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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  July 29, 2016 9:25am-10:01am PDT

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i'll tell you who won't like that -- ghosts. (laughter) in fact, we've just received a formal statement from ghosts: "on behalf of the entire ghost community, i'm offended that our president would tell us not to boo. saying "boo!" is how we make a living as apparitions of the dead. moreover, we cannot vote, on account of the whole dead thing. so, president obama, please stop taking jobs away from hard working american ghosts ." (applause) boo. boo. obama made it clear to the audience how he really felt about his bestie, hillary clinton. >> i can say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman -- not me, not bill, nobody -- more qualified than hillary clinton to serve as president of the united states of america. (cheers and applause)
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>> larry: man! whoo! man! move over, gayle king, because hillary officially has the best black friend ever! (laughter) last night wasn't just about saying goodbye to obama, it was also about saying hello to tim kaine -- or should i say "hola, señor kaine"? >> the best compliment that you could pay to somebody was to say that they were listo. ready. not inteligente -- smart. not amable -- friendly. not rico -- rich. but listo. listo! >> is it just me or does tim kaine seem like a laid-back middle school teacher? (laughter) doesn't he? (applause) hey guys! check it out, guys! the only homework this weekend -- is to have fun!
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fiesta! but some had a problem with this white man who was speaking the language of el diablo. >> hillary clinton, instead of choosing a latino, she chose an old white man who speaks spanish. that is a slap in the face to hispanic americans. >> larry: are you kidding? hispanic americans love slaps in the face. it's what 90% of telenovelas are about. (applause) all right? got it? don't be telling me. no, angry trump lady, as far as latinos are concerned, "this" is more of a slap in the face. >> when mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. they're bringing drugs. they're bringing crime. they're rapists. >> larry: and angry trump lady's not alone. this blonde-ito on cnn shared her univision. >> i'm hoping i'm not going to have to kind of start brushing up back on my dora the explorer to understand some of the speeches given this week. >> larry: brushing up on dora
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the explorer? you mean learning about maps and thieving weasels? what's wrong with speaking another language? for her thoughts, we turn to nightly show contributor and resident latina grace parra. (cheers and applause) >> thank you, larry. what the (bleep) is so wrong with people learning a second language? is it because that language is spanish? we really don't want to think our politicians are smart enough to speak another language? look, if trump started to break out into a little german, i get it, that would be terrifying. (laughter) but we're talking about our neighbor, mexico. we share a border with them -- nobody gets upset when americans just break out in canadian! (laughter) >> larry: grace, i don't think that's a language. >> you don't know what you're talking aboot, larry. (laughter) of course, it is, eh?
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>> larry: grace, that was horrible. >> callate, lorenzo! (slaps larry) look, are we so non-aspirational that we have to continually declare war on knowing things? even the pide piper of the even the pide piper of the uneducated himself, donald trump, is married to a woman who speaks many languages -- slovenian, english, french, serbian, german and michelle obama. (cheers and applause) >> larry: once again, grace, i don't think michelle obama is a language. >> (slaps larry) we should encourage all americans to be smart and do things like learn spanish as opposed to just speaking english louder around someone who speaks spanish. >> larry: she's right. very nice. grace parra, everybody! >> (rolling "rs") (slaps larry) >> larry: parra, right.
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tens of thousands of miles, taken years of hard work, and more energy than i knew i had. but that's ok. i'm looking far down the road... where many more hours, and miles and long days lay ahead. 'cause where i am today is just a start... compared to where i'm going. ♪ ♪ i'm comin' over
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♪olympics 2016, let me get you on my level. ♪ so you never miss a moment, ♪ ♪miss a minute, miss a medal. ♪ ♪ why settle when you can have it all? ♪ ♪soccer to wrestling. track and field to basketball. ♪ fencing to cycling. diving to balance beam. ♪ ♪all you have to sa♪ ♪ is, "show me," and boom it's on the screen♪ ♪ from the bottom of the mat, ♪ ♪ to the couch where you at? ♪ ♪ show me the latest medal count♪ ♪xfinity's where it's at. ♪ welcome to it all. comcast nbcuniversal is proud to bring you coverage of the rio olympic games. (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back! as i discussed on the show last night, bill o'reilly had a white-hot take after michelle obama said in her convention speech that the white house was built by slaves -- here's how i reacted last night.
