tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central September 8, 2016 2:07am-2:36am PDT
zen. >> chris: it's 11:29 and 59 seconds. this happened on nytimes.com! for those of you who've never seen stand-up comedy or talked to a person from new york or l.a., i'm about to blow your mind: l.a. and new york are kind of different. i know. i know. stuff the [beep] back in your pants. also airline food is bad. women will occasionally "be shoppin.'" they're both great towns. as a long time california resident i know new yorkers can
be condescending with us. with the beautiful art scenes and amazing pizzas. trash-and-urine soaked streets outside beautiful studio apartments that they get to share with 11 other people who pay $2,000 a month. i guess i'll just have to settle for dumb old l.a. with our omnipotent, perfect mexican food, trips to the beach in october, and dank legal weed. where you at, l.a.! [cheers and applause] i don't take substances to have a good time. i have a good time naturally. the "new york times" has offered an olive branch to the left coast in the form of an online newsletter for californians, with stories and links that impact our state. comedians, what is a california based headline you'd expect to see from the ever-superior, east coast elitist "new york times"? adam go! >> a struggling actor kills himself during pilot season. a struggle to cast the hot new
corpse. >> motor boating accident. [laughing] >> chris: james davis. >> not mine. this is a healthy a-cup here. >> sorry. >> so heavy. >> ahhhh! [cheers and applause] >> chris: james davis g. >> is your roommate standing in the basement of a chinese restaurant. the new hamilton. >> chris: yes, perfect. it's time to start "@midnight"! [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: from "rebirth," streaming now on netflix, it's adam goldberg. [cheers and applause] >> chris: check out
marylynnstandup.com for her tour dates, it's mary lynn rajskub. [cheers and applause] >> chris: star of his own series coming to comedy central in january, it's james davis. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." fancy graphic. roses are red, we love our memes, here's a list of things that will make you actually scream. first up, apple crisis of keynote. earlier today, apple fans were blinded by a terrible announcement. iphone 7 won't have traditional headphone jacks! what the [beep]. what the [beep]. what the [beep]! >> ya. [cheers and applause] [beep] >> chris: it's one of the old ones. >> okay. chris: alright.
this confirmed everyone's worst fears that the new iphone would eliminate that tight sweet headphone hole and replace it with new wireless "air pods" you won't lose in the cushions of your couch. they are including a dongle that can adapt to the old headphones, but who wants to ruin their slim new phone with a big fat dongle that flaps around in the wind? not me, i already got one of those! this new development comes in spite of a petition of 300,000 irate iphone users signed to stop apple from killing the headphone jack. here's a thought: you could just not buy the new iphone? you don't have to. >> not a option, chris. chris: right. on the other hand you totally have to buy it. i will. what is another petition fans may sign against apple. >> i'm not a trump fan but i do
think we need to make cellphones great again. >> thank you, thank you. >> petition anyone can a cracked screen from holding a baby. you had one job. one job. >> >> my son almost drowned. i stuck him in rice after. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's check in with dr. ben carson. [laughing] >> chris: and he still can't find his luggage. we will check in tomorrow to see if he finds it. next take it away, phoebe. it's audio quiz. it's time for another fun audio quiz, which means it's also time for another fun disclaimer that this isn't a murder happening. comedians, what is happening here: a, someone performing an exorcism on "227" star jacke; b, someone peeling off a facemask fused to their skin; c, butt stuff?
let's take a listen. >> what the [beep] >> ahhh [beep] oh my god. >> ahhhh! >> ahhhhh! chris: what was that sound adam goldberg. >> i wish it was jack a. i will go with butt stuff. >> chris: butt stuff. let's find out the correct answer. >> what the [beep] [laughing] >> ahhhh! >> by the way her skin looks
amazing. >> chris: amazing. >> it's worth it chris: next up "hiddlesplits." here's some important celebrity news: "taylor swift and tom hiddleston, how real was it?" not real enough! moving on! [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for the #hashtagwars. this week marks the 50th anniversary of the original "star trek," starring william shatner and leonard nimoy. of course you knew that. the classic series broke new ground by exploring heavy issues like gender and race, so tonight we're going to honor the spirit and the hashtag is pie sci-fi. let's begin. "children of pie" or "rhubarbella?" for more on this important issue, tonight's hashtag is #piescifi. >> -- the wrath of pee pecan.
