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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 10, 2016 2:40am-3:11am PDT

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>> larry: all right. thanks to my panel aida rodriguez and special thanks to donald trump for being here. we're almost out of time. before i go i'm going keep it a
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hundred. the question from an audience member named jeremy. let's take a look. >> if you can bring prince and mj back from the dead but you had to vote for donald trump in the general election would do you it? keep it a hundred. >> larry: those guys had a really good run. sorry. i can still listen to their music. i'm not letting trump in by any means necessary. good night. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on! the drum is reporting that a french privacy law allows children to sue their parents for posting facebook photos of them without their permission.
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french children claim that when their parents post pictures of them enjoying their morning cigarette-- --it may hurt their chances of getting a bartending job when they turn seven. this could have been even more damaging to his reputation if the photographer hadn't cropped out the mistress. don't worry we didn't stage this all for a joke. it's hard to get a street scene with a kid smoking. but comedians, now that this landmark case has opened the doors to take legal action, what's something a kid's lawyer might argue to the courts when they sue their parents over something else? kate micucci. >> you your honor even though my client is suing he needs throw more months of rent money while he finishes up improve classes. [ applause ] >> chris: jake, go. >> your honor i would like to object to my client's stepfather being here. he's not my client's real father
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and needs to stop trying to be. [ applause ] >> chris: amir. >> my client would like to apologize for not being a doctor. can't we settle out of court this. is ridiculous. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for "@midnight!" welcome to "@midnight." good evening, good morning, hello. who watches tv when it airs. [beep] nobody. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: from "garfunkel and oates: trying to be special," available now on vimeo, it's kate micucci. [cheers and applause] >> chris: from "lonely and horny," season one available on vimeo, it's jake hurwitz & amir blumenfeld. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i do have to ask, i do have to ask, this maybe sensitivity. jake gets his own name. you have jake's name in your twitter handle. >> i'm a big fan.
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chris: so nice to support your friend. >> we love each other, equal ly. >.>> he's okay. chris: let's start the program. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here are the names of my children. first up: corn on the drill. last week, the internet was spinning over this video from "eater yang," showing his inventive method for eating corn on the cob. >> chris: right after that, he had to floss his teeth with a belt sander. wipe his ass with a fire. this impressive clip, that i assume someone stumbled upon after their phone auto-corrected their search for asian porn, influenced several imitators who had to try this out for -- i love you feel something is
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going side ways or maybe it's good. comedians, will she: succeed or fail, oh (/ bleep/ ). oh please no. jake. >> i want her to fail. i will say fail. >> chris: let's find out. [laughing] >> whoa. >> i didn't want that to happen. chris: you said that's what you wanted. >> i foal i cause it did. chris: you caused it. it's what you wanted, jake. you did this to this girl. [laughing] >> chris: this video by the way is the top of "corn hub" right now under the name hairless asian gets drilled much she's probably fine. she's probably fine. [ applause ] >> chris: didn't clip out brain matter there. it will grow back. >> oh, man.
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chris: don't put a drill in your face. next: t.a.a.i. students taking an online course at georgia tech were surprised to learn at the end of the semester that their t.a. had been an a.i. the whole time. apparently, artificial bots are well suited for t.a. work, because they can easily answer questions about when papers are due, though sadly not what love is. comedians, since i'm sure this is the start of a bigger trend, how would you determine if your t.a. was a robot? amir? >> if you ask her what she did for mothers day. she said i have no mother, only creator. wait, wait, pause, pause, we had prupb much and saw the meddler. shows probably -p human. [ applause ] >> chris: good. jake. >> if their office hours are only available for a dollar minute on myhornyprofessor. >> chris: points. kate micucci. >> you follow her extension
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cord. [laughing] >> chris: i mean it's so simple. points. next up frats to the future. since time immemorial, frat dudes have done horrible things to their passed out frat brothers. unfortunately, these sophomoric pranks have not evolved much past marker-based penises on the face and the practice has been in danger of growing stale... until today. i give you, a video simply titled: "such a savage move to surf your drunk passed out friend down the stairs." roll it. [laughing] >> brava. chris: listen, those guys, the guy that's do whip its and masturbate in front of each other who cares. i think it's the next big bring sensation. give me a play-by-play
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commentary. >> america is off to an amazing start this year's [beep] olympics. >> chris: jake. >> chad unfortunately didn't test positive for marijuana. >> chris: amir. >> next up the drunk olympics, same events but on a escalator. >> chris: great. >> over and over. >> chris: next: audio quiz. and now, we present five seconds of sound from a truly baffling viral instagram post. take a listen. >> chris: comedians, was that the sound of: a nicholas cage getting a blow job. b a hipster at a gym. c, a star wars fan unboxing a lightsaber. before you answer listen one more time. i want you to think about a.
