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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 13, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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>> chris: its' 11:59 and 59 seconded, this happened on, google is trying to make our emoji more diverse, they are not adding a diarrhea emoji all they they should, but what would it be, a splat, the eyes like-- would it stretch a scros, an explosion point, a slatter point what would it be? anyway they want to make new emoji for professional women. and it is about goddam time because the only ones currently available feature women in stereo typical roles like wife and salsa dancer stomping a bug. so google engineers designed 13 emoji of professional women and weren'ted them for approval to
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the governing body of emoji, the unicord consortium that sounds look a store set in the world of harry potter much here is something they are proposing, sweet, awesome health care provide professional, a no brainer. yes, slutly, scientists, dove, of course. women made tons of contributions to science. absolutely deserving. what else? oh, a welder, all right. sure, why not. listen, hey, come on. but while i do believe that there are absolutely women welders, i don't know when you would ever use this emoji. i can't quite come up with a circumstance where a lady weller emoji would be necessary. >> we might be able to help with you that. >> i won fer there were only some comedians here who might be able to send a text that would require a female welding emoji. randy sklar. >> just puttinged finishing touches on that glass ceiling those guys had me build.
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>> chris: nice, very good. jason sklar. >> mom and dad, i'm a lesbian, a flaming lesbian. >> chris: jon dore. >> happy father's day. i ran out of money. but i thought you could jerk off to this. >> chris: points. >> no reason why we can't jerk off to women if the workplace. >> it's my fault, it's all my fault. it's time to start "@midnight". welcome to the "@midnight" program. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are performing at wise guys in salt lake city may 13th and 14 randy sklar. (applause) cohost of finding the funny podcast on, i assume who is also performing at wise guys.
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>> he'll be there too, jason sklar. , and performing at acme comedy company in minneapolis may 18th to the 24th. mr. jon dore is back. now it's time to say [bleep] and nominate a puppy wearing sunglasses and a bandana, it's panderdome. this is an enumeration of every relevant political story this i da. first up, poll position, a brand new poll ranked voters feelings about baked potatoe skid mark donald trump, comparing his popularity compared to celebrity, inanimate objects. according to new poll is donald trump less popular than hip ster, lice, nickelback. >> jason. >> i will say nickelback. ment. >> chris: the correct answer is all three, all three.
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of the three things in this picture, lu ce is the only thing you can actually-- lies is the only thing you can get rid of. >> donald trump rallies were so-- they actually saning raleigh -- we have a canadian here. >> oh, hey, jon, sorry. >> we didn't mean to offend your national band. >> it's okay, eh, don't worry about it. >> jon, all we're trying to say is that we're soory. >> don't get your maple. >> don't get so mad about it, eh. don't get your maple leaf in a bunch, eh? >> if you want to clap, but i don't see why. >> chris: hey, hey, don't listen to these two mol son jockey hose head, all right. look at this moose grabber over here. >> come on. eh, don't go all gety lee on us. >> hey. >> chris: these two tim horton
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donut holes hanging out, back of the-- all day long. >> hey, i have the dvr-- i had the dvr. >> i when rob ford died i was so sad, i had to dvr. >> how sad were you? >> i had to dvr the k c be canu ck hockey game and watch it later. >> sadder and the wreck of the edmond fitzgerald. >> are we done with that? i get it, it's fun. it's fun. it's very fun to do. >> chris. >> i know, you say some canadian words. and in a funny voice and it is
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just hilarious to americans. it is more about you than anything else. but anyway, let's-- . >> chris: he's right, the trudeau hurts. all right. next topic is canadian solutions. let's all just-- let's all just be okay with it. canada used to be america's dorky friend who wore beaver hats and always asked do you want to hang oot. but during the 8 decades since this election has been going on, canada got [bleep] hot. and now america a theirsy, especially because if honey glazed hot wing shrek donald trump gets elected, clean water becomes our new currency. now canada is opening their borders and legs to entice us with a new dating site called maple match. yeah. get your maple leaf together and just go to town.
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>> yeah. >> take it easy, eh. >> chris: for americans who want to avoid trump years and they said they want to go mount the mounties, this website is for you, maple match makes it easy for americans to find the ideal american partner to save them from the horror of a trump presidency it says right here on their site. so comedians, we have been practicing all show, what the canadian pickup line you would use on maple match, yes, jay. >> you like hockey because i want to put my biscuit in your basket, eh? >> chris: why are you looking at high, jon. >> pretty big response there. i think the genuine one would probably be so how long have you been considering coming up to canada, and finding a spouse. >> chris: good, canadian. >> so canadian. >> that's so canadian. >> very, very, very to the point. >> chris: randy. >> my vagina is like i call it the yu kon territory, it's big,
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it's white and it's a little too far north for anyone to enjoy. >> chris: points. that is the eng of panderdome, it's now time for tonight's hashtag wars. rumors abound that disneyland twilight zone po tower of terror will be taken over by a ride of the guard guard as-- guardians of the galaxy, i'm sad, and excited, i had am a pass holder. it is a shame to see it go away, it was great especially at the end where you watch people explain to their kids what twilight zone is. so we're going to celebrate this classic sci fi institution with tonight's hashtag elderly sci fi, examples are the walking almost dead. and transformers revenge of the fallen i can't get up. in 60 seconds. begin. jay. >> battle star sky attica.