chris: pecan. >> avatar. chris: james davis. >> 12 monkey breads. chris: points. >> the bakery. chris: yes. points. >> mad max ala mode. chris: adam goldberg. >> terminator two fudgement day. chris: yes. >> orthan blackberry. chris: mary lynn. >> pyro bot. chris: adam. yes, perfect. very good. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #piescifi and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet of the day last night was sent to us by:
inside the actor studio. if you enjoyed last week's version you will appreciate tonight's installment. a median we adore and admire was in a twitter dual with a guy who looks like he would jack up the price of aids medication. a urethra stuffed with barbed wire. a man with my british accent i can call a [beep]. donald trump can't swim. tonight we take on the roll of martin -- james davis. and oswald by mary lynn and adam gold ber willgoldberg will bring it to life. when actors are ready the scene
may begin. >> this trump can't swim #thing is ridiculous. can he swim, right. >> who are you again? >> why are you ever. >> the best. >> nope. >> now run along, live your life, die wealthy yet won fused on how empty you feel in the last second. [ applause ] >> he's the boys of ratatoui. you're the voice of -- cream. >> lol, he does voices? >> not like the ones in your head telling you that acquiring yet never creating is eating your soul but yes, voices. >> this pathetic loser would never be able to go toe-to-toe
with me in a discussion about anything. comedian idiots. >> i'm sorry i i never said i was smarter than you dummy. just said that you're boring and soul less. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> same with colbert. you can deliver a joke that doesn't make you smart. plus i'm funnier at stephen@ home at patton@ o *t oswald it's called talent. >> dude a 12-year-old on a skittle rush controls better than you. [cheers and applause] >> they say last certificate best medicine. i have never seen you run a clinical trial #oswald liberal trash bag limousine. liberal. >> you got me there, transdermal
patch adams. [laughing] >> if laughter was the best medicine you would jack up the price on it. [laughing] >> also if i don't matter what is stopping you from crushing the comedy landscape. have it it champ. >> not enough money. it's a waste of time. i help people with my drugs, you stupid more on. you just line your pockets. >> i never noticed until now but martin has tiny hands. >> show business is for loser idiot morons. a couple lucky morons who made it big. they probably do drugs too. liberal trash. >> well@ martin, this is entertaining. tell the people you pay to tell
you you're funny to also assure you, you won. good night. >> and sting. sting. [cheers and applause] kp-rbd. >> very well done. excellent, beautiful. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, troll hunter. cheer chore >> chris: the enter net hates him and loved patton os wald. he locks like pizza rat. as martin i would like you to pick a fight with another be loved internet institution. we will get your answers after the break with more "@midnight."
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this is henry's hard cherry cola. it's a delicious refreshing easy to drink adult beverage just like henry's hard orange and hard ginger ale, except this one is hard cherry cola. henry's hard soda. live hard...ish. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break we read pat and police car tin's skregs of shkreli. let's see what you wrote. adam goldberg, let's start with you. >> hi,@jerryseinfeld i could have a show too if my people owned the media #. >> chris: alright. he's right. he's right. mary lynn. >> hey chewbacca mom, chew on, this you're a piece of [beep].
#areyouthis #areyoumad, #trump2016. [ applause ] >> chris: this is a joke -- telling chewbacca mom she's a piece of [beep]. amazing. alright. james davis. >> hey@ gogobaby. when you going to grow the [beep] up. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. i'm going to do. a thousand points to james and mary lynn. -- next game all fbi eyes on you. pantsuit tryant hillary clinton is blasting republicans for spreading conspiracy theories about her. hillary told reporters that republicans have been "engaging in partisan conspiracy
theorizing about her for 25 years" and she's sick and tired of it. but not too sick or too tired to run the country, because it's not like she's dying of some rare disease or anything guys. ha, ha, ha. shut up come on come on come on. no you shoot up. an iphone! comedians, hillary seems bored with what the "conspiracy theory machine factory" is churning out. please come up with a better conspiracy theory for her. im putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. >> tupac is alive and she know where he is. >> chris: points. adam goldberg. >> snowden blew bill talk about leaking. >> chris: points. mary lynn. >> hillary took the headphone jack out of the iphone. >> chris: god damn it james davis. >> hillary clinton supplied -- with the weed. >> chris: okay. >> hillary is like dark fader's
helmet. i think hillary invented the internet with al gore and forgot to use it. >> hillary is the first choice to play cookie on "empire." >> hillary attended trump's wedding. wait that happened. >> chris: points. >> i have never seen hillary and hitler in the same room. you have. [laughing] >> chris: james davis. >> bernie sanders is a time traveling hillary clinton -- [laughing] >> that's all you need. chris: get in the car you got to go back with me. back to the future. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "all f.b. eyes on you." mary lyn, you're in third place. a dore you. we have to eliminate you. >> did you see me pushing my thing the whole time? [cheers and applause]
>> chris: oh -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: i don't know what it is. >> i love -- i have small breasts. i'm not avoiding the button. >> chris: well, do you -- >> you can put that -- >> [beep] me. chris: she is going to come out there, you guys. don't make her come out there. [cheers and applause] >> chris: there she goes. she's just standing over this. just right there. >> i'm leaving i don't want to be here at all. >> chris: standing by the curtain. can you get a camera on her back there. there back there standing on the stage. you can just stand there. you can stay there if you want. after you just chest that guy in the front row. [beep] >> the shenanigans did not
happen. >> chris: that means it's time to dust for prints. it's for the win. according to prince charles, the man who will never, ever, ever be king-- and even if he does, it'll probably only be for a few months-- texting is ruining the english language. pip, pip, cheerio, lost a foot in the war. "the well-constructed sentence is under moral threat," says the camila. claiming social media and texting are teaching bad writing habits, like using the letter "u" instead of writing the word "you"" or not using u in "colour" or "favourite." comedians, i want you to properly fix up some internet language, or "lingo," into proper queen's english. for instance, "u up?" becomes "are you awake and available for sexual congress in the bum?" we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. the "@midnight" programy. [cheers and applause]
answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i told you about how prince charles is worried the english language is being totes ruinated by the internet. i asked you to help class up some internet-speak. let's see what you wrote. first up ... this equals madam, i hope this finds you well. i'm pleased confirm after the darkest reaches of my nethers -- a hearty movement. got that all in there. a nice touch. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i don't know if that poop is wearing a monday monical or if a guy ate one. or number two ... #tbt. which is it's thursday i shall a post a photograph of myself from back before i was fat. [cheers and applause] >> chris: numb