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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 25, 2016 2:07am-2:38am PDT

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moment of zen. >> right now out of pennsylvania, bill clinton is set to arrive-- excuse me biz cosby is set to arrive at a suburb an ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much! welcome to "the nightly show"! what a great crowd here! i appreciate that! thank you. >> it started with "larry"! >> larry: i am lar larry wilmore. before we get started, i'd like to take a moment to say a little something about beards. >> reporter: andrew jones never made anything less than an a his entire four years at amite high school. jones and a group of students were told they had to shave before they could march across the stage. jones shaved the sides but chose not to shave the goatee and he wasn't allowed to participate in his own graduation. >> larry: you know, that's the same reason why chuck todd couldn't walk at his kindergarten graduation. little known fact.
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(laughter) the more you know... and andrew jones wasn't just a straight-a student he was the valedictorian. (audience reacts) yes, i know. why are educators cracking down on beards? some of the greatest men in h history wore beards. what if they were forced to shave? hey, einstein, that law of relativity looks interesting but you can't publish it until you give steve harvey his mustache back. (laughter) right? hey, jesus, walking on water is cool but i'm not impressed until you get rid of that galifianakis. and colonel sanders yeah, your recipe might be finger-lickin' good but you won't fry another piece of chicken in kentucky until you -- (laughter) i got this! but you won't fry another piece of chicken in kentucky until you lose betty white's landing strip. don't put that picture up! don't put it up! it's a joke! it's a joke! (laughter)
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okay. so we here at "the nightly show" applaud andrew jones for holding on to his convictions. keeping it 100, andrew probably kept the beard because it allows him to buy beers for his friends. i get it -- fight the power. and andrew also seemingly overlooked the obvious fact that beards grow back in about four days. but seriously, we salute andrew for standing up for his principles by not bowing down to his principal. andrew, you also learned a valuable lesson that your decisions have consequences. so in "the nightly show's" eyes you've graduated. (cheers and applause) congratulations. yeah! oh, i almost forgot! it's time for the i haven't forgotten about you mother(bleep) update. ♪ (laughter) that's right!
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i still haven't -- well, you get it. it's the name of the segment. and today was a big day for us in the not-forgetting-about mother(bleep)s community. >> bill cosby will stand trial for sexual assault in pennsylvania as today's preliminary hearing wraps up in the single criminal case lodged against cosby amid dozens of accusations of sexual assault and rape. >> larry: yes! fat perverted albert's going to court! (applause) man, this is going to be the most watched trial of a once-beloved black celebrity since... yeah i can't really think of one. coming up blank. oh, wait, you know whenever i'm blank like this, i pour myself a -- (cheers and applause) i pour myself a glass of o.j. to help me remember. okay. who's another once-beloved black celebrity to fall into disgrace like this?
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mmm... nope, o.j. didn't do it. (applause) okay. i don't know. some people are like, that's right, larry! he didn't do it! so what was this hearing about? >> o'donnell: prosecutors claim the 2004 encountered between cosby and then-temple university employee andrea constand was criminal sexual assault. >> larry: look we talk a lot about the failings of the criminal justice system here -- but honestly, bill cosby going to trial? that's a huge victory. there are so many women who have come forward whose voices were never listened to, and if he gets to experience even a small fraction of the humiliation the women did, i will be happy. i will also be happy hearing the court reporter attempting to read back some cosby statements. (cosby noises) "okay the
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defense rests (whispers) we're doing great." (laughter) and by the way, he's doing the mr. magoo defense again. >> anchor: we see he's making his way there through the -- the security, the metal detector. looked like a bit of -- bit of an issue going through there. >> larry: you've gotta be (bleep) me. that (bleep) can see man! trust me on this! show it again dre! look! he's pulling back right before he hits it! even stevie wonder pretends he's blind better than that! oh you think he's blind? (audience reacts) i know stevie wonder's blind. well, if we can't lock up cosby behind bars, at least we got him to walk into one. fine. believe it or not, there are still people out there who think cosby might be innocent. how's that going to go after today? >> a 2005 deposition from the constand case reveals a cavalier cosby.
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when asked a graphic question about a sexual encounter with another woman, a young model and the manner in which she pleased him, the comedian answered "bingo." >> larry: great. now that asshole's ruined bingo for me. if you're going to bring up a board game, why not monopoly and go directly to jail? how about that. (laughter) all right. what else from leonard part sick? >> bill cosby admitted to quite a bit in 2005 and 2006 during depositions for his civil trial. he described giving quaaludes and alcohol to numerous women before having sex with them, and on the night in question in this case, he said, "i don't hear her say anything and i don't feel her say anything, and so i continue and i go into the area that is somewhere between permission and rejection, i am not stopped." >> larry: you know what i call the area between permission and rejection? rape. all right? and cosby if you're really so cavalier about the women whose
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dignity you robbed, then you should be somewhere between a maximum security prison and hell. bingo, (bleep). we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) there's no one road out there. no one surface... no one speed... no one way of driving on each and every road. but there is one car that can conquer them all. the mercedes-benz c-class. five driving modes let you customize the st eering shift points and suspension to fit the mood you're in... and the road you're on. the 2016 c-class. lease the c300 for $359 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer.
