there. >> i don't think people really care about that. >> i don't think so, either. >> no one cares. it's not a good thing. people don't care. >> they have no idea what's going on. >> they don't know. >> trust me, it was way worse what was going on over there when he came in than it was now. >> i think he came in at a time, he promoted, obama, change. george bush messed everything up so bad. it should be like, "obama, i can fix stuff up." >> i can do better than that! >> yeah. exactly. >> larry: when people say worst president ever, some people say-- i hear
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that out there. and some people say our country is in the worst shape and, you know. where does that sentiment come from? from republicans? >> i know-- it's not just republican. it's people running for presidents. >> these politicians on the right and left are going to say of course, america is in the crapper and it's obama's fault because they want to look like they can be the ones who can fix it. >> what are they supposed to say? >> i just have to be honest, some people say, "he was the worst qbecause they can't blackestest." he's not really the worst president ever. >> larry: how soon do you think it will be before we see another black president or person of color. >> kanye 2020. >> larry: that is not going to happen. you think it will happen again in our lifetime? >> i think -- >> or is it not going to be any big deal anymore? >> i don't think it's going to be a big deal. we're about to probably elect a woman that nobody likes. >> oh, stop it! >> how hard would it be for a mexican to win? let's be real. >> larry: how hard would it be
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for a mexican? >> i'm just swhieg is next in line? it's going to be hispanic. that will be our next president. >> thang would be cool. >> our next president of color. it's not going to be hard if we're going to vote in hillary. most people don't like hillary. >> larry: i think this audience may say a german will be the next president. ( laughter ) we just have a lot of germans here. yeah! germans! ( cheers and applause ) >> they're ready. >> larry: they have a female leader, angela merkel, exactly. they did it. >> do they like her? >> do you like her? >> larry: oh, man! >> they're like no! but we're more progressive than you! it's true. it's true. are you. >> larry: wouldn't. we'll be right back. i am rich. with fans clamoring for our next hit album we return to our extravagant private studio where we turn gold into platinum.
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yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. make your day supreme with dunkin's new bacon supreme omelet breakfast sandwich loaded with peppers, onions, and potatoes and topped with two slices of cherrywood-smoked bacon and cheese all on a freshly baked croissant. america runs on dunkin'.
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