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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  September 7, 2016 1:40am-2:11am PDT

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! finally found a picture, and of course it's a broken image link. i am so fake frustrated with this bit. and i just added a new date-- uh, greeley, colorado. for my fans who don't want to whitewater raft their way to denver. finally, i'm sure i don't have to tell you this, but friday is arbor day. - whoo. - yeah! [laughter] that means you still have a couple more days left to chop down the biggest hickory you can find and put it up in your living room. that is a very ironic tradition started by the pilgrims. all right, i'm not here to shove my environmentalist views down your throat, but i'm pretty sure these rational tree huggers will. - deep in the woods of north carolina, an extremist eco group called earth first! bewails the violation of american nature.
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- sure, it's easy to cry about majestic trees, but some of us happen to care about every living thing on god's beautiful green earth. i want to mourn the loss of all the old-growth grass i've seen and tell them that i love them and i don't want them to die, that there are some people here that do care! [lawn mower approaching] so i want you to know that, clippings! that i care! jorge, make sure you square off my hedges! - si, mr. daniel. - all right. may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. good night. [applause]
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: thank you so much, everyone. welcome to the "daily show." i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight comedian and roastmaster general, comedian jeff ross is joining us. first, it's really great to be back. we've been away for a while now, two weeks, and it feels like it's been forever. i just got back from australia, where everything is backwards to america. their water flushes the other way. people drive on the other side of the road, and in their american election, jeb bush is winning. ( laughter ) it's a totally different world. but let's get into the news, let's get into it. president obama wasn't able to enjoy the labor day weekend because he had to fly to china for his final "g-"2020 summit.
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they brush up on economics, learn each other's names, and it always ends up the same way, with germany giving france a wedgy. the french guy is having a good time-- "ha, the joke is on you, i don't wear underwear." and the german guy is like, "the double joke is on you. i wasn't reaching for your underwear." i'm sure big papi was glad hfs his final summit. it was not fun for him. first of all, talks broke down with russia. putin refused to agree to a cease-fire in syria. you can see there's no love lost between these two men. just look at this picture. look at this picture of their meeting. ( laughter ) yeah, that is-- i've never seen obama look like-- like, he's looked at trump and he's had a bit of a smile in his eyes. this is just-- wow. he does not like-- like, he's droang him with his eyes right now. they're like the the hidellswift of the g-20. that's what they are. and putin, you forget how small he is, as well.
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because we're so used to see vladimir putin in propaganda pictures. it's always him looking bad-ass, you know. you notice, they never show him standing next to other people because that would expose his actual size. yeah, you see that horse? that's not a horse. that's a pony. that's what that is. that's what that is. ( cheers and applause ) we just never noticed it. everything about that picture, like next to obama, putin's face also looks a little bit dumpy. it has like-- to be fair, it's not his fault. everyone looks bad standing next to president obama. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, everyone does. this is-- this is him with zac efron. that's, like, i mean-- ( laughter ) and you could tell obama was gog have a tough time in china from the very moment air force one lans. >> the president's trip was marked by an awkward opening moment. >> chinese officials did not provide the traditional staircase, and red carpet reserved for world leaders. instead, president obama had to exit from small stairs at the belly of the plane. >> some observers described it
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as a chinese snub. >> trevor: oh, a chinese snub, which urban dictionary defines as when a man gets his dick stuck inside a chinese funger trap. ( laughter ) i'm told that the trick is to stop pulling, but i'm not doing that. also, people, let's not make it seem like obama lost any of his swag, pawlz the chinese didn't bring him stairs. i hear people say they disreported him. no, all they did was give the u.s. president an opportunity to show that he has a plane with its own stairs. do you know how suppressive that is? stairs what come out-- obama was just just like, "what's that? no stairs in i've got my own? what's that, no chinese people to greet me? i've brought my own, too? this plane has everything." now, normally, when it comes to complicated international policy stories, you need experts, you know, to help break down what happened. but when it's something as stupid as this story, there's only one man for the job. >> they won't even give him
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stakes, proper stairs to get out of the airplane. did you see that some. >> yeah. >> they have pictures of other leaders going there, and they're coming down with a beautiful red carpet. and obama's coming down a metal staircase. >> trevor: which red carpet goes like that? ( laughter ) was trump watching the same thing that we were? which red carpet-- who's coming down stairs like this, like truch has flare that we don't know about-- "i'm coming down the stairs, i'm coming--" what are you talking about. trump is purely about ego, like, no red carpet? he's upset. like this is not how a cartoon rich person would roll. you realize under the red carpet, those stairs are metal, too, donald trump. he makes sound like the carpet is there to protect the president's feet. don't tell me you have tuny hands and weak feet. don't tell me that, don't tell me that. because he mawks it sound-- donald trump makes it sound like
