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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 23, 2016 9:16am-9:49am PDT

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the latest. problem is, we haven't figured out how to reverse it. for now, just log on to plug in some simple info and get up to 50 free quotes. choose the lowest and hit purchase. now...if you'll excuse me, i'm late for an important function. saving humanity from high insurance rates. comedy central (cheers and applause)
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>> larry: whoo! yes! (cheers and applause) yes! thank you very much! thank you! man! what a crowd! show time, the thank you! (audience chanting larry) >> larry: thank you! welcome to "the nightly show." you are correct. i am larry, larry, larry, larry. you know what time it is -- let's see what's happening wh the unblackening. oh, sorry. by the way... on saturday, the "new york times" published something that really disturbed me. >> the presumptive republican nominee coming under fire amid new allegations of inappropriate behavior with women, dozens of women revealing to the "new york times" accounts of "unwelcomed romantic advances, unending commentary on the female form and unsettling workplace
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conduct." >> larry: really? trump's commenting on women's physiques? ever see this guy? he's shaped like a dishwasher. he's got a lot of nerve! trump was quick to speak out against the paper. >> reporter: a defensive trump lashing out on twitter, slamming the report as a lame hit piece, dishonest and a witch hunt ." (laughter) >> larry: a "witch hunt"? well, to be fair, donald trump knows a lot about sexest, outdated searches for women wearing pointy headwear. and trump's not the only one going after the piece. one of the women quoted by the "times," rowanne brewer lane rowanne brewer lane, had this to say. >> i did not have a negative experience with donald trump. the part where i went back out to the pool party and he made a comment, "now that's a stunning trump girl right there," i was actually flattered by. i didn't feel like it was a
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demeaning situation or comment at all ." (laughter) >> larry: the guy calls you a "trump girl" five minutes after meeting you and that's not demeaning? please note that, out of respect, i wait at least a week before i start referring to a woman as a "larry lady." (laughter) a week. seven days. (applause) thank you, ma'am. thank you, larry lady. (laughter) although, in fairness, the "new york times" may be overtrying to prove something in the piece. it may not have been the most non-agenda driven piece of journalism. the question is will it make a difference in how people view trump? >> priebus: all these stories that come out. and they come out every couple of weeks. people just don't care. >> larry: it's true, his supporters just don't care -- maybe that's why they're always asked to wave their "hands in the air."
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(laughter) and nazi like you just don't care. (laughter) (applause) just wave your hands in the air -- nazi like you just don't care! the other day, we heard about another embarrassing trump story. >> reporter: trump also denying reports that he used to pose as his own publicist in the '80s and '90s under the james john under the names john miller or john barron. >> miller: he's somebody that has a lot of options. and frankly, he gets called by everybody. >> larry: okay, think about what you just heard. that is republican presidential frontrunner donald trump impersonating a fictional publicist on his own behalf. jokes write themselves now. (laughter) what bizarreo world is this!? and mr. politically correct -- "i just speak my mind"-- just blatantly lies about this because he admitted it was him years ago.
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>> in 1990, under oath, he testified that he did use the name john barron, and in 1991, he told "people" magazine that he did use the name john miller, so this has already been admitted. >> larry: we know, he's such a (bleep) liar! we know! we know! (applause) plus we know trump likes to impersonate people! he does it all the time! >> trump: you ever see crooked hillary clinton? she walks in, this is how she walks in -- good afternoon, bridgeport. how are you? this is crooked hillary clinton. (laughter) >> larry: he totally captured the way hillary clinton always introduces herself as "crooked hillary clinton." you notice that? that was so life like. (laughter) and his imitations aren't any better when he uses props. >> trump: it's rubio! (cheers and applause)
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>> larry: man, trump has more disregard for water than a flint politician. (audience reacts) oh, too soon? too soon? (applause) some of trump's imitations are just downright offensive. >> reporter: trump insists he didn't know that "new york times" reporter serge kovaleski suffers from a physical disability that limits the movement of his arms. >> trump: the poor guy, you gotta see this guy -- ahhh, i don't know what i said! ahhh, i don't remember! >> larry: in trump's defense -- nope. couldn't think of anything. sorry. in fact, this last year for donald trump has been one extended, lame impression of a human being who's ready and fit to be president. that's all it's been. for more on this, let's talk to the man himself, mr. donald trump. (cheers and applause)
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>> trump: you're welcome for me being here, larry. all of that stupid stuff you were saying before that no one was listening to once again proves that we are the same. >> larry: wait. hold on. how are you and i the same? >> trump: we're both tremendously gifted impressionists, seriously fantastic. both of us, topnotch. >> larry: thank you, i guess? look, that's what i want to talk to you about. why were you pretending to be someone else? >> trump: excuse me. excuse me. that's what an impression is. i mean, come on. in fact -- what do you say we entertain your audience with an impression-off? they'd like that, right? (cheers and applause) >> larry: okay, all right, fine. let's have an impression-off. >> trump: i'll make it easy. droopy dog. you go first. >> larry: all right, i can do that one. (as droopy) hello, there.
