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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 27, 2016 2:37am-3:08am PDT

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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, jordan carlos, holly walker, and levar burton. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it
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a hundred. tonight's question is from my good friend lewis black. let's take a look. >> (bleep), marry, kill "the daily show" edition. john oliver, jon stewart, or me. keep it 100, larry, or i'll kick your ass. >> larry: oh, my god! all right, i'm killing jon stewart. >> oh! >> larry: leap, he abandoned us. i don't know what to say. lewis black, all that passion, man. and i'm marrying jon oliver, he's got a j-o-b, you guys. thanks for watching. good night everyone.
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 second, this happened on "l.a." it was announced los angeles will host super bowl lv, that's-- (laughter) in true los angeles style. that is still like five year, i don't [bleep]. >> (cheers and applause). >> chris: let's create more traffic in this [bleep] traffic suck home that is our town. multiple cities bid for the right to host an l.a. soundly beat out tampa, though better than tampa is the least complimentary thing you can say about a city. but before angelinos all clear out our schedules and juice cleanses and surf yoga, the big game is still five years away. comedians please difficult a prediction for something we will see in los angeles super bowl in 2021. jim norton, go. >> the losing team is put to death as per president trump. >> chris: all right, yes.
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jim florentine. >> people in l.a. still won't give a [bleep] about football. >> chris: bonnie mcfarlane. >> a halftime show starring madonna and she still looks great except for her neck. (laughter). >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight" captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. later in the show we'll be giving an all new jaguar xe. (cheers and applause) one of our hashtag how i get around contest finalists, someone might be here in this audience there sitting in this audience, they don't even know it yet. they don't even know they won.
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obviously we'll milk this for everything it's worth. tonight's comedians performing at the mirage in las vegas tomorrow night, jim norton back on the program. his standup special i'm your savior is available on jim and i teuns, jim florentine. (applause) and author of you're better than me, available on amazon and audibles, bonnie mcfarlane son the program. welcome, welcome, welcome. it is now time to admit that olympic has fallen. it's pander dome. here's what is trend on reddit, buzzfeed, twitter and your mom. first up, dine with her, dine
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with her. you enjoy awkward conversations with members of an entrenched political dynasty but you are also very hungry. well, great news. now you kenter to win a dinner with digs tinning wished lady magneto hillary clinton t will be like eating a dinner with your mom if 54% of america hated your mom. (applause) what do i want? what is your favorite thing? (laughter) all you need to do is give her your e-mail address so if you don't win a free meal will you still get served some spam. comedians what will they serve at dinner, bon quee. >> pant soup. >> chris: perfect. jim florentine. >> bull [bleep] on a stick. >> chris: points. next up, all about weaves, everybody knows that trump's hair looks completely ridiculous but no one has been able to pinpoint exactly why.
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but gawker bless their hulk hogan heart thinks they figured it out. turns out, they think it's a weave. what? no way! next thing you are telling me it is spray tan because his skin tone cannot be found in nature. investigators believe that the donald's hair is created by a technique called microcylinder intervention which is exactly what you would call a $60,000 weave. just sct inventor, dr. ivari, ivari international who coincidentally had offices on the 26th floor of the trump towers for years and years right next to the office of the great pumpkin himself. oh what a strange, bizarre coins dense that is. but comedian, let's pretend trump's hair actually has his own scalp grown hair and he doesn't need bimonthly maintenance by a trained scientist. what does he tell his barber? bonnie. >> you can cover up all these fixes? >> chris: yeah.
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boints. d-- points. jim for throw enteen once know what, just make me look like a [bleep] idiot. >> chris: you know what. points. norton. >> i want to look like pat sajak [bleep] a lego person. (applause). >> chris: my favorite part is how respectful you were for saying person. we call them lego people now, guys. that is the end of panderdome. it's now time for the hashtag wars. now it's time for grand breaking research out of the harvard business review that everyone saw coming. people without grew up superrich are more likely to be narcissistic blow hards who don't care about anybody else and narcissism makes people bad leaders. now-- not all of them.
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i know what you are thinking. this is all leading to some kind of trump thing. we're going to make fun of him for being a pampered narsz sis but no, because you know what, i don't think all people who grow up like that are bad. sometimes their daughters are good people who enrich the world with weird tax determinee and-- taxidermy and first cable game show host. yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah. [bleep] you know what, the one percent of the 1 percent is not so bad. so instead of bashing trump let's celebrate wealth and beautiful song with tonight's hashtag millionare song, examples are banks better have my money, or i believe i can gentrify. -- did i will put 60 seconds, begin. >> papa was in the rolling stone. >> points. >> bonnie. >> monday santo got run over by a reindeer. >> chris: point, bonnie again. >> walk like a kaw kaition.
