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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  July 14, 2016 2:05am-2:36am PDT

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now here it is... your moment of zen. >> a woman woke up with surgery on her jaw, she woke up with a british accent. >> people who don't know me, where are you from? rosenburg. right here (cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: yeah! welcome to "the nightly show"! (cheers and applause) welcome, welcome, welcome! i'm larry wilmore. i don't know if you guys have been watching the news this past few days, but there was a major breakup that everybody is
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talking about. no, not iggy azalea and swaggy p, though i am heart broken about that, too. if those two crazy kids couldn't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us? some of you are saying, who's swaggy p? i think he's still a laker. okay. but i was actually talking about a much bigger breakup. people have even gone so far as to give this one a cute nickname. >> the word of the day is "brexit." >> brexit. >> brexit. >> brexit. >> the word was "brexit." >> brexit. >> brexit. >> brexit. >> larry: brrrrexit. now, you're probably wondering, just what the hell is a brexit? to help us understand it is "the nightly show's" own british chimney sweep, nigel crumpetberry. (cheers and applause) >> hey, what's up, larry! >> larry: nigel! thanks for coming out of the
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chimney to join us, nigel. >> jordan: roight-o, larry. so could you help us explai >> larry: so you would explain what is a breaks it? >> jordan: why, it's just the u.k. leaving the european union. brexit means "british exit." it's a portmanteau -- like hangry or hiddleswift or boll-jee, which is bollocks and dodgy, two british words that i say because i'm british! >> larry: yeah, we get it, you're british. anyway, nigel, back to the brexit -- how did this happen? walk us through it. >> jordan: thought ye'd never ask, larold! the european union was founded in 1993 to strengthen europe's economies with a single currency, the euro -- ka-ching -- >> larry: and the border agreement, right? >> jordan: right, wot makes europe work like one big country. (as e.u.) "welcome to the e.u., poor countries, portugal and poland!" (as migrants) "guv'nah, we needs work." (as e.u.) "ehm, a-riot, come on ovah!" easy migration, and bob the builder! >> larry: i think you mean
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"bob's your uncle." >> jordan: bob would never shag me auntie! she's a right slag she is. >> larry: can you speed it up, please? get to the part about the brexit vote? >> jordan: ha ha. oh, larry, you're such a crimpled gibbla. >> larry: now you're just making up words. >> jordan: oh, fliberty-jibbet! so from 1993 to 2014, the u.k.'s foreign-born population doubles. u.k. conservatives is loik, "we're not germany! why should we float all these deadbeat losers, especially brown ones from i.s.i.s.?!" (audience reacts) >> larry: so you're blaming the brexit vote on xenophobia. >> jordan: oh, you did it yourself! xena, the warrior princess, plus phobia, the greek god of fear. , no xenophobia is actually a word. please won't. >> jordan: keep your knickers on, yeah? prime minister david cameron's loik, "but we cahn' t leave the e.u.!" the conservatives are loik, "oh, do shut up! we're in powah you! hold the vote!" "fine!
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i say, chaps, yea or ney?" and the bri'sh people go, "(bleep) the e.u.! brexit!" now let's go take the piss out of some footie! >> larry: okay. well, thanks for clearing all that up for us! >> yeah! >> larry: culturally suspect chimney sweep nigel crumpetberry, everybody! (cheers and applause) uh, nigel, you should really get a dental plan. so the people of the united kingdom voted for brexit, but c'mon, it can't be all that bad. >> a weekend of turmoil after the prime minister said he will step down. >> the pound continues to plummet against the dollar. >> stock markets in europe continue to fall this morning. >> between today and friday, $2 trillion of global wealth has evaporated. >> larry: evaporated? no, water evaporates, milk evaporates. money doesn't evaporate -- somebody loses that (bleep). $2 trillion? who votes yes to a $2 trillion loss?!
