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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 12, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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joining toys more night at 11:00. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> the reason why you see hillary clinton wearing pants all the time is because of the blood clots in her legs. so since she started wearing pants, that's the day she started getting sick. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it is time toe start "@midnight." this is what the internet's been yammering about today. after a case of pneumonia nearly caused her to collapse this past weekend, the conspiracy theorists of twitter believe that hillary clinton been replaced with a body double, which they've proven here usin a defunk version of photo shop and control v here. coincidentally, this also happens to be a picture of bill clinton's worst nightmare.
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comedians, assuming the same people who believe barack obama is a muslim from outer space are correct, what are some of the duties of hillary's body double? >> also beating donald trump in a land slide. >> chris: alright. alright. points for. that jim jefferies. >> -- bill's double while he's at the strip club. >> chris: points. >> her secret shopper. she has to try on the high wasted tweeted pants to there is no camel toe. >> chris: it's fine if you sing it like that. camel toe. camel toe. >> something we all aspire too. which we do. >> chris: i'm working on it. crossing my fingers. that's what i do. >> no excuse. i call it a fudgy, it's a front wedgie. >> sounds delicious. >> chris: next up, duped. maybe having a body double is a
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necessary part of running a successful presidential campaign. then you have someone to stand in for you when you get sick or have to go to cleveland. hillary seems to have found a body double that really captures her vibe, sort of like a proud librarian on the battlestar galactica. but comedians, who do you think would be a good body double for donald trump? >> chris: kay walsh. >> a wicker basket of racist foreskin. >> chris: points. jim jefferies. >> a pile -- thrown out of jon voghs ass. >> that's sounds like something i would watch. >> chris: next, let's get physical. while the nation reels from hillary faint-gate, rest assured that chronic mouth diarrhea sufferer donald trump, is the picture of physical health! just listen to this glowing report from his personal physician! -- hippie. >> his help is excellent. particularly his. just fine.
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>> chris: thank you, so much dr.ms. bruce valanch. said trump is in perfect health while visibly struggling to contain his laughter! for those not convinced by a doctor who looks like a middle man in a back-alley kidney sale, trump plans to release his full medical records on the doctor oz show! airing right before "trump's star-studded live colonoscopy with live enema. what else will we find? >> black people's security deposits. >> chris: points, michelle. >> i feel my cousin would be in there. >> what is weird about the
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x-ray. why do blam peoples deposits look different? >> chris: yes, michelle. >> shall i play? chris: yes. >> his micro penis has a diamond encrusted grill. >> nice. chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: it's always hard as a rock, baby. this can cut glass. >> chris: next, delusions of grand jerseys. the n.f.l. season opened this weekend, and the nation's degenerate gamblers are already in a tizzy. thrillist reports that "the espn fantasy football app went down and people are losing their minds." not me! moving on! [laughing] p-rbg >> chris: next, #basketofdeplorables. #basketofdeplorables. the internet caught fire this weekend over comments made by. pneumonia lisa at a manhattan fundraiser when she categorized half of all trump supporters as
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being a "basket of deplorables, which sounds like a "harry potter" book. [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is contrast to hillary's supporters, who are known as a "gaga of ladies." memes quickly spread among conservatives, including this one, posted by donald trump, jr., stating that he's "honored" to be featured among the likes of pepe the frog, who's become a symbol of white nationalism, along side ben carson and alex jones who says the air force causes tornadoes. so realistically, it's more of a basket of basket cases. but comedians, since hillary claims that half of trump's fans are a "basket of deplorables," what would be a good name for the other half? kay. >> a book of the dying misogynist ic patriarchy. [ applause ] >> chris: sets it up. you have to be careful you are going to get a fudgy.
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>> i will now. i have to do the hip lift. >> chris: jim jefferies. >> the clan. chris: alright. there you go. [ applause ] >> well said. chris: points for that. that is the end of rapid free refresh. let's do a points check. i see kate walsh is here. with 400 points her debut album shut up, michelle is on the program. with a whopping 500 points jim jeffreys is back on. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and how it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars.
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this week marks the 30th anniversary of super mario brothers! [cheers and applause] >> chris: we have a lot of jobs. sometimes we a doctor. sometimes we a turtle exterminator. we everything but the limber, which is our main job. yes, the classic game starring a cartoon of an italian man drawn by your racist grandpa. his legacy looms large in the hearts of indoor kids everywhere! i spent a entire year in college playing super mario. to celebrate this auspicious day our hashtag is #nerdholidays. examples: "meme-orial day" and "chris hardwicks-mas." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. michelle. >> martin luther cling-on day. chris: kate. >> luke i am your father day.
