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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 31, 2016 2:40am-3:11am PDT

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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: thanks to my panelists -- rory albanese, grace parra, riki lindhome. and special thanks to bob dibuono as donald trump or being here. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from an audience member named jessica.
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let's take a look. >> hey, larry. there are two women left on the earth, and you have to repopulate the planet earth with one of them? kim davis or paula deen? which one do you pick? keep it 100. >> larry: it's got to be paula deen! that woman can cook! (cheers and applause) awesome! all the biscuits and everything! i can't believe i said that! goodnightly, everyone! thanks for watching! (cheers and applause) ♪! it was a big day in politics yesterday.
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devil spawn damien thorn lost the indiana primary. [laughing] >> chris: cleared the way for vigo the carpathian. [cheers and applause] >> chris: who as you may remember was born from the river of hate-slime that flowed under new york city. and some guy named kasich dropped out, too. who is that guy. have you seen him before? [beep] let's just put the leprechaun head on him from "leprechaun." poor kasich. he is like i'm out too. so trump is the presumptive g.o.p. nominee now, and peopl -- no we have said the worst things about him on the show.
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if he becomes president i will be mega audited. when did they start [beep] with audits. big dildo. you get pegged by the irs. >> it's trump, not that big of a dildo. >> chris: thank god. thank you. [ applause ] >> chris: people have threatened to move to canada if he wins. most recently, lena dunham. presumably so she can make "girls, eh" on hboh, i'm sorry. a lot of people plan to join her, so, comedians, just in case the canadian government is watching right now, tell them why you'd make a great canuck. tom, go! >> canada, you have to take me. i'm one of the kids in the hole. [cheers and applause] >> -- crashing your head. i'm crashing your head. >> chris: nikki glaser, go. >> i apologize a lot.
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i'm sorry was that too harsh. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, this is going wrong. i'm sorry, i feel it's wrong. >> chris: i'm sorry you're sorry. >> chris: ron funches. >> i promise not to smoke all your weed. [cheers and applause] >> chris: he's crossing his fingers. he's crossing his fingers! >> chris: it's time for @midnight! >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. captioning sponsored by comedy central tonight's comedians are: from "the odd couple," mondays and thursdays on cbs, it's tom lennon. [cheers and applause] >> chris: host of "not safe with nikki glaser" on comedy central, performing at laugh boston may 6-7, it's nikki glaser. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: performing at wiseguys in salt late city may 6-7, it's ron funches. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] >> chris: so, we have an amazing panel. i'm happy to announce this is our 400th episode. [cheers and applause] >> chris: 400th episode. i can't believe it. i have never done 400 of anything. this is crazy. thank you for watching. we never knew this show would work. we are here at 400 with a long way to go. thank you for joining us, we appreciate your viewership. i mean -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: main reason i brought it up it's may the fourth be
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with you. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i bring that up because i spent a lot of time photo shopping this. i wanted to show you. [cheers and applause] >> chris: may the fourth be with you and may the 400th be with us. [cheers and applause] >> chris: anyways let's get on with the show. first up come my lady, come, come my lady. if you forgot about that song, you're welcome. aww, it's a cute little butterfly! comedians, is this little guy about to make a friend or get eaten? ron funches. >> my god i hope he makes a nice friend. i can't handle it otherwise. >> chris: maybe it will be fine. let's find out. (screaming) [ applause ]
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don't worry, that butterfly wl be forever memorialized as a drunk girl's lower back tattoo. what'd she think was going to happen? what'd she think was going to happen? when she brought her dog to the tiny moving creature on the ground. it made me think of this. >> he might be okay. no, probably not, no. [ applause ] next up eco sexual bat -- bathhouse. wouldn't this be better with twigs in your butt. sure it would. >> oh, dear. >> i'm glad they covered up my face. [laughing] >> otherwise it's awkward.