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obama is going to walk out of the plane bair foot going, "ow, my feet. i'm burning up." i don't get trump's point at all. they didn't have the right stairs for the president so president obama said screw it, i'll go down the metal stairs and do my job. the question is, donald trump, how would professionally have handled the situation? >> i have to tell you, if that was me, i'd say,un" what, folks? i respect you a lot. let's close the doors and get out of here." that's disrespect. >> trevor: that's what i like about crump. he says it like it is. clearly it is ( bleep ). because he's saying as president, he would walk away from a major economic summit because of a carpet? you realize obama sealed a climate change deal with china at the g-20. donald trump wouldn't have even left the plane? that's like calling off your own wedding because the flower girl
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threw the petals wrong. "you can't just throw them anywhere. you can't throw them anywhere. i'm not doing it. i'm not doing it. it's done. it's over. it's done." ( cheers and applause ) i must say, though, i must say, there is something appealing, i understand, people who go, like, "i want a president, who when he deals with foreign leaders, doesn't pull any punches." there is something appealing to that. imagine it donald trump actually met the president of mexico. you can imagine? can you imagine what he would have said some for years he was like, they're rapists and drug dealerses and the wall they're going to pay per it. you can imagine what trump the straight talker got spot same room with the mexican president. >> i happen to have a tremendous feeling for mexican americans. they are amazing people, amazing people. >> "is he still watching me? is he watching ?" yeah, trump, i thought so. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (announcer vo) who says your desk phone
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>> trevor: >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." i just wanted to give you an update on the nationwide heart attack that occurred in america this morning after a poll came ow showing donald trump two points ahead of hillary clinton. yes, now everyone is in stable condition, but ( bleep ) the panic still continues. there is one area where trump hasn't been improving at all, and that's been with black voters. only two month ago he got 0% support from african americans in ohio and pennsylvania, zero, 0%. ( applause ) are you apliewgd you are mean? you realize there are more black people excited for the new kevin james sitcom. 0% is where trump is. basically, donald trump's people told him he needed on reach out to the black community and that means he basically has three choices. he either goes to barber shops, tyler perry movies or black
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churches. ies not going to go to a tile perry movie. and he's not going to go to a barber shop because they'll hook him up. his only remaining option is church. >> on saturday, trump visited a black church in detroit drt. >> donald trump situation to the movimusic this weekend at an afn american church this weekend reaching out for support. >> trevor: no, no, no! i'm sorry, i have to call out the media on this one. donald trump was not situation to the music. he was situation, and there happened to be music playing at the same time. ( cheers and applause ) the two happened completely independently of each other. that was not happening with the music. ( laugh ) that was not with the music. now, speech that trump delivered at this church was from the heart. it was from his heart. and-- ( applause ) and you could feel what it was from the heart because donald trump told us. >> well, i just wrote this the other day, knowing i'd be here, and i mean it from the heart.
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and i'd like to just read it, and i think you'll understand it maybe better than i do in certain ways. ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, wait, i'm sorry, wait what? so, wait, you wrote a speech from your heart that you don't understand? ( laughter ) but somehow plaque people will? what? you wrote a rap song? is that what happened? what does that even mean? as someone who claims they wrote the speech, he seems genuinely surprised at the information contained in his speech. >> becoming the nominee of the party of abraham lincoln-- a lot of people tonight realize that abraham lincoln, the great abraham lincoln, was a republican-- has been the greatest honor of my life. >> trevor: why do i feel like had trump says, "a lot of people don't realize," he means, "i coapt realize." ( laughter ) ( applause ) abraham lincoln, he freed-- a lot of people don't realize-- a lot of people don't realize. and he tried to play it like the
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audience didn't know. trump, he got a warm reception from this congregation. they even gave him a prayer cloth. yeah, you can see. you can see he's confused. "you guys put it on the shoulders? my other friends put the white sheet over their head. but, i mean, to each their own, folks. we all on it differently, folks. ditch ways." ( applause ) one reason trump gave the speech in detroit is that it's where his number one black fan is-- or his number one black hype man sben carson. yes. and carson's response to the speech was truly prices. >> i think maybe there are things that we can learn as a society because in order for our country to be great again, every aspect has to be great, including our inner cities. >> and we just saw mr. trump here, i asked him, "how did it go?"
