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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 13, 2016 9:20am-9:53am PDT

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captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services. central ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: yes! thank you very much! thank you! thank you! you're so kind! thank you so much!
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thanks, i appreciate it! such a great cowed! welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. such a great crowd. audra mcdonald on the show tonight. i'm very excited about that. (cheers and applause) so talented. one of the most talented people ever. sure. by the way, first off, i want to show you something remarkable -- a rare moment of unanimous bipartisanship in the u.s. senate. >> anchor: the senate unanimously passed a measure removing offensive terms such as "oriental" from federal law. >> larry: oriental? that term is still used in federal law? i can see why that was a unanimous decision -- (trumpet playing taps) oh, hey... guys. what's up? >> bobby: we lost another one. we're here to pay our respects. >> benari: damn p.c. police, we can't have any fun anymore. >> jack: so, larry, if you
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don't mind, we would like to retire this word by hoisting it up into the rafters. >> bobby: it served us well for a long time. (taps playing) >> so long, oriental! (cheers and applause) >> jack: by the way, lar, thanks for bringing the n-word back for us to use. >> larry: i did no such thing! get out of here, you guys! (applause) i didn't bring that back. (cheers and applause) i had no idea we can't use toots anymore. i had no idea. i'll have to stop using it. all right. moving on to our top story -- societal malignant tumor george zimmerman. >> george zimmerman is selling the gun he used to kill unarmed teenager trayvon martin, placing it up for auction online today. >> larry: yup, this is america, everybody. i'm just going to give everyone
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at home a minute to pick up any items you may have just thrown at your television set. who woke up this rotting piece of human excrement and, better yet, why is he doing this? >> zimmerman says he doesn't feel comfortable -- simply locking it away. >> larry: i would feel "very" comfortable simply locking you away. (cheers and applause) i would feel very comfortable. you don't have to lock it away. you can just throw it in the trash! you know, "trash," that thing that you are and always will be. (cheers and applause) right? all right. what else did this bloated taint-gristle have to say for himself? >> speaking on the phone, he was unapologetic about the sale. >> george zimmerman: what i decided to do is not cower. i'm a free american, and i can do what i'd like with my possessions. >> larry: yes, so why don't you take your possessions and shoot yourself? (applause) just do it! and in case you weren't disgusted enough, let's take a look at the original ad he
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posted for the gun. check out the "item condition"... "used." okay? (audience reacts) america, i need to ask you a serious question, what the entire (bleep)?! and by "used," he means "the firearm was used to defend my life and end the brutal attack from trayvon martin. it has recently been returned to me by the department of justice." and then he says, "the firearm is fully functional as the attempts by the department of justice on behalf of b. hussein obama to render the firearm inoperable were thwarted." b. hussein obama?! i love how racists can work a muslim slam into "any" unrelated conversation. man, he killed two birds with that racist stone. of course, he also claimed the birds were attacking him. (laughter) right? but reason has no place in this ad. zimmerman even claims the gun is a hot item on the museum circuit. "many have expressed interest in owning and displaying the firearm, including the
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smithsonian museum in washington, d.c. okay. first of all, please do not cast michael b. jordan for this night at the museum movie. too dangerous. incidentally, george, the smithsonian denies any interest, you stupid (bleep). (applause) all right? they're not interested. okay. now it looks like the auction site has been taken down, so yea america. but here's why this gets me so angry -- every time george zimmerman is a trending topic on twitter, every time his name pops up on the news, every time he takes up any real estate in my brain at all -- it's a reminder that he's a free man who can do whatever dumb (bleep) he wants, while trayvon martin doesn't get to grow up. (applause) so tonight i'm thinking about you, treyvon, and not the asshole that killed you. and george zimmerman...
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you can go to hell. (applause) oh, and actually, on that subject, let's go live to hell to see how this news is being received. (cheers and applause) thanks for joining us, satan. very nice of you. >> thanks for having me, toots. >> larry: toots? d.c. police down here, pal. >> larry: oh. by the way, loved you at the corporate dinner. edgy stuff. >> larry: thanks, i guess. what's the reaction to this zimmerman story been like down there in hell? >> i'm just blown away. look, when it comes to evil, i'm the guy. i have hellfire and brimstone, basically since the dawn of time. but i look at this zimmerman guy and i'm, like, man, this mother (bleep) is pure evil. you know what i mean? not gonna lie, i'm a little worried about my job. you know how those latinos like to steal jobs. build a fence. that's what i say.
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>> larry: i thought being the prince of darkness, you would love this story. >> love it? it's a nightmare. i don't even have a place down here dark enough for this soulless bloated genital wart. swear to ya. >> larry: you don't have a place -- what do you mean? >> nobody down here is willing to bunk with this monster. am i right, idi? yesterday amin. >> listen to me... i don't even want this hairy bag of (bleep) stink eating in the cafeteria with me. >> larry: idi amin? yes! >> larry: okay. two questions. first, you have a cafeteria? >> yeah, it's crap, but we're going to get a subway when jared gets down here. (cheers and applause) >> larry: okay. second question -- zimmerman is too much for you? yesterday amin? >> larry, sure, i killed and ate my political enemies, yes, i did this. am i proud? i don't know, sometimes. >> a little bit.