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>> chris: points. jim norton. >> god bless bank of america. >> chris: yes, points. norton again. >> mama said price you out. >> chris: points. bonnie. >> contacts make your brown eyes blue. >> chris: points. norton. >> private jets are watching you. >> chris: norton again. >> under my corporate umbrella. ella. >> chris: point, points, norton again. >> then i saw her face, her coat made of beaver. >> chris: points. bonnie. >> along and winding driveway. >> chris: points. florentine. >> lucy in the sky with blood diamons. -- diamonded. >> chris: yes, poibs. bonnie. >> down with ipo, yeah, you know me. >> chris: points. >> florentine. >> all you ned is love and an ironclad prenewspaper, and i should know. >> chris: points.
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norton. >> i bought the sheriff. >> chris: perfect. that's the end of the hashtag wars. send in your hashtags and tag those "@midnight" to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. war. well played t-mobile does data, differently. war. well played while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use..., t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services...
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versus the lube strip. with a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40% less friction. it's designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. sorry, lube strip. schick hydro®. free your skin®. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." next week i'm back on the road on my id10 tour, all new. it is all new jokesk i will be in new jersey, atlanta, sayreville, huntington new york, herby, pennsylvania, go to id10 tor for tickets and info. now it's time to play dangerous man. the inverchtion the internet, folk have tried their best to look bad ass with swords like this got ninja here. i've always wondered what the evanescence body guards looked
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like. please let's get this starred and until i get carried away and remember ben a tech in the daredevil. first up this collegiate chopper >> so he man yells out. >> i have the power. what is his battle cry. bonnie. >> welcome to red robin. >> chris: points. jim. >> get back or i will sit on this. >> chris: all right. points. florentine. >> get a load of my fairless butt hole. -- hairless butt hole. >> chris: next. the most dangerous senior photo here. what is the senior quote, jim. >> i guess this is what they meant when they said i looked
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rapier. >> chris: oh, excellent. for those of you about to get mad and there is the type of sword. good. next. a woman who is dressed to kill. where does she suggest going for girl's night out. florentine. >> the speerment gyno. >> chris: points. norton. >> homefully chris hardwick's bachelor party. >> chris: yeah. that would be highly unlikely, chris hardwick is having his bachelor party at disneyland. true story, true story. disney dollars into minnie's panties. finally, we learned something in the back of a pavilions. >> an extension of my body.
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flip, flip, across your stomach. >> chris: so what is the next video in his series. >> po year abs. -- 30 year abs. >> chris: points. bonnie. >> mom get out of here, i'm recording something. >> chris: yes, points. florentine. >> protecting your favorite arbies. >> chris: yes, points. that is the end of dangerous men. it's time for our live challenge, big black beauty. >> guys, i-- i am so horny right now. because this is frederik the great, a friesian stallion and he is centered to be the most handsome horse on earth.
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oh [bleep] are you sure that's not beyonc hay. i did not know harry stiels was a ken tawr. that flowy mane. those rippling haunches. that huge horse penis. this is-- this stud photographed here in the world handsomest by the world's handsomest photographer, people all over the web are losing their horsy sauce over this luscious [bleep] stallion. listen. this i will there will never be a more majestic handsome sexy horse on the face of the earth, never, ever. i wish i could just touch and smell him just once. and frederik-- [bleep] knows it. he [bleep] knows it. this is my favorite picture of frederik. because it really emphasizes his horse ass. it says right here so close you could almost rub my shining
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behindy signed frederik the great. which is also amazing because frederik can type. he's also a literate horse. so i want to you sends a sext to seduce frederik the great. we'll get your sexy answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight"
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shoshow me more like this.e. show me "previously watched." what's recommended for me. x1 makes it easy to find what you love. call or go online and switch to x1. only with xfinity. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i told you about frederik the great. a horse the whole world wants to [bleep], a clippity cloppity pile of [bleep] sawssments i asked you to send this horse a sexy text. let's see what you wrote, bonnie. >> this horse is so hot, okay. i had to like relieve myself during the break. but well why the long face and delicious [bleep]. >> chris: yes, absolutely.