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he said, great and he said he learned a lot of things. what do you think he took away from today? >> oh, my luggage. hold on. >> okay. looks like dr. carson is going to try to find his luggage. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: i love ben carson so much! i love him so much! and i also trust him less and less as a surgeon every day. i know he's good! i know he's good! but i'm sorry, guys "my luggage?" in the middle of a live interview? "my luggage?" is that the number one thing on his meend? and the way he-- some something that happens in ben carson's life? you know? just like him at the hospital, mshapiro, there's no easy way to say this, but the upper-- my luggage!" who is this man? for more on trump's detroit
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speech we turn now to our senior campaign correspondent roy wood, jr., everybody, roy wood, jr. ( cheers and applause ) this is an interesting time, roy. what do you think about trump's visit to the black church? >> trevor, i feel bad for every member of that congregation. think about it. you go to church every sunday praying to god to keep trump out of your life only to show up one morning and see him in the pulpit. trump is turning good church folk into atheists. i can tell you, people were not happy about this. >> trevor: but roy, but roy, there were people at the church. >> stop acting like trump packed out the cathedral. he was at a normal-sized church and it was half empty. do you know how hard it is to not fill a black church? ( laughter ) ( applause ) black people stop at church on their way to church. it's important to us. church is important. that's why the the service is so long. i went to church sunday morning.
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i just got out. we have a lot to pray for and, man, it takes time. white church is an hour because all they gotta do is give thanks. mostly, thank god ooum not black. >> trevor: that's hymn 52, i think. beautiful song, beautiful song. >> look, man, black people have a long list of grievances. i go to church with a briefcase. you think flint, michigan is going to be saved with a couple of hail maries? no, no, no, no. we need on put on a show. we're not just there for the new police cruiser. half our time in church is checking in on the old prayers we're still waiting on. i got a prayer from '97 i'm waiting to still come through. man, i'm this close to getting tickets to see cisco. ( applause ) >> trevor: roy, okay, let's be honest, though. you should at least give credit to trump for trying to appeal to
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black voters. >> um, mow. that's why why he's there. trump is just trying to convince white voters what he's not racist so they feel better for voting for him. ( cheers and applause ) that's all he's doing. now these white people get to go to the polls, "how can a man hate black people, he went to a black church." check. trump's trying to win that "white people with black friends" folks so they don't feel guilty around the water cooler at work. "hey, jamarcus, did you hear that new drake album?" guess who voted for trump! >> trevor: i hear you, roy. donald trump can't be president. >> exactly, trevor. we have to do everything we can to stop him. >> trevor: so i assume you'll be out there every day until the election knocking on doors in ohio, getting out the vote, making the calls. >> my luggage!
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( laughter ). >> trevor: thank you, roy. well, you know, i think there donald trump, and this whole scenario we learned something very important-- my luggage! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ take on any road with intuitive all-wheel drive. the nissan rogue, murano and pathfinder. now get 0% apr for 72 months, plus $500 bonus cash. a light beer... brewed to have more taste... than any other light beer. hats off to that. miller lite. spelled different because it's brewed different.
