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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  July 19, 2016 1:31am-2:06am PDT

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- hello there, little brown bear. "hello, chaz." where have you been to get so dirty? "why, i've been exploring a chocolate cave." well, there's only one way to clean off all that chocolate. "how's that, chaz?" with kisses. mwah, mwah, mwah. - kill it! kill the memory! oh, god, hurry up! we got to get out of here roy, right now! - oh, no! [both scream] - we're back! we did it, man. - oh, what is all this? what am i covered in? - oh, just my fluids, man. my miscellaneous fluids. - no more favors, roy. male announcer: tonight from our democalpyse 2016 vote, we look back at the republican presidential primaries in our special: [dramatic music] - welcome to a very special episode of "the daily show." we'll be in cleveland covering the republican convention starting tomorrow, but donald trump is already there, and so that gave us the chance to sneak into his mansion.
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it was actually pretty easy. the security code was just "trump." all uppercase, of course. now, you may have already blocked the memory of donald trump and how he became the nominee, so here's a quick reminder of just how the hell we got here. please enjoy while i think about how to get back to my own country. - to be clear, donald trump-- - will not be-- - republican nominee. - there's never been a universe in which donald trump was going to be the republican nominee. - so confident and so wrong. - donald trump delivers a knock-out blow in indiana. - today he wears the party's banner. presumptive nominee. - after winning indiana, donald trump will be the republican nominee for president. american politics has just entered a whole new world. just like the one aladdin and jasmine sang about, except--except they can't come 'cause they're muslim. [laughter] how did donald trump go from being the guy who fake-fired people on tv to the orange-tinted terror? you know, how the [bleep] did we get here?
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it's the subject of our new segment, how the [bleep] we got here. [fast-paced music] 2016 was hillary's presidency to lose, and it looks likes that's exactly what she's doing. - for the first time ever, donald trump takes the lead over hillary clinton in the national polling average. it is close though. 43.4% to 43.2%. - [yelling] how the [bleep] did we get here? how are you stuck with two choices? this is the same country with 17 different types of cornflakes. ♪ the republican presidential debate in las vegas, and as soon as all the candidates walked out on stage, one thing became immediately clear: there are still way too many candidates. - ronald reagan was strong, but ronald reagan didn't send troops into the middle east. - and ronald reagan walked away at reykjavik. he walked away; he quit talking when it was time to quit talking. - can i finish with my time? can i finish with my time? - why does she keep interrupting everybody? - yeah. - boy. [laughter, boos] - yeah, boo!
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boo, donald trump! don't you dare shush carly fiorina. she may have another great fake abortion story to tell. - at age 14, another teenager angered me, and i had a large camping knife, and i tried to stab him in the abdomen. - i'm dangerous and i try to kill people and i'm a bad person! i should be president! so the republican party's new it-girl is freshman texas senator ted cruz. - ♪ hey, hey [gunfire] ♪ hey [hip-hop music] - mmm. machine-gun bacon. [laughs] - [laughs mockingly] that bacon is definitely from a human. [laughter] ♪ - you said in september 30th that isis was not a factor-- - am i talking or are you talking, jeb? - i'm talking right now. - you can go back. - i'm talking. - you can go back. - donald, you're not gonna be able to insult your way to the presidency. that's not gonna happen. and i do have the strength-- [cheers and applause]
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- you could see jeb's balls growing as he was speaking! it's a christmas miracle! but here's the problem. that only made jeb's balls a bigger target for trump to kick. - jeb doesn't really believe i'm unhinged. he said that, very simply, because he has failed in this campaign. it's been a total disaster. nobody cares. - he cancels your insult by saying you didn't mean it and then he insults you back. "hey, trump, you're an asshole!" [as trump] "you don't really believe "i'm an asshole. "you're just saying that 'cause you're a loser and i'm banging your wife." the match that really surprised everybody was the baby-faced thirst-quencher marco rubio versus the bridge-blocking bully, governor chris christie. chris christie launched an accusation: rubio is an empty suit with canned lines. - let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing. he knows exactly what he's doing. i would add this: let's dispel with this fiction that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing.