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i can't even say it! it can't even come out of my mouth! $2 trillion! (applause) well, one thing i know about the british -- they're very high information voters. they take the time to study the issues. >> the day after the vote, the most thing googled in print is "what the e.u.?" the day after, second most. >> larry: you have to be (bleep) kidding me. that was the second most googled question? and this is true, the first most googled question was "what does it mean to leave the e.u.?" it means you're going to lose $2 trillion! in the global economy. you know what i blame this on? i blame this on the word "brexit." i do. it's just too cutesy. "you going to vote for the brexit?" "well, why not?" countsounds cute, you know? it should have been called "the financial (bleep)-pocalypse."
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(cheers and applause) oh! now, look... there were a lot of pro-brexit forces saying that money which was going to the e.u. would be diverted back to the u.k. -- even-no one could say how and everyone kept contradicting themselves -- so it's possible that a lot of people thought the brexit was going to bring economic benefits. but the main reason for the brexit win was something a little more reliable than economics. >> the u.k.'s high employment rate has drawn migrants from poorer countries in the e.u. like poland and lithuania. but many in britain resent these migrants and that resentment was a key driving force in the decision for britain to leave the european union. >> larry: yeah, good old-fashioned racism! let me see if i can explain this really quick. imagine you're an old white lady sitting in your car, and a brother walks by and you lock your doors and drive away. that's what britain just did. (cheers and applause)
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i don't mean to pick on old white ladies. i might have cone done the same thing, all right? and if you don't think it's about xenophobia, look who's cheering it. >> basically, they took back their country. that's a great thing. >> trump even says president obama may have caused it by speaking out against the referendum. >> larry: classic trump -- say that something is great and blame obama for it at the same time! the man can juggle, (whispers) because he's a (bleep) clown. (cheers and applause) but here's what really gets me about this, england -- you're upset about foreigners coming into your country? you've got a lot of nerve. you know who would have loved a nice clean brexit? india. how many times were you the foreigners storming into a sovereign country when your whole deal was "the sun never sets on the british empire."
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you're mad about immigration, so you brexit, but you guys used to love to brenter other countries. right? (applause) you did, guys! you were brentering all over the damn place. so very sorry to everyone in the u.k. who doesn't know what's happening to their country, and to the brexit voters, please, go breck yourselves. all right? we'll be right back. with hotels.com's simple rewards program for every 10 nights i stay i get one free, which i can use all over the world. like here. and here. and here. thanks, captain obvious. and with this green screen i can make it seem like i'm all over the world. even though i'm right here. here you are. i know. i just said that. i'm way overdressed. hotels.com. so simple it's the obvious choice.
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department of homeland security's "no fly list" from buying guns. but the aclu and the news outlets have reminded us that the "no fly" list is a civil rights disaster that disproportionately affects arab-americans without due process or recourse. does the "no fly" list cause more problems than it solves? we need to debate this. and since we're on cable, the only way is to have people take polar-opposite positions and argue over each other. so without further adieu, here's another intawment of "pardon the integration! " >> larry: please welcome "the nightly show" distributors mike yard and rory albanese. (cheers and applause) okay. tonight's topic, is the "no fly" list racist? mike will be against the "no fly" list's unchecked racism, and rory will be in favor of profiling muslims. ready? >> mike: let's do this! >> rory: i'm not even remotely in favor of that. >> larry: and... begin! >> mike: of course, the "no fly" list is racist! you know how i know? because i have a list of my own, of white people i don't trust, and believe me, that list is racist as hell. >> rory: who cares if it's racist, mike?
