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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  July 29, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> trevor: thanks for tuning in. that's our show. it's unfortunately the end of our week here in philly. before we go, i want to thank everyone here at the annenberg center for helping us put this show on. (cheers and applause) more especially the people of philadelphia, thank you so much for welcoming us and stuffing us full of your heart attack inducing delicacies. we've enjoyed all of it. i think somebody is going to have to roll me out of your city by the end of it all. now here it is... your moment of zen. ♪ sweet caroline
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much! thank you. thank you very much. welcome to the "nightly show," i'm larry wilmore. libertarian candidate gary johnson will be on the show later. very excited. ♪ ain't no party like the third party because the third party
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don't-- last night, hillary clinton officially accepted her party's unblackination nomination! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! which means it's time for the unblackening. that still scares me every time. but, man, kudos to debbie wasserman schultz. that lady put together a great convention that she couldn't attend because she resigned in disgrace. you did it, girl! you did it! this thing was epic, really. i mean, last night, the democrats ended what i have to say was the best republican convention ever. >> retired general john allen. >> america will defeat isis and protect the homeland.
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>> jesus, jesus! >> god says so much. >> i worked in president reagan's white house. >> ronald reagan. >> ronald reagan. >> u.s. a! >> ronald reagan. >> ronald reagan. >> larry: romney 2012! in fact, the d.n.c. was so republican, you even had a surprise appearance by the constitution itself when khizr kahn, the father of fallen muslim-american soldier humayun khan, delivered one of the evening's most memorable lines. >> donald trump, you are asking americans to trust you with their future. have you even read the united states constitution? (cheers) i will gladly lend you my copy. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: wow, if khizr kahn
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didn't move you, then i don't know. you must be the republican nominee for president. in fact, kahn's burn upset trump so much, we actually have footage of his reaction. >> khaaaaaan! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: or cameras catch everything. so pretty much everything you hed leading up to hillary's speech was something you would have expected to hear at past g.o.p. conventions. well, except this kind of star power. >> here's katy perry. >> how you doing? >> larry: now, at a republican convention, it would have been, "and now, sinese and the lieutenant dan band." or maybe scott baio's new band chachi and the mariachis. by the way, look at this guy during katy perry's performance. ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) we don't even have a joke for that. we just felt it was our
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patriotic duty to show it to you. that was very strange. and right before her big speech, cnn's knights of the pundit table speculated on what hillary needed to do. >> she has to be herself. >> reintroduce herself. >> contrast herself with donald trump. >> thread the needle on policy a little bit. >> lay forth a plan for the future. >> appeal to independents. try to appeal to republicans. >> larry: no, sweat, man. all she has to do is address her weak spots, and hit trump, and reintroduce herself, and appeal to republicans and progressives and independents, and motorcycle jump through a flaming hoop over ten school buses while juggling chainsaws, and she'll do great! ( cheers and applause ) she's going to do great! y hillary finally took her place in the spotlight alone. not as a mother or the president's wife, but the first woman to be one step away from the oval office. >> and so, my friends, it is with humility, determination, and boundless confidence in america's promise that i accept
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your nomination for president of the united states! ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's history, man. i mean, i don't care, even if you hate hillary clinton, there was no way you couldn't be riveted-- eyes like a raccoon-- just soaking up every second of that history. >> it won't be easy or quick. but make no mistake, we will prevail. >> larry: that was awkward. did you see the expression on tim kaine's face? "seriously, bill? "seriously, bill? you've gotta be (bleep) kidding me!" oh, wait. it's tim kaine, so he would say, "de verdad guillermo?
