Skip to main content

tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 12, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

12:01 am
hundred. good nightly. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on jezebel! indie rock band yacht, who makes music that sounds like what happens when a waxed moustache makes love to a gluten-free cupcake at a birthday party for an 8-year-old named pistol, released a fake sex tape this week, causing the internet to feel horny and enraged at the same time! in other words, all both of its emotions! even though the tape was a promotional stunt, this seems to indicate mass interest in adult movies starring adorable hipsters. comedians, i want you to give me some dialogue from a twee, indie rock porno.
12:02 am
riki lindhome. >> i was into 69 back when it was '68. >> chris: jen. >> i will play my cubing laically while you uk-lay-me. >> i would like to give you a rusty trombone this. was found in a basement of blues club. while you play it i'm going to give you a rim job at the same time. >> chris: excellent time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for @midnight! welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are from "another period," season 2 premieres june 15th on comedy central and "garfunkel and oates: trying to be special," available now on vimeo, it's riki lindhome. phraur[ applause ]
12:03 am
>> chris: author of "i know what i'm doing and other lies i tell -- this is a book, a book you can take it out and read it. it smells like paper. the stuff people write [beep] on. myself" available in stores & amazon, it's jen kirkman. [ applause ] >> chris: performing at the rendezvous jewelbox theater in seattle may 15th through the 17th, his hour "the charleston special" is available on roryscovel.com, it's rory scovel. [cheers and applause] >> chris: now i don't think there is anything else to be addressed. it's timing to start the show. [ applause ] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. here's a list of things my fianceée's cat asked me to talk about. first up, meow -rbgs, meow or
12:04 am
new instagram. instagram, the premier app for seeing what your ex-girlfriend's been eating-- hint-- his name is chaz-- revealed their redesigned interface along with a brand new logo, that looks kind of like their old logo after someone threw up a mimosa on it -- i liked the other icon. it looks more like a beauty mark on a unicorn's asshole. and you know people on the internet do not enjoy change of any kind. they're not happy about this like @lamontiezivy9. "that uglass instagram update." comedians, since this logo is so uglass, what would be a more -- it's the uglassist. what is ropriate instagram logo? >> i think everyone would agree. a white box that says, my life isn't this good.
12:05 am
>> chris: rory scovel. >> someone on their phone in a cross walk about to get hit by a car. >> chris: next, eat right. live morning tv may look like fluff and filler, but it's actually a deadly battlefield, littered with potential land mines. you know a koala from the local zoo will try to dry-hump a weatherman, or if the 100-year-old marathon runner will let slip what she really thinks of the jews. i think they're just lovely. you never know. cooking segments are especially treacherous, like this one on fox 2 detroit to celebrate national salad month! you know what, let's prestepped this is what detroit is like this. is a window here. a perfect representation of what is going on in detroit now. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's all fun. salad and jacaranda trees.
12:06 am
detroit is super excite excitedt salad month. comedians, does this healthy guest simulate oral sex on a carrot, or offer to perform analingus on the co-host? riki. >> simulate oral sex on a carrot. >> chris: let's take a look. >> everyone wants a yoga girl, jason. >> that's right. >> i know you want me to toss your sal i did too, don't you. >> oh my god. [aughing] >> how did i not get that. >> his face is the only face you can make right then. >> chris: it is. his face is the face of someone trying to forcibly shut their ass hole to ward off potential invaders. next up disgrace land. most recently we uncovered an address which was called "the world's biggest pwroeubery scandal." it's been the host for other
12:07 am
shady financial villains. where is this? it's in a unmarkable new zealand suburb. it looks like a friend whose parents let him watch r rated movies. but you manages the day to day operations, shooting po possumsf the roof. there he is, daryl jensen. it's important to mention daryl jensen hasn't been charged with any crime. let's hope he s-pbts he will have a black and blue christmas filling the requests for jail house [beep]. comedians, this guy doesn't look like he lives in the world headquarters. so what do you think his house is the world headquarters is. >> the world headquarters of another guy who is going to die on the toilet.
12:08 am
>> chris: riki. >> trick question, he's obviously homeless. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: rory. >> i don't think what headquarters it is, it definitely has a shoe box in it with the world's largest collection of missing hitchhikers jewelry. [ applause ] >> chris: that is the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. prom season is here! it's a magical time where some -- >> yes! chris: you don't get to go to prom. >> nope. chris: magical time where some of us chug our first p.b.r. and ruin a rented garment, while others dress up real nice for their saturday game of d&d.
12:09 am
[laughing] >> chris: you see brian and blaine. this actually happened. in celebration of this tragical time of year our hashtag is #promin3words. examples: "flatulence ruined everything" and "slow dance boners." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. riki. >> under well manying finger blast. >> chris: points. rory. >> masturbated alone afterwards. chris: points. jen. >> over dressed and under sectioned. >> chris: points. rory. >> prom sucks [beep] chris: alright, points. riki. >> prepurchase plan b. chris: points. rory. >> surprise went naked. chris: yes, points. jen. >> gay best friend. chris: points. rory. >> rusty trombone solo. chris: solo. how would you -- >> i do a lot of yoga, it's not a big deal.