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♪ ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ ♪ let go and enjoy the bold margarita. ♪ get up up on the dance floor ♪ lime-a-rita. ♪ ♪
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♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. a "the washington post" poll says 90% of native americans are not offended by the name of washington's n.f.l. team, the redskins. but, on the other hand, many non-native americans are offended and call for the removal of the name. so we need to debate this. and since we're on cable, the only way is to have people take polar-opposite positions and argue over each other. so without further ado, here's another installment of "pardon the integration."
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(arguing heatedly) >> larry: all right! please welcome "the nightly show" distributors mike yard and rory albanese. (cheers and applause) okay guys! tonight's topic: is the washington redskins team name offensive? mike will take the anti-redskins side, and rory will be pro-horrible racist slurs. ready? >> mike: hell, yeah. >> rory: i don't want to be pro horrible anything. >> larry: and... begin! >> mike: the term "redskins" is absolutely offensive. someone calls me a "blackskin," that person's in the hospital. >> rory: sure, mike. the r-word is offensive to "you." but if native americans don't feel that way, it doesn't matter! they're not protesting -- >> mike: that's 'cause you white people killed them all! look, "redskins" is a relic of our shameful past, and we should remove it, like the words "negro," "oriental," and "bill cosby." >> rory: it's a word, mike! look native american fans of
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the team suffer enough. they have to watch the redskins play football. c'mon! when the redskins take the field, that's the real trail of tears. you know what i'm talking about. (audience reacts) those are the football facts people. >> mike: as a giants fan, i appreciate that diss but you're getting your blindside worked, rory, if you don't think the n.f.l. needs to take action! >> rory: you think the n.f.l. is going to do the right thing? because i think they're too busy pretending to give a (bleep) about domestic abuse to "wowwy about name caw-wing!" >> mike: the team should do the right thing! st. john's used to be the red men, now they're the red storm. sir cause used to be the orangemen, now they're just the orange. >> rory: orangemen? that's not even an insult. who's going to be mad at that besides trump? (ringing bell) >> larry: okay gentlemen. that noise means it's time to switch sides and argue about the opposite perspective. because remember this is a mindless argument. >> mike: i'm not going to do this. every time --
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>> rory: i know, mike. every time you think we screw you, not gonna happen. you have my word. >> larry: switch sides mike. >> rory: all good, man i love you! >> mike: all right, fine. >> larry: great. now, rory will beagainst the name redskins, and mike will add to the centuries of pain and suffering of these beautiful indigenous people. >> rory: great! >> larry: and begin! >> mike: fine. because i have to, let me say we need to stop putting our own feelings on another culture. if they don't think it's a slur maybe we should just drop it. >> rory: ladies and gentlemen, meet mike yard -- professional hatemonger! there he is! whoa! how can you be for such a terrible word? when you shop at bed, bath and beyond, do you ever think, "know what this blanket needs? more smallpox!" >> mike: of course not! i'm saying instead of focusing on a team name, maybe we should do more to help these people who have been treated so horribly ever since european settlers
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came to america! that's why they have to deal with so many problems -- drug addiction, poverty alcoholism -- >> rory: oh, really, mike? (applause) going for the collapse, i get it buddy. so you're saying all native americans are alcoholics? i don't know where you get these outdated racist stereotypes. >> larry: yeah, mike. what the (bleep)? >> rory: thank you larry thank you. why you gotta bring up alcohol? >> mike: i brought it up as an example of the struggle! >> rory: sounds like you're struggling with your own racism. >> mike: look, i'm not the one who's racist! all i'm saying is -- if we remove the native american team names all with we'll have is teams named after white people, like the vikings, and the irish -- >> rory: oh, now you hate the irish?! >> larry: and the winner is rory! because mike hates native americans and the irish! >> rory: don't forget about the vikings, larry. >> larry: oh, that's right, the vikings. thanks, rory. >> mike: what the (bleep)
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rory? you promised. >> rory: i'm sorry mike. it's in my nature. >> mike: (bleep) all y'all. >> larry: this has been another pointless episode of "pardon the integration " . mike yard and rory albanese, everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. "the nightly show" contributor robin thede. and her new album "emily's d+evolution" is out now, grammy award-winning musician esperanza spalding. (cheers and applause) yeah! and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. a new "the washington post" poll says that nine out of ten native americans do not have a problem with the name redskins. we talked about this earlier. so my question is, if most native americans ain't mad why should we be mad? >> they polled 500 native americans but only 44% of them claimed they were involved in a tribe. so 56% of them were just like, i think i've got indian in my
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family! (laughter) >> that's what they call a bunch of black chicks from brooklyn -- looky here! (laughter) >> larry: >> if that poll is true, i'm very set because i've spent a lot of time yelling at my car radio when they talk about this red skin thing. i'm pissed off like, (bleep) and then they don't care? i've wasted my yelling? (laughter) >> yeah, your precious yelling. >> i only get so much! >> larry: who gets to determine when a word is okay? is it just a group or the society? >> i guess you could find out the hard way. say it to somebody's face and if you get slapped it's not good. (applause) >> i like that! >> i'm going to say this, i don't know i would say the group, but as far as the "n" word, yeah white people, we control what happens with that. don't touch it. leave it alone. leave it alone.
