tv The Daily Show Comedy Central August 5, 2016 1:35am-2:06am PDT
september 25th. we have one black character named denzel who is played by one very funny black actor, jerry minor. would you like to meet him? all: sure. - cock-blocked by a 90-year-old. ain't that some shit? - oh, denzel, what will you say next? and finally, it seems like we've been using the same emoticons for, like, a decade. my emotions are more complex than a frowny face or a winky face. so i've created some brand new emoticons to save time and lives. "i'm coming over to eat your vagina." simple. winky face, tongue out, the "v." got to keep one eye open, always. "don't tell me who won the game. i'm dvr-ing it and gonna watch it later." yeah, you got the x over the mouth and then an old vhs tape. every time i get this text, i get excited. this means, "hurry up and get over here. this party is full of asians." "if you need me, i will be in mcdonald's doing a b.m."
see, the 3 is an ass, and then the squiggly is diarrhea. and why we didn't just use the fucking letter "m," i'll... if you're ever in prison and you happen to sneak a phone in, you'll probably want to use this one. it's "i'm going to shank you in the yard to earn the respect of the cholos." you got a knife. knife equals... and then you got a little sombrero hat with eyes and the moustache. that equals a happy cholo. i've had to text my assistant this one a time or two. "i forgot to put my half-eaten veggie burger away, now there are ants." "aah, can't talk right now, the ghost owl is back!" do your part to make these catch on. good job, good effort. good job, good effort. good night. - nice shoes, asshole! >> trevor: from philadelphia,
democracy, we did it! it's the 2016 democratic national convention. let's not get crazy! night four! can we please just vote now? (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: thank you! thank you so much! welcome to "the daily show"! what an exciting week! we have been covering the democratic national convention here in philadelphia! so much fun. everyone, thank you so much for having us. this is officially our last show here and we're ending the week with a great guest, new jersey senator cory booker is joining us, everybody! (cheers and applause) let's get straight into it. last night was officially the end of the democratic national convention, and hillary was excited that she was finally the
nominee, and bill clinton was just as excited that there were balloons! (laughter) look how happy he is! he looks high! look at his face! (laughter) he says, "i can't believe all these balloons... wow, the blue ones --" he's so excited. you know what, after recent events in the news and the negative rhetoric of the conventions, especially in cleveland, i feel we all need balloons in our life, you know, because i understand bill clinton. there is no situation in which a balloon is a negative thing. balloons bring out the best in us. we laugh, we feel like kids again. maybe instead of dropping bombs in the middle east, maybe america should try dropping balloons just once, see what happens! (cheers and applause) what do you have to lose if i bet even militants would be, like, we must destroy america -- oh, look!
balloons! balloons! i'm going to make a bunny! (laughter) and if america misses its target, it wouldn't be so bad. bb news -- today, 42 million civilians were senselessly cheered up by a balloon strike... (cheers and applause) i will tell you, there is someone who needs balloons in his life, donald trump, because at the d.n.c., michael bloomberg dropped a donald trump distrack. >> trump says he wants to run the nation like he's running his business? god help us. i'm a new yorker and i know a con when i see one. truth be told, the richest thing about donald trump is his hypocrisy. >> trevor: right, so we covered the on the show yesterday, and one of the biggest discussions of this election year has been does donald trump have the temperament to be president, because being a president
especially in a nation in control of nuclear weapons requires you have measured responses. as a leader of democracy you can't lose your (bleep) at the slightest provocation. (laughter) it appears senator hitler didn't get the memo because, after watching that speech, he responded like this -- >> i wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard, i would have hit them -- no, no... (audience reacts) i was going to hit them -- i was all set, and then i got a call from a highly-respected governor -- how's it going, donald? i said, well, it's going good but they're really saying bad things about me. i was going to hit a very little guy, in particular, i was going to hit this guy so hard his head would spin, he wouldn't know what the hell would happen. >> trevor: you can bait donald trump into anything. hey donald! i bet your hands are too small to give me a hand job!