12:10 am
>> chris: yes. >> -- bonanza. chris: it's a bonanza. >> amazing. chris: points. jen. >> nobody asked me of. >> not sure i went to >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #promin3words and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from last
12:11 am
every day you read headlines about businesses being hacked and intellectual property being stolen. that is cyber-crime. and it affects each and every one of us. microsoft created the digital crimes unit to fight cyber-crime. we use the microsoft cloud to visualize information so we can track down the criminals. when it comes to the cloud, trust and security are paramount. we're building what we learn back into the cloud to make people and organizations safer. un, deux♪ trois, quatre. ♪ crafted with care, for a dry,
12:12 am
balanced taste. c'est cidre not cider'. ♪ whistle music throughout "here it goes, and it's going the wrong way. oh my gosh!" whatever your legal needs are, avvo's got you covered. find your lawyer on avvo. avvo. legal. easier. steady morning energy whether you...e play it cool... how's it going? or don't play it cool. you're attractive! i just... i didn't mean to come on so... i... wasn't coming on to you i actually have a boyfriend. belvita. because we can all use steady morning energy. beot included.t m&m's! new coffee nut m&m's! they won't make you shake. new chili nut m&m's!
12:13 am
mouth will not catch fire. try 'm' all and vote for your favorite! >> welcome back back to "@midnight." it's time for a special special announcement from our car giveaway division: friday is your last day to submit a video to @midnight's how i get around contest, the one-and-only contest on the web that gives away an all-new jaguar x.e.! we've gotten a ton of great and not so great submissions so far: people riding people, horses riding horses. horses, you are ineligible for this competition, but so are any submissions with music, and chdren, and those made by
12:14 am
canadians-- "sorry about that"-- but rules are rules. i got one his from the audience. we didn't make the rules. there's still time before the contest ends on may 13 at 2:00 p.m. eastern, so send us a pic or video 30 or seconds or less of how you get around. post it to twitter, instagram or vine with the hashtag #howigetaroundcontest for your chance to own an all-new jaguar x.e. now it's time to play beauty and the buzzfeed. disney is a huge part of most children's lives, and the disney princesses specifically are some of the most prominent role models, teaching kids that they can be smart... they can be brave... and they even can be cement mixers! so empowering to young cement mixers! but pictures like this just show how obsessed the internet is with re-imagining classic disney heroines as other things. it's the perfect mix of
12:15 am
nostalgia and randomness in one internet stew that brings all the upvotes to the yard. and by upvotes i mean confusing so comedians, i'm going to show you a picture of a disney princess redrawn to be something else, and, for 250 points, i want you to answer a question about it. first up, this little meatmaid. who is the villain of this film? rory. >> chris christie. [ applause ] [beep] >> chris: wait a minute. now i picture chris christie and ursula. >> chris: next, let's go on a magic nickelback ride. what song is princess kroeger singing? rory. >> a song that everyone pretends to hate but secretly loves. >> chris: okay. points. jen. >> just a generic song that sounds like all the others. >> chris: alright. points. riki. >> asshole new world. chris: yes, points.
12:16 am
[laughing] >> chris: next one, it's beauty and jigsaw the torture doll. there it is. what happens in this movie? riki. >> belle has to saw her own leg off with a dancing knife. >> chris: yes, that's exactly what happens. points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: getting to your leg, getting ready for some dinner. [laughing] >> chris: next up, this delicious looking cinderella. who is her prince -- that is a jelly donut, cinderella for those who can't tell or cinderella is having an embarrassing moment at the ball. why now, it's not suppose to start until tomorrow. the good news she's not pregnant. there you go. who is, who is her prince charming, riki. >> no one because i don't think
12:17 am
you're ready for this jelly. >> chris: perfect. [cheers and applause] >> yes. chris: very good. jen kirkman. >> i know her suitor. he's great mr. chris p. cream. >> chris: alright, points. >> come on. no. >> chris: no, that's good. [laughing] >> i don't think you heard me. [ applause ] i said mr. chris p. cream. >> chris: they got it jen. >> no it was good. i felt it was -- i felt this was going to happen. i thought would you stop the show and be like, we're done that was too good. >> chris: then we just stop the show forever. >> yes. chris: yes. [cheers and applause] >> i'm with jen on this. chris p. cream. jesus [beep] christ. >> chris: alright. next, a beautiful sleepy streamer.
12:18 am
what's a lyric from this musical? rory. >> netflix and pills. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: jen. >> once upon a stream. chris: yes. riki. >> some day my prince will give me his password. >> chris: points. until then looking at the splash page. >> chris: that's the end of beauty and the buzzfeed. it's time for our live challenge, facebias. oh, no, rory is home alone. according to an article in gizmodo, facebook news curators might have been burying news stories. apparently instead of just using an algorithm to judge trending stories, the company hired
12:19 am
"human curators," and this just it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that facebook leans left considering the site is literally blue and their origin story was written by aaron sorkin. you can't get much more liberal than that. but since this accusation fuels fears on the right that free speech is being stifled online, comedians, as a conservative, tell us how another social media platform is suppressing the conservative agenda. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized, anything that makes my life easier, i'm using. "hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon" i need that in my world.