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he knows exactly what he's doing. this notion that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true. - there it is. there it is. - he knows exactly what he's doing. - the memorized 25-second speech. - that's the reason why-- - there it is, everybody. - chris christie called rubio out on the fact that he mindlessly repeats talking points like a stumped speech robot, and rubio's reply was, "beep-boop, beep-boop. "beep-boop. i am human. beep-boop, beep-boop." [upbeat music] - and lastly, we welcome back to the debate stage donald trump. [cheers and applause] [instrumental music] - kasich? [applause] what about kasich? can i introduce kasich? - it must be so noisy in here. yes, yes. we're gonna introduce ohio governor john kasich. - yeah. - the moderators are facing the stage and they still couldn't tell the difference between an empty podium and john kasich. trump's bailing on the last debate before iowa because he doesn't like the moderator, fox news's megyn kelly. obviously, they have a history. it started at the first gop debate when last august,
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she asked him this. - you've called women you don't like "fat pigs," "dogs," "slobs," and "disgusting animals." you once told a contestant on "celebrity apprentice" it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees. does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president? - "hell yes it does," said millions of americans. now, to me, this is the sort of question--tough but fair-- that makes megyn kelly one of the most fearsome anchors out there. but not everyone feels that way. - she's a third-rate reporter. whoever even heard of her before the last debate? [richard wagner's "ride of the valkyries" playing] ♪ - it's the same way we won't call you an asshole because we, too, are constrained by political correctness. asshole. [cheers and applause] - when mexico sends its people... they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists. - he's not politically correct and he says what is on his mind.
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- yep, he says what is on his mind, and that's what people are looking for. finally, a president with the guts to tell mexicans that they are rapists. take that, abraham lincoln, you coward! - we have new video. what it shows is a black protestor being escorted out of the building. on his way out, a white man in the crowd jumps up and punches him in the face. - the other reason this guy might have thought that he could get away with throwing a punch was something donald trump has been saying. - if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? seriously. [cheers and applause] i promise you i will pay for the legal fees. i promise. - oh, you've gone soft, trump. old donald would make the mexicans pay for the legal fees. [laughter] tonight we're gonna look at whether part of the responsibility for donald trump's rise lies with the news media. now, it's a complicated questions with a lot of-- i'm just playing. the answer is yes. yes, the media is responsible. - fox's first gop debate this season
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shattered every record all at once with 24 million viewers. - that's making a lot of money for the networks. - cnn reportedly charged 40 times its usual rate for ads during the three-hour extravaganza. - "the new york times" looked at this and they came up with this incredible figure. almost $2 billion over the last nine months or so. - that eclipses all of his other republican competitors combined. - the media has given trump $2 billion worth of free coverage. that's the equivalent of every commercial in the super bowl for the last five years. yeah. yeah. and frankly, america would be better off with president puppymonkeybaby. that thing is creepy as [bleep], but i'll still choose it as a president. i would vote president puppymonkeybaby as my president. [dramatic music]
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i just picked us up 2 breakfast croissants for $4, when this bear attacked. with one swipe, it devoured one of the croissants. then jack showed up, and took care of the beast, so i could escape. and that's what happened to your breakfast croissant. and yours? it survived. enjoy freshly cracked egg with ham and bacon. or sausage. two tasty croissants at an even tastier $4 price. it's a deal you'll devour. [dramatic music] - mm. tastes like narcissism. oh, welcome back. when we left off, we were at super tuesday, around the time marco rubio was trying to beat trump at his own game. [hip-hop music] - trump likes to sue people. he should sue whoever did that to his face. - he was so scared, like a little frightened puppy. - flying around on hair force one. - you ever see a guy sweat like this?
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- he doesn't sweat 'cause his pores are clogged from the spray tan. - little mouth on him. bing, bing, bing. bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. - his hands are the size of someone who's 5'2". have you seen his hands? and you know what they say about men with small hands. [crowd yelling] you can't trust them. - and i do believe that is the first presidential candidate dick joke i have ever heard. [laughter] so then little marco left the race and it was between trump, kasich, and a melting-wax statue of ted cruz. so--oh, that's actually ted cruz? oh. wow. oh, well, anyway, the choice was down to who america hated less. - donald's is a fragile soul. - cruz, who is a nasty guy who can't get along with anybody. - if you're afraid of megyn kelly... you're gonna be afraid of valdimir putin. - senators don't like him. the people he works with don't like him. - whoa, ease up, guys. you're both horrible. - some in the republican establishment are not happy with the two frontrunners.
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- having to choose between being shot or being poisoned. - they're warming to trump because they can kill cruz and they think, "well, we'll kill trump later." - this is almost like a political game of [bleep], marry, kill. it's just there's no marry, you just kill one and get [bleep] by the other. - it's--again, it's like being shot or poisoned. what does it really matter? [laughter] [applause] - who is shooting and who's poisoning, between trump and cruz? - well, donald is like being shot in the head. - okay. - you might find an antidote to poisoning, i don't know, but maybe there's time. - but is--i don't understand. are you saying--wait. are you saying-- are you saying-- - i'm saying my party's completely screwed up for the moment. - but then why would you nominate-- why would you nominate anyone then? for ted cruz to have risen so fast from freshman senator to presidential contender means that people must really love this guy. - he is probably one of the most hated people in the senate. both democrats and republicans do not like this guy.