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chris: yes. >> st. patrick stewart day. >> -- giving day. jim: jim. >> sweaty paul many sunday. chris: points. jim. >> rapid quanza. chris: kate. >> wolva easter. [laughing] >> chris: when the eggs come out, does it hurt. >> every time. chris: michelle. >> george aaa martin luther king day. >> chris: jim. >> ramadamacroid. chris: alright. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #nerdholidays and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight" at 11:30. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @bunnyhugger75.
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when it comes to healthcare, seconds can mean the difference between life and death. for partners in health, time is life. we have 18,000 people around the world. the microsoft cloud helps our entire staff stay connected
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and work together in real time to help those that need it. the ability to collaborate changes how we work. what we do together changes how we live.
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can i get anyone a beer? make it a redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. also for a limited time in ginger apple.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play earth, wind, hot air & fire. [cheers and applause] >> chris: climate change is the biggest issue facing humanity. what better way to teach our children but with this video. a cringe worthy video about saving the environment for 250 points. first this recycling video. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ everyone can take part.
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>> chris: ahh! the motto of the e.p.a. is "reduce, reuse, recycle." what's the motto of the place that made this video? >> take lsd. go to work. come down from your high taking to the resao *eulg cycling bins. >> chris: yes, points. jim jefferies. >> occasionally a girl in a palm dress throws a baby at me. [beep] >> chris: michelle. >> i just want to say there is nothing sexier than a black man with a government job. right, ladies. >> he looks like his name is lawrence or otis. fyi, government workers love me. i am their kryptonite. coy make it with a holiday. >> chris: would you make him not look psych oh,. >> not psych oh,
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>> chris: next, this music set against the backdrop of an asthma attack. ♪ the air outside is unsafe today ♪ tell me more about the air ♪ i look around and nothing is there ♪ tiny particles we condition see ♪ are unhealthy for us to breath ♪ every day she watches tv [laughing] >> this is my favorite one. >> i can't see where that ended. chris: that's all we can show. air is confusing, you guys! all i know there is a problem and those two are definitely [beep]. >> i like it. chris: that's all i can get from the video. >> you know, what that is a classic fudgy right there.
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>> classic. >> she is a mom with things to do. she has to save the environment. >> there are living particles down here. >> chris: so -- >> i'm enjoying my fudgy. >> ya. >> a wiggle around. >> ya. >> yes. chris: what other questions do they ask in this video. jim jeffreys ? >> well as much as i have enjoyed singing with you all, can i go back to huffing my paint. >> chris: points. next this environmentally conscience farmer. ♪ ♪
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[laughing] >> chris: sing another line to the song. >> ♪ a chicken is a bird ♪ i had to leave dennys cause i said the n word. [cheers and applause] >> what is right about that, he left on his own accord. [laughing] >> nobody said you have to leave. he said that's enough out of me. thank you. >> chris: michelle. >> okay. if you dig up my dirt you will find the remains of a amber alert. >> chris: points. that's the end of earth, wind, hot air & fire. >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, 1-900-points. these days, the worst thing that can happen is getting an actual phone call. what kind of [beep] maniac calls
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someone when you can just use pictures of fruits and vegetables to represent penises and vaginas!?! or just to go, look a dick. well, there once was a time when people not only had phone conversations voluntarily, but in some instances would pay people to talk to them. 900 numbers were a popular get-rich-quick scheme in the '90s, just like paying to level up in candy crush. here's a very bizarre example uploaded to youtube. >> what makes people all over america breakdown and cry like this called 800-909-cry. >> chris: this is real. a real thing. this number is defunct now. no way to know what makes people breakdown and cry.
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i want to you play the operator on the other side of the line and play something that makes people cry. we wil (vo) maybe it was here, when you hit 300,000 miles. or here, when you walked away without a scratch. maybe it was the day your baby came home. or maybe the day you realized your baby was not a baby anymore. every subaru is built to earn your trust. because we know what you're trusting us with. subaru. kelley blue book's most trusted brand. and best overall brand. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.