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okay, but i didn't go off and try the auction off my knife and fork as souvenirs! that's just wrong! (bleep) that guy, larry! >> larry: you're right. by the way, great job at the correspondents dinner. i loved it. >> larry: thanks, i guess. arry, it ain't just my boy idi who's creeped out by this creep. break it down for him, adolph. get out here! >> my boy! hold for applause! george zimmerman is a fat tub of rancid goat (bleep). reasonable people like us can agree on this, nein? >> larry: uh, i would say i would rather not agree with you on anything. >> look, i've done some bad stuff, and even some stuff you don't know about -- i invented crocs. >> yes, he did! >> larry: you invented crocs? i told you -- i'm evil. but i will not have the hitler name associated with george
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zimmerman! by the way, loved the correspondents dinner. >> larry: thanks, i guess. it was good. it was good. >> look, larry, we gotta go, evil doesn't rest-we have to get to work on overturning that tom brady suspension. >> everyone: go patriots! hell's team! (cheers and applause) >> larry: we'll be right back. at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber. be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ♪ ding! hot pockets!
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. it's time to check in on what's happening with the unblackening. ♪ ♪ (larry humming) favorite song... so bernie sanders is having a bittersweet week. though he won west virginia, hillary still wound up with half of the state's delegates. yet according to this interview with msnbc's andrea mitchell, bernie isn't backing down. >> sanders: we have a shot. it's a steep hill to climb, but we're gonna fight for every last vote. so please do not moan to me about hillary clinton's problems. (cheers and applause) >> larry: bernie, you don't get to control andrea mitchell's moaning. there is only one man who can do that, and it's her sex-god husband alan greenspan. just sayin'. just a point. still, hillary wasn't the only presumptive nominee to benefit from bernie's win. >> mitchell: the exit poll data from west virginia which shows that 34% -- 34% of the sanders'
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voters said that they would vote for donald trump in a trump/sanders matchup. >> larry: a third of bernie voters were just trump supporters with nothing better to do? is west virginia that boring? surely there is some gargantuan ball of twine or mouse-themed carnival pizzeria that's more fun than (bleep) up this election. here with how the clinton camp is handling these sanders victories is clinton campaign aide carlos jordanson. (cheers and applause) >> hey, how you doing? >> larry: so what's the feeling amoption the clinton campaign right now? >> this whole thing is really an inspiring underdog story! >> larry: wow, so even the hillary camp can't help but get swept up in the bernie story? >> no, hillary clinton is the underdog! yeah. >> larry: what? >> a smalltown girl -- from city -- trying to win the presidency. it's a story straight out of hollywood. more riches story. >> larry: i think you mean rags to riches.
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>> gross. no. hillary may have been on the board of directors at wal-mart, but that's as close as she gets to rags. >> larry: okay, fine, but hillary is not a hollywood underdog. >> considering how much super pac money we have from hollywood, i think we're the ones to make that determination. but you're right, she's not an underdog. >> larry: thank you. technically, she's an "underdog" underdog. hillary is losing primary after primary and yet she's still out there plugging away like seabiscuit. is she gonna win the race? i don't know. (fake nervous) it's such a nail biter. >> larry: but you know she's gonna win! >> i don't know. bernie looks strong. stay in, bernie! stay in! >> larry: wait, you want him to stay in? >> his victories enable our victory. it's the gift that keeps taking. think of it like the tortoise
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and the hare. the tortoise crosses the finish line first, but the hare is declared the winner because of her friends on wall street. >> larry: that's awful. hey, blame the stupid broke-ass tortoise. >> larry: carlos jordanson, everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) hello! nice to meet you! welcome, welcome! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch. you can only answer in emojis.
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and now, find dory in the paper towel aisle! get disney pixar's finding dory prints before they're gone. an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. (cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor jordan carlos. "the nightly show" contributor robin thede. and she's currently starring in the broadway musical "shuffle along," singer, actor and broadway legend, audra mcdonald. (cheers and applause)
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and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. man, i love this crowd! >> yes! (cheers and applause) >> larry: we talked about this monster earlier in the show. this morning acquitted murderer george zimmerman put the gun he used to kill trayvon martin up for sale, then the gun auction was taken down. what's the most offensive part? selling it? or the people who want to buy it? >> yeah, listen, sorry, i have been livid about this all day. to me, if you have to choose one, it's the people who want to buy it. george zimmerman is a murderer. i expect him to do terrible things, but people who actually want to own this? i don't understand that at all. >> actually, i find george zimmerman more disgusting in this case because i could see how someone would have a weird fetish of wanting to buy it. i mean, for me, it's like could something good come of this?
