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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 6, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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in us and his love is made complete in us. and that's so true. thanks very much. this has been such comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org @at the it is 11:59 and 59 seconds, but just got a lot happened during this time. i got married. [ cheers and applause ], it is a big deal. it is a big deal. yeah. all right. stop it. we went on our honeymoon which was fun. went to japan. japan was great. donald trump's doctor was revealed to be a mickey rourke wax figure that the lives in a houseboat somewhere. >> mongolian wrestling coach got married, florida is still florida. taco trucks on every corner. this is great news! this is the best news!
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also, rudy giuliani made mexico great again also. but -- [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: the other thing that happened is @midnight is on at 11:30 now? what a head scratcher. why would though that? we don't know how long we will be here. this could be very temporary. comedy central has been very up front. either way thanks for watching. we are looking forward to bring you the monsters in pokemon go also running for president. the only difference you will notice at 11:30 is that we can no longer say at 11:30 that we can say at @midnight. like (bleep). like (bleep). so diarrhea (bleep) -- fuel ride. otherwise, same old @midnight, same show. same show. and it would be crazy for me not to take this chance to say we have very big shoes to fill. we will do our best to fill
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them. i want a huge shout out to dollar who is a very unique and very necessary voice, especially during this election. thank you, larry so much, we have all the respect in the world for you. it is time to start @midnight at 11:30. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to @midnight. i am chris hardwick. tonight a tag team tuesday this means three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag teams partners will both be winners. tonight's comedians are performing at spokane comedy club, kyle kinane! [ cheers and applause ] >> and performing at the blue whale comedy festival in tulsa,
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okay marks september 10th, the it's ron funches! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: also performing at magooby's joke house in baltimore, maryland september 22nd to the 24th, the wonderful tiffany haddish is back! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: all right. let's see who you all are playing for. kyle, you are playing for -- tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. @professor bee, @cathycapozzoli, @bradley boyer34, ripped from today's headlines, items -- it's "rapid refresh". does he follow me? >> bradley, does he follow me, because if he don't (bleep). >> chris: i am sure he is tuning in now. in is a list of things that
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explain why our browsers are on inany toe mode. first up, hacking hillary. let's face it, we are not getting any younger, has maintained a steady lead at the polls with the strategy of not talking to the press and waiting to for trump to just finally say the n word. but, i said, it, it i said it, okay. but the far right has been attacking her over so-called health concerns and this coughing fit at a campaign stop in cleveland is only going to fan those conspiracy theory flames. >> look at this. >> every time i think about trump i get allergic. >> oh, did anyone expect her to say it is me, bernie sandersers, it is me! >> if you are a comedian, you are a comedian, what is your answer too explain her hillary
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quip. >> oh i am sorry, i was sucking on that -- unlike bill, did inhale. >> chris: all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> i said hillarys, not -- tiffany. >> well, if you listened really closely you can hear what she is really saying. she is like, coughing, i am all you got. [coughing. >> chris: points. kyle kinane. >> she is trying to say (bleep) off, bernie would have had three strokes and driven through a farmers market by now. points next up, what is the in your luggage, human slumber party ben carson was interviewed in detroit last week. >> ben, ben, wake up. after tiny hands named donald trump visited his childhood home. cnn looked for a scoop but mr. beantown carson had other
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things in mind. >> we just saw mr. trump, and i asked how it went, he said great, he learned a lot of things. what do you think he took away from today. >> my luggage. >> okay. >> >> chris: oh. that is the most animated i have ever seen ben carson ever. comedians, what is in ben carson's lug badge. >> ron funches. >> an old black dude like that, his luggage is full of peanut brittle. >> chris: he just needs to be with it. points. kyle kinane. >> i would say cassette and prescription of mac roany sam lad. >> chris: i think you would say 100 percent that is what it is. points for kyle kinane. >> >> you can't get it out. >> that's the end of "rapid refresh" now time for tonight's
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"hashtag wars". >> back too school time and you know what means, savings your best friend to sit at the fresh table. saving a freshman from the bullies and saving your virginity for the prom, with high school in five words, it might be hiding the fact i am spider-man and selling drugs with chemistry teacher, i will put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> masturbated very, very, very much. >> kyle. >> can't get pregnant from fingering. >> chris: ron funches. >> dry humping to mambo number 5. >> chris: points. tiffany. >> no tip, still no tips. >> chris: points. ron funches. >> please don't touch my hair. i went to a white school. >> chris: points.