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>> michelle obama is essentially correct in citing slaves as buildings of the white house. -- builders of the white house. slaves that worked there were well-fed and had decent lodgings provided by the government. >> larry: what?! your takeaway about slavery is that they were well-fed? thank you, massa o'reilly for clarifying me about slavery! (applause) i pull out my slave impression now and then for these moments. (laughter) well, o'reilly had a full 24 hours to re-think it. did he double down on his comments, or did he show contrition in this wake of his insensitivity? the answer... might surprise you. (small beat) if you don't know who bill o'reilly is. for the rest of you, here's the obvious. >> that commentary 100% accurate, providing context to mrs. obama's remarks and explaining how the administration of george washington conducted itself in the construction of the
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executive mansion. >> larry: are you kidding me?! what is wrong with him? this is clearly all part of o'reilly's research into his new book "killing sanity," because who the (bleep) finds the silver lining in savory?! -- lining in slavery? but it brings up an interesting question -- is the kind of context helpful in the discussion of slavery? well, there is only one way to get to the bottom of it -- an old-fashioned cable news argument. so without further adieu, here's another installment of "pardon the integration." (arguing) >> larry: please welcome "the nightly show" contributors mike yard and rory albanese. (cheers and applause) tonight's topic -- o'reilly's white house slave comments. rory, you will start by taking o'reilly's side and, mike, you will argue against. >> mike: no, no, no. this is time, i want to start by
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taking the bad side. okay? yep. because whenever we do this, i start by taking the sensible position and rory takes the ignorant position. then we switch and at the end of the segment with me taking the controversial side, and you two say i'm a dick. so, no, this time, i'm going to start by taking the crazy position. >> larry: mike, we don't do -- >> yes, you do. every time. >> larry: okay, okay, mike. you know we love you. sure, we'll try it that way. >> thank you. >> rory: fine with me. >> mike: not falling for this crap again. >> larry: okay, mike, so tell us why bill o'reilly was right. begin! >> mike: well, o'reilly was simply pointing out the fact that not all slaves were treated that badly. that's it! >> rory: jesus, mike! i can't even believe you said that. >> larry: yeah, mike, what the (bleep)?
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what's wrong with you? >> mike: no, no, that's not how this works! >> rory: larry, i don't want to do this anymore. it just feels icky. >> larry: i agree, let's just end this. and the winner is rory because mike is totally fine with slavery and loves bill o'reilly. >> rory: oh, thank you. i'd like to dedicate my decisive victory to the descendents of slaves. >> larry: awwww, rory. >> mike: i don't believe this (bleep). >> larry: this has been a heartbreaking episode of "pardon the integration." mike yard and rory albanese, everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ with this level of intelligence... ...it's a supercomputer. with this grade of protection... it's a fortress. and with this standard of luxury... it's an oasis.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: hi, welcome back! i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor ricky velez. "the nightly show" contributor grace parra. (cheers and applause) and his new book "the world according to star wars" is out now, author, harvard law professor and former administrator of the white house office of information and regulatory affairs, cass sunstein. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. so right now, as we're airing, probably -- or maybe hillary has already accepted the democratic nomination. last night, obama threw his full support behind hillary saying she was the most qualified. do the american people even care
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about qualifications right now? (laughter) >> they certainly do. >> larry: evidence, please. (laughter) >> the election of barack obama. >> larry: yes, they cared about it in 2008 and 2012 (applause) but they tried to use i it agait obama in that election. >> and did not succeed. >> larry: so you think they care about qualification. >> absolutely. there is a difficult time in terms of people facing economic distress, there are threats. secretary of state dealt wish shoes of economic policy both from the senate and the white house. people care a great deal about that. >> larry: you've heard of donald trump, right? >> the main qualification some people have is just that you're not hillary clinton. i feel like a bunch of republicans is all they care about as long as you're not hillary, we're good. which is so unfortunate. she's so experienced and somebody we should be looking at
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and thinking i want to vote for her because she's hillary and not just someone who's not trump (applause) it's pro trump or anti-trump or less pro trump and pro hillary. >> americans don't care about qualifications. you hired me on this show, a political show. (laughter) you don't care about qualifications. >> larry: we'll see. but you are a very funny young man. >> i tell big jokes, larry, that's my job. >> larry: it's all about balance. just looking out for my homeys! (laughter) so do you think it's going to be more of an anti--- you know, the message of the d.n.c., was it more anti-trump or pro-hillary? >> completely comparative. you have one person with a record of achievements in the domestic and international preen nay. the people who love her most are
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those who work with her most closely. they admire her and like her. then you have someone -- >> larry: trump is opposite. >> well, his family lovers him but if you get them behind closed doors, i think they're thinking this guy should not really be president of the united states. >> larry: you think so? (cheers and applause) you know what? i think eric trump has that look in his eyes. >> it would have to be a closed and soundproof door. he has a tv show, the apprentice, there was a "star wars" theme on one episode where he was talking with darth vader, i don't think that's the qualifications even his family thinks -- >> larry: you may be giving his family too much credit. (laughter) >> i don't think this is the last trump will run for president by the way. i think ivanka has it in her eyes. >> larry: do you think? >> yeah, don't you think? >> i have been looking in those
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eyes. yeah, i get it. (laughter) >> i will vote for that trump is hundred%. >> larry: ivanka? >> yeah! i don't know the names of the other ones. (laughter) who knows the other trumps? nobody. it's ivanka and donald. >> i know tiffany because i feel bad she's the non-ivanka one. >> she just called her ugly in a nice way. (applause) >> builds character. >> no! >> larry: it's so odd to me because the numbers are so close together, you know, right now. now that we're at the end of this convention, which do you think resonated with the american people more. >> some of them were amazed by the republican one -- >> it's like a nascar. >> a lot like that. (laughter) >> larry: if there was somebody other than trump for
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the republicans would that make a difference now? >> i think so. if they had one of the ones who had experience, you know, jeb bush -- >> larry: do you think he would have a showing. >> i think maybe he didn't need the exclamation point. maybe if he had two, he would be the nominee. (laughter) but some of the republicans, they would be formidable, they wouldn't be turning off their own party the way trump is. trump does have a kind of tv show "apprentice" talk-to-darth-vader-on-air quality which the others don't but i think it would be a more serious competition in the end. >> larry: same or different? >> no, it would be different. this guy's wild! i would rather vote for stone-cold steve austin at this point. it would be amazing! (laughter) >> larry: now that hillary is actually the nominee, does it feel different? >> as a woman, it does.
