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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  June 22, 2016 2:37am-3:08am PDT

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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, rory albanese, robin thede, and adrienne c. moore. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from friend of the show paul scheer. so let's take a look. >> larry, if you had to have penises for toes or vaginas for ears, what would it be? keep it 100. ( laughter )
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>> that's a good question. >> larry: let's see. i don't know. okay, okay. ears. thanks for watching! good night! >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on abcnews.com! it's national selfie day! [beep] [ applause ] >> chris: i'm a [beep] hypocrite. i do it all the time. yes, the high holiday that honors the practice of a taking a picture to show your ex that you're doing way better without her, thank you very much! sara!
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ya, ya. that's right. fun fact: the word selfie is actually portmanteau; "self-" because it's a photo of yourself, and "-ie" because you're an egomaniac. clickbait websites everywhere are capitalizing by sharing their tips for taking the perfect selfie, such as holding the camera above eye level look at that. hides weird sags, bags and vampire bites. were your blood was replaced with darkness and oil. and to prove just how much angles matter, here's that exact same photo taken at a lower angle. this is what can happen. it's all about the lighting. it's all about the lighting. [ applause ] to be fair, i'm not sure if that's a selfie or if they just strapped a gopro on a honey baked ham. comedians, what's your favorite
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tradition of national selfie day? >> chris: spike feresten. >> i like to sraeufb my phone pattery for dick pic thursday. >> chris: it's coming up. it's coming up. [ applause ] >> chris: eli roth. >> i like to throw acid in a hotter person's face. >> chris: alright. steve agee. >> chris, i like to wonder why all my friends block me. [laughing] >> chris: you see -- you talk on this show like you're not aware you're wearing a microphone. >> is that what this thing is. chris: that's what that is. >> hello. i wonder why my friends block me, chris. chris, chris. >> chris: thank you, i'm glad you understand that better. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause]
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welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight's comedians are, host of "car matchmaker," season 3 premieres tomorrow on esquire network, it's spike feresten. [cheers and applause] >> thank you, thank you, chris. >> chris: host of "shark after dark," beginning june 26 on discovery, it's eli roth. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> chris: performing at "baked" at the improv in hollywood june 25, it's steve agee. >> it's true, chris. it's true. >> chris: steve agee is back on the show. >> thank you, everybody. thank you. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's see who you are playing for. spike, you are playing for @nd lynn65.
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eli, you are playing for @ifeelliketwit. right in the middle. steve, you are playing for @jeffschkade. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. [cheers and applause] >> chris: thank you. here's a list of known communists. i mean, trending topics that have the internet a-buzzin'! not communists! first up, pokeémon woah. pokemon woah. come on you guys. more news is emerging about "pokeémon go," the augmented reality mobile game, including the fact that it will playable with this watch-like accessory that also doubles as a chastity belt. the way it works is, players will find pokeémon by using the augmented reality technology to explore the real world, meaning you might catch ghostly pokeémon in graveyards, or a grimer in chris christie's private bathroom.
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[ applause ] >> make me strong. it's slated for release in july, which means we'll be seeing "man hit by bus while chasing lickitung" headlines by early august. so comedians, since catching these pocket monsters is location-dependent, where else might you have to go to find a particular pokeémon? eli roth. >> if you want to catch an eagle monster go to a kanye west fashion show. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: kind of. think he is a pokemon. all he says it "kanye" you want to go to dinner. "kanye, kanye." >> in the orange hair forest you will find trumpetsaurus. >> chris: yes, points. need to build a wall and keep the pocket monsters out. >> you can find [beep] in a sock
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under my bed. [ applause ] >> chris: no spew sauce under my bed. i feel that's a sauce that dobi wouldn't even want. no master is too kind. dobi is good. [laughing] >> chris: next, expect yourself. one of the best places on the web for shocking gifs is the subreddit r/unexpected, whose mascot is this man, who is making a face that suggests he just caught his wife getting (/ bleep/ ) by his favorite cast member of pawn stars. "i'm devastated, but also honored! why am i jerking off?" why is my dick in my chest. [ applause ] >> chris: applause for that. at the top of r/unexpected today is this gif of a man having oral surgery. i'm telling you right now, they
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pull something out of his mouth and it's terrible. so awful in fact that it might bum you out for the rest of the show but i had to watch this atrocity in the morning meeting and i want you all to suffer through it. is the thing they pull out of his mouth: an animal or a non-animal? >> i'm going animal. chris: alright. let's see. >> good lord. i don't want to watch this. >> i don't want to watch this either. >> oh, oh. >> oh, no. >> alright. >> you made eli roth turn away. chris: that happened. >> that was an outtake from "hostile 2". that was what was. good heavens. >> chris: a real live game of operation. i don't know why someone would swallow a whole god damn wrench. how does that happen?