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me estas (bleep)!" come on, bill. your wife is giving the most important speech of her life! you're her husband! remember? you met a girl? you should be giving her your full attention, like this. that's how you do it! yeah! attention. that guy's paying full attention. get him off! so after this historic speech, we gotta get some nice unbiased and non-sexist analysis. take it away, fox. >> she doesn't understand it. when you speak into a microphone like that, there's such things as amplifiers and speakers ,and you're going to be heard. makes you feel a little but like you've been called into the principal's office. >> she's not really going to have a good voice next week after that speech. >> she's not the best public speaker, and she gets louder and louder and a little shrill and angry. >> she has a not-so-attractive voice. >> larry: a woman doesn't have to speak in a demure whisper while she's telling you how she plans to lead the free world! ( cheers and applause )
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at the end of two weeks of watching these conventions, i have two takeaways. one, life is meaningless. and, 2, the nominees for donald trump, much like pearl harbor, awakened the sleeping giant. yes, this felt like a republican convention, but only because for the past few decades, the republicans have done such a great job of hijacking patriotism and faith and a sense of american exceptionalism-- and, by the way, with the complicit aid of the democratic party, who thought that criticizing things like an unjust war in vietnam or not wanting religion to be a part of politics meant that they had to turn the volume down on their love of country. look, both democrats and republicans love their country. but now, after a week of
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listening to mango mussolini saying america sucks, the sleeping giant of democratic patriotism has been awakened. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) this is smith & forge. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider our forefathers drank. and they built this country with their bare hands. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste. jump 50 feet over the rapids and i crash land. check out my scar. there's nothing there! you didn't jump the creek! there's a new neosporin antibiotic that minimizes scars. new neosporin plus pain itch scar whoo! oh, don't worry it. they can't hear me. i'm just in your head. (announcer vo) no matter how you use your data
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. hillary's historic nomination broke a long tradition in politics, so we sent grace parradown to philadelphia to tell us about another tradition in politics that doesn't seem to have changed a bit. let's take a look. >> a woman for president. >> in philadelphia this week, democrats were all about empowering women. >> standing up for women! >> women! >> women. >> hillary clinton. >> girls. >> women. >> but donna brazile wasn't the only lady dancing for democrats this week because where did
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hillary delegates go after a long day of crashing glass ceilings. kiddie bars. that's why i had to go to a philadelphia strip club to root out this disturbing trend. have you guys seen a lot of about the businessthis week, meaning more business than usual? >> five to six times more. >> believe it or not, he is not the secretary of the department of agriculture. he is the manager of a philly strip club seeing much larger crowds since the d.n.c. is in town. is this because they're democrats? >> they're politicians and everybody is horny. >> do you think there is something hypocrital about supporting someone for women but coming to a strip club? >> i don't see a relation. >> the dancers claim to be excited but something in the way they cloroxed bodily flewids off
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that pole told me theept to clean up the democratic party. and fetishes. >> feet is a pretty big fetish. >> republicans like feet? >> yes, stinky feet. >> no! >> yes. sweaty feet, usually. >> what! >> yeah. >> i have a customer who will pay at least $1,000 for you to poop on him. >> is his name newt gingrich? and philadelphia isn't even america's fetush capital. >> d.c. is known mostly for their torture chambers for politicians. >> what! >> a lot of high-end politicians, businessmen, too, like to get tortured and that's what excites them and keeps them going every day. >> d.c. in itself is kind of a torture chamber. >> they release all of their power to someone else to torture them instead of them torturing everybody else. >> good point but how sleazy do
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politicians get with their reckless spending? >> customers like to have financial domination. meaning they give girls complete control over their bank accounts. that's what excites them. it's not sexual but it excites them and who is to say anything is wrong with that? >> why have i not met one single man in my life like that because that sound awesome. that got me thinking about the difference between these two age-old professions. which do you think is the smarter career path for young women, politics or stripping? >> stripping. >> why, you can drink and lie and not get in trouble. they're strong, independent women. they live by themselveses mostly. they provide for their families or for themselves. they put themselves through school. and they're not doing anything illegal. >> so maybe strip clubs don't demean women as much as i thought. if stripping set women backs he would never say it's a better career path than politics. which profession would you feel more comfortable with your daughters getting into, politics
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or stripping? >> probably politics. >> wow, zach changed his positions quicker than hillary. i realized strip clubs and political conventions aren't so different. they both attract huge crowds. they both trade in dirty secrets and they both bring in that sweet, sweet money. ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks, grace. we'll be right back with libertarian presidential candidate before gary johnson right after this. this is smith & forge. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. conventions are over! republicans had their week. democrats had their week.
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but many people are still left undecided. here to tell us why the third party is the party where we should be at is libertarian candidate, governor gary johnson. ( cheers and applause ) have a seat. very nice. very nice welcome there, gary. what is libertarianism? and is libertarianism as kooky as libertarians? ( applause ) you know what i'm saying, right? >> i do! >> larry: spell it out for us. what exactly is libertarian? >> i think libertarianism does reflect most people in this country. keep government out of my pocketbook, out of my bedroom. let's stop with these military interventions, let's bring the world togetherring with free trade and diplomacy.
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nonaggression principle. look, don't use force unless-- unless force has been applied to you. >> larry: so it's get out of the bedroom, get out of the wars-- >> get out of my pocket. >> larry: get out of your pocket. what do you get into? ( laughter ) >> liberty and freedom. always come down on the the side of choice, that we as individuals should as you be able to make choices in our lives as long as those choices don't adversely affect others. >> larry: what do you think are the the three biggest issues we're facing right now? and as a libertarian candidate, how do you propose to address those issues? >> well, government is too big. it takes too much money out of our pocke pocketbooks. so lower taxes -- >> larry: does lower taxes itself reduce the size of government? it reduces the ability of governor to do the ( bleep ) it's ineffectively doing right now. haugh laugh ( applause ). >> i think you hit on it.
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any of us believe that government is running on all eight cylinders? no. we're headed to a fiscal cliff if we don't address some really big issues and that's going to be the entitlements. we can can do this effectively. we can still create a safety net. nobody goes without. but that's issue number one. issue number two, liberty, free, personal freedom-- a woman's right to choose. marriage equality. let's legalize marijuana. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: a lot of people like that. legalize marijuana seems to be a big deal with libertarians. why do you think the weedhter ). >> well, it hasn't-- it hasn't amounted to anything to this point. >> larry: is it a growing constituency? >> a growing constituency. >> larry: would you like to see marijuana legal all the country? >> i would. and i think california is going to vote to do it in november and i really think that's going to be the tipping point. yeah. >> larry: how much weed do you smoke a day?