he would be, like, oh, yeah? drop those pants! your orgasm is going to be yuge! yuge! (cheers and applause) and by the way, actually, that was something i noticed watching donald trump, watch him when he speaks, it looks like he's always jacking off two tiny penises when he speaks. (laughter) (applause) just watch for that. let's move on to the substance of the convention. the d.n.c. may be over but we're still in philadelphia because we refuse to leave this great city until we separate the truth from the lies and because thursday flights were fully booked. (laughter) so we turn to desi lydic with what the actual facts. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> thanks, trevor. what an historic week.
for the first time in american history, a presidential nominee was told to smile more. and now that the euphoria around the democratic national convention has slightly subsided, let's take a minute to analyze some of the speeches from this week. >> wall street, corporations and the super rich are going to start paying their fair share of taxes. (cheers and applause) when more of 90% of the gains have gone to the top 1%, that's where the money is, and we are going to follow the money! (cheers and applause) >> now, quick side note, follow the money is also a sex game donald plays with melania. (laughter) you never know where the money will lead. but it always leads same place. (laughter) hillary says that 90% of income gains have gone to the top 1%, and that statistic was true in the first years after the
recession, but not anymore. if we look at the latest data, only 52% of income now goes to the richest 1% of the population. so hillary's claim is partly true, because while this situation is bad, it's not as bad as it was in 2012. so i give it lindsey lohan's drinking problem. (applause) now, let's move on to everyone's coolest social studies teacher, senator elizabeth warren. >> washington works great for those at the top. when giant companies wanted more tax loopholes, washington got it done. >> now, elizabeth warren is ac ciewgz congress of working with big business to pass tax loopholes, and she knows all about that because she supported a tax loophole that helped medical device companies in her state. so even though warren's claim is true, she's complaining about
something and pretending she's not in on it so she deserves a taylor swift. (cheers and applause) next up, like a well-to-do gay couple, let's move to chelsea. >> our son, aidan, is five and a half weeks old, and we are so thankful that he's healthy and thriving and well. we're a little biased, but we think he's just about the cutest baby in the world. >> awww! that is a cute baby. but is it the cutest baby in the world? (laughter) no. my baby is. yes. (cheers and applause) finally, we move on to one of the most remarkable speakers of the week, first lady michelle obama. >> don't let anyone ever tell you that this country isn't
great, that somehow we need to make it great again because this, right now, is the greatest country on earth. >> the greatest country on earth. this one's tough. technically, america is 36t 36th in math, 27 knowledge literacy and 41st in life expectancy, but the first lady specifically said "right now" which meant "right then," the moment michelle obama was speaking, and, yeah, during that non-stop mic-drop of a speech, america was the greatest country on earth. (cheers and applause) so... this statement is true, but only in the exact moment it was said. like saying "i love you" mid-orgasm. trevor? >> trevor: thank you, desi. desi lydic, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: now, there have been a lot of narratives coming
out of this week's d.n.c., and for help figuring out the real story we're joined by senior political correspondents jordan klepper, hasan minhaj and adam lowitt, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, gentlemen, for being here. jordan, you have been watching all week. what's the best way to sum up the clinton campaign? >> trevor, let me put this in a way philadelphians can identify with. hillary clinton proved this week that she is just like rocky balboa. do you have rocky in africa? >> trevor: of course we have rocky in africa, jordan. we've had it for, like, three years. >> perfect. (laughter) so think about it. hillary and rocky are beth lefty scrappers who get no respect. they both have an old guy who used to criticize them, but is now right in their corner, and now hillary is going to train hard, earn our support, and prove she's the one who can go the distance -- bah bah bah, bah
bah bah, bah bah bah (singing theme from "rocky") >> trevor: jordan! you realizes rocky loses. >> does he? i never get past the training montage. i just get so jazzed i get up, do 20 jumping jacks and pass out. >> trevor: that was very unhelpful. let's go to hasan minhaj, everybody. hasan, what is your take on hillary? >> trevor, i got to disagree with jordan. hillary clinton is not rocky. she's "rocky two." she got beat by the black guy last time and is ready for her second shot at the title. yeah! yeah! (cheers and applause) despite setbacks and the smear campaign run against her, this time she'll beat the odds and win -- bah bah bah (singing theme from "rocky") >> trevor: please! have control.