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so what if "hurt feelings" are the price we pay for landing on a tarmac instead of at the bottom of the ocean! >> mike: but this is a government program that keeps americans from going anywhere! we already have one, and it's a disaster -- it's called public housing! freedom of movement is a human right! >> rory: mike, we need to keep americans safe, so drop the liberal kumbaya. >> mike: kumbaya? oh, i'm black so i talk african mumbo jumbo? is that what you're saying? >> rory: i'm saying the "no fly" list is a necessary evil! like pre-nups and... pre-nups! i pay a lotf alimony! >> mike: do you know how hard it is for a black man to live in america without being on a list? this is straight up racial profiling! i bet the nypd gave the "no fly" list five stars on yelp! >> rory: so what? quit pretending certain muslim-americans aren't a threat! look at the san bernardino shooter, or the orlando shooter! neither of them were on the "no fly" list. you want to be stuck in a middle seat between those two?
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>> mike: (bleep) no, i don't want a middle seat between anybody! >> rory: not even in the exit row?! you're a liar! (ding-ding) >> larry: okay, gentlemen. that noise means it's time to switch sides and argue the opposite perspective. because remember, this is a mindless argument. >> mike: nope. every time you guys screw me over and make me look like a race traitor. not gonna do it. >> rory: mike, this is a legally binding document, written by top lawyers, jews, guaranteeing we will not throw you under the bus. peruse that bad boy. >> mike: i don't have time to read all this! >> larry: i read it, mike. it's all legit. >> mike: fine. all right, let's do this! >> larry: great. now, rory will be against the "no fly" list, and mike will be in favor of stripping muslim citizens of their rights and dignity. >> rory: great! >> mike: jesus! no! >> larry: and begin! >> mike: fine, because i have
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to, i guess a list designed to stop terror is gonna have muslim names. it's not like there's a lot of jihadists named seamus o'callahan. >> rory: are you kidding me? the irish? the i.r.a. is like the o.g. of terrorist organizations. >> mike: what?! >> rory: irish car bombs?! all those liam neeson movies?! hello! the point is, a person of any race, gender or religion can be a terrorist, mike -- why are we so focused on muslims? >> mike: then let's be equal opportunity suspicious! 'cause it's also racist to treat all brown people like they can do no wrong! there is some brothers out there in my neighborhood who should be on some lists -- >> rory: oh, yeah? well, no comment on that! >> mike: look, we still have a black president right now, which shows everybody in america has a chance regardless of race, okay? even if you're muslim! >> rory: damn, mike, you think obama's a secret muslim! >> mike: what?! no -- >> larry: whoa, mike.
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one black man to another, what the (bleep) is wrong with you? >> mike: i never said -- >> rory: look, people of color have it tough enough as it is in this country. call me crazy, but i think everyone should be treated fairly, especially our brothers and sisters of the noble faith of islam! am i right?! (ding-ding) (cheers and applause) >> larry: and the winner is rory! because no one slanders the president on my show and gets away with it! >> mike: woowwww. what the (bleep)! what about this legal document? larry, you said you read it! >> larry: i did. it's just the terms and conditions for itunes. >> rory: larry, you actually read that? >> larry: read what? >> mike: (bleep) all y'all. >> larry: this has been another pointless episode of "pardon the integration."
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor rory albanese. "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. and she's editor-in-chief of cosmopolitan, joanna coles. and everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. as we talked about earlier in the show, the brexit is on everyone's mind. late last week, england voted to separate themselves from the european union. as a result, stock prices around the world fell, the pound crashed, and british prime minister david cameron announced he was resigning. a lot of people voted for this -- to close the borders. how much do you think xenophobia played a part in this? i think it's ironic london gets the first muslim mayor and then, close it! shut it down!
