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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 20, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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mike yard, and paul scheer. we're almost out of time, but before we go i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from an audience member named ramon. let's take a look. >> hey, larry, which reality star would make the best politician, caitlyn jenner, omorasa, or honey boo? keep it 100. >> larry: oh, okay. we already have a big orange honey boo running right now. so honey boo is the obvious choice. thanks ff watching. good nightly, everyone! give me a harder question. challenge me! challenge me! it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, the gawker isn't just that show with omar that you set your watch so you didn't feel left off, it is
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also the official magazine of guantanamo bay. yes. gitmo has another kind of mag. now to read the wire magazine you think guantanamo bay was a tropical softball destination for american military personnel and not, repeat not a modern concentration camp filled with terrorists in orange jump suites kind of like arc of asylum with fewer mid letters and more banana rats. like this mere. it's me banana rat, death to america, i'm a gitmo. there is o so much to do. there are floating bouncee castles. yay. and frisbee golf there is frisbee golf. look at all that fun right there. what else, water boarding, and ham, subbing you lent ham. -- su cu lent ham, you guys, so delicious. i love ham. i might have to join a terrorist cell just so i can dwet some of
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that sweet sweet ham, you guys. >> chris, have you ever used the word su cculent in normal conversation, is it possible? >> yeah, when i'm talking about this next picture, su cculent ham. of course we have. >> you have a very succu lent swelter on today, i appreciate it. >> it looks like one of those banana rats should be on it. >> chris: he is just cut, just ripped. >> i don't know if i am become attacked by 22 jump street and somebody that should be proctoring an sat exam. >> chris: nicely done. the last thing would you want to read in prison is a magazine about a prison but i think this could spread, this could be a trend, you know, on the mess halls and watchtowers across the land. what is an article you might read in a prison magazine, dan,
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let's start with you. >> how about escapees, where are they now? >> chris: yeah. joe derosa. >> how about ten ways to use your butt hole, it's not just for-- any more. al jackson. >> how about, what gang colors are hot this summer. >> chris: yeah, perfect. it's time to start@-- "@midnight". ten ways to use your butt hole, you won't believe number eight. >> i got to two and i was like i want to know, let's go through this. >> chris: tonight's comedians are his our special dan soder not special appears saturday at 11 o p.m. on comedy central, dan
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soder. cohost of we'll see new hell podcast on fan-- fangoria performing at comedy works in denver june 159 through the 19th, joe derosa. performing at dr. grins, comedy club in grand raped, michigan, june 2-7bd through the 5th, al jackson. now it's time to make our founding fathers turn over in their graves, it's panderdome. there are things from the internet because it is the only way you millenials can process news, first up, marco rubio, florida's karate kid,s with the subject of wax on drop out. the subject of a "washington
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post" article claiming he is directionless since dropping out of race. that send the bugger on a i czar twitter tie rate about his workout habits. a friend says rubio is betwix and between whether to do chest or legs tomorrow at the gym. according to the sources who knows his cousin's wife dentist rubio could do cardio instead. oh, what a takedown. whatever is workout habits are they are paying off because the shirtless picture of marco showed up the a billboard in alabama this week and it looks delicious. comedians, what is marco doing shirtless on a billboard in alabama. a, breastfeeding a kitten for the aspca. b, fellating a dickcicle. posing with kid rock for a fishing license awareness month. joe. i will go with b because i really want to hear somebody say fellating a dic ksicle again. >> the answer is b fellating a
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dicksicle at a spanish gay pride parade. take a look. there it is. >> yeah. (applause) is. >> i like that he is giving it a little kiss too. like he's about to go to work on it. >> chris: this photo shop was hacked on an electronic billboard by somebody on twitter going bid name [bleep] johnny. feks up fell the bern and cauldron bubble things are not going great for disshef eled yoda bernie sanders. will need magic to get that democratic nomination. thankfully he's gotten the support of a pretty magical demographic, witches. portlandes hell a ceremony to amplify pos tifer energy for the
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bernman. let's watch these hufflepuffs in action. >> be the bern, be the bern, be the bern, be the bern. >> donald trump. sharon, no transfiguring while we're trying to do the bernie circle. come on! (cheers and applause) >> we talked about this. sharon peeed on the sandwiches again, goddam it. comedians, what spells will these witches cast to help bernie. joe. >> they will finally remove that immortality curse they put on him 900 years ago. (applause) sometimes when i see bernie i expect him to go tonight from the kript, a hair-raising tale. that's the ends of panderdome,
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it's now time for tonight's hashtag wars. falling off things and getk lost and realizing that the reason you exist is because your mom wouldn't take it in the can that one time. but oh, not so excite ised any more, are you. one traumatic experience '80s kids can relate to is much whatting animated stories where animals get hurt and die like watership down, do you remember that, this poster rabbits caught in the snar shouting this will scar you for life. now netflix and bbc are making a watership down mini series to traumatize a new generation of nbt children. i can't think of a worse idea so i would like you to come up with as many horrible children's shows as you can with the hashtag ruin a kids show. examples might be, this of
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course being thomas the dang engine. or. >> a train that's always late. >> it's always late, man. >> another example might be power bottom rangers. i will put 60 seconds. you're very excited about that. >> that guy is with it. he's with it. >> i will put 60 seconds on the clock. begin. >> "sesame street" walkers. >> points. >> al. >> micky mouse crap house. >> chris: points. joe. >> dora the squirter. >> there is some kind offing a what everywhere. >> chris: al. >> diego, you got to go. >> chris: dan. >> rub and tug rat. >> chris: points. joe.