adam lowitt, hopefully you can add substance to this conversation. >> with pleasure. i'm sorry, this pandering is ridiculous. crowbarring hillary into some old boxing movie narrative just because we're in philadelphia? >> trevor: i'm glad you see it this way, adam. how would you sum up hillary's campaign? >> easy. it's "rocky three." hillary is rich, overconfident and will lose in an upset to an angry bully with weird mare who everybody calls mr. t. >> "rocky four"! >> yeah, "rocky four"! donald trump is a monster backed by russia and is embarrassing america in front of the entire world! (cheers and applause) >> exactly. and now hillary clinton is going to pull america back from the brink which training in those harsh conditions. >> pulling off a huge victor in front of the whole world. bah bah bah (singing theme from "rocky")
bah bah bah -- >> trevor: jordan klepper, >> trevor: jordan klepper, hasan minhaj, adam l an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. well this is my equation for success. i developed the 4 p's. politeness, patience, practice and... promotion! heeyaw! heeyaw! how does wendy's make fries that are worthy of the name baconator? start with thick applewood smoked bacon. add cheddar and creamy cheese sauce to natural cut fries seasoned with salt from the actual sea. and that's wendy's baconator fries just $1.99 for a limited time.
nacho cheese sauce and crunchy tostada. taco bell's new limited-edition triple double crunchwrap. it's one you don't want to miss. [sfx: bong] (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show," coming to you from philadelphia. it's the last night of our four nights here in philly. when a city hosts a convention, you know that for a brief period they'll change all sorts of things. public transportation will be affected, traffic patterns and getting turns. >> philadelphians passed new laws, last call 4:00 a.m. just for d.n.c. delegates! good times! >> two beers. >> twice as much privilege. >> yes. >> double up on the privilege. >> all right! >> what about the people who can't get in? have to stop drink at 2:00. >> come on... >> these democrats were up till
4:00 in the morning and we were getting stuff done according to my main man pennsylvania senator bob casey. >> you do a lot o a lot of netw. somebody bought me a beer and i'll network with that person. >> you be you, i'll be a republican from alaska. >> why there? >> because there ain't no black people. everybody would vote for me. >> okay. >> show me how networking happens in these parties. you start. >> hearings joe? >> yeah. >> i really love alaska and you, too,. >> vote for my bill! i'm from alaska! okay, cool. good networking with you. good times. (applause) yes, this is hypocritical as hell, man, but i discovered you can't keep the good people of philly down. >> i just drink, i don't worry about the laws. >> i understand. >> i'm going to be drunk as hell, bro.
i'm going to be drinking in that garage. >> you drink in a garage? >> yeah. >> you pond fishes have your loopholes, the people of philly have theirs, even is it is in a creepy-ass garage. >> thank you so much, rory. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) now, ronn -- ronny chieng, it'ss first time in philly and he took to the streets after i asked him to investigate the scene in fissle yanchts you did send me to investigate. it's 99 degrees out. after 10 minutes, all i want to investigate is a cold drink can can i get ice water? >> we sell water ice. >> i want ice water. >> we sell water ice. >> by you say you sell ice water. >> it's a philly thing, it's a frozen desert, water ice. what (bleep) flavor do you want? four flavors, not hard!
>> can you give me cherry without the cherry. >> i'm not a (bleep) scientist, i cannot take the flavor out of the water, you get it how i give it to you. >> what is your (bleep) problem man? >> you're way out of your (bleep) league. >> what are you doing the do about it? >> (bleep) you man. >> try it you might like it. >> i'm going to kick your ass if i don't like it. >> i'm always ready. >> good. >> thank you. family recipe, 1945. >> can i get a large cherry? >> yeah. >> thanks a lot, man. >> you're welcome. >> have a good day, take care. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: we'll be right back with senator cory booker! (cheers and applause) as the opening ceremonies. looks like you just won some gold. so did we. miller lite. winner of the 2016 world beer cup gold in the light lager category.