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range of strongbow hard cider.r to show off the award-winning oh i know about that award just like i know about your trophies. what trophies? the ones your mother wants you to get rid of because they are taking up too much space in the basement. gasp! you crossed the line, stewart! strongbow ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a comedian whose new special is called "jeff ross roasts cops." >> let's go hassle some plaque people. >> we're going to do that right now in about five minute. >> when you're out together, does the the white cop-black cop dynamic come into play on how you deal with certain things? in these racially charged times? >> the black people don't talk to me. they'd rather talk to him. >> they know, well, if we go to certain areas, he'll have at separate times it's a racially charged point and they look at him and say, "why are you on his
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side?" >> i'm on anybody's side. i'm on the side of the law. >> trevor: please welcome jeff ross, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi, trev. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: you're looking very smart. this is not how people know you hodress. yesterday were on the roast, which was amazing, by the way, killed it. but you do not cress-- this is-- this is dapper. >> i'm feeling very, you know, like i'm on the "daily show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: you look like it. ( applause ) thank you for being here. let's get straight into it. i remember talking to you about this project long before you started it. >> yeah. >> trevor: you're known for roasting celebrities, but then you started off with a special way. you went into prison. >> right. >> trevor: you started roasting inmate. >> yes. >> trevor: yeah, which is insane. but what was most interesting to me was-- and that's where i guess the idea really grew from-- you didn't just go into a
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space on roast them. you wanted to humanize them. why? >> because you worry about people. i care about all types of people. and criminals in jail was a logical-- was fun tow make fun of people in an orange jump suit, and it wasn't until i started writing that act they realized there were people underneath those jump suits, and i the thought the same thing about cops. you know, we hear so much about cops, everyone is talking about cops. very few people are talking to cops. so i put it out there to about 30 police departments, major cities, asking if i could come and bed with their departments and they said no. >> trevor: it sound like you said, "come in bed." jeff ross said he'd like to come in bed with your department and they said no." >> give police a whole knew meaning. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: so you embark on it
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this journey. you go, "i'm going to roaflt the police in a country where-- i mean, the rhetoric is so divisive, the conversations are so heated. in fact, even after the boston p.d. agreed to let you come along, you were at a black lives matter rally. >> right. >> trevor: and then the police didn't want to talk to you anymore. it was a-- it was a situation you had to deal with. >> to research my roast of the boston police, i went to a black lives matter-- like most white dudes in america had no idea how bad things were between cops and the community. so i went to a rally right here in new york city, and, obviously, when i got to boston, the police union looked me up and seen that i was at this rally, and immediately profiled me as a cop hater. so now the black lives rally, you'll see in my show, they hold up signs which say, "which side are you on?" very divisive. and the cops also said, "we don't trust you until we know you." so mow one is talking to each
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other on either side. >> trevor: how did you get cops it trust you? >> i bought them pizza. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the way to a cop's heart is through his stomach. i bombed. i went to the roll call, i did jokes like, this is tricky. i never roasted an entire room full of youtube celebrities before. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> trevor: wow! >> and the cops kind of wouldn't laugh. they shut me down. >> trevor: why? >> i didn't leave. i stuck with. >> trevor: when you talk about the conversation, you talked to actual police. >> yeah. >> trevor: and you see it on the special, it's really great to watch pup talk to them as people. you ask them some of the more difficult questions, the questions you say people aren't asking. so you find police saying to you that they're afraid. but were you able to communicate to them the way the police were perceived in many places? >> they're aware of it because everywhere they go, they're getting heckled, and pops are
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being disrespected. a lot of people think that's warranted because there's a lot of bad cops out there. but i also think it's wrong to hate all cops for what some cops have done wrong. that's also prejudiced. it's like hating all transgender people because bruce jenner beat you in the decathlon in 1976. it's not fair. haugh laugh. >> trevor: that's interesting. it really is a beautiful special, and i love what you said about roasts, you are roasting, but it's like a roast of positivity. you're trying to move it into a space where it's not-- it's not negative, but are you bringing issues to the fore. are you creating a space where people laugh and talk about real issues. i think you're doing a great job and you look well doing it. >> thanks, trevor ( applause ). >> trevor: "jeff ross roasts cops," airs saturday september 10 at 11 p.m. on comedy central. jeff ross, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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♪ my brother and i have always been rivals. we would dream about racing each other, in monaco. ♪ we were born brothers. competition made us friends. wish bold in the 2017 camry. toyota. let's go places.
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tonight. thanks for tuning in. coming up next in its new time slot which makes no sense, "@midnight" with chris hardwick. here is your moment of zen. >> no one has ever seen god, but if we love one another, god is in us and his love is made complete in us. and that's so true. thanks very much. this has been such comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh


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