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not even in the rap song. i'm done. >> lo one of those who says, don't sing along -- >> when the "n" word comes along, just go, hmm-hmm... (laughter) >> ahhh! >> don't even think it! start thinking about yogurt or some other (bleep). whatever. whatever makes you happy. >> yogurt! >> larry: it had been another ethnic group, do you think it would have changed sooner. >> larry: do you think they would have changed that name? >> yeah! >> larry: i mean, you did the joke the washington blackskins. >> yeah, there is like 12 native americans left. it's an exaggeration but there is not many of them left. >> it's not equivalent of the term. it's not offensive so much
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someone would care but so offensive you can't name another team? what other ethnic group is like that? but somehow you can be like, we're the red -- >> we're the california daily -- >> can't do the san diego sambos. >> that's good point. there is never been a professional sports team named after a derogatory name for black people because black people are 90% of sports teams. they're not going to play for the denver darkies. (laughter) >> in modern terms i know. i like >> i like how they're goings what are you honky? >> larry: the clippers, toner was caught say -- the owner was
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caught saying something -- >> but he was wrong. >> hey, tweets! >> larry: the thunder look at this stephen adams got in trouble for saying he was chasing around monkeys, i don't think he meant any harm about it. the phoenix suns, this is their mascot. (laughter) thank you! okay. i got a problem with this. >> yeah! >> larry: am i wrong having a problem with this? >> first of all, what does a gorilla have to do with the sun in. >> well, depends on who you ask. >> larry: i don't like the non-verbal communication going on in that. >> (bleep), what the hell -- >> larry: it's like, phoenix what are you trying to say? >> the sun turned his -- right right. >> i don't like it because it's not zoozoo logically correct.
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>> what gorilla has a trampoline? that's not realistic. >> larry: doesn't make sense to me. >> i do have a problem. the blackest primate they could find. it is literally the blackest primate they could find. it's offensive. >> larry: you wouldn't have been offended if it was a chimpanzee or an or orangutan with an orange buttbutt? >> i don't think black people get upset at orangutans, but gorillas, yeah. >> larry: you draw a distinction between a orangutan and a gorilla? are you an orangutan? oh thank you! >> nobody ever called black people hey you orangutan! >> do you think black people are too sensitive about monkeymonky?
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>> larry: are you saying because monkeys are adorable? >> they are. people call their kids, you little monkeys! >> it's alluding to the evolution argument that used to be used to say black people are inferior and less evolved. when somebody talks about monkey it's roping into that, i'm the improved version of you you're closer. that's why it's offensive. i don't know even know if people understand that. (applause) >> larry: they understand. >> they don't. that's why they do it. >> and i think most people use it out of ignorance. they're not even that educated to know. >> they've heard it somewhere in the world. >> yeah. >> how do they come up with team names or mascots anyway? like the people sit around in phoenix going, you know what we need? (laughter) to really spice things up in this (bleep) stadium? a gorilla! doing flips in the air and
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dunkin'! just dunkin'! >> do to zoo high! (laughter) >> larry: give me a name of a team that just gets up to the line and pulls back. just make one up. >> make one up? >> larry: yeah. >> kansas city coonhawks (audience reacts) didn't you say make one up? >> larry: horrible. (laughter) >> you set me up, larry! >> larry: we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> if you live in the new york city area or are planning to visit, grab free tickets to an upcoming taping of "the nightly show." go to the
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[ crowd cheering ] beer! ice cold beer! hey, can we get some beers? what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer.
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get ready for the rio olympic games by switching to xfinity x1. show me gymnastics. x1 lets you search by sport, watch nbc's highlights and catch every live event on your tv with nbc sports live extra. i'm getting ready. are you? x1 will change the way you experience nbcuniversal's coverage of the rio olympic games. call or go online today to switch to x1. >> larry: thanks to my panelists mike yard, robin thede, and esperanza spalding. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from an audience member named samantha. >> what would be the name of your ben and jeeries flavor, keep it 100! >> larry: oh, man that's a good one. i've got two. how about this, black walnut matters -- (laughter) -- oh, and


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