tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central May 18, 2016 2:37am-3:08am PDT
( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists jordan carlos, grace parra, and the great lewis black. thanks for watching, everyone! good nightly! >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on facebook! mike webb is running for congress in virginia's eighth district. he recently posted a screenshot of his desktop to his facebook page. oh look, he's got a lot of tabs open, he's clearly a busy guy. quick poll: anyone not know
where this is going? jack, turn on the thermal porn scan. beep, beep, beep. [laughing] >> chris: oh, no. >> porn detected. porn detected. [ applause ] >> chris: we have porn tabs. [laughing] >> chris: so, in addition to a yahoo search and his at&t bill, mr. webb was also checking out: "layla rivera tight booty" and "ivone sexy amateur". so he's into fitness and entrepeneurs! that's fantastic. [ applause ] >> chris: he's a politician. naturally he had a excellent reason. he was testing for viruses.
he had the porn sites open so he could test for viruses! maybe he was actually jerking it to his at&t bill. oh god, i can't believe i have the roll-over minutes. why not just say i was cranking it to porn. that he likes to do some genetic re-districting? think anyone would fault him for ha? these aren't insane categories. any candidate who embraces his love of the pornographic arts would thrive in today's political landscape! what a breath of fresh air, based on the election. comedians, what's a campaign slogan for a blue movie-lovin' politician? paul goebel. >> i will be a hillary in the streets and a bill in the sheets. [cheers and applause] >> nice. [ applause ]
>> chris: greg behrendt. >> mike webb, i promise jobs, a blow job. >> chris: points. maria bamford. >> -- every pot and a sauce ablg in every stink. >> chris: a sausage in every stink, indeed. it's time to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to the "@midnight" program. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday! now today -- normally we don't get to give anyone anything. people don't get [beep] for tag team tuesday. not to spoil it too much. but today is being presented by the new movie "teenage mutant ninja turtles: out of the shadows," in theaters june 3!
tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, and the winning tag team partner will receive tickets to see the movie opening weekend! that's a thing you can hold in your hand. > [cheers and applause] >> chris: paul this owe podcast "paul goebel. [cheers and applause] >> chris: performing june 1st through the fourth greg behrendt. [ applause ] >> chris: and star of "lady dynamite season 1 and performing at the wild west comedy festival in nashville. one of my favorite people in the world, maria bamford. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: let's see who you are playing for. paul, you are playing for @jayhar215. greg, you are playing for @tommyzee81. maria, you are playing for @xrandylex. right here on the end. [ applause ] >> chris: clearly kraeufrpging it out in a comic bookstore like you do. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. here are some things that i'll have to explain to my mom later. hi, mom! first up, kim possible. iran has accused attempted internet-breaker kim kardashian of being a secret agent, and to her officials say her provocative instagram photos promote a lifestyle at odds with islam and the iranian youth might be tempted by the decadent ways of the north west. but relax iran, just because kim can infiltrate and destroy kanye west's reputation doesn't mean she can do the same to your country. but let's assume they're right. comedians, what would be the
name of a spy movie about kim kardashian? greg behrendt. >> wow, i surprise myself. from a skew to a till. [laughing] >> chris: oh ya, a part two. >> it's a raging bond movie. >> what! chris: very well done. >> where did that come from. chris: points. paul goebel. >> the man from my uncle's poker game who use to watch me in the shower. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: maria bamford. >> the women who knew too little. [laughing] >> chris: perfect. points. >> chris: next, knife lady. is local news is full of interesting old women with huge knives in their cars. hey, look, here's one now!
tip o' th' "hat"-midnight to @brandonreef for his quick thinking in taking a picture of his tv for us. comedians, why does this old woman have a huge knife in her car? a, she eats nothing but miracle whip sandwiches for years. b, to get dna samples from a [beep]. c, she's a knife salesman, duhhh. >> [beep] it has to be one of those options. >> chris: yes. >> that's how that works. >> b, she's hardcore, b. chris: that's the correct answer. to get dna samples! [cheers and applause] >> chris: as delighted you are as the answer. let's play this out. take a look. >> you look like you're sticking a hand or done in my window. you may get away with killing me but i'm going to get some dna. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. today was world baking day, when masses of people logged onto pinterest saying, "hey, i can make this," only to end up making this: instead. [laughing] but if the countless food fails posted online have taught us anything it's that cooking is an exact science, where the tiniest change can be the difference between "delicious" an >> chris: "horrible dogfood." so let's throw caution and e.coli to the wind with tonight's hashtag, #oneletterofffoods examples: "chicken singers" and "poop tarts" or pop farts! either one! i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. >> maria.