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okay. peck toupicture it. play it, play it. >> chris: amir. >> show me nicholas cage getting a blow job. >> chris: you just want to see it. >> oh, sorry. b. >> chris: yes the cork answer p-frpblt [laughing] >> chris: i mean -- now even though, even though that's the correct answer in my heart it will always be this. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh." and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars.
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this past sunday was mother's day, the holiday all about thanking the women who raised us, gave us life, and technically also served as our first apartments. for a few months. and after how much pain you caused her bringing you into this world -- which she's reminded of every time you don't call -- words just aren't enough to say thanks. so that's why tonight's hashtag is #momsongs. examples. party of the pta. total guilt trip of the heart. 60 seconds on the clock. begin. kate. >> come on a lean, you will be late for swim class. >> chris: jake. >> take me to church, your great aunt stella is dead. >> jumping jack hot flash. chris: a mir. >> -- gang mom style. chris: jake. >> dad better have my money. chris: points. kate. >> rocky mountain high wasted jeans. >> chris: amir. >> that mom mom mom song.
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chris: amir again. >> that song song song song. >> it's not fair i. chris: points. kate. >> anything by boys to menopause. >> chris: amir. >> watch me whip, watch me lactate. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #momsongs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. @ momnight our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @gennefer. it's a soft g. i had a limit. but with new odor blocker. the most powerful old spice antiperspirant in the world. i found a new one.
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he's already restoring this beast himself. he gets help from autozone and specialized tools from our free "loan-a-tool" program. i can't wait to see what this kid fixes up next. ♪ with our help you can always fix your car with confidence. hoods up america. nice. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight."
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it's time to play "mouthfarters with attitude." "mouthfarters with attitude." when done well, beatboxing is an incredible skill that can somehow even make a college a cappella group seem cool, and that requires some harry potter level wizardry. unfortunately, not everyone has the patience to practice the technique before posting their (/ bleep/ ) videos online - whih it's good for us we do a whole show on this. comedians, i'm going to show you a clip of an amateur beatboxer and for 250 points, i want you to introduce them as their hype man. first up, this scruffy little squeaker. [laughing] (lots of noises) [laughing] >> chris: how would you i object tree deuce him, kate. >> he masters beats, and he masturbates. give it up for mc get out of my room dad.
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>> chris: amir. >> put your hands together and then over your ears for ab hour. >> chris: points. perfect. next one this beat dropping tike. >> chris: by the way that is how dubstep sounds to me all the time. all the time. >> chris: always. always. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. hype the crowd for this little guy. amir. >> welcome to the stage mc this is what happens when your mother gets a red bull for a an epidurl
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during child birth. >> nobody clap we're trying to put him down for his nap. >> chris: ya, he's not going down. [ applause ] >> chris: next up, this senior sound maker. [laughing] >> chris: so, how would you introduce her? jake. >> see her before she dies in three, two -- [laughing] >> chris: come on. kate. >> this next act is the only act discovered in line at the sizzler please welcome my friend greg's grandma. >> chris: points. mc greg's grandma. amir. >> welcome to the stage sexy
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harriet the -- sec erretariat. >> chris: very well done. finally guitarist singer and man with little to no self awareness, john mayer. [cheers and applause] kate. >> please welcome to the stage john mayer the ladies love him no matter what he does. kreufpl yes, points. >> chris: that's the end of "mouthfarters with attitude." it's time for our live challenge. it's time for our live challenge, "a song of jake and tapper." donald trump pretty much locked up the republican presidential nomination last week, throwin
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-- you're going to get a call now. would you like to support the trump campaign, mr. amir. politics into chaos for the 85th time this year. the two former bush presidents spewed venom, house overlord paul ryan recoiled in terror, and of course the orange king made more veiled threats. it's all very "game of thrones"-like, which is probably why cnn politics dedicated a whole news segment to the politics of westeros. take a look. >> there is one incredibly campaign going on not getting much attention here at cnn. that's the battle and control of the seven kingdoms of westeros on hbos game of thrones. i'm here to break it down for us. >> chris: oh, sweet. a magic wall. don't climb over or else you'll get mauled by white walker anderson cooper and the wildling wolf blitzer. it's pretty fantastical news segment, but i think it makes sense considering that politics
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seems stranger than fiction these days. so comedians, as a cnn politics anchor, i want you introduce a news segments on another fictional show. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight!" [cheers and applause]
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rebecca told taco bell she'd fold a thousand paper swans. brian said he'd wear 55 pounds of salmon... in bear-country. and patrick, he said he'd literally do anything. fans promised to do lots of things to bring back their favorite burritos. i was just kidding! a promise is a promise, patrick. grab the cheesy double beef or the beefy crunch burrito for just a dollar. fan favorite burritos. get em' before they're gone. [sfx: bong] hwell, the rav4 has available sport-tuned suspension...tures. i like the sound of that. ...and great handling so it can do just about anything. thanks jan, this is exactly what i'm looking for. i know. do you? yup. during toyotatime, get 0% apr financing on an adventurous 2016 rav4. offer ends may 31st. for great deals on other toyotas, visit here are your keys. thanks. see ya out there. sweet. toyota. let's go places.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break we showed you cnn politics tones coverage. let's see what you came up with. amir. >> breaking news we gave bernie sanders a bumble account you will never guess whoa matched with. >> chris: jake. >> next we go to the rose ceremony with the newest bachelor. >> chris: alright. kate micucci. >> coming up after the break we all take buzz feed quizs to find out which 90s tgif heartthrob is our soul mate. [cheers and applause] >> chris: okay. a thousand points to kate. 500 to jake and a mir. that will make them work for it who will be superior at the end? >> me. chris: okay.