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i'm droopy dog. and this election makes me mad. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> trump: not bad. here's mine! (sounds exactly like trump) i'm droopy dog. and have you met donald trump? i mean, h he's a fantastic guy. i mean, very generous. i mean, he'd never do any of the bad things the "new york times" said he did. >> larry: that's not an impression! please don't clap for that. no, no, no. that's just you talking! >> trump: you're missing the subtleties. so first round, a tie. both excellent presentations. round two. i know you do alando clarissian. let's hear it. >> larry: (as lando) how you doing, chewbacca? thank you very much. (cheers and applause) >> trump: not awful. here's mine.
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(still as trump) hey there, it's me, the black from "star wars." i'm casting my space vote for donald trump because i hear he has a big, unbelievable large dong. (laughter) >> larry: hold on a second! the black from star wars? these impressions are horrible. they're not impression. >> trump: another draw. you're tough, larry. good competition. two peas in a pod. one more impression. let's hear your bill clinton. >> larry: (as clinton) i did not have sexual relations with that woman. (cheers and applause) >> trump: (spot-on clinton) i did not have sexual relations with that woman. i didn't. >> larry: oh, my god -- that's actually really good. >> trump: (still clinton) i still you who i'd like to have relations with, though,
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sexually, is ivanka trump. man, oh, man! (laughter) i'd like to ride that sex racehorse into the winner's circle, i'll tell you that much. put her away wet... >> larry: stop! i can't listen to this! fine! you win! just stop! >> trump: (back to trump voice) excuse me, excuse me! i know i win. >> larry: god, i just don't get why americans keep following you! >> trump: i'm like a delicious box of trump steaks. okay? if you look at anything but the name, people think it's delicious. doesn't matter what's inside tastes like crap. >> larry: i agree with that. trump, everybody! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much! welcome back! a lot changed since the 1960s. back then all the major wars were in asia. hillary clinton was a young high school republican. and a new york gay bar called the stonewall inn was routinely raided by police -- solely for being a gay bar. but on june 28, 1969, the patrons pushed back, protests followed, and a movement began. well, now this monument for gay rights could become a monument for america. >> anchor: the stonewall inn may be headed for national landmark status. elected officials held a public meeting monday night to discuss the possibility that the president would make it the first national monument dedicated to gay rights along with christopher park, across the street. >> larry: yeah! (cheers and applause) very good! that is great news for the lgbtq community! and if it happens, the stonewall inn will officially replace
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mount rushmore as the gayest monument in america. (laughter) right in come on... guys, i mean, you know there's some gay stuff going on below the neck. that's all i'm sayin'. really. look at jefferson and washington there. and obviously, teddy roosevelt and lincoln are standing tip to tip. just sayin'. just sayin'. (laughter) a lot could be happening inside that mountain. there's a lot of excitement about this proposed stonewall monument. and nobody seems more excited than the richardson family from topeka, kansas. welcome to the show, stan, julia, and stan, jr. (cheers and applause) >> rory, grace, ricky: hi. great to be here, larry. >> larry: wait, are you guys camping? >> rory: you betcha! camping in monuments is what we do. devil's tower, grand canyon, sequoia national park. just fun. love it. >> grace: so we wanted to be the first in line at stonewall inn!
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>> larry: but stonewall isn't a camping spot. it's a monument to people who bravely fought for lgbtq rights. >> ricky: you really think they know what lgbtq stands for, larry? >> grace: oh, stan, jr. -- hush. of course, we know what it means. lgbtq -- landscapes, geocashing, boating, tents and quality time with the ol' family unit! >> ricky: yep, nailed it, mom. >> larry: okay... so have you interacted yet with any locals inside the stonewall inn? >> rory: we have. and this is a very family-oriented place -- everyone here is calling me daddy! i am the daddy! (laughter) >> grace: and there are park rangers everywhere! >> ricky: park rangers don't wear leather, mom. >> grace: you'd think. especially in this heat! hoo-ha! >> larry: look, i don't think camping trips are what the white house had in mind with declaring stonewall inn a national monument. >> ricky: no (bleep), larry. ory: junior! language, please. it's cable.
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>> ricky: sorry. larry, why don't you ask them what a grinder is? >> rory: what? i know what grinder is. it's a tv sitcom with rob lowe that just got canceled -- but it's not appropriate for someone your age. a little salty in the language. >> larry: oh, man. that's not what he's asking about. look, you guys -- this might not be the most appropriate family vacation spot. >> rory: seems good to us. grace: don't throw garbage, sweetheart. that's how you attract bears. >> ricky: mom, the only thing around here that's going to attract bears is dad. >> rory: well, i am the bigger one. big and juicy. i better watch out! they come up from behind ya, don't they? >> larry: i don't think that's what he meant by bears, guys. look, this monument represents the struggle for gay rights. you know, the stonewall riots in 1969. >> i don't think we had gays in the '60s, larry.
