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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  July 23, 2016 1:35am-2:08am PDT

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- we have a 445 at the angel street brewery. [no audio] [rock music] ♪ [glass shatters] - did they touch the beer? - the beer is safe. - beer. - beer! both: beer! [guzzling] - does this have beer in it? - don't touch that. [explosion] [glass shatters] - here we are, my frontal lobe, my inner sanctum, my palace of recollection. - welcome, steve. - wow. the human brain is truly the crowning achievement of evolution's steady march towards perfection. - yup. there's the memory of my first handjob right over there. - oh. - and my second wank over there. - well, at least she seems enthusiastic. - ooh, look, my third and fourth tug, both from the same girl. - roy, these are all just handjobs. - yeah, i don't really hit record for much else.
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oh, my god, there it is. so there i am, man, chasing ashley's cat through the air vents. that's when i saw him do it. - hey, look, it's triptank's attorney chaz sinclair. [zipper opens] - [sniffs] - oh, god, that is so gross. - yeah, keep watching. - hello there, little brown bear. "hello, chaz." where have you been to get so dirty? "why, i've been exploring a chocolate cave." well, there's only one way to clean off all that chocolate. "how's that, chaz?" with kisses. mwah, mwah, mwah. - kill it! kill the memory! oh, god, hurry up! we got to get out of here roy, right now! - oh, no! [both scream] - we're back! we did it, man. - oh, what is all this? what am i covered in? - oh, just my fluids, man. my miscellaneous fluids. - no more favors, roy. world's happiest native
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american. it's the 2016 republican nationarepublicannational conve. so mission accomplished. night four, the party's over. (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central thank you! thank you so much! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah. so we're done, people. we're done. our final night in cleveland, the republican national convention is over, and at this rate, pretty soon, the country will also be over. yesterday, donald trump spent his entire 75-minute speech pitching a horror movie about how a fictional america is a place where you should be afraid of everything. we had a whole show planned about trump, you know. we had him in, like, a jason mask, and we had all these jokes
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about that. but then a few hours ago, we're, like, (bleep) it. yeah. yeah, to be honest with you, we always talk about trump, all of us. the guy says anything, and it's news. he farts from his mouth and we talk about it for hours -- what do you think that smell means? but the convention is over. he said what he needed. later on in the show we'll break down how much bull (bleep) he spoke, but for now let's talk about something else. because it was easy to forget this week that while this (bleep) show was going on, other things were happening in the world. the british appointed their second ever female prime minister. (cheers and applause) yeah. america maybe bombed 70 civilians in syria, and just a week after peak tension around police shootings, this happened. >> a behavioral therapist was shot by an officer after he held
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his hands in the air, lying on the ground. >> he was in the street trying to retrieve an autistic man who wandered away from the group home. >> you can see charles kinsy, hands raised in the hair. >> he told the police not to fire but an officer shot him in the leg anyway. >> trevor: shot him in the leg anyway? it was, like, the cop almost said, well, i'm here, so i might as well -- (laughter) luckily, the man shot, charles kenzie is in good shape and expected to make a full recovery. (applause) the florida native said when he was shot he thought he was bitten by a mosquito, which sounds ridiculous until you see the mosquitoes in florida. (laughter)
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but really? the guy got shot while lying on the ground with his hands in the air. at this point, i no longer know what black people need to do to not get shot. i don't understand. you walk towards a policeman you get shot. walk away from a policeman, you get shot. you lie down on the ground with your hands in the air, you still get shot. you're on the ground, lying down. there's no other way to be less threatening and still be black. at this rate, i wouldn't be surprised to hear police officers are shooting black people in their graves. what happened, over? well, the subject was decomposing in a threatening manner and i had to defend myself. the cop said he had a good reason. not true. he didn't have a reason. >> when he hit me, i said, i just got shot and i said, circumstances why did you shoot me? in his words to me, he said, "i
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don't know." (audience reacts) >> trevor: you know what? that's actually refreshing. yeah. no excuses. no shifting the blame. just i don't know. can't of reminds -- kind of reminds me of myself as a kid michigan mom would come in and be, like, why did you draw on the wall? i would be, like, i don't know. that's exactly how i looked. i would be, like, i don't know. i don't know. i didn't know why i drew on the wall. i was just, like, there is a crayon and there's a wall. you know, if there's walls and crayons, i'm going to draw. i have nothing against walls, but if there's crayons around and there's walls, someone's going to get hurt. and my mom would be, like, yeah, you. (laughter) but what makes the story even crazier, is the fact that the cop fired three times. fired three shots. yeah, because they say shot like it was one bullet. yes, one bullet hit the person but the cop pulled the trigger
