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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  August 5, 2016 2:35am-3:06am PDT

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[ hip♪ olympics 2016, let ] me get you on my level. ♪ ♪ so you never miss a moment, ♪ ♪ miss a minute, miss a medal. ♪ why settle when you can have it all? ♪ ♪ soccer to wrestling. track and field to basketball. ♪ ♪ fencing to cycling. diving to balance beam. ♪ ♪ all you have to say is, ♪ "show me," and boom it's on the screen. ♪ ♪ from the bottom of the mat, ♪ ♪ to the couch where you at? ♪ ♪ "show me the latest medal count?" ♪ ♪ xfinity's where it's at. ♪ welcome to it all. comcast nbcuniversal is proud to bring you coverage
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of the rio olympic games. [cheers and applause] >> larry: alright. thanks to my panelists, ricky velez, francesca ramsey, nina turner, and special thanks to qg and nipsey hustle. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on! it's no great revelation that we're living in divided times. hillary supporters vs. trump supporters. bernie supporters vs. hillary supporters. batman freddy and alien vs. superman jason and predator! can our country sustain this level of conflict without
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bursting into flames? well, before we dig into the triceratops dung pile that is the election like so many laura derns, i want to apply a soothing balm in the form of an amazing viral video that i think can bring our fractured nation together. i give you australian cell phone footage of a lamborghini towing a trailer filled with baby goats set to the music of limp bizkit! [♪] [cheers and applause] i'm not in the demographic but if it doesn't get me pumped for those goats. i'm just saying they probably
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do. just saying they probably do. >> chris: kathryn? >> somewhere where they can [bleep] in peace. nice and quiet. >> the guy driving is like i'm getting so much goat [bleep] i'll be [bleep]ing kids. did you ever get tired of that goat [bleep].
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na. >> chris: matt? >> they're on theirfá way to th outback steakhouse. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's time for @midnight! >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: host of "geeking out," sundays on amc, and writer and director of "yoga hosers," in theaters september 2 with a fathom events sneak peek august 30, it's kevin smith. back on the bram. >> chris: from "bad moms," in theaters this thursday, it's kathryn hahn. [cheers and applause] >> chris: producer of "fameless," season 2 premieres august 1st on trutv, it's matt mira.
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>> chris: now it's time to vote or literally die-- it's "panderdome: d.n.c. edition"! all week, we're keeping tabs on the bernie bros, the i'm with hers, the biden babes, the obamaramas and the yas kweens to bring you and your abuela the most caliente moments of the democratic national convention. first up, breaking the glass. you've fought all year, beat out scandal after scandal, got your husband to keep his dick in his pants and finally reached the big night where you're officially nominated as the democratic presidential candidate. what better way to celebrate than with a kick ass video?
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[laughter] >> chris: yeah! that's what i'm talking about, rise to the top and destroy all your haters! as with most videos ever released on the internet, this got a remix. >> chris: comedians, what was this video mashed-up with, stone cold steve austin's theme song or the imperial march from "star wars"? >> hillary 3:16 says, "i don't understand e-mail." >> chris: yeah. [laughter] >> hillary 3:16 says, "i don't understand e-mail." >> how soften she cracked the ceiling but cracked a smile.
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>> chris: and this revelation. >> she did believe i had gone over the top when i took a couple days off with chelsea to watch all police academy movies back-to-back. >> don't worry, i sent her to bed before i turned on skinemax. >> chris: people seemed genuinely surprised that a sax player who smoked pot and ate at mcdonald's would enjoy a movie series like this.
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pringles. it's his word for [bleep]. >> i just love to eat that can. >> police academy next stop is james silent bob movies. and that was just a reminder, james and silent bob still available on video. it's time for hash tag wars. in this election season it's common to see people online
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publicly shame one another for their political views but as a wise woman once said july 24 at 11:23 on twitter we have to be better. live and let live. well done, mom. hello to all moms and the hash tag is motherhood movies. >> examples is they grow up too fast, too furious and i'm not mad max just disappointed max.