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sorry. >> grace: didn't guys start with ellen? >> rory: i love it when she dances. >> ricky: yeah, mom, that's when they started. larry, can you get me out of here? >> larry: um, i think you have your timelines a little confused. do you guys have any other activities planned? >> rory: yeah, we're going to go ride a power bottom! >> larry: what?! grace: yeah, you know, those flat-bottom boats that you take down canyon rivers. >> ricky: seriously, larry, get me out of here. >> larry: sorry, can't do that. make the best out of it, son. the richardson family, everyone. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra. (pilot talking to tower on radio)
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. (cheers and applause) "the nightly show" contributor robin thede. (cheers and applause) and he'll be bringing us improv show "spontaneanation" to largo at the coronet in west hollywood on saturday june 4th, welcome back comedian paul f. tompkins. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on
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twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. as we mentioned earlier in the show, the "new york times" did a deep dive on trump's treatment of women. they found contradictory examples of him putting women in power while also bringing them down with unwelcome come-ons and mocking their physical appearance. so my question is... why is this not going to make a difference? >> because nothing has made a difference yet, not a single thing. also, do they need to do a deep dive on this stuff? (laughter) age very shallow dive would have been fine, we could have gone home early. >> larry: the kiddie pool will suffice. >> exactly. tread a little water, you're right there. >> for every disgusting thing he says, there is actually a ton of people that say, like that. that's refreshing! it's refreshing he treats women like garbage! >> and gets away wit, i think is what they mean. >> but does he really get away
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with it? we act like he does this stuff and people just let it slide. people talk about every little thing donald trump says and nothing makes a difference. you know whey. >> larry: we expect trump supporters to think like we do. do you think these people care if you're nice to your wife? they don't give a (bleep). those are his supporters. >> i think it's so cute how we don't value women in society, so cute! we love trump is this way! people almost find it endearing. >> larry: yes, reince priebus -- yeah, my brain tries to scramble that name and make an anogram. >> i wish i could make one, too. >> larry: i just had a reince priebus and i'm recovering now. >> i thought it was a harry
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potter spell for destroying parties. (laughter) >> larry: so but you have the head of the republican national committee, the republican national committee chairman who says people don't care. who says that? >> i would say there is probably roughly 51% of the population that cares about donald trump's treatment of women very much and the other 49% are men. >> larry: i don't know if i agree with that. there is a lot of women that support trump in these allegations. >> well, he's got 70% unfavebles with women. women do not support him, largely. >> larry: lo hillary's unfavebles. put them together and it's a net loss of 20? >> i'm not good at math but i feel like that's 128% for hillary. >> larry: together, they've lost over 127% of voters. (laughter)
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>> anfeel the hate! >> larry: don't feel it yet. we need more women. trump can lie about anything and no one cares. i don't know if he's a good lier but he's definitely convincing. he's the art yell of politicians. he's peeing on america and he's, like, that's not me on the video. >> art kelly. that lady greece. agrees. we keep saying nobody cares. i beg to differ. i think people do care. i think there's a lot of people in this country that cares what donald trump says. we focus on the people who are supporting him. to me that's not the majority of the country, so he can say whatever he wants. >> trump does what i like to call sneaky sexism. i feel like -- here's what it, is he promotes women into positions of power which is a very good thing. he had a woman running his construction business.
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but then he dose these other things -- >> yeah, get on in there and run my country! you sexy (bleep)! (laughter) >> larry: some people say he gets away with it because he's rich. i don't understand that comment. what does that mean? >> have you ever been in an argument when you're talking about someone you don't like like a person in the public eye and the comeback is, he makes more money than you do. >> right. this donald trump is the living embodiment of that phrase. people are, like, as long as he has money, that somehow means he is correct and you should shut up. >> larry: it's validation? yeah, you can't underestimate the segment of our population that values this above everything else, that that just means success, that means you're smarter than everybody else and somehow a better person than everyone else. >> larry: it's like when people say they're a millionaire
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because they work hard. >> nurses work hard every day! (cheers and applause) >> larry: how about teachers can work much harder than billionaires and they're never going to make a billion dollars but they're still working hard. do you think the press is trying to bring him down? >> no! are you death kidding me? fox news is against this dude! when fox news is against you and you're a republican! >> fox news, i feel sad for them. they tier only ones actively trying to bring -- they're the only ones actively trying to bring this guy down. (laughter) (talking at the same time) >> come on, work with me here! >> larry: i know. i find myself going, come on, megyn kelley! >> i know! >> larry: all right, we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> if you live in the new york
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with's range rebel and key can wing it all the way to jordan and chelsea's wedding. rumble! road trip. there she is. uh oh, oh, oh, oh, what? so here is our road trip itinerary. what's this? a bunch of different places... nah, bro. we gotta go off-script. rip to shreds every motel, cabin and teepee, between here and the wedding. now get out of my seat. alright. (screams) road trip! whahhhh hahaha... road trip!
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: all right! i want to thank my panelists mike yard, robin thede, paul f. tompkins. and special thanks to bob dibuono as donald trump for being here. thanks for watching. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) central
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. >> trevor: welcome to the daily show. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonight from the angry birds movie, jason sudeikis is joining us. yeah. with the birds, with the birds from the movie am but first, big news coming out of virnlg why. >> mike webb wants to be the next congressman to represent virnlg why's eight district probably didn't help his chances today with a facebook post. he uploaded this screen shot of


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