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>> josse and the pussy hounds. >> chris: points. al. >> charlie brown shower. >> chris: points. dan. >> how about dexter'su genics laboratory. >> chris: points. joe. >> reading rainbow definitely, definitely. >> chris: points thark is the end of the hashtag war. send your hashtag ruin a kid show and tag those "@midnight" to keep the game going. we'll be back with more "@midnight.". >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. hashtag war. well
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(ricky gervais) verizon is the number one network in america. i know what you're thinking, they all claim stuff like that. yeah, but some of them stretch the truth. one said they were the fastest. we checked, it was fastest in kansas city and a few other places. verizon is consistently fast across the country. you wouldn't want to hear from the bloke who packs your parachute, "it's good over kansas." do you know what i mean? so that's, you know...
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anywhere else, splat. only verizon is the #1 network for consistently fast speeds. and now if you buy a samsung galaxy s7 edge you get one free. steady morning energy whether you...e play it cool... how's it going? or don't play it cool. you're attractive! i just... i didn't mean to come on so... i... wasn't coming on to you i actually have a boyfriend. belvita. because we can all use steady morning energy. (sloshing)
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(twist cap sound) unleash a refreshing citrus kick. do the dew. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight" it is time to play road chodes. summer is road trip season which means our scenic highways will be clogged with mini advance full of screaming children and parents turning this car around right now, kyle! it's also a great clans to see truly weird roadside signs. the internet is chok full of such bizarre signs like this. there, with i imes he's warning
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drivers about a goat on a hoverboard or warning goats who are already on hoverboards to stay off the [bleep] road. i don't know what this goat on a scooter is. and why he's angry. i'm going to show you a confusing road sign and for 250 points i want you to tell me what you think it means. first up, this emergency warning for hikers, this emergency warning for hikers. joe. >> be alert, either giant mosquitoes or tiny dudes ahead. >> points. >> i think it might be warning antman crossing. >> next up, this n sfw warning. >> son of a-- this parking space is reserved for anderson cooper. >> sorry. sorry. i'm sorry.
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next up, this neighborhood caution, right there. >> dan. >> dear tickle fight ahead. >> points, joe. >> warning, reindeer not [bleep] around. >> chris: points. al. >> hey, don't ka my doe no ho. >> chris: points. next here is a sign for the fashionable. al. >> walk of shame crossing. >> chris: yeah, points. >> good. that should be in front of like every hampton inn hotel. just be like, go get in your prius and you know what you did. >> chris: all right, next up, this sign apparently posted in some dangerous land.
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>> i have to say, this poor [bleep] is having the worst life. a wheelchair going down a hill, and. >> this county does not tolerate weakness. >> welcome to florida. (cheers and applause). >> chris: very well done. >> definitely the first food delivery app for alligators. >> trevor: >> chris: time for our live challenge. membership has its perks.