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>> bat mom beat super mom dawn of martha. >> star wars the force needs to you wake up now. >> throw another from the train. >> close encounters of the third marriage. >> serial mothfbé >> the secret life in southwest. >> kathryn. >> the hand that rocks the cradle with post partum depression. >> not so much a movie but based on the hbo show called ballers. >> chris: kathryn? >> schindler's to do list. >> chris: tag us at hash tag at midnight to keep going. we love you, mom.
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i work as a professional mountain guide and the surface pro 4 allows me to actually operate my business from everest. i help clients achieve their dreams. being able to go between having a laptop and having a tablet is really important to me... i couldn't do that with my mac. i love that we as humans can go to the top of the world. it's the durability...the's incredible. hey, can we get some beers? beer! ice cold beer! what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer.
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it's time to play "shamilton." ( cheers and applause ) in 2016, there's nothing more universally praised than lin manuel-miranda's "hamilton," the pulitzer prize-winning hip-hop musical about the man on the $10 bill. it's unleashed a horde of musical theatre wannabe high school teachers and students who use it as an excuse to create
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some edutainment. comedians, i'll show you a clip from an amateur history song. for 250 points, you answer a follow up question. first up, f.d.r. rescued america from the great depression and helped us win world war ii. and for that, he gets this whitewashed "uptown funk" parody. ♪ ♪ gonna give it to you fdr gonna give it to you ♪ ( laughter ). >> feels so dirty. >> chris: what's one of the nicknames mr. bets' students have for him? >> ( bleep ) face. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: points. >> probably the worst thing i could call a man that age-- thin kevin smith. >> chris: points. next, next, huh.
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next, how about this katy perry inspired tribute to columbus, "explore?" ♪ i got my eye on sancta maria >> horrible. ( applause ) >> chris: i mean. now, of course, a modern interpretation of history has shown columbus to be a genocidal psychopath. comedians, what's another song parody about a historical monster? >> hussein and the membrane. >> chris: points. >> locco. >> wonder wall by donald trump. >> chris: points. ( applause )
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>> chris: next up, how about this stretch of a "my sharona" parody about the ancient kingdom of macedonia? ♪ ♪ macedonia >> chris: comedians, what's an even more strained spoof of "my sharona?" >> more strain, chris. i think that would be my insuranca spoof about major league umpire don i. sonia. >> chris: i'll give you-- you know what, ( bleep ) you. no points. ( cheers and applause ) kathryn. >> how about a song about a dead baby called faulty stroller? >> oh, that's better, chris. that is better. >> chris: that's way better! >> yeah, that's better.
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>> chris: i want to say something. >> yes i get nothing -- >> kathryn's dead baby is way better than yours. >> perhaps a song parody about my deepest shame. >> my full it's time for our live challenge, "a.i. smithee." "impossible things" is the world's first horror movie co- written by an a.i., and, boy, is it co-scary! jack, let's co-take a co-look at that co-clip! ♪
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>> chris: wow, that looks like it was written by a computer with a guy at a starbucks! ( laughter ) producer jack zhang-- no relation-- said his a.i. not only generated the premise and key plot points for the film, it also told him that the trailer needed a piano scene and a bathtub scene to "increase the likelihood that our target audience would like it." that sounds exactly like a hollywood studio executive. then again, that's about as artificial as intelligence gets. it's only a matter of time before an a.i. cracks the screenwriting code and starts selling scripts. so, comedians, i want you to pitch a movie written by artificial intelligence. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! ( cheers and applause ) if i hired you, what is your plan?