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>> yeah, i mean, it played a huge part in the same way donald trump is using it to stir up people here and also people who feel that they have been left behind in globalization. but the other part of it which i think is less obvious here is it's also about a really intense rivalry between two men, david cameron the now outgoing prime minister and boris johnson. they were at high school together, at oxford together as students, and they have always both been determined to be prime minister and it has always been -- >> larry: so you're telling me a pissing match between two men is causing a $2 trillion global loss? >> yes. and you should not be surprised by that. i mean, it often comes back to crazy men at the center of everything. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> larry: yes, that's good! >> that's a fair point. >> we do need more women in politics. but the worst possible thing about this, larry, is one really feels boris johnson, who is heading up the leave campaign and who is a very, very
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charismatic speaker, he was the mayor of london. no mayor of london would seriously believe in splitting from europe because they understand how important -- >> larry: what do you think his motivation is. >> -- the city is to the economy of london. i think his motivation was to position himself against david cameron to be the next prime minister and he never thought a moment the campaign would win. >> larry: it's cameron's idea to bring the referendum! that's like if obama said, let's have the people vote. you guys want slavery again? no, obama! don't let the people vote on that! because some things -- (applause) >> the older people are saying we didn't think our vote was going to count. then why make it? why photo the polls if you didn't think it would count? >> larry: because most of scotland voted to remain. >> yes. >> larry: was it the same
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breakdown on ages there or mainly in england? >> that's a good question. different issues going on in scotland. >> didn't scotland side with john snow? i thought that's what happened. >> that was game of thrones. >> i don't understand global politics. (laughter) >> larry: but there is a wistfulness about yesterday and wanting to make things the way that they were. there is no time machines. i don't know what's wrong with people. do they think we can turn back the clock? the clock moves forward, it doesn't go back. >> people weren't really paying attention. the awful thing is what's becoming clear is because the breaks are it campaign was known as the leave campaign, people are coming out and saying, i thought leave meant immigrants leave, i didn't think it meant britain was leaving europe. i thought it meant -- >> xenophobia is really powerful. >> i was in england a week and ran into that. had one of the most racist
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incidents in my life. went into a pool hall, a guy was arguing with the bouncer who was black guy and the dude was a white guy and he said you can't tell me where i can go in my can't and he said to the black dude, i'll be back and did this. and i said, aye, he's not coming back, let's play pool. he came back and shot the bouncer. >> larry: no! >> he did! and the craziest thing about it -- >> you won the pool game? >> no. (laughter) when the cops interviewed us afterwards and we were telling them what we saw and they were, like, that's strange because quite a few people said the shooter was a young black male with baggy jeans and a hooded sweat. >> larry: was that you? >> no, because i left my baggy jeans at home. but what i did realize is that's the same dude that shoots
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everybody in america. apparently, he got a passport! a franchise! >> he made his brexit! (applause) >> he didn't die, though, he survived. >> larry: how much effect will this have on the states? do you think there will be a donald trump effect here? that that points or signifies that? >> i do think we want to make sure millennials vote because that really is shock that only 36% of them actually bothered to go to the poll. but in terms of, you know, we saw $2 trillion off the worldwide markets, right? it's highly possible there will be a recession in britain. the nightmare is if europe itself starts town ravel, the security implications are really serious and that will affect america as will a recession. >> i lost app lot of money! britain owes me money. >> larry: the whole spirit of the e.u., you didn't go back as world war i, league of nations but certainly world war, two the
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dominance of germany and now all the pressure goes back to merkel in germany. it's, like, do you want to put germany in charge again? i'm not saying germany's done anything wrong -- >> but they do have a reputation, i think that's fair. >> larry: i'm just pointing out the irony! >> it's also unclear whether or not angela merkel will stay, right, because this is an election upcoming in germany and it's not obvious she will remain and this gives license for right-wing groups in europe to have confidence and demand more seats at the table or they pull out. >> i think this hurts trump in the end. he said scotland left which they didn't which was awesome. >> the one guy brought golf balls with swastikas. that's protest with malice and aforethought, because he had to call titlists to get those
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made -- do you have any nazi balls? >> i love when they're on the course, who is playing swastika 2? (laughter) >> i think it's true he heard people shouting leave, but they were shouting at him, not the vote. (applause) >> larry: all right, we'll see what's going to happen. we'll be right back. ♪ >> if you live in new york city or are planning to visit, grab tickets to "the nightly show."
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>> larry: thanks to my panelists -- rory albanese, mike yard and joanna coles. thanks for watching. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪

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