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a seefers engagement photos posted to reddit by a couple in innap lis is making the internet rounds because the images really capture the love they share for chili olympic size warehouse store costco. the future mrs. karyne and dan clamette took their engagement series in a costco, probably why people always do the beautiful lighting you can find in a long aisles of grocery or maximum security prison. my guess is they took home 300 more photos than they actually needed. if they love costco that [bleep] much t is only safe to assume the wedding will take place there as well. i would like you to give a toast of someone who attended their costco nuptials. we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be back are more
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♪ ♪ give extra. get extra.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i told you about this couple that took their engagement photos in the most romantic grocery store in all the world, a costco in minneapolis and asked to you give me a toast from the guests at the costco wedding. let's see, dan, start with you. >> congratulations to the couple who doesn't need anything because they have everything in
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kirkland family size. and to their inevitable divorce because neither of them can resist a sample. >> nice, nicely done. nicely done. >> chris: scroa. >> you know, today's proof that true love is real because not one but two people thought it was okay to get married in a costco. i haven't felt this way since my nana's funeral at the quiznos. >> chris: nice. al jackson. >> fellas, do me a favor, always make sure to put her on a pedestal, especially while you still have access to that forklift. (cheers and applause). >> chris: well, let's see, based on the crowd's reaction i have to do a thousand points to al, 500 each to joe and dan. as we go to our next game
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rejected mutants. x men apocalypse is in theaters next week and i could not be more excited. here's some pictures. i know. i got to [bleep] around with some of their stuff, i got to play with some of their stuff. there is me, this is magneto doing his laundry, magneto doing his laundry. technically chris,-- i know, it is just a photo shop. i mean it's a real thing that had. if you are as excited as me to have your brain exploded with mutant goodness, have i great news. we will show you a clip of the movie. keep your eyes open. (cheers and applause)
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>> all right, the movie is krammed in the dang roar room with magneto, storm and missteak, i'm sure there were less awesome mutants left on the cutting room floor like edito who is a mutant made out of the culting room floor. have i to be honest, i didn't think the joke would land even that much. comedians, give me as many rejected x-men mutants in possible as 60 seconds, begin. >> moon crawler. (laughter). >> chris: it was a rough night last night. points. joe. >> vanilla iceman. >> chris: yes, points. joe. >> above erine. >> professor dmx. >> chris: points. >> the social justice warrior. >> chris: yes, points. >> i'm offended that you even suggested that. to the internet! >> chris: al. >> x ray charles krrs points. i just wanted to say that on tv
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and i did it. i did t i said it on tv. >> chris: you said it. >> give me your growns. >> chris: i am sorry, you are in third place, just barely, do you have any last words before we eliminate snu. >> there are so many things i want to say. al looks like a fired ski instructor. >> play it off. >> swroa looks like he buys cigarettes for kids. and finally, please watch my special not special 11 p.m. this saturday on comedy central. >> chris: dan soder! red light. excellent. that means it's time to tell it like i think it is. it is for the win. a cute picture from upon doro game lodge has been popping up on my feed and interrupting my
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daily dose of hate tweets and wizard porn. a baby elephant trying to get a sip of water. this is amazing, this is adorable. but i am looking at this and i think i feel like this could be a meme. does this look like a little kid trying to sit at the grownup's table, like hey, like-- so i feel like this could be a meme for anyone who is-- who is young but then acts like they know [bleep] anything. this is begging to be memed like right here. i already know we have college liberal for young opinionated people to contradict themselves. afraid of hormones and milk. sake takes acid from strangers. but this means more fitting for these type of situations like this. lake this. turns 25, starts giving life advice to 22 years olds. >> or graduated from kindergarten, thinks he knows [bleep] about colors! (cheers and applause)
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>> the thing to help me by coming up with your own big boy elephant meme. we'll have the answers and name a winner when we come back on [engine sounds] the bud light party believes in change. that's why bud light has a new look... and we want to share it with everyone... from our national parks... to our furthest shores... jackpot! to your living room. look under your seats! [squeals of delight] still the same refreshing bud light. with a new look. ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ameand i'm on a mission tok is noprove it's the fastest.er i'm traveling the country betting anyone and everyone that sprint is faster than their network. and guess who's winning? the guy with a trailer full of your stuff. i bet my space suit for that slightly oversized jacket. come on. come on.
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sprint wins! that was fast! yeah, sprint's killing it. the sprint lte network is now more reliable than ever. switch to sprint and save 50% on most verizon, at&t or t-mobile rate plans. if we don't win you over in 30 days, we'll refund your money. athe best things in the life are real. so we brew iced tea the way you brew it at home. for real, delicious, leaf-brewed iced tea. pure and simple. pure leaf. for the love of leaves. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." for the win. i will wipe the scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. all right. for the break i showed you a cute elephant that would make the perfect meme about a young opinionated people without don't know [bleep] but still got opinions like they know [bleep]. i asked to you make your own big
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boy elephant meme. let's see what you have got. first one. >> chris: who was number two? joe derosa has won the internet. congratulationsk well done, joe derosa. nice job, al jackson. thank you so much. joe is the fun yers pern for the next 23 and a half hours. monday, ginger gonzaga, jessica lowe, rhys darby. continue send your hashtags. have a great weekend. i'll see you next week.

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