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>> i'm going to [beep] you right in the mouth hole, tom. this photo is actually a threeway because of an earthworm that you can't see. they wigging for a while. what are extra features would you like to see at the ecosexual bathhouse. >> for an extra dollar fifty you can [beep] a giant avocado. >> chris: tom. >> a mallet drops on your head to make you forget. >> chris: nikki glaser. >> a clearly marked exit. chris: yes, points. best one by far. >> thank you. chris: that's the end of rapid refresh.
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it's time for the #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so it's officially thursday, cinco de mayo. commemorates mexico's victory over the french back in 1862. so you know what that means-- drink, mother-( bleep )! that's literally all we know about this foreign holiday. but there are plenty of other holidays you may not know about. which is why tonight's hashtag is #lesserknownholidays. examples: "bring your landlord to work day" and "bird depression awareness day." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. ronald. >> shakaconica. chris: points. nikki. >> every delta gamma's birthday month. you guys. >> chris: points. ron. >> martin luther king senior day he did a lot too.
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>> chris: tom. >> fat shaming tuesday. chris: ron. >> mash wednesday. that's when you watch mash on wednesday. >> chris: points. tom. >> flashlight savings time. [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: points. nikki. >> your dog's birthday aka who gives a [beep]. >> chris: yes. >> no one cares. it's not a thing. they don't know. god damn it. ahhh! >> chris: points. [laughing] >> sorry. chris: that was the best read on who gives a [beep] i have ever heard. who gives a [beep] [beep] [beep]. ron funches. >> jack off smirnoff day that's when holiday does you. >> chris: points. tom. >> pearl necklace day.
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chris: yes. >> nikki laughed really hard. that's awesome. >> chris: nikki. >> lance bass over. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #lesserknownholidays and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. 400! our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @comic werewolf. well done! technology is a living thing. it listens to us. [siri]: how may i help you? it shows us the way. it expands our minds. and gives us vision... where once we had none. this is how civilization moves forward. this - is how we get coffee. the 2016 corolla. technology on a whole other level.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "serving face." "serving face." pareidolia is the subconscious illusion that makes you see faces in regular objects, like this depressed little keyboard key. aww, he's sad because you keep looking at porn. people love posting these kinds of pics online, and thankfully the twitter account @facespics has rounded up the best of the best. comedians, i'm going to show you an object with a hidden face, and for 250 points i want you tell me what that thing is saying. first up, these boxes are up to no good. ron. >> bitch, we ain't fragile. chris: points. nikki. >> i am mary cate. no i'm mary cate.
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>> chris: points. tom. >> no, i expect you to fill me with legal pads, mr. bond. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up this very sad candy bar. ron. >> what happened to us, rop. ron. you use to love me. [ applause ] >> chris: points. i'm dating a banana now. he likes to do butt stuff. >> i'm dating oatmeal he's boring as [beep]. >> chris: tom. >> ahh, my nuts are up -- [laughing] >> chris: next up. this shocked toilet. what is he saying, nikki. >> you big for a bolemic chick.
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[laughing] >> chris: last one. this grumpy peanut butter. ron. >> no dollar amount is going to [beep] around with chocolate. >> chris: ahhh, god damn it. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of "serving face." it's time for our live challenge. "outback painthouse." have you ever wanted a piece of art, but also wanted something that touched someone's balls? well, you could go to goodwill, but now you can also hire pricasso! the australian artist who paints pictures with his digitry do. there he is, looking like the mad hatter just got done. ( bleep ) lisa frank. how does he do this you ask?
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wonder no more curious audience member. watch >> no. chris: this is horrible. >> no! chris: you're welcome. well ... i think ron's weed just wore off, nikki will never sleep, and tom went to cry in the back. [cheers and applause] >> chris: are you kidding me.
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[laughing] >> chris: this is an original pricasso. >> it is an original pricasso. chris: oh. >> for you. chris: thank you, very much. >> we will leave it right there. chris: this is amazing. i had no idea. you guys totally surprised me with this dick painting. i had no idea. [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is going to create a lot of internal conflict. i can't [beep] if i see a picture of myself. i absolutely love it thank you "@midnight" staff and producer. thank you, pricasso. [ applause ] as you can see you know if you were entertained watching this process it's only a matter of time before this guy gets his
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own bob ross style program. so, comedians, give me a line from pricasso's painting instruction show. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight!