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- he's been called a fraud and a whacko, and that's by some of his own republican colleagues. - right. - they hate him as they have hated no senator before him. [laughter] - what a description. "they hate him as they have hated no senator before him. that's right. they hate him." listen to how former republican speaker of the house john boehner talked about cruz just yesterday. - he absolutely tore into ted cruz last night, calling him "lucifer in the flesh." - "i have democrat friends and republican friends. "i get along with almost everyone, "but i have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life." - do you know how many terrible people john boehner has worked with? let me--okay, let me put it this way. let me put it this way. one of them was just sent to prison and is a child molester. and still, john boehner was like, "nah, cruz is the worst. "cruz is the worst. "trust me, kids, cruz is the worst. trust me." there no love lost between trump and cruz.
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and that almost turns out to be true between trump and most republican leaders. - donald trump is a phony, a fraud. - i'm very concerned for our country if we nominate him. - this is gonna be a disaster for the republican party. - he's very dangerous for the country. i think he's very dangerous for the party. - this party does not prey on people's prejudices. - donald trump does not represent me and he does not represent my party. - he doesn't represent the republican party or its values. - wow. that's like new-step-dad levels of hate. like, "[bleep] you, donald! "you'll never be my dad! i mean, nominee!" time and time again, the gop has ganged up on him. republican leaders have made trump feel unwelcome, his opponents getting together behind his back, and it's not like trump hasn't noticed. - i've been treated very unfairly. i'll give you an example. - unfairly by who? - i think by basically the rnc, the republican party, the establishment. they're not treating me well. i don't think it's fair the way that the establishment is treating donald trump, i'll be honest.
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- two men who don't really see eye-to-eye on many things, kasich and cruz, have finally realized they have no choice but to try something desperate. - ted cruz and john kasich are teaming up to stop frontrunner donald trump. - unable to beat trump on their own, now working hand-in-hand to split some of the remaining contest. - ooh, i see. so individually, they know they stand no chance against donald trump, but as a team, each making up for the other's weaknesses, they just might defeat him. - donald trump delivers a knock-out blow in indiana. - we are suspending our campaign. crowd: no! - i'm so conflicted. i mean, ted cruz lost, but because donald trump won. it's like finding out your herpes is gone, but it's because your dick fell off. [laughter] [dramatic music] [laughter] ♪ ahhhh yeeaahhh! i see you got the delicious news.
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- now the race is over and the republican voters have chosen a mutant from a carrot-juicing accident.
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and--and now in order to win the general election, republicans know what they need to do. - we want to bring unity to the republican party. we have to bring unity. - i think what is required is that we unify this party. - unifying and growing the party is the only way we're gonna win. - why does he seem stoned? what's going on there? "unify--it's the only way i get through this [bleep]. i'm just"-- i love that. yeah. unify. ♪ u-n-i-t-y ♪ u yeah, it reminds you of the queen latifah song except the people singing it this time are neither women nor black. so the party leadership is calling for unity amongst all republicans. and just like the primaries, it's going very well. - a deep divide within the republican party. - the fractured republican party. - a split hardening. - mitt romney saying he won't even vote let alone attend the convention. - dick cheney throwing his support to the frontrunner. - both presidents bush saying you will not see them at the republican convention. - senator rand paul said he's endorsing the nominee.
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- there's no reason for me to go to the convention. - what do you mean, there's no reason to go? what about the gift bags? [laughter] - donald trump is not presidential material. - most people would be fired from their jobs if they did this, let alone someone running for president. - i just don't think he can keep a lid on it. - it is not presidential. - yesterday i was hearing about how i'm gonna become presidential, and i can do it. hey, you know what, i'm, like, a really smart person like a lot of you people, and presidential easy. you know what presidential is? i walk on. [speaks indistinctly] ["hail to the chief" playing] ♪ [cheers and applause] [laughter] - that's all trump thinks the presidency is? [laughter] imagine just how--imagine-- imagine having a president who just told us his game, like, his game plan ahead of time in every single situation. like, after a mass shooting, trump would basically come out and go, [as trump] "okay, i'm gonna open
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"with grief-stricken boo-hoo-hoo. "then i'll do solemn then hopeful. "queue a single tear, and then we'll go to lunch. "everybody on the same page? everybody on the-- okay, here we go." [laughter] "another tragedy." the republicans are basically split into three camps. so you've got the people who don't support trump, you've got the people who aren't ready to support trump, and the most interesting people are a group who spent the whole race throwing [bleep] at trump, and now they're picking it back up, spreading it on a sandwich, and taking a big bite. - narcissist. donald trump is insecure and weak. if he is the nominee, i will be voting for him. i will be supporting him. - he's not qualified to be president. it's important that the party find a way to get behind donald trump. - let no one be mistaken. donald trump's candidacy is a cancer on conservativism. - rick perry just told me in a phone call from his home state in texas that he does support donald trump. i asked him if he would be interested in being donald trump's running mate, and he said,
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"i am not going to say no." [laughter] - so--so wait. you want to be running mates with cancer? that's what you're saying? i mean, i--i guess it has a pretty strong history of winning, but still. - i've come to-- to know donald trump. there are two different donald trumps. there's the one you see on the stage and there's the one who's very cerebral, sits there, and considers things very carefully. you can have a very good conversation with him. - in any other world, in any other campaign, having two faces is a charge the accused would deny because they know it would immediately disqualify them from running for the highest office in the land, so donald trump, do you agree with ben carson? - i probably do agree. i think there are two donald trumps. - [as trump] yeah. and believe me, there's no problem with either of them's penis. [laughter] so even trump says that there are two trumps,
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but the question is what does the other trump say? - i don't think there are two donald trumps. i think there's one donald trump. [laughter] [cheers and applause] - you know, we laugh, but it's still more likely that there's only one donald trump who's just a cynical, manipulating man, you know, manipulating his followers and his enemies and the media without any concern for what he's doing to the country. that's possible. that's probably the truth. but i do hope--i do hope that there are two donald trumps because that way he could go [bleep] himself. [dramatic music] you never believed in fairytales. he could go [bleep] himself. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready. time to shine. orbit. whyou start where itbrewing anyall began.ossible.