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flar enteen. >> could you release several pounds of hey-filled tu rd on my chest? >> chris: very specific request. jim. >> i want to you kick me to death while i try and suck your [bleep]. lol. >> chris: i guess i'll give 2,000 points to everybody across-the-board. as we go to our next game, barf ographys. 7 celebrating those authors who bring us long expensive hard cover accounts of the lives of i
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lose trus people who shape our world. they usually have long and inspirational titles like this one about jay-z, empire state of mind. how jay-z went from street corner to corner office. i probry would have called it choking on lemon naid, the jay-z story. it's not hard, no, it's not that hard, it's very easy. so i want to show you a celebrity and will you tell me what you would call their biography. first up, jeb bush. norton. >> how to win friends when vut personality of a neck goiter. >> chris: points. next up, ko ko the gorilla. norton. >> keeping up with the kardashians. (cheers and applause). >> chris: the name starts with a k, it totally works. next up, ann coulter. >> what satan's dick tastes
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like. >> chris: points. next up, jar jar binges florentine. >> racism for puppets. >> chris: all right, points. he was also cgi too but that's all right. next, kid rock. bonnie. >> florida, the person. >> chris: finally i feel like we should-- jim norton. >> everyone will get to buzz in on this one. bonnie. >> i why i don't have aids yet. >> chris: points. jim florentine. >> he already does. >> chris: points. norton. >> a song in high heard and jiz on my shoes. >> chris: all right, points, that is the ends of barf-ography. mr. florentine, are you in third place, we have to eliminate you. i'm so sorry, do you have any
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last words before we lease you. >> have i to drop a-- so it's all right. >> chris: all right, let's get the red light on him. that means it's time to get out of the audience and into your new car! so it's very exciting. all right. ate midnight about to get fancy as [bleep]. if you are a frequent watcher of "@midnight" and@ficianado, if you will, with you know we are about to give away a new jaguar xe to one of our fans. for weeks we have been pouring over your hashtag how i get around contest sub missions most of which were pictures of your filty feet. we have narrowed down to one entry. and she is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, please put your feet together for the owner of an all-new jaguar xe. she doesn't know until right now, ashley kemp!
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congratulations. congratulations. congratulations. >> oh my god. >> chris: you have a jaguar xe. that is some fancy looking-- how are you doing? >> i'm so excited. >> chris: you're good. you are shaking. >> i'm shaking. >> chris: you're shaking. congratulations. >> thank you so much. >> chris: so now that you have a superfancy new car what is the first thing are you going to do? >> i was gonna give my old car to pie little brother. you just got a license but i think he would probably rather walk. >> chris: the old car was that bad. >> it's that bad. >> chris: that was your car in the video. >> oh my gosh, i'm so glad you got you this car. >> i'm glad. >> chris: we sought video, know you have had junkers, but now thraw own a new jaguar xe. you have to start wearing tuxedos, you have to start brunching. you certainly cannot defame your
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glorious new car with a bumper sticker so comedians, i would like you to help ashley out by mocking up a bumper sticker that you would not want to see on a nice new luxury car and watch during the break to see ashley's winning video sub mission. we'll have the answers and maybe will you get to pick the winner. would you like to pick the winner. >> i would love to pick the winner. >> chris: ashley will pick the winner. >> thank you for giving me this. it rained yesterday. the car smells moldy.
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no way, it's a chevy. oh wow! it's the chevy memorial day sale. time to get the crossover that's right for you. trax, equinox, or traverse. it's very impressive. it's awesome. this is incredible. it'd be a good road trip car. the wi-fi is cool. it's fancy. i love it. get more than you expect for less than you imagined during the chevy memorial day sale. current qualified competitive lessees can get this chevy equinox lt for around $189 a month. plus find your tag and get an additional $500 lease cash on select equinox vehicles in stock. pizza with bacon cheeseburger on it... way, way more perfect. papa's bacon cheeseburger pizza is back. and try our new mushroom swiss burger pizza. just ten dollars each for a large. papa john's dot com
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(cheers and applause). >> chris: it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe the scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. all right, i will read the answers aloud. ashley will decide the winner. before the break we gave a new jaguar xe to ashley here. i asked you to come up with a bumper stick thary she would never put on a new luxury whip, let's see you what came up with.
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first one. you are gaging. >> i don't know. >> chris: okay. or. >> chris: what do you think, ashley? >> number two. >> chris: number two, you said number two, who is number two? who was number two. jim norton has won the internet. ashley won the jaguar xe. thank you for being here, bonnie. we will see new two weeks, my guests will be nick swardson, horatio sanz and mary lin rajskub. i will see you on the id10 tour. check out your new ride. (cheers and applause)
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captioned by media access group at wgbh >> can i touch it. >> chris: yes, it's your car. you can touch it all you want. touch it. >> oh wow. >> chris: smells like a new car. >> i don't have the now, a messam mayor rudolph giuliani. good evening, new yorkers. i'm rudolph giuliani-- [ cheers and applause ] i'm rudolph giuliani. and this is my very good friend, judith nathan. [ laughter ] we gotta make this quick 'cause judith's not supposed to be in here. there's been a great deal of press this week about my personal life, specifically that my very good friend, judith nathan, and i are deeply in love, totally, for infinity, no take-backs. go, yankees! secondly, that my wife donna hanover is acting


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