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wireless world today could use a smile?ke the at cricket wireless, we think so. that's why, prices for plans are all in, taxes and fees included. and we've got more 4g lte coverage nationwide than t-mobile or sprint. that's a whote lotta network for not a lot a dough. it's what makes cricket the happiest place in the whole wireless world. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a video from pricasso, a man who paints with his dick. apparently who painted me. now i have the only painting that needs to be tested for stds. i'm excited about that. i asked you to give me a bob ross-style line from pricasso's painting show for this art. let's see what you wrote! nikki glaser. >> now if you're a lady following along resign yourself
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to the fact your paintings will look like sea shrugs in a puddle. don't give up, keep squatting and blotting. >> chris: squatting and blotting. great name for a show. tom lennon. >> a lot of people see me painting with me [beep]. they wonder why the pink top hat. i tell them it's so i don't get recognized by my mates at work. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. ron funches. >> now rule number one, you're going to want to stay indoors. [laughing] >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause] >> chris: [beep] i will give everyone 6000 points. [cheers and applause] >> so many points. chris: this will be the most
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points i ever lose with. [laughing] >> chris: it's time for, "buzzspeed: 'star wars' edition." hate it or love it, buzzfeed answers all the questions we've never asked and let us know which milo and otis character we are. i'm otis. by the way i'm an otis. i will [beep] your butterfly. since it was just may the fourth let's find out which star wars villain is your mate. "if you're a kinkster, you'd love a force choke from vader. if you're into hutt stuff, jabba is the one for you." i'd like to go deeper than this and imagine a world in a galaxy far, far away where buzzfeed existed. come up with some buzzfeed articles you'd find in the "star wars" universe. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. >> which burnt corpse are you. chris: ron.
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>> these are the hot droids you all looking for. >> chris: tom. >> one garbage masher on a detention level you must simply shut down. >> chris: points. nikki. >> 15 women magazines trying to get me to like daisy. >> chris: ron. >> 27 questions week he's hav qr other wookies. >> i may or may not be your father. >> eight things harrison ford and calista did in his trailer. >> chris: that's the end of buzz field star wars edition. since i have this painting i don't have the heart to eliminate one of the executive producers. that means it's time to feel the prom.
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it's "for the win!" if you're looking for a fellow to take to the prom, you usually have three options: the captain of the football team, the brooding bad boy, or the renaissance faire enthusiast who can fit a whole roast turkey leg in his mouth. which up with was i. well, high school senior chloe raynaud found an even hotter hunk to escort her to the big dance, a cardboard cutout of political wal-mart greeter bernie sanders! just like the real bernie sanders, he can be swept away by a sudden gust of wind. comedians, i want you to give me a line from the facebook invite to this prom after-party. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. what makes a lipton meal? well, first you start with this. and plenty of that. and these guys. and of course him. a place like... shhh! ehh, no. nope. found it! and definitely lipton ice tea. lots of it.
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because it goes great with these. and this. why not? too many friends. a big yes to this. what makes a lipton meal? what you bring to it. and the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. lipton. be more tea.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. my fun and comfortable tour came out on itunes yesterday. it's free at if you like it there is a version on itunes. it's time for "for the win." i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i will read the answers out loud. you will decide the winner. before the break, i showed you a high school student who took a cardboard cut out of bernie sanders to prom and asked you to give me a line from the facebook invite to the after party. let's see what you wrote. first one ... hey this facebook post is from the limo driver. i lost a leg in korea. i have driven a girl and a
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cardboard cut out of bernie sanders to prom. i have seen enough for me. peace out. poor, murray. [ applause ] >> chris: number two ... i will find a way to [beep] this! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number three ... hey kids come meet cardboard bernie and the world's loneliest girl. [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number two? nikki glaser has won the internet! you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be jesse joyce, damien lemon and marcella arguello. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #lesserknownholidays and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. chrishardwick on snapchat. now i have a dickth: spartan checkup! ♪ take a chance drop your pants ♪


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