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how does that happen? >> please, take that off. >> the frame. [laughing] that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. if you've been anywhere near an internet enabled device in the last week, you know that the world is squee-ing: taylor swift and tom hiddleston are dating! -- are exchanging fluids. [laughing] >> chris: i know. reached for comment every 12-year-old girl said: "o.m.g. my fan fiction came to liiiiifffeeeee! next thing you know zayn from one direction is going to (/ bleep/ ) a unicorn!" an actual file photo. [laughing] >>hris: who photo 1407 photo she
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apple box. [ applause ] now since hiddleston is best known for playing avengers villain loki, we can only assume that there's going to be an epic breakup song about him coming in about 10 days. so, in honor of this inevitability, tonight's hashtag is: #comicbooksongs. examples: "hit me batman one more time" and "anything by hulk smash-mouth." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. eli roth. >> i know when that hotline -- chris: points. steve agee. >> all along the watchman tower. chris: points. steve. >> it ain't easy being green lantern. >> chris: points. eli. >> let's talk about ex, baby. chris: living lavitaloki. >> hoy to hell boy. chris: yes. >> dan by lee. chris: points. >> come on wolverine. hris: yes points. spike. >> me and altron down by the
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school yard. [laughing] >> i wanted to sing tonight. let medicining. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #comicbooksongs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. [cheers and applause] >> please ... : our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @greggonsky. well done!
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play lock, stock and failure: writing edition. as we've established time and time again here on our little program, whoever is in charge of stock photo and video sites is undoubtedly drunk as (/ bleep/ . so comedians i'm going to show you a series of stock videos that show up when you search for the word "writing" and we found -- for points i want you to narrate a line from what they're writing. first up, these scribblin' bros. what are they writing? 250 having a good time. steve. >> here is a list of sperm banks in la and what time the guards go on break. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> chris: next up, this bee-lister. bee-lister. steve. >> here sabado gianta. big sand. >> chris: alright.
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he's no mas, right. oh rest in peace, sabado. >> dear dc comics, please cast me in the next suicide squad or i will bail myself out. >> chris: next. >> wait the b movie premiere was ten years ago. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: next up, this lil' foreman. what's he writing? >> the smaller the hands the bigger the dreams. don saladonald trump. >> chris: steve. >> dear mr. trump, construction has begun on your wall. we will need more legos. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: points. >> chris: next up, this guy washing all his clothes. eli. >> magic mike 3. interior, a hot girl enters and notice a furiously chiseled magic mike. >> chris: yes. i'm not comfortable that the washing machine has balls on it. spike. >> i hope she doesn't realize the liquid i gave her wasn't detergent. >> chris: steve agee. >> dear science journal, i think my invisibility potion is wearing off. [laughing] >> chris: i love you. i love you, steve agee. points. >> chris: next up this christmas scene. what is happening here. >> dear santa i want hroeupz
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like kylie, ass like kim and breasts like caitlyn. >> chris: points. steve. >> can you describe the killer's eyes. [laughing] >> chris: that is the end of lock, stock and failure: writing edition. it's time for our live challenge, when you wish upon a czar. presidential nipple model, vladimir putin, has just give -- i will give you a moment to sop up the sex juices. -- the go ahead for a $4 billion russian amusement park called "the magical world of russia." construction of the park itself will only cost around $200 million, the remaining. $3.8 billion will be spent on educating the russian people on what "amusement" is.