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yeah, somebody could buy that gun and either melt it down or use it to, i don't know, raise money for awareness for something else. good could come with it. >> larry: or joking with it. (laughter) >> i don't ever wish death on anyone. >> larry: i do (applause) >> well, i have been thinking about what i'd wish on george zimmerman and my wish is he ends up in the most dangerous women's prison in america. (cheers and applause) (laughter) that's where i want him to end up. women's prison because they will tear him limb from limb. >> because he beats women, also. yeah. that's why we want him to go to a women's prison. >> larry: why is this guy walking around? how can the police justify giving any kind of weapon to this person. >> well, uh... florida? probably the answer to your question. flap flap it's(laughter) it's the only state texas looks
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down on. at least we're not florida! jeez! but that's the problem, corruption and then you get the situation like this. >> larry: who said fetish? do you think this has to do with our fetish for guns in america? the fascination for this? >> there is obviously a fascination in this country with guns, but there is also a fetish for things like the fact that you have women that will sort of write to people in jail and say i'll marry you, or you will have people who want to buy strange -- supposedly there is an auction for charles manson's hair. >> larry: yes, there is a site called murderabilia. >> yes. >> larry: seriously, people... it's pretty boyish. it's pretty luxurious. >> but the thing is, you really want that greasy hair? >> manson was going to get married and he was, like, i don't know, she's a little too crazy for me. >> that's an indictment! (laughter)
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>> he goes to a special murderer tinnedder tinder or something? >> it has less to do with the fetish for guns and more to do with the disregard for black lives. nobody's buying the guns used in columbine. you know why? because it's a horrible thing to do. but the difference between that case and the difference between this case is a black life. >> yeah. and he was a teenage child and he did not deserve what he got, and it's just appalling. (applause) >> it's true. there is an ambiguity. like, was trayvon martin a kid, a man? he was 17 years old. >> he was a child. but in columbine and handy hook, we're sure they're children, and i think that benefit of the doubt was given to george zimmerman in this case. >> larry: no one actually bought the gun, you know. >> i bet somebody would have. they took it down or somebody would have.
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>> i also feel so badly for trayvon martin's family because every single time this sort of -- can can i say a bad word? >> larry: yes. this (bleep) comes up, every time he does, and he tries to gain notoriety from this horrible thing he did, they have to relive over and over and over again. and why isn't trayvon martin trending? why is it always george zimmerman? >> yes. (applause) >> by the way, i would just add in the audience, people were emoding in black. (applause) >> they're sick of this, too! it's like this man keeps popping up and the people who support him, i do not understand. and they want to gun control, and their right to bear arms, no, it's not. >> no. , it's not! it's about racism!
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pure and simple! (applause) >> i tell you what, i know this much, that if treyvon had been a white child and george zimmerman had been a black man -- >> come on. -- and even if he had ended up being acquitted with the stand-your-ground law, they never in h a million years would have given him back the gun. never in a million years. (applause) >> i don't understand why this was pt punished as a -- wasn't punished as a hate crime. >> larry:. >> larry: it wasn't punished at all. >> because he was protected under stand your ground. but does florida have hate crime laws? >> larry: you have manatees in florida. >> isn't there a shark that can attack him or something? >> when you enter florida. it says, welcome to florida, all bets are off. it says that. abandon all hope. >> can i read you something? >> larry: go for it.
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you have something in my bra. >> larry: bringing something out of her bra! >> in the ad he put online, he said, "offers to purchase the firearm have been received, however the offers were to use the gun in a fashion i did not feel comfortable with." what exactly? >> larry: the fashion he's comfortable with is shooting people! >> thank you! because someone wanted to use it to go to a turkey shoot? >> no, you know what it was? to melt it down and use it to provide assistance for treyvon's family. >> i didn't like the fact one of his excuses were, look, even museums want this piece. museums have huge exhibition force all the horrible things hitler did, whatever. so i think he was thinking he was going to be some gorgeous museum piece where he was
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floating with angels. >> larry: there is a place for infamy in those types of institutions. i mean, certainly, with people like oswalt who shot kennedy, that rifle has a place. but this type of infamy, i want it expunged from our memory. at least this guy. >> yeah (applause) >> larry: i don't want to see this guy again. i want him gone. >> it's not like he's leading a movement. he's not as powerful as the k.k.k. he's an asshole. >> larry: he's not even a guns advocate. he's an asshole. >> an asshole rights advocate. >> larry: we'll be right back. i think we solved that one. >> if you live in the new york city area or are planning to visit, grab free tickets to "the nightly show."
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(heers and applause) >> larry: all right! thanks to my panelists -- jordan carlos, robin thede, audra mcdonald. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it 100. tonight's question is from an audience member named andrew. let's take a look. >> hey, larry. would you rather spend five minutes in the octo-gon with rondy rousey or mud wrestle with jon stewart? keep it 100! >> larry: lo kid meg? easiest question ever! come on, jon stewart! let's mud wrestle, man! me and you! that's easy! thanks for watching! goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. i'm so excited our guest tonight a very talented writer and actor, here to tell us about his new list app, b.j. novak is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) first up, let's get to the big news out of england.


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