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new jersey. please welcome senator cory booker! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome, sir. >> thank you very much. >> trevor: good to have you on the show again. thank you for being here. what an exciting week this has been. >> it was really, really exciting. for a lot of reasons, but if you want to get out of the partisanship, we in america have done another major breakthrough with putting a woman at the head of -- (cheers and applause) >> trevor: you often hear people talking about ladies night, but this was ladies week, really. women were coming out and crushing it. can i be honest? i felt bad for you because -- >> yeah. >> trevor: no, no, i tell you why. you had a phenomenal speech, but -- (cheers and applause) >> yeah. >> trevor: -- but -- >> yeah.
>> trevor: -- on the same night, michelle obama had her speech. >> yes, you know it's bad when you meet up with your mother afterwards and you think she's going to say, great speech, and she says, did you hear michelle obama? (laughter) (applause) >> trevor: what did it feel to be a part of that? you're experiencing the evening and the positive message. what's it like when you're in the eye of everything that's happening? >> i watched the conventions as a kid and i remember epic speeches from mario cuomo and others, and when you're standing backstage, it's a powerful, humbling experience, and you know you're not just speaking to democrats in the arena, you're really speaking to the country. >> trevor: you are one of the main proponents for criminal justice reform. >> trevor: you are supporting, you know, the release of low-level drug-offenders, people who are non-violent. but it was interesting because, now you have come up against the
anecdotal emotional connectio people have which i think tom cotton came out and said lock look at this low-level drug offender who was released from prison and went and killed his ex-girlfriend and children. how do you work with that? how do you engage with someone in a conversation where you go, i don't dismiss what you're saying but this cannot be the only message we use when trying to move forward? how do you think you will move that conversation forward? >> two things. first, you don't fall into the donald trump trap. to be strong, you don't have to be mean. to be tough, you don't have to be cruel. (applause) you look at your opponent on the other side of the aisle and you say i'm going to work with yo or i'm going to build a coalition so strong we'll get this done. what's going on in america is so contrary to and there of the free. we have 5% of the gross population of the earth and we have more people incarcerated for drugs in america now than just about all the people
incarcerated in 1975. this drug war has been a brutal explosion of our 500% increase in our prison population and the people we're incarcerating, college and stanford people were breaking dug laws all the time, whites and blacks break drug laws equally but blacks are 3.7 more times to be arrested for it but people in the jail are poor folks, mentally ill folks, truck addicted folks and disproportionately brown folks. so when you have people being arrested today for doing things that the last two presidents admitted to doing, and i'm very serious, you read president obama's books, not just marijuana, these were felony crimes he admitted to. george bush, a who will lot of felony crimes going on there. (laughter) when i was growing up my family had to fight a court case to be the first black family in a nonintegrated town. i watched my friends, no one was
raiding their homes for drugs. it's a different experience if you're poor and often minority. nat belies the truth of when i look at the supreme court building, written on the side of the wall is one thing staring at all americans passing by, "equal justice under law "-- (applause) -- and until we reach that ideal we must fight. the most perverted type of privilege is when there's a serious problem but doesn't affect you personally, it's not a serious problem. this is a serious problem that should motivate all men's to want to change it. >> trevor: thank you so much for being here. senator cory booker, we'll be right back. hey there. hi, i'm looking for a deal on an iphone... ...i was thinking, something along these lines. oh, okay. well, how about this? here's my answer.
is this you with a dinosaur body? it's just me with happy hands... it just means i'll take it. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. wow, how ama♪ing is this? you can do it serena, come on! great job! stronger! higher! faster! ♪ all day, all day! ♪ uhh! ♪ woooo! go girl! boom! [crowd cheering] ♪ i'll pick you up in two hours. keep 'em high. thanks, bro. later, mom. thank you. have fun. thanks, dad. thanks, mr. smith.
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>> trevor: thanks for tuning in. that's our show. it's unfortunately the end of our week here in philly. before we go, i want to thank everyone here at the annenberg center for helping us put this show on. (cheers and applause) more especially the people of philadelphia, thank you so much for welcoming us and stuffing us full of your heart attack inducing delicacies. we've enjoyed all of it. i think somebody is going to have to roll me out of your city by the end of it all. now here it is... your moment of zen. ♪ sweet caroline