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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 4, 2016 2:37am-3:08am PDT

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>> larry: thanks to my panelists, mike yard, robin thede, and quinta brunson. thanks for watching. good nightly everyone! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on sportsillustrated.com! great news, '90s kids: there's going to be a "space jam 2!" [cheers and applause] >> chris: i know.
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now you don't have to go to the original space jam website, which is up and say, when. the classic "looney tunes"-basketball movie is getting a sequel, so a whole new generation of kids can know what it's like to have their sexual awakening sparked by a cartoon bunny. [laughing] >> chris: side note whatever you do, don't search "lola bunny" and "rule 34" unless you want to see porky pig have the best day of his life. the film will reportedly star lebron james, and will be -- a very nice man. and directed by justin lin-- the same guy who directed the "fast and furious" franchise. because if you're going to make a movie like "space jam," you need a director who has experience completely ignoring the laws of gravity. so comedians, what's something that you think will happen in the "space jam" sequel? kyle, go! >> shaq appears as vin diesel's long lost twin. >> chris: i would just watch
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that as a movie. [ applause ] >> chris: josh. >> espn reports one of the stars during the playoffs has been [beep]ing lebron's mom. [cheers and applause] >> unsubinstant yateed. chris: ranrandy sklar. >> lebron connection with elmer fund over his reseeding hair line. >> chris: i don't support this. he's a good man and works hard. technically by boss on another show so [beep] all of you. it's time to start "@midnight." k-rbd >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight's comedians are:
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performing at omaha design comedy for kids in omaha, nebraska. may seventh. it's kyle kinane. [cheers and applause] >> chris: performing at hilarities in cleveland, ohio june 29 - july 3, his stand-up album "physical whisper" is available now on itunes, it's josh gondelman. [cheers and applause] >> chris: performing at the panida theater in sandpoint, idaho may 14, it's randy liedtke. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's see who your arranged internet marriage is. kyle, you are playing for @msfranciscav. josh, you are playing for @aycannoteven. randy, you are playing for @emily the gray. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh."
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[cheers and applause] here are things that will be d news by next week. first up fake and gala. all came out in their finest babalon play. outfits to be worn once. beyonce you may recognize from the popular lemonade commercials turned heads with this stunning dress here. i know, looking like very expensive trafficky. what did the witty mind of twitters compare her look to. >> definite hee the skin of her enemies. >> chris: the hair is coming out one by one. the correct answer is all thraoefplall three.
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here's the popsicle, and the endoplasmic reticulum, and "o.m.g. is she wearing becky's skin?" that's that there. [laughing] >> chris: looking so well and good. the only thing i'm compared to for my outfits is butters from "south park." next up sex on the web. everyone knows spiders love to [beep]. you are about to hraerp something that will change your world view. not joking. scientists found out that spiders also like a little foreplay. in this case eight play after observing oral sex with these two fighters. the female is larger and that's
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a good thing real fighters have curves. they love it when the tiny men go way downtown. [laughing] >> chris: roll that clip. i love that we -- >> it's because spider dicks look like human dicks. >> chris: no, he's going down on her. >> okay. >> the vagina. chris: a hundred points to josh gondeman for that. >> it's spunalingus. [ applause ] >> chris: well -- [laughing] >> chris: i'm afraid that's all the time we have for "@midnight." kyle just won the whole [beep] series. a hundred points for
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spunalingus. [laughing] >> chris: send me a booty call text from your spider bae. >> want some spider sex, i bought spider condoms webbed for her pleasure. [ applause ] >> chris: nice. josh. >> once you go black widow you never go back widow. >> chris: yes, points. you guy this is is what peter parker jerks off too. ya, get in there. i'm going to go, flip, flip, flip, flip. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh." and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." well, it's after midnight which means it's now officially star wars day! [cheers and applause]
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let me be the first to say "may the fourth be with you." last year on star wars day, i met the famous mos eisley cantina band, figrin d'an and the modal nodes! yeah, i used to be their lead singer, but then i went solo. >> chris: we are coming up with jams from a long long time ago in a galaxy far, far away with tonight's hashtag. #starwarssongs. examples: "wind beneath my x-wing" and "get out of my dreams, get into my carbonite." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! randy. >> you're the one that i want. chris: classic. josh. >> hop line bling. chris: points. kyle. >> like a virgin. oh, god damn it. >> chris: no points. i take that personally. i have touched a lady. randy. >> trap queen amadala by buba -- chris: points very good. kyle kinane. >> have you ever really loved a
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woman. >> chris: god damn it [beep]. son of a bitch i will give you points. i don't like it. randy. >> o b-1 is the loneliest number. >> nothing compares r2-d2 you. >> dancing with myself. chris: points. josh. >> no money no ton tons. chris: randy. >> r2-d2 princess by -- ren doctor. >> chris: very well done. points. >> all the single ladies. chris: god damn it your words are like knives. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #starwarssongs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag. war was sent to us by @wannachela. well done!