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>> me too! me to too! >> chris: kyle. >> failed math on tv now! >> chris: points! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris:? >> -- smelly weirdo. (bleep). >> chris: tiffany. >> mascot got that ass. >> chris: all right. points. ron funches. >> love feed kill reset, familiar ga economy. >> ta a magachi. >> tiffany haddish. >> you should have bleeped me. >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of the "hashtag wars". high school in, tag us at #highschoolin5words to keep the going da going. we will be right back to @midnight. to the winner of yesterday's to the winner of yesterday's "hashtag wars" was sent to us by
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it is time to play wrestling with emotions. >> wrestling with emotions. nothing seems to inflame real passions quite like the fake sport of professional wrestling the internet is packed with raw clips of crazed wrestling fans which serve as perfect reaction gives for everything from whatever crazy (bleep) trump said to whatever crazy (bleep) trump's supporters said. comedians, i will show you a gif of an emotional wrestling fan and for 250 points you tell me what they are reacting to. what is he reacting to. >> that fart wasn't a fart. >> chris: points. ron. >> oh, i know that look. that's a guy from seeing the first sights and smells of the miracle childbirth. >> chris: points.
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kyle. i think he just realized that awesome blossom in a blooming onion are the same thing. >> chris: all right. points. i think we all know what we want when we made that connection. points to kyle. what about this enraged youth? what is fire starter reacting to? ron funches. >> oh, she just got her first period. union. >> it is so, it is how nonchalantly you said it. >> that's not how you look when you get your first period. >> chris: kyle. >> she got her second period. she knows what's coming. >> yeah. >> now that is how you look on your second period.
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>> it is terrified. >> what, this again? >> >> chris: how about this camping, handsome fellow? >> why is this guy cutting a rug? ron. >> he just got a text from his bank saying his account was above $25. >> chris: points. >> kyle. >> he just won free insulin for being on a diabetes cam on the jumbotron. >> what the (bleep)! >> chris: that's the end of -- with emotions. now it is time for gte! >> the years ago tracked down on universities you might know them best from commercials that aired during daytime tv promising you a tv in thrilling growth advisory like high school, tv and jcr repair, horse therapist,
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instagram (bleep) boy. port-a-potty, pubic hair the collector and -- i was justing i was looking for my next tv job when all of this goes away. >> latest in the institutions to shut their disorders itt tech because the government thinks if you are going to get a useless degree you should do it at a traditional university where you can at least walk away with a scar faced poster and knowledge on how to make a bong out of an apple. this leads, leaves a void in universities that run commercials you saw when you were home with the chicken pox in elementary school. i want we will get your answers after the break and be right after the break and be right back with more @midnight.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you that famous for profit university itt tech is closing its doors and asking you to create a commercial for an even less reputable university. let's see what you came up with. ron funches we will start with you. >> going to college is just like throwing your money away. i didn't go to college and i am rich as (bleep). why don't you adjust give money to me at the ron funches comedy college. i will teach you how to be funny, things like setup. >> you won't believe what happened to me today. punch lines. >> it was he dollars you! where were you from? oh, i have never been there. i don't know anything about that and buying drugs. >> thank you! >> at the ron funches comedy college, we put the fun in
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college! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: tiffany haddish. >> hi, i am tiffany from waterston booty college. where you want a room and a desk from 1987, my auntie had a government job, go to water son and learn to type 30 words per hour and -- water on the, yeah, let the water flow and make your boots go, go, go. do it, baby! yeah! >> >> chris: i feel like a lot of signups for these colleges are already happening now. finally, kyle kinane. >> hey, is your pet sick and want to the avoid costly