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>> chris: points. >> attack of the $50 copay. >> chris: points. jon dore. >> star trek pants. >> chris: points. jay. >> hugh blecha. >> chris: jon. >> star trek pants 12. >> chris: points for that. randy. >> planet of the abes. >> chris: points. randy. >> report minorities. >> chris: yes. there they are. there is another one over there, there is one up there, over there, over there, this way, there, see them. >> two in my alley, right there. >> chris: jon. >> blade walker. >> chris: yeah, points. doing great. >> i don't have total recall. >> chris: all right, good, that is the end of hashtag wars, send us your hashtag elderly sci
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fi and tag them "@midnight" to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. war. well played. announcing pizza hut's new applewood smoked bacon and melty cheese in the crust pizza hut's bacon stuffed crust pizza is here! now with applewood smoked bacon shhh and loaded with cheese just $12.99. only at pizza hut. ♪ ♪
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give extra. get extra. steady morning energy whether you...e play it cool... how's it going? or don't play it cool. you're attractive! i just... i didn't mean to come on so... i... wasn't coming on to you i actually have a boyfriend. belvita. because we can all use steady morning energy.
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wheyou can spell it howeverst, you want. miller lite, the original light beer. spelled different because it's brewed different. from the makers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna smell it. i'm just gonna take one small sip... kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. bloldly blended colas.
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welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play crass trangsity phillie edition-- he transit, mass transits can be a baffling and wuflt place with hordes of colorful and insane citizens riding its buses and trains to god nose what plains of existence. today we explore the instagram accounts of accept ta-- septa. this explores the city of philadelphia. i will show you a commuter from people of septa. for 250 points you answer a question. this cool santa that apparently just released a rap mix tape. what would be a track on this santa's dope album. randy. >> move blitzen, get out the way. >> chris: points. >> get out the way. >> chris: jay. >> sipin on milk, laid back.
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>> chris: points. jon. >> i am assuming he's probably more like spoken words, maybe like-- i think it's probably his book on tape telling the story of the north pole. part two. >> chris: points. >> he is the pole dirty bas tard. >> chris: very good. next this tuck erred out little lady. don't wake her. ps, you might not be able to wake her. what is she dream being? jon. >> butterflies. >> chris: come, my lady, come, come my lady. >> no, she's dream being a couch made entirely of mcribs. >> chris: finally, this music
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lover, there is he. >> i know that for sure. >> chris: what is elise ening to, jay? >> ten habits of highly successful people. >> chris: points. >> i know this one. book on tape. >> there you are. we're back. you figured it out. >> chris: randy. >> i will tell you, the sound of one hand slapping. >> chris: points. points. >> i say i don't know, i've done this, i've been in this position before am i know what he is listening to, it is the sklar bro podcast. >> chris: sklar bro country. >> who doesn't like that up in canada, right? >> more like the uncle-- canada is like america's crabby uncle. i'm still going for it. >> it's just up there, he's going to take a piece of alaska. >> you wait. >> don't take your eye off alaska, it will grab it, i'm
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telling you. >> it wants to slide into your great lakes. >> you know, you know, you know what we need, you no he what canada has, a something called integrity, because you know what we did? we didn't abandon-- please, please, no, i'm not pandering, i'm not pandering. >> we already did that. >> canada did not abandon the queen and go off on its own. we stay, we fell in line and remained a monday arcky and look at the mess you've got today. look at this. look at this. >> true. >> you don't see that in windsor, eh, huh-uh. >> you don't see that up in kichenner, eh, no, you don't. >> another canadian town, yeah. >> all right, that's the end of crass transit phillie edition much it's time for our live challenge, putin on ice. russian president polonium
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enthusiast putin hit the ice in sochi for an exhis-- exhibition hockey game. here he is about to execute a goalie. make sure the puck leaves no marks. send his widow coressage then he literal leigh hit the ice here. -- lit-- hit the ice. everyone who saw it had their memories erased later. he cass encased in the ice as a reminder that loss sung acceptable. he still got a trophy though, we're not sure what it is for but he it is shinny and he can see himself in it i would like to present this miss ree-- mystery trophy to a putin. after the break we'll get you answers after the break. >> earlier our viewer asked us to pick her chinchilla. she picked her favorite, con at
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america, the sprint network is now more reliable than ever and i'm on a mission to prove it's the fastest. i'm traveling the country betting anyone and everyone that sprint is faster than their network. and guess who's winning? the guy with a trailer full of your stuff. i bet my space suit for that slightly oversized jacket. come on. come on. sprint wins! that was fast! yeah, sprint's killing it. the sprint lte network is now more reliable than ever.