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>> chris: it's time for "where wet dreams come true." brazil has a reputation as a hedonistic nation full of sexed-up party people, and apparently that stereotype is 100% true: brazilian entrepreneurs recently announced plans to build a sex-themed park called "erotikaland". no, really think about that. think about that. you go to a regular amusement park there is jizz on everything. when it's allowed what happens. that's sponsored by purell. no way around it. everything will give you hpv. nothing is more romantic than watching a pair of strangers 69'ing in the backseat of "it's a small world." to that song too. i can't imagine what other rides they have in store, so comedians, i want you to give me as many other erotikaland attractions as you can. jake.
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>> hammer [beep] shot. chris: points. amir. >> mr. toad's wild mustache ride. >> chris: yes, points. kate. >> monorailed. chris: points. jake. >> mary go down. chris: amir. >> kiss a small world after bald. >> chris: points. jake. >> it's a small world after all but it's good at eating [beep] >> chris: points. jake. >> a carousel you can troy gay stuff on without your wife knowing. >> chris: i think that's any carcarousel. >> owe kaeufrpblgts indiana vagina joan and the temple of poon. >> blast off a mole. chris: when he pops up you have to jerk him off really fast? >> yes. chris: that's the end of "where wet dreams come true" amir, you're in third place. despite your prediction we have
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to break them up. we have to break them up. sorry. amir, any final words. >> follow me on snap shot. i'm amirbloom. lots of funny jokes and pictures of jake's butt. will you love it. >> chris: excellent. that means it's time to figure out what do with your [beep]. it's for the win. [cheers and applause] the oldest living animorph >> chris: snoop dogg, seen here. recently revealed he does not give a [beep] about who gets what after he dries. with all the drama in the lbc, who has time to worry about wills? snoop's views on the subject came up during an interview with business insider about prince's messy estate, and here's an exact quote from mr. dogg that we didn't make up. "hopefully i'm a butterfly.
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i come back and fly around and look at all the (/ bleep/ ) fighting over my money and (/ bleep/ ), like, 'look at thee dumb (/ bleep/ ).'. ha!" [cheers and applause] >> chris: a butterfly, that's nice. i assumed snoop would want to be like a dog or a lion or a super dank dog or a lion. assuming his lawyers talked some sensmilian in him i would like a line from snoop dogg's will. we will have an answer when we co
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hello! nice to meet you! welcome, welcome! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch. you can only answer in emojis. what emoji would you use to describe the design? sfx:message sent i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! it has available built-in 4g lte wifi® sfx:message sent rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi. the cruze offers up to an epa estimated 42 mpg highway.
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sfx:message sent this car is like a unicorn. it's magical! (group laughing) [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's for the win.
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i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe, i will read your answers aloud and you thaudience will decide the winner. before the break, we found out that the dogg formerly known as lion wants to forego a will to let his surviving family fight it out. i'm sure it's a reality show we will all watch. but on the off chance he decided to have a will i wanted you to help him out and write a line that would be featured in it. let's see what you wrote! >> -- my surviving wife can have all the juice. the begin will be split among loved ones. >> chris: that definitely will be in there. my hizzle and jizzle go to my wizzle -- who was number two? jake hurwitz has won the internet. >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be hari kondabolu, james adomian and marc maron. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #momsongs and become tomorrow's tweet of


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