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i see a few things changing. less mergers and acquisitions, more charitable donations. retiring on top. linda?! letting boredom get the best of me. and then, returning triumphantly. smells like we're done here. [old spice anthem] fthen they're sweet.. sour patch kids. sour. sweet. gone. it's gum! canredd's apple ale!ome beers? ♪ [ "stay" by lisa loeb ] redd's apple ale. also for a limited time in blueberry. [ song continues ]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you an innovative horror trailer co- written by artificial intelligence and asked you to pitch a movie written by a.i. let's see what you came up with. kevin smith. >> this was written by my a.i., using my browser search. so terrible essentially a batman-loving conductoled porn watching donald trump tries to find out what happened to the girl who played newt in aliens while looking for cures for both baldness and fatness and trying to spell "aluminum" correctly. >> chris: all right. i would watch that! i would watch that! gripping. very gripping. >> it must be the same program as kevin, because this also is a script generated from my browsing history. it's a two-hander featuring kevin hart and the rock where they ( bleep ) on top of an explosion outside a major
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league... house. ( applause ) >> katherine. >> mine would be a gripping tale of a computer that is forced to sit idly by while its human owner repeatedly masturbates in front of it. ( applause ) >> chris: i think i will give 1,000 points to katherine, >> chris: it's time for "first man duties." while hillary is busy showering innocent people with broken glass from her careless shattering of the glass ceiling, her husband, bill clinton-- no relation-- is busy shattering something on his own. he will be the first non-lady first lady in american history! take that, melania trump! the duties of a first lady are usually ceremonial, like youth outreach or daring to keep kids off drugs. but bill doesn't seem like the
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kind of guy who would be happy playing second banana after eight years of top banana status. also wash out that banana. comedians, i want you to give me as many first man duties as you can. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. kevin. >> hang out at everyone else's oval office. >> chris: points. >> hey, chris, obviously one of his duties is making sure the saxophone is polished. >> chris: matt. >> i do enjoy how you pick a team. points. >> katherine. >> helping tim kaine develop a personality. >> chris: points. >> call putin at 3:00 in the morning and hang up. >> as first dude, obviously, he's going to have to play saxophone and major league umpires.
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sonia's birthday batch every year. >> make sure all the toilet seats are down. >> chris: points. >> every team would blame all of hillary's farts, on the secret service. kevin smith, you're in third place, i'm so sorry. matt was a demon on the buzzer. >> demon. >> chris: i know, i know. come up here for a second. no one leaves empty-handed. we have a buddy for you. i think you guys should stand here together and be one in the red light. red light! yay! ( cheers and applause ) al >> chris: that means it's time to lose your shirt. it's "for the win"! ( cheers and applause ) whether you love her, hate her, or begrudgingly support her because the alternative is the
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literal apocalypse, you have to acknowledge the historical nature of hillary clinton becoming the first female presidential nominee. and as a sign of just how far we've come, twitter user nick kapur noted a 1995 article in which a t-shirt reading "someday a woman will be president" was pulled from wal-mart shelves because it offended shoppers and "goes against wal-mart family values." wal-mart shoppers, of course, keep in mind this was back in 1995. the 1900s guys. when t.l.c.'s "waterfalls" topped the charts, the sexiest man in america was richard gere, and every vine star was just some really annoying ( bleep ). it was a different time. a young sloppy haired harchris hart wick was helping jenny
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mccarthy become famous. answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. e for"
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i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this: i will read your answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. >> no one seemed annoyed by that before. jesus christ! just get it over with. i'll read the answers out loud. before the break i told you about the t-shirt reading some day a woman will be president that was pulled from walmart shelves back in 1995 because customers found it offensive. id asked you to come up with another shirt that would offend walmart shoppers. let's see what you wrote.
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eatin' is cheatin. that is the ( bleep ). >> totally. >> chris: or, or bush did 9/11 and all i got was this lousy shirt. number two! who's number two! katherine! nice job. well done. thank you. we'll see you tomorrow. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be mike birbiglia, gillian jacobs and tami sagher. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #motherhoodmovies and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. good night! it's "selection sunday" on cbs! ( cheers, applause) well, it's march, and that means it's time for march madness.


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