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switch to sprint and save 50% on most verizon, at&t or t-mobile rate plans. if we don't win you over in 30 days, we'll refund your money. now a bull rider jumping a bulfrom a planeold. ...while eating a crispety, crunchety butterfinger bar... ...even when his mother tells him not to...
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i toll you about russian president vladimir putin puckin it up at a hockey exhibition game that apparently he won. i asked you to present putin with the trophy. let's hear what you came up with. randy. >> this cup is full of blood of remaining jews in russia.
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i mean blood of your opponents on ice. i mean blood of christ who was not as important or as good as you. he was son of god but you play hockey and ride horses, no shirt on. >> all right. >> chris: jon dore. >> and the oscar for best actress for straight out of comp ton vlad putin. >> i think that what it says, genuinely. they weren't represented. >> play, mr. putin please take this silver house for your miniature giraffe as a token of gratitude that you have not yet murdered all of our families, eh? also for sochi. >> chris: a thousand points to jon, 500 each to randy and jay.
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overheard in vegas. overheard in vegas. this weekend marks the founding of las vegas that wretched life of scum and villainee where you can get a shrimp cocktail, hand job and ticket to see a magical hot topic employee. roaming for only $100. quick internet search for overheard in vegas produces a corn copia of gems like my first safe word is monkey, my second safe word is guatemala. >> give me as many vegas overheards as you can in 60 seconds. begin. randy. >> daddy says every time a jackpot rings a stripper gets her titties. >> chris: points. jay. >> i hear the fountain at the bell ageio is 15% jews. >> all right, points. >> randy. >> hey, that nick cage impersonator looks awfully drunk, oh, that's nick cage. >> points. >> jon dore. >> i wish i wasn't here.
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>> randy. >> honey, what channel is the lion porn on? >> all right, points. >> i shot tu pack and all i got was this lousy t-shirt. >> all right, points. >> jon dore. >> no, you're under arrest. >> points. >> excuse me, waitress, what size shallow grave do you fit in? >> chris: all right, points, points, yeah. jay. >> i would bang mike tyson for a free night at the mirage. >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of overheard in vegas. now i'm supposed to eliminate the person in third place but that person has really graciously taken a lot of canadian jokes tonight. so i feel like in the spirit of good will. >> i don't mind going. i'll step out. >> i know you want to stay, jon so i'm keeping you for for the win. >> i don't want this pity, all right, i'm a proud canadian. and i don't need to be given
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something just because i'm from canada, all right. >> chris: okay. so do you want. >> but i will stay if you would like me to stay, but i don't want it to be for those reasons. >> chris: well, okay. >> look me in the eye and tell me why you want me here. >> chris: i want you to stay because i feel real bad about what happened on this show tonight. and i don't want to strain our relationship with canada, our neighbors to the north and she have always been friendly and supportive and we can learn from canadians and that's why i want to keep you on this panel, because i want more. >> go [bleep] yourself, you piece of [bleep]. (cheers and applause) it'sed talking down to that bothers me. >> chris: that means it's time to go to for the win. all you high school and college students are vent turing out into a bright, full future ahead of you of unpaid intern shirntion selling your old baseball cards on ebay and fighting to the death for vaccinations and president trump's inevitable health care
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games. students are expresses their mix of hopes and trepidation with creative graduation caps like this one tweeted out by buzzfeed community, game of loans. i would like you to make your own creative graduation camp. we will have the answers an name a winner when we come back on cap midnight. ♪ ram trucks are reaching new heights when it comes to capability and efficiency. the ram heavy duty is the most capable full-sized pickup on the road today. and, the ram 1500 is the most fuel-efficient, full-sized pickup. ever. so what does that mean? it means ram trucks give you the best of both worlds. so go big. and go far. guts. glory. ram. from the makers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna smell it. i'm just gonna take one small sip...
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kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. bloldly blended colas. well this is my equation for success. i developed the 4 p's. politeness, patience, practice and... promotion! heeyaw! heeyaw!
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fortit was impossible tought brew a great tasting light beer. so we got to brewing and told them to sip on this. the original light beer. spelled different because it's brewed different.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for for the win. i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answer as loud and you the audience get to decide the winner. before the break i showed the ultra creative viral graduation caps and asked to you create your own, let's see what you came up with. first one. i will. >> chris: weirdly, particularly resonated with the audience. second one. is. or number three.
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number two was the winner, who was number two, jason sklar has won the internet. he is the funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours. we love you, canada. we really do. wellee see you monday with sinbad, moshe kasher, brandon johnson. till then, keep the game growing by by creating the elderly sci fi. i'm chris hardwick. have a great weekend. good night. who's fat, who's gross? who's least, who's most? someone, someone. i got amber tamblyn throwing some real shade on dame judi dench. (man) amber! please, my dog is sick, come on. (man) so you'd marry betty white? whoa! rock, paper, scissor! (laughter) i thought amber tamblyn was (bleep) dead. it's like, be young forever. uh, i need bloated beach bodies.


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