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[laughing] >> chris: they're not expected to break ground for the next 14 months. will feature, but here's a sneak peek at the ride developers hope will really get russians excited. look at that. that's fun. yes, each frozen bumper car is equipped with a dashcam so later you can upload to youtube the moment a toothless fortune teller careens over your rusty hood. [laughing] so comedians, as a park employee, describe another attraction you'd find at the magical world of russia. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! thanks for the ride around norfolk! and i just wanted to say, geico is proud to have served the military for over 75 years! roger that. captain's waiting to give you a tour of the wisconsin now.
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could've parked a little bit closer... it's gonna be dark by the time i get there. geico®. proudly serving the military for over 75 years.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i told you about the $4 billion plans for "the magical world of russia" and i asked you to describe another attraction you'd find at the magical world of russia. spike, let's start with you. >> shirt less putin's wild ride.
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chris: yes. [ applause ] >> chris: eli roth. >> welcome to the magical isotope forest. here is a glove for the magical arm you will grow. be aware. >> chris: alright. steve agee. >> in russia theme park roller coaster ride you. >> how dare you. [beep] >> chris: how dare you. theme park, now i have to give him the [beep] points. they loved it loved it. >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. stop it stop it! you stop it. [laughing] >> chris: a thousand points to steve. 500 to eli and spike. we go to our next game
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leakeasy. tuesday was the birthday of geek squad employee of the year, edward snowden, one of the few people in trouble with the law for a leak that isn't public urination. on to the game! snowden's infamous leak led to one of biggest revelations about the n.s.a.'s surveillance tactics, so comedians, i want you to come up with some lesser known top-secret government revelations. >> joe biden is from kenya. [laughing] >> chris: no one ever asked. points. eli. >> ramsey is based on donald trump. >> chris: spike. >> bernie sanders has a giant dick. >> chris: points. eli. >> the nsa beats off to your snapchat. >> chris: points. steve. >> sometimes if you pee white into a lady it makes a baby. [laughing] >> chris: right. i didn't think you could gross anyone out more
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after [beep]. but well [beep] done. points. spike. >> hans solo dies. chris: spike. >> it doesn't matter who wins the election we're all [beep]. >> chris: eli. >> bernie sanders is actually one of the old guys from the muppets. >> chris: points. steve. >> some dude name lemi actually let the dogs out. >> chris: points. eli. >> lemonade is really about bill and hillary. >> chris: oh. spike. >> the harlem globe trotters games are fixed. >> chris: what? >> that's the oldest -- >> chris: that's the end of leakeasy. spike, you're in third place. we have to eliminate you. >> god damn it. chris: i know. we drop him into a endless pit you will never see this man
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again. >> i will be started the "@midnight" show right now in my dressing room. >> chris: i will be your first guest. red light. good job. thank you. there goes spike. [ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to get fingerblasted. it's for the win. >> chris: people in the front laughing at fingerblasted? i am glad you appreciate. that pepper the robot is rude, y'all! pepper is a robot from a fictional fantasyland called japan, mostly known for its 40-year-old schoolgirls and [beep] squids. it's a companion bot built by aldebaran robotics and softbank mobile that's designed to read emotions and "make people happy." the death ray is optional, as is
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the fleshlight port. totally optional. but i recommend it. pepper can assist medical patients with-- wait, is pepper flipping me off? pepper. pepper is flipping you off. unless pepper is about to conduct an exam of some sort. what they didn't show you in big hero six. apparently, this has been happening a lot, as evidenced by this pic from user @mentaro. "excuse me, what aisle would i find-- comedians, pepper uses its video screen to communicate. i want you to tell me what appears on that screen when pepper is flipping you off. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break i told you pepper the robot who likes to give people the finger a lot. are you satisfied with your service? i asked you to tell me what appears on pepper's screen when it's fingering you. let's see what you wrote. first one ... drop them and bend over this may feel a little uncomfortable. [laughing] >> chris: might. the finger is ribbed. >> chris: or ... hey, amber, i stuck this up kanye's butthole. [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number two? eli roth has won the internet.
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congratulations. you and your tag team partner have won something. we will figure out at one point what that is. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be kevin pereira, flula borg and erica rhodes. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #comicbooksongs and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. have a great night. department of health and human services. >> hello, there. hi. of health under president obama. talking about our new how it's been crashing and stalling and not working and breaking and sucking. friendly tips to help you deal with those technical problem

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