12:20 am
t-mobile does data differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use... ...now, t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services... free! without using one bit of your lte data. plus, you can roll your unused data forward. nobody does data like t-mobile. get four lines... ...with ten gigs of 4g lte data ea ..for just thirty-five bucks per line... ...from t-mobile.
12:21 am
steady morning energy whether you...e play it cool... how's it going? or don't play it cool. you're attractive! i just... i didn't mean to come on so... i... wasn't coming on to you i actually have a boyfriend. belvita. because we can all use steady morning energy.
12:22 am
12:23 am
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about an accusation that facebook is suppressing conservative news instead of what it should suppress-- baby photos-- and asked you to tell us how another website is suppressing your conservative views. let's see what you wrote. riki lindhome. >> grinder is unfairly discriminating against pretty blond girls. when do i get mine! >> chris: i'm glad someone is talking about it now and it's in the open. you're brave. >> i know it's really hard. chris: jen. >> pintrest is making ladies leave the kitchen to make jewelry boxes from old kas et tapes. i can't eat that or [beep] that. >> chris: okay. you could. >> oh. i was in character. >> chris: jen, it's you. a second ago it was a weird redneck here.
12:24 am
>> it was me. >> i am also tkpw-b to do a character. i have made a choice. >> chris: your life is a character, rory. your life is a character. rory scovel. >> christian mingle, get, this won't let me send dick pics even though god made my dick and it's beautiful like a poem! >> chris: alright. i will do -- a thousand points to rory. 500 to jen and riki. we go to our next game, put it in my charity. wednesday was donate one day's wages to charity day. i know what you're thinking: if donate one day's wages to charity day was yesterday then why are you telling us now, you assholes? you don't node a day to donate your wages to charity. you can do it any day of the year. just research it first. donate to something good like scholarship america and not to
12:25 am
the mustache grooming fund for underprivileged hipsters, even though their motto "helping indie bands take off" is pretty noble. comedians, in the service of helping people find the right charity to donate to, i want you to give me as many bad charities as you can. 10 seconds, rory. >> doctors without boundaries. chris: points. jen. >> toys for tits. chris: points. rory. >> frozen water bucket challenge. >> chris: yes, points. jen. >> aarpp. chris: points. riki. >> shave the children. [laughing] >> chris: points. rory. >> race for the bands a cure. chris: points. riki. >> sex toys for tots. chris: points. rory. >> the michael mcdonald house. chris: alright. points. riki. >> march of dime bag. chris: riki. >> the mock a wish foundation. chris: jen. >> habitats for zoomanity. chris: points. rory. >> salvation coast guard. chris: points. riki. >> kids with diarrhea who really
12:26 am
want to go to six flags. >> chris: that's the end of put it in my charity. jen kirkman you were neck and neck with riki and fell behind during the speed round. >> she was kicking me. chris: i don't -- >> yes, you will see tonight replay. >> i was a witness through the altercation. >> we're both wearing leather pants. there can only be one of us. >> that's true. i. >> chris: do you have last words before se see eliminate you. >> i love you. i love riki and rory too. i love canada. i'm on tour there in june. a fun thing would be to go to my website jenkirkman.com and buy tickets. i'm going to go now and get ready to give everyone a great show. >> chris: fantastic. jen kirkman, you're wonderful. now we have a red light on you. >> chris: that means it's time for some wiki squeaks, it's for the win!
12:27 am
wikileaks founder and bootleg bill maher, julian assange, has gotten a kitten to keep him company while he hides from multiple governments in the ecuadorian embassy in london. luckily assange won't have any trouble cleaning the litter box, as he's an expert in digging up (/ bleep/ ) other people tried o bury. the new kitten already has a twitter handle, @embassycat, where it is posting some dank political memes: "in developed democracies, police don't demand passwords from kittizens." awww who is now a fuzzy little c.i.a. target? so comedians, since this cat seems to be following in his assange's footsteps, what's a secret that will be leaked by this kitten? we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] ♪ fruit. nuts.
12:28 am
silky smooth dark chocolate. revel in the pleasure of new dove® fruit and nut. [ upbeat music ]
12:29 am
12:30 am
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i told you that the most melanin-averse man on earth, julian assange, has a new kitten, and i asked you to share a secret that this whistleblowing cat might leak. let's see what you wrote. first one ... the sun beam i sleep in on the kitchen floor keeps moving because the jews control the weather. [ applause ] [laughing]
12:31 am
>> chris: or guess who in the ecuadorian embassy jerks off to snowden pics. it's not the ambassador. he jacks off to soccer kicks goal! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two? >> rory scovel. >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be randy sklar, jason sklar and jon dore. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #promin3words and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. instagrams. good night! captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

103 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on