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heineken light makes it ok to flip another no no no,t. you never flip another man's meat. award-winning heineken light is the best light beer you've ever tasted. that's true. can i have one? can i flip your meat? no. suit yourself.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you a vintage 900 number commercial for a phone line that makes you cry and asked you what an operator on said line would say. let's see what you came up with. michelle, let's start with you. >> oh, yes. hold the door. well that's what he's saying, hold the door. what [beep]. i have been telling you it's coming now! >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause] kate. >> hi i'm you from the future.
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nothing ever gets any easier. you gain a [beep] load of weight and you will never pay off your student loans. >> chris: there you go. jim jefferies. >> hello, this is dog heaven. ummm, none of your dogs made it. [laughing] [laughing] >> dog heaven and some do make it. >> chris: that's amazing. >> the guy in dog heaven, he has an australian accent. >> you know -- chris: you have to call everyone just to tell them. that sorry, it's my job. all really good answers. i will give everyone 5000 points. alright. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for endorsing with the stars.
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endorsing with the stars. look i don't have opinions of my own. as someone who needs celebrities to tell me what to think, i'm really torn on whom to vote for in this upcoming election. on one hand, hillary has two batmans, but donald trump has kim jong-un's slumber party buddy! celebrities are angling for political favors down the line. like a cabinet position or five minutes alone to masturbate in the lincoln bedroom. comedians, i'm going to show you a celebrity supporter, and i want you to tell me what government position they'd get. first up, trump supporters. we've got kid rock. jim jefferies. >> -- supreme court justice. >> chris: next, sarah palin. michelle. >> secretary of miss education.
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ryan gosling. >> the dual office of [beep], [beep] [cheers and applause] >> chris: that second one is a very sensitive position. very sensitive. >> i just hope he has good e-mail security. >> oh, it's in the oval office. chris: it is. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and hang on you guys -- >> chris: next up, bon jovi. >> vice president of dampening your mother's under carriage. >> chris: finally sting. sting, jim jefferies. >> the chief of police. [cheers and applause] >> chris: well played. sticking the landing. >> chris: that's the end of endorsing with the stars.
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michelle, i'm sorry you're in third place. we have to eliminate you. >> that's okay. i believe we're all winners and i am wearing this dress tomorrow. not enough people have seen it. >> chris: i'm so sorry. we must put you under a read light. apologize. >> chris: that means it's time to butt dial it back, it's for the win! all sorts of cool stuff went down over the 2016 techcrunch disrupt s.f. hackathon this past weekend. ya, check out the packed schedule. registration, dinner, midnight snack. i don't know what is going on? hackathon gives teams 24 hours to build an app from the ground up and present it poetry-slam style in hopes of finding funding. one of the more interesting ideas presented this year was the lovebot. no, lovebot's not a fleshlight
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with googly eyes and a wig. i told you not to bother me at work, barbara. it's a chatbot that sends your loved ones uplifting messages, or asks how you are doing. why would you do that yourself? it tells your wife you love her so you don't have to. comedians, i would like to you write a uplifting message you might receive from your lov [ 80's music ]
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can i get anyone a beer? make it a redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. also for a limited time in ginger apple. ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing.
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♪ i've seen it all ♪ i've bbefore though ♪ust me ♪ i told my ex for me relationships a no-no ♪ ♪ and here i am thinking ♪ we perfect like a photo ♪ you looking at me like right now ♪ ♪ you need some mo', mo' ♪ i know you ready and willing but that ain't my place ♪ ♪ i know you wanna settle down, all on your face ♪ ♪ feeling startin' to get too familiar ♪ ♪ so cover up this broken love treason ♪ ♪ make every day our love season ♪ ♪ dirty lover you are my rider ♪
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♪ that should be enough reason ♪ for customers with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clan. wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. before the break i told you about the lovebot, a chatbot that sends your loved one sweet messages in lieu of your own sweet messages because you are not good with people. i asked you for a message you might receive from said lovebot. let's see what you wrote. first one ... if i stole your heart and you stole mine wouldn't that be the perfect crime. also amber alert, green honda accord. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or ... hello, wife, it's me your husband. you look nice today. i would like to have sex in my favorite position determined from my pornography bruising
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history, gay porn. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two is the winner. kate walsh is the winner! you did it! you did it! you destroyed jim jefferies. kate, you're the funniest person for the next 23.5 hours. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be moshe kasher, aisling bea and chris d'elia. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #nerdholidays and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other, god damn it. it. good nig - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪

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