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in monaco. ♪ we were born brothers. competition made us friends. wish bold in the 2017 camry. toyota. let's go places. heineken it doesn't do that. control people's minds. award-winning heineken light is the best light beer you've ever tasted. that's true... i made you say that. no you didn't. yes i did. mmm mmm... yes i did... you didn't. can i have some kfc original recipe? excellent choice. but might i suggest something a little extra crispy. my extra crispy, five dollar fill-up is freshly double-breaded by hand. it's tasty, real meal for just five dollars. [crunch] am i an extra crispy boy?
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[sipping] sure, kid. kfc. it's extra crispy good. since the beginning of time, there never seemedre is. to be enough of it. people try to beat time. ahhhhh! but time always wins. our greatest fear is running out of time. there's a bomb in the salsa can! we gotta get out of here! my phone is still charging! so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to
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charging your phone? ahhhhhhhh! the galaxy s7 edge, with fast wireless charging, and our longest lasting battery. ♪ ♪ find your way to relaxation with the crisp, soothing taste of real ginger and bubbles. canada dry. the root of relaxation. [dramatic music] - there is one thing that i believe might finally make even the most ardent trump fans think twice about voting for him. it's the subject of our new segment: - you know who's one of the great beauties of the world-- - who? - according to everybody? and i helped create her. - who?
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- ivanka. my daughter ivanka. - she is! yeah. - she's six feet tall, she's got the best body. - yeah, she's hot. - i don't think ivanka would do that inside the magazine, although she does have a very nice figure. i've said that if ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps i'd be dating her, you know. - stop it! - we play this game here. it's called fave5. i ask the question. - ah. - ivanka, you answer first, and then dad, you answer also. - this is tough. - okay, ivanka, what's the favorite thing you have in common with your father? - either real estate or golf. - donald, with your daughter? - well, i was going to say sex, but i can't relate that to her. - [as trump] well, i was gonna say sex, but i couldn't say that to her. unless she's cool with it. [laughter] you're not cool--okay, cool. then just golf. golf and sex? would that be weird? no, okay. just golf. just golf. whatever. this weekend i feel like we got a glimpse of what america might be like under a trump presidency, and it was scary. - on friday night, pure chaos after trump cancelled his appearance in chicago.
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- police physically separating trump's protestors from his supporters. - they are not picking and choosing who is there. it is open to the public. - there were some bernie sanders supports who held up bernie signs. - protestors and supporters going back and forth so much. the situation became so escalated that there was the potential for danger. - when i first started "the daily show," a lot of people asked me the same question. they'd be like, "hey, are you ready, trevor? "are you ready for american politics? "are you ready for this election? 'the daily show's' a big-- are you ready?" but now seeing all of this [bleep] happen, i think i should've asked if you were ready. yeah, because i'm from a third-world country. it looks like you're headed to one. [laughter] thanks for watching the trip down bad memory lane. join us tomorrow in cleveland for the full coverage of the rnc, and we-- [siren blares] oh. oh, man. uh... oh, gee whiz. think, think, think. you know what? i'll just tell the cops i'm ben carson. yeah, that's why i'm here. [as carson] now here it is, your moment of... zen. - i'm tell you, women do like me.
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- thank you, god, for sending us donald j. trump to be our next president of the united states of america! [dramatic music] (cheers and applause). >> larry: thank you very much. thank you very much. welcome to the nightly


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