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. have you ever wanted to drive a luxury car? well listen up, because i'm going to help you get one. first, we're going close our eyes and visualize. you will get a car, you will own a car. yes, yes. now buy some sage, exotic oils, and magnetic bracelets. then throw all that crap away and let me give you an actual all new jaguar xe! [cheers and applause] >> chris: a snazzy car. to enter, all you need to do is shoot an original funny photo or video that shows us how you get around and hashtag it: #howigetaroundcontest. that's it.
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then you will have a car. also, stop sending me pictures of your feet, so many feet. submit your videos on vine, instagram, or twitter - we don't care! just make sure they're less than thirty seconds long and use the hashtag #howigetaroundcontest check our social media for full contest rules and some example videos we made to get your creative juices flowing. and remember, no more feet! please! you can't tell the internet not to do that. >> send me your feet. chris: randy. send your feet to rand randy le. now it's time to play, "exercise your demons." i'm all for physical fitness, but why drag yourself all the way to the gym when you can just watch the plethora of weird exercise videos online? that way you can stay home closer to your video games and snacks and blu-ray collection and comics and ( bleep ) it, i'll exercise tomorrow. comedians, i'm going to show you an exercise video from the
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internet and, for 250 points, you're going to have to answer a question about it. first, from our pals at the found footage festival, "blessercize: the workout for christians!" >> -- arms to the side. hands up. fingers pointed towards heaven. the one. [ applause ] s. >> i'm excited she looks like blanche from the "golden girls." >> chris: as the new host of the show motivate the believers. >> -- i'm going to turn you jewish, i swear. >> chris: kyle. >> jesus could feed 5000 people with a few loaves of bread you don't have to eat the whole cinabon. >> chris: points. next one. this family affair.
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[laughing] >> chris: as the mom of the family explain why you're leaving. randy. >> who are these kids. we don't have any kids. >> chris: kyle. >> i'm leaving because my kids are too big to drowned in a bathtub. [cheers and applause] >> chris: finally this swole simian. [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: what does this guy do for his post-workout cool down? kyle. >> he let's a major cosmetics company rub shampoo in his eyes.
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[laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "exercise your demons." it's time for our live challenge. "affirmation station." we've looked at a lot of exercise videos, but truly one of the most amazing comes from the youtube channel of paul hintermeyer, who mixes cardio and self-affirmation in a really inspirational way. get inspired, guys. >> it's great to be alive. >> it's yate to be alive. >> i love my life. >> i love my life. >> -- relationships [laughing] >> chris: wow! it's clearly working because he is cut! he's ripped. when i first saw this i thought is this a martin short
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character. comedians, i want you to take a page out of paul hintermeyer's good book and make your own inspirational workout video. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [electronic sound effects] brace yourself... the first ever gsf is here. with a 467 horse power v8 engine... torque vectoring differential... and brembo brakes. it's the next expression of f performance, from lexus.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you an armature inspirational workout video from youtuber paul hinterland. i know you will subscribe right away. >> chris: i asked you to make your own video to both jack and inspire. let's see what you came up with. josh, let's start with you. >> my therapist says it's important to love the body i have. no amount of crunches are going to make debra come back.