asterol. >> chris: greg behrendt. >> chicken mcfugets. hris: paul. >> scream of wheat. chris: maria. >> craft shingles. hris: paul goebel. >> [beep] chris: maria. >> bete cocker. >> chocolate milf. [cheers and applause] >> chris: maria bamford. >> holeslaw. chris: greg. >> kung poo chicken. chris: maria. >> hot hogs. [laughing] >> chris: i'm giving you points for how apologetic your face was when you said that. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #oneletterofffoods
and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @whattheschmuck. well done! (man) ah i forgot to record that show. (woman) now we have to wait forever to see it. (jon bon jovi) with directv, you don't. ♪ you see, we've got the power to turn back time. ♪ ♪ that show you missed, let's just go back and find. ♪ ♪ and let's go back and choose spicy instead of mild. ♪ ♪ and maybe reconsider having that second child. ♪ ♪ see, that's the power to turn back time. ♪ (vo) get the ultimate all included bundle. call 1-800-directv.
♪ sfx: sound of cars crashing. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ why do we enforce seat belt laws? because in real life, you don't get a second chance. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play talent no. talent no. everyone has unique talents, for example mine is my ability to make anything into a dick joke and let me tell you, it is hard. see.
however, not everyone's talents are as good. but that doesn't stop people online from sharing their skills and lack thereof. so comedians, i'm going to show you a video of a unique talent and, for 250 points, i want you to answer a question about it. first up, a martial arts expert. >> oh, jesus. what is this technique called? paul. >> crouching tiger, fired substitute. >> chris: that was good. fair enough. greg behrendt. >> a classic kick fall into a bench [beep]. chris yes, points. maria bamford. >> i like to call that show and fell. >> chris: yes, points. >> ya!
chris: next up this man is milking the spotlight. [cheers and applause] >> chris: kind of reminds me how i got this job. comedians, why! tp-rb greg. >> he's lact'ing out. [ applause ] >> chris: points. maria. >> he is suffering a neolistic crisis because of the amount of human suffering in the world today. when you're left alone with milu suppose to do. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: crisis.
>> you're so right. chris: paul goebel, why. >> this is a leaked trail for marvel's new stand alone film, milk guy. it's going to be great. i'm watching it. >> it's going to be awesome. >> chris: next, this band's packed concert. >> it's the final count down. what is the band counting down to? greg. >> first off anthony looks heeled, seems happy, in full voice, they're counting down to their fan. >> chris: okay, points. finally this coordinated kiddo.
[laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: and that's how my baby became a woman. what does she grow up to be? maria. >> a good friend who tells it like it is. [laughing] >> i love you. it's time for our live challenge, pumpkin spice lies. buzzfeed took a break from its usual corgi and pokeémon journalism this week to publish a listicle of greater social import called: "20 wrong assumptions people have made based on how i look" that featured people holding up signs with erroneous judgments others have made about them based on their appearance.
like this heart rendering post. one from buzzfeed employee emma tyler: "people think i like pumpkin spice lattes." the injustice! it's horrifying in this day and age the truth is she enjoyed a well-rounded sampling of seasonal beverages of which the pumpkin spiced latte is not one! but no one bothers to ask her! [ applause ] >> chris: so, while she was living this tortured life she can't even the best response came from twitter user @mariamaiyed who said: "and people think i'm a terrorist, becky, get over it. [laughing] [cheers and applause] which has so far been retweetd over 60,000 times.
comedians, i'm guessing there are some things people assume about you based on your appearance, so please follow in this brave woman's footsteps by writing your own sign. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] ♪ don't you dare follow your dreams. think big. or demand your own space. don't you dare leave it all behind. don't you dare ask what's next. introducing the first-ever cadillac xt5. ♪
t-mobile does data, differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use... ...now, t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services... free! without using one bit of your lte data. plus, you can roll your unused data forward. nobody does data like t-mobile. so switch today and get 4 lines for just 30 bucks each.