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three times. by mistake? i understand one bullet. why did you shoot three times? (mocking) well, after the first shot was fired, i had to defend myself, so -- this story is so twisted and it gets twistier. >> the police union representing the officer said that the cop was actually trying to shoot the autistic man but he missed. >> trevor: oh! that explains it! we thought you were trying to shoot the -- here we are judging, because we thought you were trying to shoot an unarmed black man but it turns out you were shooting an autistic person who posed no threat. oh, now i get it. you know, the more the story plays out the crazier and crazier the report gets. >> police say it all started when they got a call about a man threatening suicide. >> trevor: really? so, wait, let me understand this, someone called the police and told them that a person was
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trying to shoot themselves, and the police response was, hey, we need to stop someone from shooting themselves, quick! get your guns! get your guns! (laughter) how does that work? you know, we can spend all of our time vilifying the police, trying to place blame on either side of every single story, but i'm going to be honest with you, in america, the job of a police officer is way too broad. we expect the police to handle everything. someone has a broken taillight, the police need to handle it. someone's robbing a bank, the police need to handle that as well. neighbors playing loud music, call the police. person with mental health issues threatening to harm themselves, the police are called to handle it. we're asking too much of them. it's not right. it's a recipe for disaster. when we're flying, we don't call the pilot when we want a drink because we know pilots have a separate job and it's to keep us
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safe in the air, the same way flight attendants have a job and it's to stop people from banging in the bathroom. that's what they have been trained for. peanuts? yes. penis? no. they have been trained for that. (applause) the reason we don't ask the pilot to do it is we know it could go terribly wrong. the pilot could say, stop them from having sex! no! >> okay. why did you crash the plane? you wouldn't stop them. it's for the purposes of this joke. leave me alone. (laughter) one way w we can help minorities is by helping the police. if this carries on, the distrust in the police will rise. the police will feel more threatened by the public who doesn't trust them and the cycle
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will only get worse, and that, donald j. trump, is something to really be afraid of. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) slap break! wrong. have a break, have a kit kat! i think about where i've been. i consider the flavors... and then, i bring them together to create something new. blue moon. artfully brewed with valencia orange peel and a touch of coriander. something's brewing.
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so i could escape. and that's what happened to your breakfast croissant. and yours? it survived. enjoy freshly cracked egg with ham and bacon. or sausage. two tasty croissants at an even tastier $4 price. it's a deal you'll devour. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! last night, donald trump closed the r.n.c. with his vision of an
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america overcome with crime, murder and maihem. it may seem like we're living in the purge but that only applies to florida. i'm not going to lie, the way trump talks about this stuff scared me (bleep)less. which is good because i have had this thing where i haven't been able to. it's weird, when westerners go to a third world country, it goes out. when we come here, it stays. i don't know what happens. our correspondents have been here all week and they can give us an idea of what's going on. jordan klepper, everybody! (cheers and applause) jordan klepper, you were at trump's speech. what are your thoughts? >> trevor, america is under attack from all sides. immigrants are pouring over the border with the specific goal to murder our children, our smart children, too, i mean like the good ones. so i don't know about you, but
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after that trump speech, i'm buying a (bleep) load of guns, 50, 60, whatever fits in the windowless van i rented. from now on i'm arming myself to the teeth and you should too. >> trevor: thanks, jordan klepper. ronny chieng standing by! (cheers and applause) ronny, how are you feeling right now? >> trevor, i'm (bleep) terrified, all right? i heard some people are arming themselves to the teeth! to the teeth, trevor! that's like the whole body! they're arming head, shoulders, knees and toes. >> trevor: knees and toes? knees and toes! i have no choice but to protect myself. i've got to get a gun, too. >> trevor: rony, you're an immigrant, i don't know if you're allowed to buy a gun. >> i'll get one on facebook, pokepokeypokeymon go, the bla.