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veterinarian bills, then come down to the internet and get a degree from do-it-yourself animal surgery, disclaim kyle's online animal surgery only keeps you to cut open regular gets like dogs and cats, not fish and other weird pets. ponies, hamsters, you can get new hampshiresters, guys, monkeys, are kind of like people and that is a slippery slope. remember i am not a doctor, but neither are you! >> chris: thank you. 1,000 points for kyle, 500 to tiffany and 250 to ron, that makes it pretty even. you may be a speed demon if. >> you might be a speed game if. >> happy womb release day to jeff foxworthy, a comedy legend who made mor more than $100 miln
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teaching you what color your neck is and you are dumber than an elementary school student. foxworthy is the original you might be a redneck if guy i want to personally thank jeff for helping they realize that at this might be a redneck after i went fishing with dynamite at red lobster and lost custody of my kids. comedians since imface is the sincere test form of flattery. tell me at many as you can, tiffany. >> if you thought that 12 years of stlaifers because feel good movie. >> 12 years a slave was a feel good movie. >> chris: kyle. >> ford versus chevy debate ever ended up in a miscarriage. >> chris: points. kyle. >> you have named your daughter
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beth-amphetamines. >> chris: points. ron funches. >> if a side of, if the sight of me makes you uncomfortable, you might be a redneck. >> okay. points. ron funches again. >> if you want to talk to me at your daughter's wedding and i am marrying your daughter, you might be a redneck. >> chris: kyle. >> you never had sex in the back seat of somebody's house. ron. >> ew, your ancestors -- my ancestors. >> you just might. >> chris: points to tiffany. >> if you got -- audio seats,
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you are probably a redneck. >> chris: kyle. >> if you said roll tied instead of i do for your vows. >> he is really good at this. >> chris: points. well, that is the end of you might be a speed demon if. >> i can't believe, ron funches you are in third place. this has never happened before. just never, never before. >> i agree with you guys. >> chris: i love all of you so much. should i not eliminate someone? [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: all right. >> if you want to eliminate the black man you might be a redneck. >> oh, you are right! that means it is time to burn the midnight petroleum oil, it
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is for the win! >> chris: that smell drifting back to the west coast was the final day of burning man. the annual desert festival of he donnism where our nation's most annoying white sox go to put whatever and whoever into their bodies as long as it's gluten free. and for some reason everyone's dress like immortal joe's trust fund kids. gorilla alert, camp light sweeper's beloved gorilla has gone missing and we fear for his safety. please report any sightings or information leading to his return to camp light sweeper. there is a handsome reward for his return. we will name a winner when we come back to @mi
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♪ ♪
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give extra. get extra. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. at 11:30. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, and now comes down to this. i read the answers out loud you the audience gets to decide the winner. you are also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break i showed you a reddit post from burning man about someone looking for their lost deport label, what did you come up with. first up, for sale, 54 rill la, only bleeped 17 times.
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contact us. >> first up, for sale, gorilla, only bleeped 17 times. >> number 2. missed connection with the man in the sky to dmt, we talked like ten communicate minutes and it wore off, please send more dmt. i miss you! >> or number 3. lost, yeah, i am cool wit. wait, no. yeah. i am cool with it. i am cool with it. >> number 1, who was number 1? >> ron funches came from behind! oh, my gosh! amazing, amazing. he has turned a loss into a victory. ron funches, you and cathy have won the internet tomorrow night
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our guests will be james davis, mary lynn rajskub, adam goldberg, until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #highschoolin5words and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i am @midnight hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be knives to each other, gosh darn it. good night!tosh.0" features vidm the internet and is intended for a mature audience. comedy central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them. enjoy. [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> "national lampoon's human centipede": coming this summer. welcome to "tosh.0." it may look like i'm wearing the back of a playing card

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