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>> um, what was it, 10 weeks ago, somebody asked me, "when was the last time you consumed marijuana?" "consumed." i have an aversion to smoke glg there are many different opportunities to specify the many different avenues it enters your system. >> two weeks ago that question was answered 10 days ago. i don't think you should show up on the job impaired and -- >> would you be high as president? >> no, i wouldn't be. >> larry: be honest. don't you like to me. >> seriously -- >-->> but how awesome would thae if one day they're waiting for you in the rose garden and it's a half an hour late and they cut to you in the west wing and you're like, "sorry, dudes." >> never, never, larry. and, look, the job of president is 24/7. so i don't want to be on the job impaired. i've made that pledge. ( laughter )
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( applause ) >> larry: good, good. go ahead. >> well, tell the truth and you don't have to remember anything. >> larry: correct. don't make up a lot of ( bleep ) and nobody can follow it and all of a sudden, you're at the head of the republican ticket. ( cheers and applause ) who do you think-- who do you think is driving the energy for a third party more, donald trump or hillary clinton? >> i think it's equal. and keep in mind -- >> really, you think it's equal? >> oh, definitely, confidential. >> larry: really? >> the two most polarizing figures ever -- >> the way you said that. you like that, too. >> no, it's gotten to that point. i don't like it. i don't think any of us like it. i think that's reflected in the fact that right now everybody that goes to register to vote, 50% of everybody that goes to register to vote now is saying they're independent. well, where is that representation? hillary on one side, trump on the other side. it's going to be worse than
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ever! what if you had a couple of former governors, libertarians in the middle just reaching out to both sides? hiring democrats and republicans and reaching out and saying, "hey, come on, come on! let's come together on these issues?" which scenario-- i don't know, which scenario might work the best? >> larry: who do you think has the chance of grabbing more, the republican crumbs cast-offs? i don't know if there are any field of burns embers that are going to blow their way over to libertarianism, do you think? >> i think it's going to be equally from both sides? >> larry: you think so. aren't more republicans libertarians than democrats? >> no, really, it's a 50-50 split. it really is. and we wouldn't be doing this if there weren't the opportunity win, but to win we have to be at 15% in the polls and i think that will transpire. >> larry: there's a chance you can be in the debates. >> very much so. >> larry: do you think it's going to happen? >> i do. >> larry: what do you need to
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do to make that happen? ma. >> being on this show is going to push it to 17, i think. >> larry: there gu. >> thank you, thank you. i want to show a clip-- you guys had your convention, was it in june? >> end of may. >> larry: end of day, june, let me show you a little clip and i want to ask you a question. >> yeaahhhhh! my lions of libertyyyyy! >> larry: it looked like they were having a lot of fun. what is your message to america, gary? this is your chance. go for it. >> i think smaller government really is important. when government tries to accomplish things, it takes too much. it costs too much. and that takes money out of your and my pocketbook, and you i should be able to make choices in our lives regarding our own lives as long as we don't put other people in harm's way.
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and let's stop these wars. how long are we going to be at war with afghanistan. ( applause ). >> larry: all right! there you have it! governor gary johnson. and he left out the weed! he left out the marijuana. we'll be right back. introducing the newly designed dos equis can. but maybe you don't care about such things. you're wondering what happens next with the most interesting man in the world. me too. my boy, double "o", he's learning the andean flute. [ "hot cross buns" plays ] me, i'm using the bank of america mobile banking app. i can manage my accounts, deposit checks, get alerts, pay bills, and way more. hey, bud, it seems like you got that one down. ya got anything else? [ "beverly hills cop" theme plays ] ♪
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tylenol®. there has been a quest for sout of this world refreshment., now the search is over. cool! aquafina. for happy bodies. and see ice age: collision course in theaters july 22. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with governor gary johnson, and it's time for the game we like to call "keep it 100." here's how it works. i'm going to have you a question. you have to keep your answer 100% real. if you do, you get a nice little sticker, if not we throw weak tea at you. the tea is not what you think it is. you can't smoke it. ready? this is very easy? of the two major candidates donald trump hillary clinton--
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this ising no apersians on you-- which one do you think has done the most drugs? and which one needs to do some? keep it 100. >> i'm going to take trump at his word that he's never done drugs -- >> you believe him. >> or alcohol. i do. >> larry: i believe him about the alcohol but you believe him about the drugs. >> i do, yup. >> larry: hillary? >> that she has done more drugs. but who needs to do drugs? trump. >> larry: trump needs to do drugs? that's pretty good. ( cheers and applause ) he answered it pretty straight forward. i have to give him 100 for that. thanks for being here. governor gary johnson. thanks for watching. thanks, governor. ( cheers and applause )

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