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i need to be armed. >> trevor: going to roy wood, jr. you're on the ground in cleveland. what are you hearing? >> unconfirmed reports that immigrants are buying weapons on the black market, trevor! in fact, some are reported to have been saying they plan to be armed to the teeth in windowless vans. so the black community is out of options, they have to come together hike the avengers and fight back! i've got no choice. i've got to arm myself and my child. >> trevor: strong statements. thanks, roy. let's go to hasan minhaj, everybody, who's standing by. hasan, you're on the ground. what can you tell us? >> trevor, i am hearing that the black panthers and the avengers have teamed up to come kill us using child soldiers. now, there is only one thing for me to do. first things first, i've got to get a bunch of guns. then i've got to go to the mosque with my family and just prays everything turns out okay.
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>> trevor, trevor! >> trevor: what's happening, jordan? >> a muslim militia is gathering together en masse. i can only assume to plot an attack of some kind in conjunction with an army of child soldiers hell-bent on eating our children. not to mention our marriage is falling apart. >> trevor: never said anything about your marriage. >> you never asked. it's incredible how scary everything is feeling overnight, all trump's fault. >> trevor: what will you do? probably vote for trump. >> trevor: thank you, jordan klepper, and everybody else (cheers and applause) thank you so much, i feel a lot safer now. now, a lot of the fear being stoked this week has been helped by the cavalcade of misinformation flying around. to help clear things up, we go to desi lydic with what the actual fact. ♪ (cheers and applause)
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>> so much to talk about. let's get this over with so i can wrap up this convention week with a nice, long, relaxing shower cry. first up, let's go back to day one when marine corps veterans mark geist and john tiegen addressed the convention on the g.o.p.'s favorite subject, starts with a b and ends with engazi and hillary clinton's fault. >> we got a call that the u.s. counsel lat had been overrun. we immediately got our gear ready to go, got the vehicles ready, and we -- on three separate occasions, got pulled away by the chief of ace bob and told to stand down. >> that's false. multiple federal committees investigated this and said there was no official stand-down order, although there was a make believe guy in a movie who did issue an order like that in the michael bay film about benghazi.
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>> losing initiative. stand down! basically, this is something that makes sense in a movie but not in real life, so i give it one katherine heigl (bleep)ing seth rogen. (cheers and applause) next up, florida attorney general pam bondi. >> winning this election means reclaiming something to which i've dedicated my entire career, the rule of law. laws that apply equally to everyone. >> that's right. under bondi, the laws apply equally to everyone, except in 2013 when pam bondi was thinking about joining a new york state probe into whether trump university was ripping people off, but then she decided to back off after getting a $25,000 donation from the trump foundation. it's not exactly illegal, but it does look pretty shady.
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so ethically speaking, i have to give that statement -- ow! thank you. (laughter) oh, i give that nothing. we're all good here. (applause) now, before i move on, i just want to go to ivanka for a quick second. >> our father and next president donald j. trump. ♪ (audience reacts) >> yeah... yeah, that's not a fact. it's just super creepy. now, let's get to the golding gn calf and his promise to the gay community. >> as your president, i will do everything in my power to protect our lgbtq citizens from
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the violence and oppression of a hateful foreign ideology! >> is it just me or does he say lgbtq like he's reading off an eye chart at overland college? (cheers and applause) listen, i hope trump's statement is true, but even if he protects the lgbt community from hateful foreign ideology, he doesn't mention anything about hateful domestic ideology, specifically -- (applause) -- specifically his political husband mike pence. (applause) now, because vice president q-tip isn't exactly the queer community's besty. mike pence is against gay marriage, gays in the military and gays in your pizzeria if you don't want them there. he's also said you can "ungay" people through therapy. so this statement is false.