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it feels real good. (cheers and applause) i also am a bernie fan, and i have to say it felt a little bittersweet. i like bernie a lot. it's been sad the last couple of days to see him -- it's kind of tortorturous to make him sit through that hour after hour after hour -- >> larry: he's never been to a party so late. (laughter) >> i feel bad because he's not going to be able to run again. i feel like they should have done, like, what they did at the end of "radio" the movie, where they let him run a touchdown just to have it. (laughter) (applause)
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>> larry: just swear him in a little bit! (laughter) radio, that's what we have been looking for. we'll be right back! >> if you live in new york city or are planning to visit, grab tickets to "the nightly show." ♪ with this level of intelligence... ...it's a supercomputer. with this grade of protection... it's a fortress. and with this standard of luxury... it's an oasis. introducing the completely redesigned e-class. it's everything you need it to be... and more. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. what would help is simply being able to recognize a fair price. that's never really been possible. but along comes a radically new way to buy a car,
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she slimed me. which i probably should've seen coming. [ laughs ]
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♪ >> larry: all right. thanks to my panelists -- ricky velez, grace parra, and cass sunstein. thanks for watching. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ announcer: live from philadelphia, america's first -- cream cheese. let's not get crazy.
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goldman sachs presents the hillary acceptance speech. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: thank you, so much, everybody. thank you, so much. welcome to the "daily show" i'm trevor noah coming to live from philadelphia. this is it, ladies and gentlemen. moments ago hillary clinton officially accepted the nomination as president of the united states. this is it. exciting. she made history as the first zayn person nominated for president this year. now we will get into the highlights of hillary's speech in a moment. one of the moving moments came earlier from the parents of a muslim army captain who gave his life fighting in iraq. >> donald trump, consistently smears the character of muslims. donald trump, you're asking
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americans to trust you with their future. let me ask you, have you even read the united states constitution? [cheers and applause] >> i will, i will gladly lend you my copy. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: no, no, no. what are you doing? he hates those two things the most, muslims and reading. no. after more speeches and a beautiful katy perry show it was time for hillary -- first, first. as customary in american politics her daughter came out to introduce her. >> our daughter charlotte is nearly two years old. she loves elmo. she loves blue berries. and above all she loves face
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timing with grandma. [cheers and applause] >> my mom can be about to walk on stage for a debate or a speech. it just doesn't matter. she will drop everything for a few minutes of blowing kisses and reading chuga-chuga choo choo. >> trevor: that's right she will drop everything to be on face time with her grandchild. russia could be storming the coast. madam president, russia is advancing. it's getting dangerous. i will tell you what is dangerous. this little face. this little face. someone needs to launch an attack of kisses on this little face. chuga-chuga-chuga. chelsea gave a great speech. what was i en endearing as the o mayor rated my morgan freeman.
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>> here is a woman. what does she dream of? when does she feel proud? how many times will she leave her mark and light up the world? >> trevor: morgan freeman, a perfect choice. who better to humanize hillary clinton then the man that made us fall in love with penguins, people. after katy perry, chelsea clinton, hillary walked out on the stage. i will put it out this. i don't know if i trust a presidential candidate who doesn't inappropriately touch their daughter. [laughing] >> trevor: i don't know, people. where is the sexual tension? something is missing. hillary's speech touched on a lot of themes. first she had to shout out to the man she beta long the way. >> i want to thank bernie
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sanders. bernie, your campaign inspired millions of americans. particularly the young people who threw their hearts and souls into our primary. [ applause ] >> you put economic and social justice issues front and center, where they belong. and to all of your supporters here and around the country i want you to know i have heard you. >> trevor: so now shut the hell up, and let me do my speech. here is $27, enjoy your bus ride back to vermont. go on. no, that was sweet, though. really was. one of the first time hillary and bernie have been in the same sentence without people booing. bernie doesn't smile much. he looked up to the screen and screens have that magic. bernie is like, i'm on the
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screen. now hillary moves onto her new opponent, donald trump. >> he's betting the perils of today's world will blind us to his unlimited promise. he has taken the republican party a long way. from morning in america to midnight in america. >. trevor: wait isn't midnight the cool one? that's how you know hillary is a hard worker. she's like we need it to be morning again. i'm like it's midnight, i just got to the club. by the way, by the way, donald trump hates midnight. that's when he turns back into a racist pumpkin. [ applause ] >> trevor: it's real. hillary hit trump hard all night. she knows trump can't take it. >> a man you can bait with a tweet, is not a man we can

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