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[laughing] >> chris: he didn't finish. [cheers and applause] >> chris: kyle ke getting out 16 months. heard you have been talking to cherice. she's my girl. i hope you have been exercising too, jeff. [laughing] >> chris: how many more did you do? >> that's it i fell after. that. >> chris: randy. >> i love my wife. i'm attracted to women like god tells me to do. flamboyant heterosexually male. i love my wife. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: what was that about,
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randy? >> nothing, it's nothing. [cheers and applause] >> get out of here. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i have to give a thousand points to randy and 500 to josh and kyle. [ applause ] >> chris: it's time for, "rock out with your ball out." the coachella valley, the world's number one exporter of pregnant jack white fans, has just announced that it's hosting what could be the biggest concert of 1974. an incredible lineup of music legends like the rolling stones, paul mccartney, bob dylan, the who, neil young and roger waters are all confirmed for an october 7-9 weekend concert that's going to put the rock back in rocking chair. let me tell you something. i will [beep] be there. i will be there. you kids don't understand music! i will absolutely be there.
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[ applause ] to accommodate the anticipate >> chris: mature crowd they have grandstand seating, and all the musicians have promised to "keep it down." so comedians, what are some announcements you might hear from the stage at this geriatric music fest? 60 seconds, begin. randy. >> i wrote this song back when my dick worked. >> chris: points. kyle. >> give it up for the dead kennedys, the band and all those dead kennedys. >> chris: josh. >> put your hands in the air and wave them like you don't have arthritis. >> chris: points. kyle. >> attention all of your lights are on in the parking lot. [laughing] >> chris: points. randy. >> this next song is as smooth as cholesterol reducing margarine. >> chris: points. kyle. >> i repeat do not take the brown lipator.
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>> chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of "rock out with your ball out." josh, i'm sorry we have to eliminate you. the crowd is not happy about this development at all. they support you. any last words stheurpblgts i do. it's a pleasure to be here competing for the win on the internet. randy and kyle. three men who look like each others uncles. >> josh gondeman, everyone. red light. [cheers and applause] is >> chris: that means it's time to put it in third gear-- it's "for the win!" if you love eating and masturbating behind the wheel like i do-- i mean, like those -- then chances are you're totally pumped up for the hands-free possibilities of self-driving cars, like this googlemobile: check out that semi-autonomous pussy magnet!
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well, now safety officials are joining the world's perverts in saying that self-driving cars could lead to more sex behind the wheel, which they warn means drivers won't be able to take over if something goes wrong. especially if you say "siri, put on some marvin gaye and take the scenic route to the cheesecake -- california pizza kitchen. ( bleep ) in a smartcar does sound pretty sexy, so comedians, i want you to give a command to your driverless car to get it to set the mood. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. versus the lube strip. with a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40% less friction. it's designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. sorry, lube strip. schick hydro®. free your skin®.
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have you seen my lipton sparkling iced tea? it's delicious fruit flavored tea with smooth, crisp bubbles. well, thanks anyway. lipton sparkling iced tea! fans promised to do lots of their favorite burritos. i was just kidding! a promise is a promise, patrick. grab the cheesy double beef or the beefy crunch burrito for just a dollar. you brought 'em back, we made 'em a buck. you earned it. [sfx: bong] >> chris: welcome back to@@.
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my comedy commercial is on itunes today. if you don't have cable and have watched lemonade 200 times go download it would i appreciate it i appreciate it so much. now it's for the win. i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. you will decide the winner. you're playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break we learned that self driving cars could lead to more sex behind the wheel. i asked for instructs to get your car in the mood. first one ... play jerk off music and make sure we're parked 501 feet away from a school. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two ... hey driverless car it's me kyle kinane play my album i like this old stuff better i can only
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[beep] to the sound of my own voice. [ applause ] number one was the winner who is number one? ironically kyle kinane did not reference himself. you have won the internet. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be tom lennon, nikki glaser and ron funches. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #starwarssongs and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. have a great night. have a great night. so long. good evening. i'm brian williams. [ laughter ] we're just seconds away from a briefing by attorney general john ashcroft, who will address the growing concern of terrorism here at home. good evening. these are indeed

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