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a buzzfeed article where individuals held up signs with judgments people made about them based on their appearance, and asked you to write your own. people may look at me and assume i jerk off to ryan seacliff flash pic. maybe that's a safe assumption, i don't know. greg, let's start with you. >> this happens quite a bit
but -- [laughing] >> -- people, ya people think i manage smashmouth. >> chris: they do. paul. >> kwreg thinks i read his book ask saw the movie they made of it pwaouz i told him i did, to get out of a conversation. [ applause ] >> ouch. chris: bamford. >> people think i'm 45 and the tail end of my career. i also love ice coffee #-- >> chris: a thousand points to maria bamford. 500 to greg and paul: [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for scandalgate. tuesday was the anniversary of the watergate hearings back in 1973, which were important for
two reasons. one, because they reminded us that no one is above the law, and two, because now, every (/ bleep/ ) time there's a scandal, everyone adds the word "gate" to it. for no good reason. watergate was just the name o the hotel. where the robbery happened. it doesn't make sense. you understand that stuff happened at a la quinta tom brady would be in deplate quinta. so comedians, just to illustrate the point, i want you to add the word "gate" to something to create a scandal. examples may be "my girlfriend's period is lategate" or "gate blanchett." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. bamford. >> global climate change gate, right. not real. >> close your porn window gate. hris: points. >> wayne the gate johnson. chris: points. >> pray away the gate.
chris: points. greg behrendt. >> snake gate. chris: i get it. >it.maria. >> gluten gate. chris: paul. >> turtle gate. chris: greg. >> water gate gate. chris: perfect. paul. >> the crocodile done dee dundy. good day gate. >> chris: i'm sorry, we have to eliminate you. you're in last place. any last words? >> ya, lock if you want to book smashmouth -- >> chris: red light him. do not let him book smashmouth. don let him book smashmouth! >> chris: that means it's time to continue our war coverage. it's for the win!
it's been almost a week since hostilities broke out in lower manhattan and we have obtained some graphic images coming in from the front lines. we've received reports that one man has been hung from a building on canal street and i have to warn you, this image may be harmful to sensitive viewers with spelling problems. take a look. tragic. this is the work of mad men. poster wars where new york ad agency have decided to [beep] off by plastering little post-it note scenes and messages to rival agencies across the street. comedians, it's a time of war and we need you to roll up your sleeves and do your part. i want you to make your own contribution and create a message for the great canal street post-it war effort. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. gate.
what a lovely home you have. is this your family? yea, that's my daughter, my son, and that's my... hey, kool-aid man! ...husband. oh yeah!!! [ crashing ] [ electricity crackles ] hey at least you got your homeowners insurance through progressive. by bundling it with your car insurance you saved a ton! yeah. do you want to see the rest of the house? -i can actually see a lot of it. -oh. [drums and anc♪ors away melody throughout.]
to get to you... they'd have to get past us. jimmy will wear two jackets no matter the place or the heat. ♪ to keep his style dry, he uses the new axe which activates with body heat. schick xtreme3. 3 flexible blades... ...that adapt to any contour... ...for extreme comfort. schick xtreme3. try xtreme3 ultimate. more glide, better comfort. free your skin.
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, i told you about the canal street post-it war being waged among new york city ad agencies and i asked you to come up with your own contribution to the war effort. let's see what you came up with. first one ... [beep] you, trees. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you like that or you [beep] hate trees. either one. or ... we are a male demographic
from -- to 45 who suffer. who do you think pays for "@midnight." who is number one? paul goebel won the internet. congratulations. you won your tag team partner tickets to see "teenage mutant ninja turtles: out of the shadows" in theaters june 3! also [beep] you trees. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be emily heller, janelle james and kurt braunohler. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #oneletterofffoods and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. goodnight! [cheers and applause] one minute to air, jennifer. all right. i'm coming. hey, hey, jennifer, jennifer. can i just talk to you about something real quick? yeah, sure, will, but make it quick