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donald trump is giving you something that looks refreshing, but it's missing the most important part, like a virgin margarita. disgusting. it's like a coke without the rum. (applause) okay. we have time to check one more fact, and it's a doozie. >> at our convention, there will be no lies. (laughter) (applause) (cheers) >> back to you, trevor! >> trevor: desi lydic, everybody! we'll be right back!
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." now, this is sadly our final night in cleveland. (audience reacts) i know, it will be sad for us to say goodbye, but for one of our correspondents, he may be saying goodbye than more just cleveland. hasan minhaj reports. >> it was time to say goodbye to cleveland and, as a muslim staring down the barrel of a trump presidency, it's time for me to say goodbye to america. >> donald j. trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. what i want is i don't want them to come here. >> donald trump telling nbc news he would certainly implement a database system to track muslims in the u.s. >> bans, registries? doesn't take a genius to see he's going to kick my brown ass out of here. so i decided to say goodbye to
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my home the united states and all the places i would never get to visit. what's the best thing about wisconsin. >> the packers. in georgia, white water rafting. >> oklahoma. the sooners. maui, meaning it's the best. i would love to go. you're welcome to come. i would love to come see a game. >> come. i can't. why? i'm a muslim and if donald trump is elected, he's probably going to throw me out. >> oh, i don't think so. well, he has already asked for a complete and total showdown of plumedzs entering the country -- muslims entering the company and asked american muslims to sign up for a registry. >> well, you kind of have to understand a little bit of where he's coming from. >> where he's coming from? like this? >> you told cnn, "islam hates us." did you mean all 1.6 billion muslims? >> i mean a lot of them. i mean a lot of them. >> but for some reason, republicans don't seem too worried.
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>> h he's a guy that shoots off the hip and says things politically incorrect kind of guy. >> and sometimes the racist stuff comes off the hip. >> off the hip. bang bang. donald trump isn't going to kick the muslims out of the united states. >> do you think he's going to be nice tore muslims? >> i don't know what donald trump is going to do, never know what donald trump is going to do, right? >> that's what i'm scared about. i can't speak for donald trump, but he's going to do the right thing. he says what he's going to do and he'll do what he says. >> wait... so is he or isn't he going to do all this (bleep) because the stakes are pretty frickin' high for me. i'm beginning to think these republicans just hate muslims. >> no! no, i don't hate anybody -- except... (laughter) -- i really don't hate anybody. >> so you would say you love muslims. >> i do. are you a muslim? >> yes. i love you. , too. (laughter) give me a hug. i'm not going to live here much
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longer. >> well, we love you, don't worry about it, you're safe. >> can you say goodbye to the 3.3 million muslims who live in america. >> we love you the 3.3 muslims who live in the america and the billion-plus in the world. >> wow. why are you voting for this man? >> i love him. i think he's a great candidate for president, support his policies. >> i didn't understand, republicans were showing me so much love, even their accidental racism was kind of adorable. >> i'm just glad you're a good one. >> and i'm glad you're one of the good ones. (laughter) >> so if they love us, why would they vote for the most anti-muslim candidate in american history? what are they thinking? >> if he makes muslims register in the united states, what's going to happen to us? >> i have to be honest with you, i haven't thought that far as far as the muslims that are in the united states. i really don't know the answer to that question. >> because i really like you here. >> well, until these republicans starttcaring about how their votes affect brown people, i guess i'm going to have to say
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my good buys. goodbye t-shirts only republicans can afford. goodbye karl rove, goodbye token minorities, goodbye hypocritical gun policy, goodbye walking contradictions, goodbye, america, i'll miss you. (applause) >> trevor: hasan minhaj, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ my brother and i have always been rivals. we would dream about racing each other, in monaco. ♪ we were born brothers.


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